3 yr old has every excuse in the book

[Intransit]

This post is not for me....but a friend who has a little boy who is just over 3.
She is so frustrated about her Lo's eating since every night at dinner he gives her literally every excuse possible about why he can't eat--too cold, too hot, tummy hurts, im tired, its raining etc etc....
She is not really sure what to do about this--I've tried to suggest a few things, but wanted to get some of your responses.
What do you do when your LO refuses to eat, and gives you a ton of excuses why not!?
Thanks in advance!

[anna*]

Well first I make sure he is actually hungry. Then give 5 mins warning before meal, 'get ready to eat your supper.' then try to eat with him, but not comment on what he is or isn't eating, we just chat about other things. If I know he's hungry and he's refusing to even taste what's on his plate, he goes to sit on the step for one minute while he gets ready to eat his supper.

[Colin Macs Mom]

I'm meaner than most I let him know that there will be nothing else, so if he chooses not to eat that's that. And he makes the choice.

[Intransit]

I don't think you're mean Jessica...I did the same thing--nothing else until you finish. I would wrap it up and if he said he was hungry, then there it was! I still do it, to be honest!

Anna: I like the pre warning, and the idea of eating with your LO. I don't think everyone eats with their children--either they ate before, or plan to afterwards etc.....

I also used to tell my son no shows or anything other than books if he did not eat.

My friend gets quite upset about his lack if eating and his excuses--I tried to tell her that if she had a plan in terms of what would or would not happen if he does/does not eat, she might find herself not getting so upset.

I'll pass this on..thanks ladies!

[clazzat]

If my lo doesn't want to eat then I let her get down from the table - I believe that she is able to decide whether she is hungry or not, and if she says she doesn't want it then fine.  If she is hungry and refusing to eat then she is trying to engage in a power struggle - by letting her down from the table, I am ostensibly giving her what she "wants" and so there is no struggle.  She doesn't get anything else if she hasn't eaten, and I have to say that although we did have some big eating issues when she was younger, since I stopped engaging in the battle we have had very little difficulty.

If she doesn't like what I have given her, she has to try it - generally 3 mouthfuls because she is 3 - and then she will get her yoghurt or fruit.

[Mashi]

I know mine's much younger but we also do the "it's fine if you don't want to eat, BUT this is it."  I don't think that finding punishments for not eating is effective - I think it's one thing that can lead to eating disorders and/or obesity either in childhood or later in life.  We need to keep a healthy relationship with food and by saying "eat your dinner or you're not allowed to play with x toy" it does not really promote that.

If her LO is not eating then it's probably more effective to search for the reasons WHY he's not eating than it is to punish or have consequences for not eating.  Maybe he's not hungry - lots of kids esp at the toddler age eat the majority of calories through the day and don't NEED or want a big meal at dinner. A piece of cheese on toast might be enough for him at that time of day. Or maybe his tummy does hurt? Is he having a late snack in the day and not hungry at that time, needs to wait an hour?  Or even that he feels the stress of dinner time before it happens and he's quite worked up about it and already knows he does not want to eat, iykwim.

I would offer him something he likes to eat in amongst the meal choices, give him his dinner and leave it at that.  If he does not want to eat then it's his choice - no snacks between dinner and bed, and that's it!  It might be worth her keeping a food journal for a few days and seeing how he is eating over the course of a week and be surprised that he reall is getting enough to eat!

[anna*]

Just to clarify, Stan doesn't sit on the step for not wanting to eat - he doesn't have to eat - but he does have to taste what is on his plate before he says 'I don't like it it's yucky, I want baked beans.' Surprise surprise, he will then 95% of the time taste it, find he likes it, and finish off a good part of his meal.

If he says 'I not hungry', that's fine but as pp he doesn't get something else instead. Surprisingly, even when he's skipped dinner entirely, he's really never woken hungry in the night.

[clazzat]

We've never had any problem with them waking hungry in the night either.  I have found that when I trust my girls to make decisions about food/drink they are more often right than I am!

We do have snack times built into the day (after lunchtime sleep and before bed - they get a couple of breadsticks or some rice cakes), which are totally separate from mealtimes and they still get the snack even if they have refused the meal.  Might be worth your friend thinking about doing something like that so that she doesn't worry so much about him getting the calories and she can find it easier to be firm about letting him get down if he wants to. 

[deb]

Might he have had a recent snack and just not be hungry? A glass of milk can kill hunger and lead to tummy-aches for some kids. Might he have some legitimate texture issues, where some foods really ARE just unmanageable for him? (I can't abide lima beans, and Nat can't handle eggs or mushrooms, and I had a cousin who literally gagged and threw up on potatoes of any kind.) Does he have food that he WILL eat on a regular basis? Is the family eating together or is he expected to sit there by himself and get on with it? Does he nap regularly? Does he go to nursery and maybe need some cuddle time before supper (or just need it regardless of nursery/being away from mom)?

Lots of possible factors there. Giving a kid supper too soon after a snack is like putting a UT baby to bed - not likely to happen, and a UT toddler WILL offer excuses the same way.

Definitely something at the root worth looking into, even if it's "only" needing some more interaction with/attention from the parent. If sitting with him for 5 minutes before starting supper or having him help make it makes the difference, that's a good investment of time and energy for all.

[Intransit]

Thanks for all of the replies-some good things to pass on. We all have our own way of dealing with the eating struggle.....hope she can use some of the tips.
Deb: You bring up some valid questions---he has been having really persistent NW for the last 2 months---she can't figure out what's going on. There are some other situations going on at the home which may be contributing to both the NW's and eating "problems"
Thanks all!