26 months eating, already a power struggle?

[Mom2X&F&V]

Well... this is a long story, but now i am concerned that she is actuallt manipulating me. Since 4 months she rejected milk, 2 months later we discovered that she was lactose intolerant, but she never accepted milk again until 9 months. Then she became a picky eater rejecting all fruits and only wanting carbs. Then she became a vegetarian, she then went to a phase of actually eating everything. But now omg!!! So she now drinks milk with chocolate only twice a day, eats vegetables of all kinds, pears and she could eat every cookie avalable but absolutely no meet, eggs, chicken or fish, just turkey ham sometimes. So this is our routine. Breakfast she has milk at 7 then i offer some breakfast with always a NO. Then she goes to nursery where she eats some lunch at 10:30 mostly ham, jello, yougurt or cookies. Then we do to momīs or to milīs to have lunch at 2 where she always always cries the instant she sees food infront and we sit her at the table. So i put her down and then when we eat she tries some of our food, but not enough. So then she starts asking for cookies. I say no until dinner. Finally at 6 its her dinner where she eats youguts or frois cheese or rice pudding and finally her milk. That is it for the day. She is below her weight a little, but running and all. I do not know what to do as when i go to milīs house it is always a no, she wonīt even try the food only the veggies. So mil alwas is tellig "what a difficult girl, i do not know what else to cook for her" So it is always a fight, yes it has become a foght and i do not know what else to do. Dh eats at 2 with us and is punishing her because i always offer her the protein first and she rejects, but if she sees a cookie or a vegetable she will say "i want carrots or zuccini or bread". But no protein at all so dh gets mad. The other day she wanted an oreo cookie at 5 pm after rejecting all her food so i said "no cookies until you eat your meat" So she went to the kitchen look for her meat ate it all in a single bite (she almost gags) and then she said, fine, iīm done i want my cookie. !!!  So i really really do not know what to do. Pleas please i need some advice as i do not want anymore the food to be a powe struggle. Please help!!!

[mum101]

Hi Dani, HUGS first of all!

In terms of the power struggle, as you know for sure your DH getting angry will not help. Let him know that it will only increase anxiety (ask him how he would feel if someone got mad at him whenever he ate). 

Does she have a day nap, if so where does it fit into your routine?

In terms of not eating then preferring cookies later, it would be easiest to simply not have cookies in the house.  She will learn that she can't rely on them later to fill her up.  In terms of having chocolate milk, don't have it available either.  You could re-introduce those things when she settles into a food routine you are happy with.

I'm not sure but given your DD's food intake, she is having a milk breakfast, yogurt and ham lunch, and if she's having some yougurt and cheese at dinner her protein is probably OK.  But a lot of toddlers don't like the texture or hard work of meats, which is why so many prefer mince or sausages over the better quality cuts such as steak!  Eating small quantities of meat is probably OK, but understand your concern about her weight. 

Here is a good recipe.  Simmer in beef stock a quality beef steak, cool once cooked and puree.  Add to rice noodles (or pasta) along with a tin of tomatoes and peas or other veges she likes.  As the beef becomes the 'sauce' and sticks to everything else it might be easier to get her to eat it.  My DD and myself love this meal!  It's quite tasty. 

I think a two-pronged approach of being completely calm and unaffected during meals (I know a HUGE ask for all) and not bringing cookies or giving chocolate milk (the trouble foods) can help to make meal times easier. Ask your MIL and mum to hide cookies in another room while DD is there to help the process.  Not having cookies doesn't need to be a punishment, just make up some excuse that 'the shops ran out of cookies, oh no!! oh well'

If she still doesn't eat lunch with you guys, you could take another approach and give her the opportunity for her to have a snack between lunch and dinner.  A suggestion would be to just leave a small platter of healthy food options for her on a table her height and don't mention it.  That way there is no pressure of 'it's time you sat down and ate a meal now' for her and she will eat if she wants to. Might be good for increasing her weight a little. 

Does she help cook at dinner?  When my DD has been difficult to feed in the past, I've got her to help make mini vege pizzas or such and she loves it!  She often eats many of the toppings raw before they get on the pizza and she thinks that's pretty cheeky!     Giving your DD power in her meals and limited choices could help avoid a power struggle.

Good luck, hope my rambling helps!!

[Katet]

Wow she eats veg & has milk.
Did you know that the amount of meat a 2yo needs to provide protein is the size an average adult's baby finger... so that is pretty much one bite of meat & if they have cheese or milk they don't even need that much.
Looking at her diet with milk & other dairy & the meat she does eat... she actually probably gets her protein needs from that.

One thing I learnt is food is a FANTASTIC way for toddlers to have a power struggle with a child & sounds like you & your dh are really giving her such great opportunities to "fight" you on it. I know we did with our eldest.

my 2 children are what many would call fussy eaters (both rarely eat a vegetable) & well I know dh & I were also like that as children, but we aren't now, so I roll with it.
We have one motto in our house "we provide a healthy balanced diet, they choose when/if they eat it" My children are allowed 2 sweet foods/ day & they pick when (often flavoured milk & cake at 9.30am). I put 4-5 foods on the plate at meal times & then no further discussion is entered into, if they don't want something, they leave it, & if after a meal is finished (& they leave the veg) they can have a choice of a few of the healthy snacks that we offer (eg cheese, rice cakes, sandwich, fruit, veg (always refused)). Yet my 26mo will try things I would never imagine, simply because he has spent his life this way, he eats chinese soups & chilli dishes as well as loving lentils & chickpeas.

[J & J's Mum]

Wow Katet, I didn't realise a 2yo needed such a small amount of protein.  If I'd of known that I wouldn't of worried so much about my ds.

Mom2X&F, I too struggled with my DS.  He would throw the biggest tantrums at meal times.  I was pulling my hair out at times!  I dreaded meal times.  He would push is plate of food away and ask for yoghurts, which I gave him.  I had to disguise veg in with mashed potato because there's no way he would eat them.  I put my foot down and said that he had to eat more dinner so he could have a yoghurt as dessert.  It's hard, but it works! 

If he doesn't eat very well at a meal, I now put a plate of healthy food/snacks near to where he's playing so he can pick at his leisure and this helps.

I remember a time not so long ago when all he wanted was biscuits or cakes and he would scream until he had one.  Again, I put my foot down and stopped buying them.  He soon forgot about it.  That was another hurdle we went over.

Stick to it and you'll do it.
x

[Mom2X&F&V]

Hi. Thanks to all for the reply. I really appreciate it.
She naps from 1 to 2:30 or from 12:30 until 2. So if I do not give chocolate milk she will not have milk at all. She eats ham only once in a while, but not daily. At lunch she could have lots of carbs too it is not only the cookies. I actually do not feed her cookies anymore in between feeds, just one cookie as a dessert. And at dinner I do give yogurt and rice pudding only if she eats her ham or some chese.
So I am ignorant here. What should I tell her then or do. Just put the plate infont and let her not eat anything but vegetables and carbs or tell her that if she eats she can have a cookie? I know she will not eat a thing from 2 pm (that she rejected) until 6, she does not asks sometimes or if I she does I offer nutriotios food which she rejects again. So then at 6 she eats sometimes ok but sometimes just a yougurt and milk. I  know we should not punish, but I just let her not eat and eat what she wants even though there is no protein in it? I am sorry but do not know what to do or how to handle it or what to tell her. A last question so if she does not have milk in the morning and at night then she goes along and morning and at night without anything in her stomach? She can have for dinner a yougurt and then no milk? You should know that here the main course is at too and at dinner is a smaller amount of food.
Also I really have not to much time to spend at dinner time as the baby wonīt let us he is a little demanding too. Sometimes I think she likes to call attention since baby was born. I really do not know how to handle this. Thanks a lot again...      

[Katet]

Dani there are so many "ways" people say you should do things, here we don't offer a 'if you eat X you get a cookie" as I think that puts more value on the cookie. Here it is "if you are hungry you can have XYZ (being healthy foods)" & gets to pick.
My 26mo hardly eats dinner & his milk intake is up & down BUT I know him being a 2nd child, he won't starve himself.
My suggestions, which are by no means necessarily "right"
- Offer the milk, but start diluting the chocolate out a small amount every 3-4 days
- serve up the meals & if she doesn't eat, tell her she can have X or Y (cheese or meat) or wait until the next meal... keep that meal handy (or at least the stuff that will be ok) if she asks for food later
- put 4-5 foods on her plate, 1-2 foods she doesn't really eat & 1-2 foods she will eat & 1-2 maybe foods eg yesterday my 26mo's plate was -fish (will eat), apple (will eat), mash potato(doesn't eat), cheese (sometimes eat) & beans (sometimes eat) & all except the mash got eaten.
- tell her she can have 2-3 "cookie" days a week & she can choose when she has the cookies & if she wants them when she wakes up let her.
-Definitely don't use the "if you have that you can have a cookie" that really sets up bad eating experiences for the future
- Let go of the if she doesn't eat she will be hungry... she won't 2yo can & do run on air & water.

HTH

[Mom2X&F&V]

Hi!
Thanks a lot. I tried today a full plate with vegetables (carrot, zuccini and leek), some chicken, rice with peas, beans and tortilla. So she ate all the veggies, the peas from the rice 2 or 3 beans and some tortilla. So she "ate". Then she finally got down from the chair and 30 min. later she was around the table crying and looking for more food so i offered her same plate and wanted us to carry her to see what she could eat from our plates. She kept on crying and being fussy until at 5 pm I offered cheese, tortilla and pear, again she ate the pear and the tortilla. Finally at 6:30 she asked for a yogurt and her milk so I said there is cheese or chicken. She rejected so I gave yogurt and her milk a little diluted. What I didnīt liked was that all evening she seemed hungry and was trying to eat something but there wasnīt anything she liked so she was all fussy and crying and really an unpleasant person. So should I just keep like that even though I know she is hungry???

[Katet]

I'd offer bigger amounts of the food she will eat that is good... like the veg, peas have some protein in them. I'm a bit stuck on why you are so worried when she is obviously so good at eating Veg... look up all the veg that vegetarians eat & offer her them... protein doesn't have to come from meat.
it may also be she is looking for "sugar" since she is used to the sugar from the cookie & she is having a "sugar" withdrawral.
I think you have to do what feels right to you, but being a bit blunt here... I'd LOVE it if my boys eat what she did for lunch & I think you might be being a bit stressed about nothing as I just looked up a book... 2-3 yo need an average of 14-18g of protein/day (1.2g/kg of body weight) & on average 1 cup(250ml) milk has 8.5g, 30g cheese 7.5g, 1/4 cup peas 2g, average slice of bread 4g, corn tortilla 2.6g... I'm thinking she is probably getting pretty much her protein needs when you look at those amounts.

[mum101]

Hi Dani,

I know your feeling that if you don't control what she eats she won't eat well, but I think you can trust her some more.  She does after all eat lots of veges and dairy which is great. 

I think any new routine or habits you set in place will take a while of consistency for her to get used to them.  See how she is after at least a week of a new routine to see her accept there will be no cookies between 2 and 6 and there will be a small snack if she wants.  I'd expect her to be more difficult in the meantime. 

It sounds like the main issue for you is her hunger between 2 and 6. Regardless of what she eats off her plate at lunch, always offer a snack on a table at her level at 3:30 or 4 for example.  Never set yourself up for rejection so just put it on a table and walking off.  It won't be a power issue and if she is truly hungry she will eat from it. 

If she fusses about, just tell her dinner will be ready later at 6, in the meantime there is a lovely snack on the table.  She would need a few days of consistency to not hassle you for preferred foods, and yes she might be more annoying as she knows she can hassle you to get other foods. 

Re: lunch - I'd suggest you could make a rule that what is on her plate is for her, what is on mum's plate is for mum.  Kate's idea of giving her more of what she likes is great, so that she is fuller for her afternoon. 

Kate's idea of gradually reducing the chocolate level in the milk is great, soon it will just be a tiny tint of colour in the milk and before long she'll be drinking almost all milk.

Personally I'd remove cookies from the equation completely, as it's become a bribe food and as it can easilly become an issue in the future. I agree you don't need to 'bribe' with cookies to eat other foods, it puts an emotional value on foods beyond just enjoying them. 

But I think she eats pretty well. 

Does your younger one have a sleep in the arvo?  Perhaps you could make something with your DD like mini pizzas while he sleeps.  You might find your DD eating some of the ingredients while you both prepare the meal.  You can cook them and reheat for dinner. 

 

[Mom2X&F&V]

Hi. Thanks to all. She is actually loosing weight, that is why I am concerned. The cookis she use to eat are salty ones, she actually hates sugary food.  It has been 3 weeks since cookies are gone she is not in cookies anymore but she still asks for them. I know she is eating veggies and milk, but she is  below her weight. Thant is my big concern. I tried diluting milk like 2 months ago and she stopped drinking milk completely and didnīt have breakfast or dinner as she is now so she woke in the middle of the night hungry. So thank you all. I am feeling better knowing the protein amount for her. I am going to offer food more times leaving it near her on a table as she hates been on the high chair sitted.  Thanks.

[mum101]

What percentile range is her weight?

Perhaps you could get rid of the high chair? Might appeal to her independence ?

[Mom2X&F&V]

Hi. Thanks a lot. She is on te 5th percentile. She has a small table near our table with a chair for her and a Tripp Trapp Stoke chair without a belt around. She is able to go up and down as she pleases... so the problem is to keep her up there for more than 5 minutes, but she has liberty to move... thanks for the suggestions.