Author Topic: A reluctant confession  (Read 5882 times)

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Offline Emami

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A reluctant confession
« on: February 16, 2015, 00:09:53 am »
I really don't like breastfeeding  :( And I feel bad admitting it as I was trying not to acknowledge it to myself.  But I really don't like it and it's starting to get me down.

I don't like how much time it takes and how constant it is. I don't like how often it feels like I have to put DD2 first and DD1 has to wait because I'm feeding her. I don't like that I don't enjoy DH touching me any more because I've had enough of being attached to somebody else.  I don't like that I wake up sweaty and smelling like milk every night. I don't like that I still can't wear normal bras and half my clothes are impractical. I don't like not knowing how much she's eaten. I don't like wondering if a funny poo or a fussy day is caused by something I ate that doesn't agree with her. I don't like that when I hold her she looks at my boobs and not my face. I don't like feeling as though all I am to her is a milk machine. I don't like that I don't like it.

I feel sad that this was something I really wanted to do and now I'm doing it and I wish I wasn't. And I feel guilty for wanting to stop when I have no reason to. It's going well, we've had no problems, and I think of what some women persevere through to continue.  All my reasons for wanting to give up are selfish

Emma






Offline lily_layne

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2015, 02:29:35 am »
And I feel guilty for wanting to stop when I have no reason to.
There is no reason to feel this way at all. It is ok to not enjoy it even if you thought you would. It is also ok to stop if that's what you want. Tracy was a big supporter of a woman's right to choose how to feed her baby and I agree with her. The important thing is that Annabel gets fed. If you stop feeding her, then you have my permission to feel guilty;)
DD - August 2012
DS - November 2014

Offline *Liz*

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2015, 02:54:37 am »
It isn't for everyone honey. If you wish to wean that is just fine  :-*.

Offline Kirsten~

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2015, 05:37:38 am »
If you look back a couple of months, I wrote an almost identical post! I felt the EXACT same way as you, hon! I totally get it. DS is also my second LO, and i felt the same way about not spending time with DD because I was always feeding DS. Or worse, it got to a point where i had to start feeding him in a dark, quiet room because he got so distracted, then I was never seeing DD. I also felt (and still do) so guilty and sad that it wasn't working this time. I BFed DD until 10 months, so I just figured this would be the same. And I hate that I couldn't make it work this time.

I got to a point where between hating it, pumping at work, DS's reflux, and DS's lack of sleep, I just had to give it up. It was sad, and I still feel guilty about it, but I have been SO much more sane than I would've been if I had kept pushing through. DS is 6 months, and still not sleeping well. Being able to trade nights with DH has been a life saver and a marriage saver!

There are definite pros and cons to both FF and BF, and you have to make the decision for what works for you. I know that for me, it just got to the point where I was making myself (and probably everyone around me!) crazy trying to "make" it work when it just wasn't. Good luck, hon! We've got your back no matter what!


Offline Roseii

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2015, 08:55:33 am »
Big hugs sweetie, please don't feel guilty!! If it helps then you'd probably feel the same about DH even if you were FF ;) :P
At 3/4 months my babies fed SOOO much I was a feeding machine. By 5 months they were both in so much of a better pattern, it was so much easier on my body. I'm not saying this to "convince" you to keep bf, it's totally your choice, but to let you know there's light at the end of the tunnel in terms of length and frequency of feeds.
Lots of love x
Blessed mum to two home-birthed darling water babies

hey you with the pretty face, welcome to the human race


Offline koe2moe

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2015, 09:46:39 am »
Hugs Emma.  There is no reason to feel bad about not liking it.  Your stress hormones go into the milk, too.  I'm not saying this to make you feel even more guilty.  We are our worst judges!  Your happiness is very important and has huge impact on the happiness on your kids and household.  Being honest with how you feel is the first step.  xx
« Last Edit: February 16, 2015, 10:57:41 am by koe2moe »



Offline michaeljacknnugg

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2015, 10:52:10 am »
I must admit that I didn't really enjoy it either. It went OK, but having this little person totally dependent on me for 10 months made me feel trapped. I couldn't go out past the time he needed feeding, I hated feeding in public and I felt guilty if he was crying from hunger and we weren't in a place where I could feed in private.

Given the choice I would have combination-fed, but he wouldn't take a bottle. If I had had any more they would have been given formula very early on to ensure that they would take one!

Your feelings are valid, and what you've said is not just about yourself. It's about DD1 and DH too.

How would you feel about combination feeding?
My 'little man' - kind-hearted Spirited whirlwind, 2008
My love, my everything - BabyTwo, Nov 2015

Offline *Ali*

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2015, 11:18:00 am »
Hugs.youal ready have great advice.

As pp said if you were to continue it wouldn't always be this way.
Cadan Dec 2009 and Colby Aug 2011


Offline TB9

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2015, 13:03:10 pm »
(((Hugs)))

Just remember you have to do what is best for yourself and your family too.  Have you talked to your dh about it?  I felt so much better about my feeding relationship with both girls once I had a big talk with dh about it  ;D

Offline weaver

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2015, 18:06:15 pm »
HUGS Emma. 

Agree with Roseii that you are at the most intense point of BFing right now.  Things will change in the coming months.  But don't make yourself miserable.  What you've done so far is so valuable for Annabel.  And you've a lot going on generally.  Take it easy on yourself.
*Anne*, loving mama to a honeybee (2010) and a sweetpea (2012).  BF for 4 proud years.


Offline C&B&E

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2015, 19:48:43 pm »
At 3/4 months my babies fed SOOO much I was a feeding machine. By 5 months they were both in so much of a better pattern, it was so much easier on my body. I'm not saying this to "convince" you to keep bf, it's totally your choice, but to let you know there's light at the end of the tunnel in terms of length and frequency of feeds.

I was going to say the same thing x
Claire x



Offline Buttonbobs

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #11 on: February 16, 2015, 19:49:43 pm »
Hugs honey, others have given fab advice already, so I'll just add more hugs.
~ Naomi ~




Offline Emami

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #12 on: February 17, 2015, 01:52:12 am »
Thank you so much, I love that there is no judgement on here.  I think any other forum or conversation about this would have made me feel worse.

Tink, DH says it's up to me, but that actually he would prefer bottles so that he can do it too. DD1 was FF and he said it helped him bond with her.  There's no way I can pump enough so if I switch to bottles it will have to be formula.

Helen, she will take a bottle but she's only had one a day so I'm not sure how she would handle a total switch. Combination feeding is definitely an option.

Kirsten, I found your post. It really is similar! I'm glad you're happy with your decision.

I'm pretty sure I don't want to exclusively breastfeed any more, but I'm nervous to reduce feeds because I know once my supply dips it would be really hard to get it back up.  Even though I'd rather do bottles it seems like a route of no return to start supplementing regularly and I don't want to have regrets over this either.  I appreciate everyone's comments, I guess I will just plod along and see how it goes.
Emma






Offline deb

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2015, 03:07:42 am »
Just seeing this.

Josie actually DAMAGED me with her latch, so it was formula that kept us going. I decided that overnight feeds would be formula, and the bedtime feed ended up being whatever I pumped while DH put her to bed topped up with enough formula to make her happy (while I pumped the next night's formula). In the end I healed up enough to continue while she got way more efficient and we finished BFing - but for a while it could easily have gone either way.

In the end, if Momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy, as they say here in the States. LOL You have to get enough rest and be able to spend time with Big Sister. ;) Do what is right for YOUR family.

Offline nona

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #14 on: February 17, 2015, 05:31:21 am »
it is hard, esp when my other friends who FF could leave the baby and get a legit break. however, it will get easier and you will be BFing less often, your boobs will shrink and you can start wearing normal bras. with my 2nd, things settled down faster in that regard. One thought is to BF until 6 months when baby starts solids and then re-evaluate. But, do whatever is best for you and your family. no one will judge!!!
heather




Offline michaeljacknnugg

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #15 on: February 17, 2015, 07:11:39 am »
What about formula during the day and breastfeeding morning, evening and overnight? As long as your body is in a predictable routine it should be ok with supply.
My 'little man' - kind-hearted Spirited whirlwind, 2008
My love, my everything - BabyTwo, Nov 2015

Offline barbaraz78

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #16 on: February 17, 2015, 07:57:22 am »
I also did not enjoy bf as I wanted, and I had an only one. This is why I stopped bf at 7 mo (and my supply was also decreasing by this time, so ds wanted much more than I could give, especially in the evening).
Dom't feel guilty. I am a big supporter of the right of every mum to make this choice. Bf is and should remain a choice, and it does not work for everyone.

I was also thinking about the possibily if mixed feeding, this could be a compromise that does not make you guilty.
Barbara


Offline cuckoochick

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #17 on: February 17, 2015, 08:31:22 am »
Hugs, I loved and hated BFIng both times around. It's very intense and relentless at times to the point where I felt like I could run away but I am very pleased that I did it. Neither of mine would take a bottle until around 7mos but once they did we combi fed quite successfully with DD2 who now loves her bottles. C was never a fan and wouldn't take one from me.

Big big hugs xxx




*Nicola*

Offline weaver

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #18 on: February 17, 2015, 10:11:59 am »
I'm pretty sure I don't want to exclusively breastfeed any more, but I'm nervous to reduce feeds because I know once my supply dips it would be really hard to get it back up.  Even though I'd rather do bottles it seems like a route of no return to start supplementing regularly and I don't want to have regrets over this either.  I appreciate everyone's comments, I guess I will just plod along and see how it goes.
Sounds like you need to take your time.  I suppose the key thing is that it doesn't have to be black and white, yk?  Lots of folks do mixed feeding in various combinations.

Personally I hated hated hated pumping so stopped when LO1 was about 5 mos and never did for LO2 (who refused anything plastic anyway, so there was no point!). Without pumping, BFing was much more enjoyable for me.  We all have different stories.

I'm nervous to reduce feeds because I know once my supply dips it would be really hard to get it back up.
TBH I don't think it would be that hard - two or three days of lots of feeding and you'd be there, probably. :)

((HUGS))
*Anne*, loving mama to a honeybee (2010) and a sweetpea (2012).  BF for 4 proud years.


Offline TB9

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #19 on: February 17, 2015, 13:38:13 pm »
Sounds like combo feeding would be a good option for you and DH!

Offline barbaraz78

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #20 on: February 17, 2015, 14:50:49 pm »
I also did combo feeding for a while before giving up at 7 mo. At 4 mo I came back to work, so the mid-morning feeding was from pumping (skipping that feeding allowed me to have enough to pump) or formula when i could not pump. And dream feed was always formula since 5 mo, as I did not have enough at 11 pm for him (he usually drained 200 mL at the dream feed). My supply was not affected at all. Oh, and even if I was bf, I went away for five days for work just before the 4 mo mark, I pumped for the five days, and left ds with frozen bm and formula. When I came back DS latched exactly as before, and I had no problem with the supply.
Barbara


Offline *Ali*

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #21 on: February 17, 2015, 19:28:11 pm »
No need to make the decision now if you are happy to plod along as you are. You can always take each day as it comes and see how you feel.
Cadan Dec 2009 and Colby Aug 2011


Offline *Liz*

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #22 on: February 17, 2015, 21:22:15 pm »
When I was trying to decide what to do with Jacob I had him taking bottles of formula and I was pumping the missed feeds. I didn't want to lose my supply if he was no better on a bottle anyway (we were switching due to him being a horrid reflux feeder). So I protected my supply for a few days until I knew I was happy, them I dropped the pumping and combo fed for a while.

There are always options honey  :-* :-*.

Offline Emami

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #23 on: February 25, 2015, 03:31:30 am »
What about formula during the day and breastfeeding morning, evening and overnight? As long as your body is in a predictable routine it should be ok with supply.
This is what I've done the last 3 days and it's been fine.  Annabel doesn't seem to care how she gets fed as long as she gets fed.  It does make me a little sad that she doesn't prefer me, but then  ::) at myself because this is exactly what I want, and much better than the alternative of her being upset.  I also am surprised / confused that I cut right down to this from feeding her full time, and was planning to pump to relieve any engorgement, but I haven't felt full at all. Shouldn't my boobs notice that they don't have a baby attached to them?  Does that say something about supply or am I just lucky that it's been easy  ???
Emma






Offline *Liz*

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #24 on: February 25, 2015, 03:38:10 am »
She STTN honey - you can't have supply issues  ;).

Offline Emami

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #25 on: February 25, 2015, 04:24:46 am »
Good point! Lol. I just was expecting to be leaking and I don't feel like I've missed any feeds at all.
Emma






Offline *Liz*

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #26 on: February 25, 2015, 07:02:39 am »
Your body must just regulate very easily. It's a good thing  ;).

Offline michaeljacknnugg

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #27 on: February 25, 2015, 09:14:27 am »
That's great! It will take a bit of adjustment though, be kind to yourself xxx
My 'little man' - kind-hearted Spirited whirlwind, 2008
My love, my everything - BabyTwo, Nov 2015

Offline *Ali*

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #28 on: February 25, 2015, 13:43:31 pm »
Glad you are finding a way that works for your family :)
Cadan Dec 2009 and Colby Aug 2011


Offline *Liz*

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #29 on: February 25, 2015, 19:32:17 pm »
I stopped BFing DD at 9 mths due to my illness, and she loved that bottle as much as me. I remember feeling a bit funny as well. BFing is a very raw hormonal thing isn't it??

Offline Anika920

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #30 on: March 07, 2015, 14:42:42 pm »
I feel for you. I thought I was up for so many challenges, BF for 1 year, cloth diapers, SAHM 1 year and I feel like I can't even take care of myself because I am on call all the time for my LO. I don't have other kids, so I don't even know how you power mommas do it. I am parenting nothing like the way I want to, go figure huh. They will run our lives the way they see fit it's very hard.

Offline weaver

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #31 on: March 07, 2015, 15:20:40 pm »
Hugs Annika, you're baby is still so little.  I hope you're doing a little something to take care of yourself too? Resting? Doing something you enjoy? A bit? 

Be assured things settle down ... a bit...eventually...:P The first months can be a bit of a roller coaster. But there's no getting away from the fact that this is the biggest life change ever, imo. 
*Anne*, loving mama to a honeybee (2010) and a sweetpea (2012).  BF for 4 proud years.


Offline Anika920

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Re: A reluctant confession
« Reply #32 on: March 07, 2015, 19:42:31 pm »
Thank you Weaver. I am not doing much on the weekdays except making excuses. Thankfully my DH is wonderful and understanding. Now that the weather is warming up and we'll have longer days I am hoping to take care of me too. I've decided I need to just hold LO to sleep rather than self soothe. That way I can get some Y time :)