Desperately need help: 2 yr old refuses lunch and dinner at home

[deedee2kids]

I've not had to write in for quite a while now, I last did on a different username - which I can't even remember ! 

My issue  is my highly spirited 2 year old (to be precise he's 2 and 4 mths old).  I have a new baby who's 6 mths old who's a 'angel' baby.

He used to eat really well, I had his favorites and foods that he didn't like were always consistant like fish, peppers and most other veggies !

He has been going to nursery since he was 1 - full time and now that I'm on mat leave he goes 2 days a week, until I go back in Oct.  He always eats all of his meals there.

His problems are at home.  For about a month now, he refuses his lunch and dinner, I give him his old favorites Jacket potatoes with cheese (which he used to eat tones of), pasta (penne pasta in both homemade and ready jarred tomato sauce) and rice dishes. 

He eats breakfast fine no probs.  He has quite a large breakfast usually: two slices of wholemeal toast, then either scrammbled eggs, fried egg or cereal or slices of cheese.

But lunch & dinner has turned into a battlefield.  As soon as his plates infront of him he pushes it away and says 'No'.  I then tell him to blow it first (because he makes the excuse that its hot) so we sit there blowing it and he's put one spoonful in his mouth and then spits it out.  He'll then refuse point-blank.  No matter what I do or say he won't budge.  I've tried everything.  I know that if I give him his pudding (he usually has or yoghurt, fruit or cake) then he'll happily eat that and probably have more.  His dad who's been off work for the past two weeks gives into him, thinking that its just a phase - and that as long as he eats something he'll be fine.  My way is to say if you don't eat your dinner then no yoghut/cake - which he's happy about - he'll happliy go hungry he's that stubburn !!

He's done this today - (dad not here today) he refused to have his pasta that I made esp for him.  Not one bite.  I put the yoghurt in view and told him he has to eat at least some of the pasta first but he refused.  So I refused to give him his yoghurt, he went to sleep for his nap hungry I'm sure.  (I'm gonna give him the pasta again about 30 mins after he wakes up (as he's usually quite grumpy after his nap!)

His dad also gives in and offers other choices like his favorites, toast or cheese sandwich.  Which makes me mad !  I don't mind doing this if he was ill or something !

I now dread mealtimes and I'm increasingly getting frustrated with him.  I've also stopped his mid morning and mid afternoon snacks (which he always had and he still ate his meals until now).

I'm worried that if I stick to my guns with the 'eat your dinner first' rule and not give into his demands for pudding, that he'll go hungry as he does this everyday. 

The thing is he eats all his food in the nursery !

I was planning on going to Barbados this year in sept, but have now decided to stay at home!  Its that bad ! may go next year when he's 3.

 

[taygensmom]

It sounds liek this is not an issue of taste or texture, but rather a "control issue" where he is foighting for his independence. I would firstly suggest that you not limit yourself to cooking his past "favorites", as children will often go on "food jags" where they will only want one thing for several weeks or even months and then completely refuse that food. Sometimes it is because they change taste preferences, often they are just bored. So personally I would just start offering whatever you as a family are eating for meals, as long as there are about 3 food choices for him to choose from.

I would also suggest cutting out the "bribe" that he can have his yogurt/pudding if he eats his food. If this is a control issue,  your bribe will actually likely make him refuse more, as he knows you are desperate for him to eat and that he is controlling the eating situation. Rather, I would continue with the cutting out of snacks for now (don't worry he won't starve and it doesn't sound like he is underweight) and just not offer yogurt/pudding right now until the eating improves. Put out what you are eating, and then just let him decide if he wants to eat or not. Try to avoid bribing or cajoling in any form, as this will increase the power struggle. If he refuses your foods, remove the plate and casually say "ok, let me know if you change your mind" or "ok, I guess you're not hungry right now". If he requests the food back a few minutes later, then give it to him. Otherwise, say nothing at all, especially any negative comments about how he isn't eating or how he won't get a snack today because he isn't eating, etc...Just go on with your day until the next meal/snack and then offer again.

It sounds like you and your DH are on different pages on your feeding philosophies. Do you think with some conversation you could come to an agreement, as inconsistency with one parent will likely prolong the food refusals. Lastly, I would just make sure he is not filling up on milk/juice in between meals. I would only offer with meals or directly after for a very short time, so that he is motivated to eat during meals. HTH

[Tamara]

Firstly - DEEP BREATHS!  

May speak plainly??

In my experience - firstly, don't believe nursery quite so much.  From my personal experience of nursery with DD - I had this same story from them, that she'd eaten 'x' amount of her meal or had eaten something specific that I KNEW there was no way she would have - so whereas he may well eat in nursery,  I may not quite believe them.  I certainly found my nursery to be less than reliable with quite a lot of info.

Secondly - You are turning this into a battle of wills and I'm really not too sure why  .  Is it because you're mum and therefore your DS should eat what and when you say?  he's 2 right?  he's still learning to eat right amounts at right times and learning what he likes when.  

You've cut out his morning and afternoon snacks - why?? is the fact that he eats pasta for his lunch at lunchtime really that important?? isn't is more important that he has healthy food in his belly equally spaced throughout the day?  What is it that's SO important about eating AT lunchtime and AT tea time.  This is what you do as an adult - he's 2.  Why is he not allowed to reuse lunch if he doesn't want it?  or why might he not be allowed to eat 5-6 smaller snacky meals througout the day.

Eventually, as he gets older, he will get to eat structured meal times with you, the adults.  

Do you ask him what he wants to eat?  or do you just make something you know he likes for him?  It may help to give him a choice between 2 meals that you are willing for him to have, knows he likes and are happy to cook for him.  If he wants nothing, then so be it.  I'm sure there have been times when you haven't felt like something to eat when it's mealtime haven't you?

I would also stop bribing him with his pudding.  This IMO is not fair.  Why 'force' him to eat something he clearly doesn't want/like in order to gain a 'reward'?

I was what most on here would have labelled a 'fussy' child.  I ate VERY VERY little, but it was enough for me.  I too didn't always want food at specific mealtimes - I rarely felt hungry.  I have grown fit and healthy - no problems at all. BUT......

I too was bribed and threatened at mealtimes - eg if you don't eat x y and z, you can't have your pudding.  You'll have to stay there till you've eaten it all.  You can't go out to play till x is eaten etc etc

This had a VERY negative effect on me - I used to dread mealtimes (esp at school) as I was scared of what threats lay ahead of me,  and I can tell you now - they did NOT work.  If I didn't want the food cos I was full (but nobobdy would believe that) I wouldn't eat it no matter how long I had to stay there, but it did make me miserable and I found mealtimes very stressful.

Let your DS decided when he is hungry and what he woudl like to eat and also, more importantly, how muc he wants to eat.

Keep a vague idea in your head of all the food he eats over a 2 day period and I'm sure he'll be eating adequate amounts.

[deedee2kids]

Tamara: you don' t beat around the bush do you !!??

The reason why I stopped his snacks was to see whether his refusal to eat at mealtimes was due to him being full.

I've been 'advised' by family members and nursery staff that if he's hungry he'll eat.

I've tried asking him what he wants to eat for lunch and he just repeats what I say, Like if I ask if he wants a jacket potato or pasta, he'll just repeat the last word I said !!! I've tried it both ways round and he says both of them !

I know he eats most (if not everything) of his meals at nursery because I've spied on him !  I think the reason he does is because he knows that if he doesn't eat it - he'll be hungry and thats why he plays-up at home because he knows that mum/dad will give him alternatives.


So far today, he's now awoken and has been awake for for about an hour and I've made some cheese on toast for myself and a slice for him and he didn't eat it.  I know for a fact that very soon he'll be standing in the kitchen shouting for chocolate!

I know he's still young but I don't want him to be snacking all day (as you adviced), he's always been on a regular mealtimes plan and he's never had any probs until - which I beleive is a power-struggle.  It also could be his molars coming through (but I don't think its this as he eats breakfast fine.)

If this is a phase I hope it passes soon - he's not underwight but has lost a bit recently.

I think he's figured that he'll get pudding regardless to if he eats his dinner or not.  But then I feel guilty not giving him any and thinking that he'll starve if I refuse.  which I've tried (like today).

[taygensmom]

There are many different philosophies regarding eating and how to install healthy eating habits in your LOs. I would just say do what works for your family. Personally for us it was important to have meals together, and since we plan on having at least 4 little ones it was impractical to offer alot of different alternatives or cook separate meals. We also go out alot, and to other people's houses, and I didn't want to have to pack something separate for my LO, etc... or bring less healthy or alternative snacks with me because that is all my LO wanted to eat. But that is just our family. Some families have a much more laid back approach to feeding, and if their LOs are eating a varied and healthy diet that's great. Really you just ened to think about what is going to work the best for your family and you and your DH's style of parenting and of course your Lo, and give it a try. Hope you are not more confused than when you posted your question (LOL)!!! HTH

[deedee2kids]

Well, (yesterday) he was fine having his dinner which I gave him at 4.45pm - he had a large jacket potato with cheese, and he ate all of it, and then his yoghurt and then some banana.

This morning he's done really well (he's always ate a good breakfast) having a slice and a half of toast and scrambled eggs.

Were having rice and chicken for lunch so I'll offer him that today.  He usually eats some of it, but we'll see !  I not going to give him any filling snacks either, like banana he can have grapes or raisens.

Anyway, fingers crossed !

[Mydreamcametrue]

deedee2kids:  I am in the same boat at you.  Well my 2year old has always been a very fussy eater and never ate much, even as a baby.  I am starting to accept the fact that he just does not have a big appetitite.

Like your son, mine also eats a very good breakfast and then has a snack.  Normally by lunch time, he refuses.  I was giving him a snack after his nap and then having dinner as a family, BUT he was refusing dinner.

So I do agree with Tamara, that a 2 years old meals do not have to be so structured like ours.  But, if you want to have family meals, then that would be hard. 

What I have done and it works out a lot better is:

He has breakfast when he wakes up, Snacks, Nap and then Dinner food when he wakes from his nap.  Then a snack later.

My doctor also told us that if he wanted to snack 5 to 6 times a day, that was fine, as long as it was healthy snacks.  Cheese, peanut butter crackers, Fruit, vegetable sticks, etc. 

It is very frustrating, trust me, i have dealt with eating issues since he was born. 

Good Luck, Wendy

[J & J's Mum]

Hi,

I have the same problem with my DS.  He's 27 months old now. 

I've made a rod for my own back really!  I've always prepared seperate meals for him, meat and veg disguised with mashed potato on the top.  Now, he won't eat veg on it's own, or meat!  He loves mashed potato though.  He won't eat any fruit now, which he did.  He just keeps asking for yoghurt!   He totally refused his breakfast this morning, so he's gone off to playgroup hardly eating anything!  They do give them snacks mid-morning though.  I feel like I'm taring my hair out, I really do.  I dread meal times!!

[Tamara]

Ladies - with all due respect, you need to keep it in perspective.  Whilst you may think your child is full of 'eating problems' honestly and truly - how many adults/older children do you see who will only eat pureed veg when they are out for a meal? 

In the great scheme of life - your children are still really young and are still learning to eat and what they like.  To expect them to eat everything is unrealistic and unachievable. 

With regards to family meals - I agree that they are important.  I grew up always eating around the dinner table and in the evenings 90% of the time, we also do this.  But it's achievable over a longer period of time rather than say, 'at 2 yo'. 

I understand that you want your LO to eat structured meals but maybe he isn't quite ready to do so just yet?  Maybe he will be able to manage it in a year's time for example. 

Think of babies - some have lots of milk in the day and in the night - some have milk in the day and sleep all night.  Not all babies eat the same or develop at the same pace. 

He may well eat at nursery because he copies other kids? or he is distracted by them and therefore doesn't realise how much he's eating?  What ever the reason - does it matter?  no, be happy that he does eat well there and stop comparing it to home.  I find it VERY hard to believe that a 2yr 4 month old boy has the mental reasoning to think to himself " I have to eat this food here (nursery) otherwise I get nothing else, however, mum and dad are a pushover and I shall continue therefore to refuse all my meals at home till they give me what I want".

Please don't think that I am dismissing your concerns, I am not, I am merely trying to get you to see it in another way and to try and put it in perspective.  You are obviously stressing about this, and you could be for another number of months.  the way I see it, having experienced it first hand with DD is that these things come with time - you just need some patience and to keep relaxed about it.  He is doing just fine.

And sorry for sounding harsh 

[Mydreamcametrue]

Tamara:  You have made me feel a lot better.  So many people push you about your child not eating well, or eating to little, etc.  I totally agree with what you are saying.  So since you have experienced it first hand, what would you do in my case, I am asking because I like your outlook on things.

My son is 2 years old.  As a baby he was never a big eater, never drank much formula or baby food, etc.  He did have tons of stomach issues though until 18 mos old.  He had reflux, very intolerant to milk and soy.  It took us sometime to figure this out.  I am not sure if before we figured that out, he always hurt when he ate, so now he just has memories of that.

Now though he handles anything just fine.  He loves milk, cheese, ice cream and has no problems. 

BUT.... he is still a very very picky eater and only eats very small amounts. He wants to snack all day long, and my doctor at one time said that was fine, but now she is saying to cut out all snacks because he does not get the feel of being hungry??

Here is a list of foods he will he eat:
- Cheerios
- Bananas
- Fruit (which he has stopped eating recently)
- Hotdogs (but has stopped liking them recently). This is the ONLY  meat he will eat.
- He will not eat any vegetables at all, except for Hardees Green Beans
- Cheese
- Pizza
- Peanut butter, by itself.  He just eats it off the crackers
- Any type of snacking foods.  Goldfish crackers, crackers,
- Raisens
- Gummy fruit snacks
-

That is really about it.  He does take a mult-vitamin once a day.

Some others have suggested maybe he has a "Sensory issue"  He does eat, just very picky.
It does not seem like a passing phase for us, since he has been like this since birth.

I wonder if he still has reflux and that is the issues???

Any thoughts?
Thanks, Wendy

[Tamara]

Please bear in mind here that this is only my thoughts ok?

He loves milk, cheese, ice cream and has no problems. 

Here is a list of foods he will he eat:
- Cheerios
- Bananas
- Fruit (which he has stopped eating recently)
- Hotdogs (but has stopped liking them recently). This is the ONLY  meat he will eat.
- He will not eat any vegetables at all, except for Hardees Green Beans
- Cheese
- Pizza
- Peanut butter, by itself.  He just eats it off the crackers
- Any type of snacking foods.  Goldfish crackers, crackers,
- Raisens
- Gummy fruit snacks

That is really about it.  He does take a mult-vitamin once a day.

I wonder if he still has reflux and that is the issues???

With regards to reflux - I have NO idea, I don't know anything about it I'm afraid.

With regards to his food intake - yep, It may not be the widest variety of foods - but he does seem to be having some of all the major food groups - carbs, protein, fruit and a veg. 

As he doesn't seem to like to meat (besides hot dogs, which I would be careful about giving too often, as they can be quite high in salt) will he eat fish?  My dd loves fish - something like cod/hake/haddock aren't too strong a taste and would be a good source of protein for him.

I would continue to offer new foods as well - one day he may surpirse you. 

Sorry for the quick reply, bit short of time now. Will check back soon though

[Colin Macs Mom]

Hey Wendy,

Looking at the list of foods he'll eat, I do wonder if it's a reflux thing. Especially since he's stopped eating fruit. It can't hurt to approach it with Z's doc.... JMHO 

[Mydreamcametrue]

Thanks!  It has been brought up to his doctor and she said to start him back on prevacid, but I would hate to do that if he "truly" does not have a problem.

The only other thing that makes me think it is bothering him again is, just out of the blue he will start whininng/screaming like he is in major pain, BUT the doctor also said all this could be related to him getting his 2 year molars.

He goes for his 2 year checkup next month so I am going to discuss a lot of these issues with her.

Fish, Nope.. No chicken nuggets, hamburger, no spegetti, no noodles, nothing like that.

[binxyboo]

There is hope, Riley just recently started eating meat and fish!!

And those two year molars are a b!tch for us~he will be walking around fine, all of a sudden he will shriek in pain and start holding his jaw and shaking his head etc.

[Mydreamcametrue]

I bet that is what is wrong with him then.  I can feel them right at the gums. 

[Katet]

Tamara... I totally agree with everything you have said.
My 4yo was a good eater at childcare, but at home has always been limited in what he eats, but as he eats, meat, Apples, Bananas, grapes, various grains/cereals, Mash potato (with puree veg mixed in) & dairy, I'm not to worried as in a day he eats from each food group... My 2yo is much the same, although eats more veg .... I was much the same at 2-5yo stage & my brother ate everything, now as an adult, he is VERY fussy & I eat pretty much everything (except Lamb, cos it gives me stomach cramps).

The best advice I got as far as food is concerned "A child will NEVER starve themselves & it is the parents responsibility to offer healthy food & a child's to choose how much & when they eat it"  I can tell you a 2yo can live off air & water for 2 days... cos mine does quite often, he just looses interest in food & then a few days later he eats more so much food it is unbelievable.

As Tamara said 2yo love to have control & if you give them something to let them have a power struggle with you over, they will take it & run with it... where as at childcare they children realise that no one cares enough to have that struggle.

[Tamara]

a child's to choose how much & when they eat it" 

I wholeheartedly agree, and I can't stress just HOW important I feel that this is.  Children these days don't learn to self-regulate, and we have an obesity epidemic, not just from the food choices that are made, but because people have forgotten or never learnt when to stop eating.  They eat till they can't eat anymore and then complain about how full they are!! bonkers!! 

Adults are OBSESSED with their children's eating habits (not having a 'dig' at anyone here) and are forever cajoling and bribing their children to eat more - the classic "just one more spoonful/bite" What difference is tha one spoonful/bite going to make to your child's long-term growth and development?  None - it just gives parents an opportunity to exert some 'control' over their LO's eating habits instead of trusting THE CHILD's judgement.

Sorry - rant over 

[Mydreamcametrue]

I see your point deft.  It is just frustrating to me that I cannot get my lo to eat barely any vegetables or meat.  He is growing though and very healthy.

I deft. do not bribe him at all to eat more or try something.  I would never want someone to do that to me.  If he does not want to try something, then fine, he is the one missing out. 

[ella&jack'smum]

deedee2kids - I know you say that it was a good day, but it sound like when your toddler eats they are having really big portions - honestly, a big jacket pot with cheese would last me for tea/dinner, and a slice and a half of toast with scrambled eggs is more than I ever eat for breakfast!

Can't look for it now, but have you seen the post which details what toddler size portions look like? It may reassure you that even though your lo doesn't eat at the times you would like, they may well be getting the volume of food they need.

I completely agree with everything Tamara said too, but as mum's it is SOOOOOO hard not to get stressed about how much they're eating. But at the age of two he is more than capable of asserting himself as to when he wants to eat. If he doesn't eat at the time you have prescibed for lunch could you not leave the food on the table - I often do this with Ella and an hour later I'll walk in to see her tucking into it.

I think it's important to remember that 3 square meals a day is a SOCIAL CONVENTION, and NOT what science/medecine has determined is the best way for our bodies to eat food - indeed many healthy diet plans now advocate smaller meals possibly more frequently throughout the day, and certainly avoiding your biggest meal at the end of the day.

[Katet]

FWIW, for breakfast my 2yo ate 3 weetbix & 1 huge serve of stewed apple (lumpy apple sauce) which was more than I could eat & I expect he won't eat the rest of the day.

Also as sue mentioned toddler portions are actually pretty small... from memory, 1 slice of bread = 2 grain serves, a 9volt battery sice piece of meat is a meat serve & 1/4 apple is 1 fruit serve.
people have varied appetites... my sis who is petite (I think US size 4), always has had a much bigger meal serve than me & I am US size 12 I think...her son is the same he is 3yo & smaller than my 2yo, but eats twice as much (& poops 5x as often LOL)
 

[Tamara]

deedee2kids - I know you say that it was a good day, but it sound like when your toddler eats they are having really big portions - honestly, a big jacket pot with cheese would last me for tea/dinner, and a slice and a half of toast with scrambled eggs is more than I ever eat for breakfast!

TBH - I was thinkig this too.  They are 'hearty' portions he's eating, and then if he's happily eating a mid-morning/afternoon snack too, no wonder he's not hungry by lunch/evening meal.

Maybe have a look at this link with regard to portion sizes - once again bearing in mind that they are merely a guide and not an absolute.  adjust it to your child
https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=24957.0

And with regards to eating veggies - maybe this thread may be of use to you?https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=33203.0

HTH

[Tamara]

Two more

https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=26674.0

https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=25033.0

[deedee2kids]

I can see why most people think that my son eats large portions, but he's always eaten large portions for breakfast.  (And no, I don't stand over him forcing/cajoling him to eat more !)
Even when he was 1 and a half , he sometimes used to eat two whole slices of toast, I now make him one slice and he finisihes it quickly and I I ask him if he wants some more.  Sometimes he'll say yes sometimes he'll say no.  Its up to him. He also has a choice of eggs or cereal or cheese.  He's very tall for his age but has never been chubby, taller than other 3 year olds in his class, maybe thats why he eats more ?! 
anyway, I've chilled out more this week about him not eating much.  His molars are breaking through - although he's never really complained about the pain so its hard to tell with him, noticed whilst I was trying to brush his teeth. 
We're going strawberry picking tomorrow - so'll no doubt he'll be stuffed will all the fruit !

[Tamara]

Nice to hear from you - glad you've been able to feel a bit more relaxed about it this week too.