Separation Anxiety in Toddlers (1-2 years)Why it HappensIn addition to the independence your baby's been gaining over the past couple of months, he's now realizing that you and he are completely separate people (i.e. you are not just an extension of him). This is the range when most babies begin to realize that they are the baby in the mirror - not just some random child! As a result of this realization, you may notice your toddler beginning to assert herself more - having an opinion on clothing, food, sleeping, climbing into their carseat, etc.
"SA usually is full blown by 8-12 months but can start as early as 7 months. Teething, more active social life and fears can cause occasional NW. When pattern persists it is usually due to AP. Bad habits often develop when parents rescue baby, if scared or teething you should definitely comfort or treat pain and give extra cuddles but be sure not to overreact."
The Babywhisperer Solves All Your Problems (BWSAYP)
What You Can DoYour toddler needs to understand that although you are 2 separate people, he still has a permanent link to you. To help develop independence, you can help him learn to think for himself - provide acceptable (usually no more than 2!
) choices for what to eat, which cup to drink out of, or what to wear, and let her choose which one she wants. Encourage exploration by providing a safe environment to play in - it means less time that you need to spend following him around saying "no" or "don't touch!". (Keep in mind, though, that you should still be supervising your child at all times). Your child still needs your reassurance and support. He may try something new, and come running back to you for hugs before he finishes.
Though your toddler may not be able to speak many words yet, their comprehension is rapidly increasing. It can help quite a bit if you keep up a running dialogue throughout your day. This will help your toddler learn to understand what is coming next, and what to expect – similar to your EASY routine (if you had one when she was a baby). Furthermore, help them name their feelings – it can help them a lot if you can give them the words they need (i.e. I see you are upset that you cannot do XYZ, how about we do ABC instead…). This can especially help if you have a child who frequently screams out of frustration.
Start to use certain key phrases when it’s time to transition, and avoid rapid/instant transitions if possible, allowing your child plenty of time to get used to new surroundings, a new caregiver, or the fact that it will be time to go soon.
If you will be going out, make sure your toddler knows you are going. It can be very tempting to try & slip out when she’s not watching, but this can quickly backfire and cause them to lose trust in you. It can help if they are engaged in an activity with the other parent or caregiver, but they should know you are leaving and will be back in a little while.
What About Separation Anxiety at Night?Keep in mind that at the root of SA, your toddler is afraid of being separated from you. To him, this is a genuine fear and no small matter. This may require a few extra cuddles before bedtime; you may want to start her bedtime routine a little earlier to allow for this.
Questions to ask:Is he walking or talking?
Has he got older siblings who wind him up?
Have you changed household routine? teething? new activities or playgroup? sick recently?
Nap transition? (2-1) Unlike younger babies after 1 year old a late nap can affect night sleep.
Does he have tantrums? Toddlers understand cause and effect so AP happens much faster. Once a toddler learns how to manipulate the behavior at night it colors the whole day.
And to find out if it is a matter of getting back on track or entrenched bad habits:
Has your child ever slept through the night?
Have you always had trouble putting him to bed?
"Parents often mistake older toddlers manipulation for SA, which usually starts between 7-9 months and disappears by 15-18 months, that is, if parents are gentle and reassuring and havent restorted to some sort of AP as a solution to childs fears. Therefore, when the parents of a two year old come to me and say "my child is waking at night because he has SA", nine times out of ten thast a child who has learned how to manipulate them"
BWSAYP, page 274
Depending on the temperament of your child, you may find that either the WI/WO or Gradual Withdrawal methods will work better for your child. You can read more about them here.
WI/WO vs. Gradual Withdrawl MethodNothing is Working!First of all, did you give it enough time? SA is not something that will disappear in day. Furthermore, Some personality types (spirited, touchy) take a lot longer to adjust.
Were you consistent enough – as in every single time? The more times trust is broken (even if it was inadvertent!), the longer it will take to build up your toddler’s independence.
Reevaluate your own attitude. Your toddler is picking up on every emotion you provide. If you are acting nervous or angry that you are leaving, they can feel that and act accordingly. Your actions, along with your words need to show that it is okay to be apart for a while, and that you will always return.
Tracy discusses SA in the PU/PD chapter of her book.
SA usually is full blown by 8-12 months but can start as early as 7 months. Teething, more active social life and fears can cause occasional NW. When pattern persists it is usually due to AP. Bad habits often develop when parents rescue baby, if scared or teething you should definitely comfort or treat pain and give extra cuddles but be sure not to overreact.
"If your child suffers from SA and starts clinging to you so you cant put her down at least keep your body in the crib and reassure her."
BWSAYP, page 246
It's important to meet SA with love and understanding, but to be careful to work through it and not fall into accidental parenting traps. Toddlers can find ways to manipulate parents if they overreact with SA and it makes it harder to get back on track.
Information taken from Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems and babycenter.com
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/145.htmlhttp://www.babycenter.com/refcap/toddler/toddlerbehavior/12652.htmlhttp://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/babydevelopment/6577.html
