Separation Anxiety -help!

[velvet]

Hello

My lo is 10 months and is just starting nighttime separation anxiety.

 When I put him down at 7:30 he starts crying.  I give him his bear, kiss him and tell him I'll check on him later. All the regular things I have been doing.  But he cries and cries.  I wait 10 minutes hoping he will soothe himself to sleep but he wails.  I usually then go in and put my hand on his back and stay with him till he falls asleep.

 This has been going on for about 9 days or so.  I always leave though initially before staying because I really want him to get over this.  For some reason though he just sits up in his crib and cries. When I go in and tell him I'm here, crying immediately stops and he sucks his thumb as I have my hand on his back.  It does take a long time now for him to go to sleep (even with me there).

I have a bedtime routine
I have a transitional object - his bear
I dont panic when he cries
I let him cry only a little bit (10 min) as i know he is fine
I then go in and put my hand on his back, dont look at him and just tell him over and over "Mommy's here.  It's just bedtime"
He then finally sleeps
I leave the room

Bedtime is taking a huge chunk of my time in the evening.  Even dad cant console him.  My lo will continue to cry if dad goes in.

So, my question- am I missing something?  Should I be letting him cry it out rather than going in since he's older?  I dont want to create any accidental parenting habits.

[Jaime]

we're in the midst of this too... only luke decided to be early & start around 8 months  :roll:

I let him cry only a little bit (10 min) as i know he is fine

as i see it, here's your problem.  he's crying cause he doesn't know he's fine.  the whole crux of separation anxiety is he's just starting to realize that he's not an extension of you - and that freaks him out.

I then go in and put my hand on his back, dont look at him and just tell him over and over "Mommy's here.  It's just bedtime"

i would recommend going in & doing this the moment he start crying.  continue till he stops crying, and then say goodnight & walk away.  most likely, he will begin crying again as soon as he can't see you.  go back & repeat as often as necessary.  to be realistic, it could very well take close to an hour the first few days.  but he does need the reassurance of mommy.  once he trusts you again, dad will likely have more success too.

good luck & HTH 

[zelkad]

thanks for the question and the advice...we're going through the same thing now (he's 9 months)  We're on night 3...how long does it last? :?

[velvet]

I did try this initially at first (stay with him until crying stopped)- but I found out he was holding me hostage.  As soon as I took my hand off his back and raised the crib he started crying.  I would put my hand back and he'd stop. 

I do find that I can be a distraction.  Even though I am not looking at him, I'll be with him for 30 minutes and when I turn to see if his eyes are closed, they're still open and he's sucking his thumb!  He's quiet and relaxed but not sleeping.  When I turn to go, he gets all worked up!

Tonight he woke up at 1:45am (no reason I could see) so I stayed with him till 2:10 am then I said "You're ok, go back to sleep, I'll check on you later".  I went to my bedroom.  He wailed an then sucked his thumb, wailed, suck, wailed suck for 30 mintues.  I went in at 2:45 and changed a diaper (not really needed though), wrapped him, turned the heat up for fear he was cold and stayed with him for 5 minutes. He went to sleep at 3:11 a.m.

My question:  I just dont want this to be when he needs me all the time because it's getting to be a habit.  Isn't this the age when they start to think "Oh, if I cry mommy will come in and spend all night with me?  And if I cry longer or harder she'll come quicker?"


One more thing - could this be symptoms of teething?  My husband keeps saying to give him tylenol  but would he stop crying when I come if his gums really hurt?

[Carys' mom]

Hi,

We're having the same problem with our dd who is 9.5 months old, so I'll be glad to hear of any solutions.

Thanks...

[GG]

One more thing - could this be symptoms of teething? My husband keeps saying to give him tylenol but would he stop crying when I come if his gums really hurt?

Velvet, I was thinking the same thing as I was reading your post.  You should be able to tell if your little one is teething by looking at the gums.  If they are red, swollen, or if you see a little something (it almost looks like a sore to me but I feel a tooth).  Otherwise, it's possible that the teeth are getting ready to erupt but it's not technically considered teething.

My lo is going through this as well.  He is not only teething but has experienced a couple of milestones in the last week or so (he's beocme much more mobile) so I know this is part of the problem.  To be honest, I didn't even think of the fact that he is going through separation anxiety as well until I read this post.  Still, I believe the teething is causing the most problem.

I would say to go with your gut instinct in regards to the teething.  If you don't think he's teething, don't bother with the Tylenol.  However, if you're not sure, try the Tylenol once and see how things work out.

[Wilsmon]

Well I will through in here and say we are going throught the same thing also (9.5 mo).  I will admit I tried the CIO thing and it was not working!  Sometimes taking 2 hrs to go back to sleep, plus very cranky and clingy during the day which was causing huge problems with the sitter.  So I went back to going in right when he cried and patting/shng.  However, I think now I have become his sleep crutch so I think at this point I will leave and go back and check every few min. and lay him back down.  He seems to cry less and fall asleep faster if I leave and shut the door.  When I am there he just wants me to pick him up.   I need to learn to talk to him more though so that I can eventually just tell him to go back to sleep.

Also decided this morning that we need to set a absolute bedtime and wake up time.  I had been fairly consistent at night but not in the morning.  Finally decided 6 am and no earlier.  At that point I will do the "Dramatic Wakeup" that the Sleep Lady suggests and see if this change helps.  Seems like I have tried everthing else. 

Hang in there everyone!  I  will be thinking about you all at 4 am!

Jennifer

[velvet]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your emails and please keep them coming!  I still cant find a solution.  What's even more confusing is that for naps he can fall asleep fine but that bedtime is the one  we struggle with.  I stayed with him last night but he kept pulling himself up to stand.  I would wait till he's standing and then put him back down saying, "It's bedtime".  We did that so many times!  I was in there for 45 minutes.  I did leave once for 5 minutes because it was driving me crazy.  But I agree that it seems longer for bedtime if I leave him to cry it out.  Crying it out just makes him mad and then it's a game of how long can I cry before mommy caves in.  I just pray it doesnt become a sleep crutch.

Re: teeth - I still dont know.  My lo is 10 months and has no teeth.  I can only see a little white bud at the bottom of his gum but this has been there for a long time.  I figure one tooth has to come soon doesnt it?  But he's pretty happy during the day so I find it weird that teething would just happen at night.  I am so very confused.  I am just glad others seem to be confused with me!

[Jaime]

just a couple of thoughts for you lovely ladies...  with the separation anxiety, you really need to go with your instinct.  not all cries mean "mom, get in here".  some babies fuss as they go to sleep.  all of a sudden, it escalates and you have to go in there.

with separation anxiety, it seems like everything is an emergency.  and for a while, it is (to them!).  that's why they want to see you.  disappearing & reappearing helps them realize that you always do come back.

re the teething, when it happens, it is happening all the time, but they notice more at night.  during the day, they have toys, games, & food to distract them, but at night, there's no such distraction so they notice their gums hurt and cry about it.

also, if its any consolation, my first baby didn't get any teeth till she was 11 months old.

HTH 

[GG]

I do the 'leave/come back in' deal with my lo as well.  I did that tonight, though it no longer works exactly as I'd like it to work.  The room was dark as I put him in his crib.  He started the "pick me up" cry but I moved to another part of the room where he couldn't see me to wait for him to really cry.  Well, he was whining and fussing for a bit and then fell completely quiet.  I thought, 'Great, he fell asleep but... let me check that the blanket isn't over his face because I heard a muffled whine before he fell asleep.'  What do you think I found?  He was sitting on his blanket (he learned to sit up on his own over a week ago), waiting quietly for me to come put him down to sleep!   :lol:  :lol:

I put him on his tummy, caressed his head a little and he fell right to sleep!  Goofy kid!

[velvet]

Tonight I told me lo I would be right back.  He cried as I was leaving but then settled.  I was so tempted not to go back because he was quiet but I did tell him I would. SO in I went and he got up to greet me.  I layed him back down, covered him and stayed with him for awhile.  Then I told him I'd be back in a little bit.  As I was leaving he cried again but then settled and slept shortly after. I think you are right when you say we have to decipher cries.  I am still trying to figure his out because he rarely cried during bedtime.  It just seems to be happening more at this age.

Re: Teething - I dont know still but I didnt give tylenol tonight.  He was pretty happy so...  I do hope they come soon though.

Thanks again for the responses.  I sure look forward to all of the advice and stories everyone tells.

[GG]

Tonight I told me lo I would be right back.  He cried as I was leaving but then settled.  I was so tempted not to go back because he was quiet but I did tell him I would.

In all honesty, your lo is young enough so that you wouldn't have been breaking a promise by not going back in (or, at least, not being visible to him).  What you could have done is sneak a peak to see if he was settling and falling asleep on his own.  If he was, you didn't have to go to him.  I don't honestly know when they start to understand complex sentences but, at his age, you're not breaking his trust by not returning to the room when you say you will, only if you let him cio for extended periods of time.

[Carys' mom]

Ugh. Last night was one of the worst nights we've had in a long time.  :cry:  My lo goes down to bed fine (usually), and did last night. But she woke crying at 11pm or so, and from then on, she cried most of the night and morning until we got up at 7am. I went in several times to soothe her - and my husband even went in once, but she wanted me.

I wish she could tell me what's wrong. We gave her Motrin for teething pain, but it didn't seem to make a difference. Of course once I got her up, she is now in a good mood. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just can't take another night like last night. :cry: 

Sorry, just had to vent. This is really taking a toll on me.

Thanks...

[velvet]

Thanks Georgia - you are probably right about the promise thing. I practice this more during the day now.  So I go into the kitchen when lo is in the living room and I say, "Mommy will be right back" and then I do follow through.  Hopefully, this will teach him I am going to come back.

Melanie - I hope that was just a one day occurrence.  Perhaps your lo will make up all the sleep today in naps - just not too long or she'll be up again all night.  I wish you the best.

[GG]

Melanie, you are not alone.  DS would NOT go down for his second nap and for bedtime today.  I, too, wished he could tell/show me what he needed.  He just kept crying when I put him in the crib and wouldn't settle even in my arms.

Today I thought it may have been from hunger but he had nursed not too long before I tried putting him down and he also wouldn't take anything else I offered.  I don't want to keep using his teething as an excuse to myself.  (Seriously, how long does that last technically?  Tracy mentioned in one of the books that it was 3 days but I don't know what she considered the start and end days of the whole teething experience.)

Yesterday was better so maybe tomorrow will be fine as well.  Poor little ones!!!     

[Carys' mom]

Hi,

Well last night was not as bad as the night before, but still not good. I had to go in several times. I'm pretty sure it's a combination of teething and separation anxiety. I think I'm going to have to re-do the sleep training thing. I've gotten into the bad habit of going in and picking her up for several minutes to comfort her, and now she expects it.

The amazing thing is that she doesn't end up making up the sleep in her naps - they only ever amount to a total of 2 to 3 hours total during the day, usually closer to 2 hours total. Lately, she keeps going and going like the Energizer Bunny and then usually melts down between 5 and 6pm, which means we get to put up with a very grumpy, tired, whiny baby until her bedtime. Ugh. 

Georgia - I hope things get better with Foti. Carys has become a lot more mobile lately too (now crawling and sitting up on her own!), so I'm sure these milestones are contributing to her wakefulness too.

Velvet - thanks for your best wishes - I hope things go better with your lo too.

Thanks...

[jennc123]

wow, its so nice to read that others are dealing with this right now, i have been at aloss the last few days, my dd has been getting up at either 11pm or 2am screaming ma-ma at teh top of her lungs and not going back to sleep for 2 hours :?  ...and during the day she is napping okay but waking up crying so i know she is not getting enough rest and also very clingy, everytime i put her down in her playyard or crib or exersaucer even she starts crying.  I am at my wits end with this and I am now suspecting it separation anxiety and teething at the same time PLUS she can now stand very well almost unsupported (yep) and she is crawling like a champ...so i am sure this contributes to the fussiness.  I am just praying tonight she sleeps better, i have been giving her motrin to help with the teething at night but she still gets up... :cry:

[velvet]

Hi JennC

I am so glad you mentioned that your baby goes down for naps fine but not night time.  Mine too!  Tonight was another difficult night.  I am trying so many things that it's like having a newborn all over again.  I did read that at this age they are stressed and worried about being away from you.  They just need reassurance whether that's you staying in the room or coming back often to check on them.  The book states that if you keep instilling the fact that you are here for them, the separation anxiety should go away in a month!

[Carys' mom]

Hi ladies,

Last night was much better, although she did wake up quite early (5am or so) and started up the crying then. She managed to sleep through the night though.  Not sure if it's because she finally crashed, or because we put a night light in her room. We think she's afraid of the dark maybe. At this point we're willing to try anything!

[velvet]

ok- now it was my baby's turn to stay up for 2.5 hours last night.  He woke up at 11:20 and didnt go back down to sleep until 1:40.  I stayed with him the first hour as he tossed and turned and bobbed his head to see if I was still there.  By the second hour, I gave in and fed him.  Then I put him down to sleep.  That lasted 10 minutes.  He woke crying again.  I took him out, gave him tylenol and he finally went to bed.  Now I dont know if it was the tylenol that helped or if it was that 2.5 hours had passed and he finally fell asleep.  I am getting frustrated.

[GG]

wow, its so nice to read that others are dealing with this right now, i have been at aloss the last few days, my dd has been getting up at either 11pm or 2am screaming ma-ma at teh top of her lungs and not going back to sleep for 2 hours

Fortunately, ds isn't staying up for 2 hours at a time (jennc I hope that's changed for the better!) but he does wake up at random times during the night (though not so random... it's usually when dh comes to bed  :evil: - that kid is a light sleeper!!) and he does say "ma-ma" too!!   :shock:  The first few times he said that (made that noise?) I was like, "Wow, what a cool coincidence. He's learning the 'ma' sound" but now it's definite that he's saying 'ma-ma'.  Tonight he woke up at 9:30 PM saying that and dh tried getting him to sleep.  He kept saying 'ma-ma' and it crushed my heart every single time!!

He's been sleeping in his crib in our room since birth and now we're ready to transition him to his own room - technically it's the guest room, which is why we never moved him before.  Our last guests for a long time left yesterday so now we're ready to move him.  I'm hoping it helps him sleep better instead of worse.  We'll soon find out.

[Carys' mom]

Arghh - yet another bad night last night.  :cry: I don't know what to do with this child - I'm at the end of my rope. She started up at about midnight and cried off and on throughout the rest of the night and morning. I actually tried feeding her to see if maybe it was hunger from a growth spurt, but she only ate 2.25 oz of formula. I gave her Motrin too for the teething. Looks like we'll be doing some sleep training again starting tonight. I've been putting it off because it's so hard to listen to all that crying, but she's crying anyway!

Wish us luck! I wish you ladies the best of luck with your lo's. Does this ever get easier??

[GG]

Wish us luck! I wish you ladies the best of luck with your lo's. Does this ever get easier??

Of course... when they move out.   :wink:    (just kidding!)

Seriously, though, good luck!  I'm not sure why your lo is waking up so much at night but I will look through Tracy's book again and see if I come up with anything for you.

[velvet]

Mine is starting to struggle with naps now.  I think I jinxed myself when I said naps were going well.  He seems to just want someone there with him.

  I also notice that during play time he comes to me more often for snuggles and kisses.  He really seems to want to be with me or dh a lot more than before.  He turns 11 months on Dec 3.  Isnt he supposed to have at least 1 tooth before his first birthday?

[jennc123]

bella is all over the place, she has been napping really well, 1 1/2 to 2 hour naps during the day and sleeping most of the night, i hear her get up and she fusses and says ma-ma (at the top of her lungs) and then resettles her self.  so the last two nights we haven't really had an episode like the other night.  So i really don't know what is going on with her, I do know this teething is really ridiculous, i wish the darn teeth would come through, i know its teething from all the saliva and her touching her jaw, i keep ruling out an ear infection.

[velvet]

Here's a new problem I need help with and it's all tied together with everything we've been talking about.

 I stay with my lo to help him fall asleep because he cries when I leave. However  I am using PU/PD because he keeps standing up.  I havent used this method for awhile. 

Anyways, I was just wondering- what if they stop crying but keep standing up?  I keep putting him back down but he keeps getting up. There is no crying until I finally tire and say "Ok if you want to play, I'll check on you later"  As soon as I turn to leave he cries. So I say "It's just bedtime" over and over and then he stands up again, put down, stand up, putdown. but no crying.  Am I doing this right?  I tire faster than he does!

[jennc123]

from what i have read when they go thru the standing phase and bella did i just kept putting her down till she got the hint it was time to sleep.  i wonder if your baby is getting tired out enough during the day?.i have to really wear bella out and usually, well 98% of the time she can't stay up past 7pm.  sorry i don't have much advice, it may just be a bunch of things keeping him up right now...maybe a moderator can get in this topic and help you.... :?

[velvet]

You know its funny that you say maybe my lo just needs to be tired out.  Well this is how he is after being up for 5 hours already!  And I watch him like a hawk for signs of tiredness.  He is like the energizer bunny!

[Carys' mom]

Ahhhh - I can't stand this!!!  :cry: :cry:  My DH is doing PU/PD with Carys right now. I can't stand hearing her cry - it tears my heart out. It seems like she gets more and more worked up when we do PU/PD. She's hysterical. My DH and I are supposed to take turns doing PU/PD with her, but I don't think I can do it. I just don't know what to do anymore - I can't take this sleep deprivation anymore.  :cry:

[jennc123]

my little one is also a very active girl and she does eventually tire out, so tired that it comes across as not being tired(hope that made sense) i notice that if she is falling alot and more wobbly than she has had enough, then i know she is ready for a nap or for bed.

[velvet]

Hi Melanie - I hope you are doing ok with the pu/pd or whatever you and your dh decided to do with your lo to stop the crying.

JennC - I know what you mean about our active little ones.  I look for those signs too.  Yesterday he only napped for an hour in the morning and went the whole day fine.  I was so nervous because we had an evening family get together and he just slept in the car ride to the get together place.  Once we got there , he was up and ready to party!  He was pretty happy too.  When we got home at 9:00 he was conked out.  I thought well maybe he' ll sleep in.  Fat chance!  He was up at 6:00 ready for breakfast!

[Carys' mom]

Hi,

Thanks velvet. Unfortunately, it's not going so great.  We've been doing PU/PD with her, but she just gets so worked up. Last night, my DH was doing it, but it just wasn't working. She would calm down in the crib, but as soon as he made a move toward the door, she would start up again. Eventually, I went in and picked her up and held her for a few minutes, turned on her music CD that I use during her naps, and she finally settled down and went back to sleep.

Any ideas on how to get PU/PD to work? Or some other method? We all need sleep :!:

Thanks...

[velvet]

Hi,

I didnt use Pu/Pd until my lo was older.  I found he never really needed it until he started to stand up in his crib.  When this happened, everytime he stood, I would gently lay him down and repeat over and over "It's just bedtime".  Eventually he would tire and then stay down.  But in this case he was never crying, he just wanted to play- but it was past bedtime so that's why I used it.

I, like you, found that when my lo was upset Pu/Pd made it worse.  Instead I stayed by his side and kept my hand on his back to let him know I was here with him.  I would repeat over and over " Mommy's here, It's just bed time, Shhhhh..." until he would settle. Sometimes I had to stay 30-60 minutes.  I didnt leave the room until he was sleeping.  Now this was when he was little (4-7 months). 

After establishing that, one day I found when I put him to bed he was fine.  I could leave the room.  He felt safe!   It was really great for 2 months.  Then just now it got where he would cry when I leave.  That's when I thought ok- what's going on (teething, separation anxiety, all of the above?) So, I went back to staying with him but leaving as soon as I felt I had stayed all I could or I felt he would be fine.  I would wait outside his room and if he cried for more than 5 min. I went back in.  I would always tell him, mommy will be right back and I actually followed through.

Now, that lasted 2 weeks and he is ok.  He is back on track (at least for awhile).  What I learned is that everything is temporary - they go through stages.  You just have to reassure them and be there for them when they are upset.  Dont worry about it becoming a habit because once they feel secure then they should go back to sleeping fine on their own.

I hope this helps.  Also, consider if you are doing anything different in your bedtime routine that may be upsetting your lo?  If not, then dont worry.  Stop the pu/pd if it is upsetting your baby and you.  Just go with the hand on the back and not leaving baby's side until you feel safe to do so.  Also, when you do go in and do all this- go in without getting upset or frustrated.  Just accept that baby is having a hard time and you will be there to help him/her through it.  If you are relaxed then baby will feel relaxed too.  I found when my husband went in, baby got more worked up.  Unfortunately, I had to do all the bedtimes for what seemed like the longest time but that's the way it was.  It really wont last forever.  Hope you feel better soon.

[Carys' mom]

Well, I'm back again to this thread. Things seemed to get somewhat better for a while, but tonight has been just horrendous putting her to bed. She screamed and screamed when my husband left the room, so I went in and calmed her down by holding her for a few minutes and singing to her. I put her back in bed and kept singing to her and stroked her leg, and she was calm and seemed to be ready to go to sleep. Then I laid down on the floor by her crib and pretended to go to sleep myself, but she ended up standing up in her crib just chattering. I put her back down and put her blanket on her, and stroked her head for a minute. As soon as I walked toward the door, she started screaming again. She's also been very clingy during the day lately too. I don't know what to do anymore - she's driving me crazy  :cry:  :!:

Does anyone have any more advice on what to do??? I can't take all this crying and clinginess anymore...

Thanks.

[velvet]

Hi there,

You know what?  The exact thing happened to me with my lo.  And, I just did what you did, stayed with him- when I got frustrated I left for a bit- then went back in when I was ready.  Sometimes, he went to bed on his own.  During the day he was a bit clingy.  Two months later - he got 2 teeth!  It was a surprise.  And bedtime is fine again.

I would just say to keep your baby happy during the day, reassure her, comfort her, cuddle, play,etc.  Then do the same routine as always and stay with her until she sleeps.  It lasts about 3-4 weeks and then magically disappears!  Thank goodness!

[Carys' mom]

Hi velvet,

Thanks for the reply. I hope you're right about this only lasting a few weeks! What should I do about naptime? She does the same thing when we put her down for naps now (screaming/crying as soon as we head for the door). When I've tried staying in her room until she goes to sleep, she just seems to see it as a game and stands in her crib trying to get my attention. Then she ends up crying for me to pick her up. Today she only had one nap totaling 40 minutes.   

Thanks...

[velvet]

I know it can be exhausting. For naps, I would try and stay with her and just keep putting her down when she stands up and say "It's nap time".  Maybe even after 20 min say "Ok if you want to play, Mommy's going to go.  I'll be back in a bit" and then leave.  If she cries, wait and see if she can settle herself to sleep afterall you know that she is tired.  If she doesnt settle go back in and try again to stay with her.  BUt if that means that you're in there a whole hour then I would just say, "Ok, I guess we're not taking any naps today," and then go do some low key activity.  Maybe, retry her nap an hour later or so.  I know my lo was experimenting with his nap time. SOme days he could stay up later and then the next day he would want his nap.  I guess you just have to go with the flow.

Right now, my lo is 11 months and he only wants to take 1 nap in the morning.  I try for a second nap at 2:00 and he just plays.  I retry at 3:00 and he cries because he still wants to play.  So bedtime ends up being at 6:00!  It's crazy but I 'm hoping again, that this is just a phase.

Good luck- the good news is that things will change sooner or later!