Just starting out

[thegirlwho]

Thanks in advance for reading everyone :-)

My little boy is 3.5 months old. We were going with the flow up until Christmas but recently looked at his sleep and decided he was probably over tired and I was misreading his tired cues as hunger. He has always been fed to sleep which is hard on me. 

We thought we'd try the EASY routine to help him nap and sleep better. We've been trying it for 2 days and already he's better. Makes a huge difference catching him before he gets over tired.

I do need a bit of direction though on how to transition from feeding to sleep to self settling.

We are working well on the naps in the day and i'm managing to get him to sleep by gently rocking him in my arms, shhshhing and patting him. Already a vast improvement from the feeding to sleep!! At night he co sleeps in a cot with the side down, next to us. At bedtime, we are still feeding to sleep as we thought we'd tackle naps first.

However as soon as we put him down anywhere, in his cot, pram or even just beside us on the bed, he will wake up either as soon as he's down or within 10/15 minutes. We have to wait over 40 minutes before he's asleep enough for us to put him down.. zzzzzz....

So how do I get from this, to a baby who will settle in his cot on his own? I've had a bit of luck sitting next to him and patting his tummy when he starts to stir but if I don't get there quick enough, he just won't have it and I have to pick him up again.

Do I need to try shh-pat or PU/PD? He's 14 weeks but was 3 weeks early (does that make a difference?)

Thanks in advance everyone :-) I love the EASY routine already. Just need to iron out some issues.

[creations]

Hello and welcome to BW

It sounds like you've made a great start!

As you have already made some great progress with stopping the feed to sleep prop for naps you might find this is a good time to begin a GW at the BT feed too (although if it is not causing a problem many find feeding to sleep at night does not effect independent sleep).  You might find this information about the Gentle Removal Plan helpful
Gentle Removal Plan

WRT waking when you put him down, you need to continue with shush/pat or a hand on him (you say sitting next to him patting his tummy works) as you put him down and continue for up to 20 mins until you see/him move into deep sleep.  When you begin to do this he may stir or wake as you put him down but continue to shush/pat and comfort him whilst he is laying down, aim to teach him he is safe to fall to sleep feeling the weight of his body on the mattress with you right there to reassure him (this feels quite different to him than being held in arms).  If he fully wakes and cries (more than a mantra cry) you will pick him back up and continue to shush/pat in arms until he is calm, then lay him down (drowsy if possible, if not possible because he's been very upset then let him go fully to sleep but in the future you aim to get him down drowsy but still a little awake, it's a process), continue until he is in a deep sleep and end the shush/pat gradually by reducing the pressure of the pat until it is a still hand and reducing the shush until you are quiet.  Then leave.
At each sleep you will aim to reduce in this way, always reassuring him and helping him, but with the end goal in sight so that you don't get 'stuck' at each step.  Gradually he will learn that he is totally safe and confident to sleep alone so after a cuddle and shush/pat you will be able to put him down awake but drowsy and leave him to fall to sleep alone. he will know that whenever he needs you, you will return to him, this confidence in you and in his own ability to sleep alone is built over time so whilst you need to keep moving forward toward your goal you don't need to be in a hurry to complete the goal in one day.
I always told my DS when I was going to put him down, rather than try to sneak him down, I would say "I'm going to put you down now so you can sleep properly, I'm still here."  I believe it can be quite a surprise to wake up in a different place to where one fell to sleep so telling LO what you are doing can be reassuring.

Hope this helps

[thegirlwho]

Thanks for the reply. It's well timed too as we haven't had such a good day today and I'm so upset and frustrated I have had to leave him in his cot watching his mobile as I just can't take anymore. He will not let me put him down. My whole body aches from rocking him all day and in seriously exhausted as he woke 5 times last night, 11-2-3:30-5:10 and 6:15.

This morning he woke at 7am and started showing signs of tiredness at 8:15 so we went upstairs for a cuddle and some calm time. I rocked, patted and shushed him to sleep in my arms and just as he'd gone I put him down. He woke up straight away and screamed so I repeated it 5x times. Eventually he didn't stir and he managed a whole 10 minutes. Then he woke up and I spent 45 minutes trying to get him to settle again. By the point he was of course, wide awake, and alternating between screaming and grinning at me, he was not tired.

I gave up this morning as that had taken so long. Got back on track for his nap and he was tired at 1:45. EXACTLY the same thing happened. He went for 10 mins. I had a lot of luck settling him but he was wide awake. We took a short break and had a cuddle. Then I spent another 45 minutes trying to settle him again.

It seems that when he wakes after only a matter of minutes, he thinks he's fine and not tired. However he falls asleep pretty easily.... So he must be

He goes for 1.5 hours between naps and sometimes he can't seem to manage that :-( but he is almost 4 months so perhaps needs to go for longer?

He is a spirited/touchy baby and he is just so demanding. I have not managed to eat anything other than a piece of toast today as he just will not give me a break.

I don't see how, with my husband at work all day, I'll be able to get this sorted.

HELP! I Just can't go on with things as they are.

[creations]

Hugs honey. It sounds like you are really working hard there.  You will get through this, I know your body aches and you are tired and hungry but you really will get through, this is not going to be for ever xxx

As things are so tricky and you are body-sore from holding and rocking I would suggest you try one or two naps on your bed so that when you put him down you do so in such a way that your are *very* close to him, continue to shush/pat.  Not sure where you are or what the weather is like, if it's cold try something like a hot water bottle on the bed to pre-warm it so he doesn't get a cold shock when you put him down beside you. *Do remove it* before putting him down and check the area is not overly warm. You can try this in his cot too if you decide you are able to continue the sleep training into his cot.

You could try an additional 15 mins onto his A time. The thing is though is after that very brief nap he is alert because he feels like he has had a full nap even though it was a micro nap, my DS was like that too.

The difficult day you have described is probably a long way towards where you need to be. It didn't feel like it, I know, but when he nods off then wakes then nods off then wakes this is the point where he is so tired he will eventually sleep (in his cot) even if it isn't a long nap. Those brief moments of being asleep in his own cot and not in your arms and falling to sleep in his cot rather than your arms, those moments are the times he is going to learn to sleep in his cot. it's a process. Tomorrow or the next day could show huge progress if you have the strength to continue.
Many people choose one nap to work on and this may be a good option for you - it's helpful in a situation like yours where you are lacking the energy to do an entire day of it and there is no back up to step in. Choose one nap, I'd choose the first of the day, work on that for independence, APOP (accidental parenting on purpose - ie hold him through the nap) for the other naps in the day if this can give you any sort of rest (can you make yourself comfy on the sofa for instance or have him in a sling).

There are a few different options there. Go with whatever you feel you can manage. Sleep training can be hard work, worth it in the end, but you also need to take care of yourself.
There's always support here for you x

[thegirlwho]

Thanks for your really kind words. It's been a really tough day so I'm grateful I had somewhere I could come to vent and get advice.

It is proving really tough, but I knew it would be and I knew it wouldn't change overnight so we will persevere for a few days at least.

Your advice is great thpugh, thank you. I have taken some onboard already and it's made a difference.

When he went to bed I fed him to 'almost' sleep snd he woke up when I placed him in his cot. I kept one hand underneath him to reassure him and patted his belly. Then after a few minutes I removed my hand from under him and kept patting. Then I stopped and left my hand there instead. He stirred a few times over the next 10 mins and I patted quietly when he did. He then slept for 1hr45 :-) He only just woke and it took about 10 minutes to get him back into the cot.

His cot is right next to ours with the side down so I've been basically lying in it next to him too. I'll move further away once he's happier to go down. Does that seem like a good idea?

I have found that gentler pats and shushing quietly right by his ear gets the best resuls. I suspect he finds too much else over stimulating. He definitely picks up on my frustrations too, so quiet soft calming noises seem to work best for this little man.

Your suggestion about focusing on only 1 nap is a good idea. It was too much today and hard for both of us. He screamed so much and I really don't want him to associate his cot with crying and screaming!! I'll do the first nap in the cot, the other two in the buggy, whilst I'm out and the last one at home with me, on the bed.
I will still focus on bedtime too, and I'll gradually work the other naps into the cot as needed.

I guess for the best chance of success I need him to be having the naps so he's not overtired when I put him down for the next one.

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom :-) I'm going to attempt a 1hr 40 A tomorrow and I'll report back and let you know how we are getting on.

[creations]

It sounds like you've done great!
Honestly I know just how tired you are.
What you have described for putting him to bed sounds perfect as a step towards independence. Well done!

I also think your plan of 1 nap in the cot, a couple in the buggy and 1 with you sounds like it will suit you for now. Do keep it as the same nap each day you work on, don't switch around if at all possible. LOs pick up habits quickly and if you are consistent you will create a habit of napping in his cot for that first nap. Mine couldn't take his first nap out of his cot, but his second he couldn't take in his cot (we did car naps for second nap of the day due to our family commitments). You might actually decide you quite like him having his second nap in the buggy as it means you can get out and about, again it's about habit forming.

Stay strong. Keep moving forward with your sleep training plan, one little step at a time, keep looking out for yourself too.  If it gets unbearable just find any way of holding/reassuring/APing him to get you through the day and start afresh the next.

[thegirlwho]

We had a much better day today - and night last night! My husband did a dream feed (he woke up though!) at 12 and he slept until 4:40am!

This morning he slept in his cot with minimal fuss and did a whole 45 minute cycle with me only patting him a few times. He had a good 1.5hr sleep in the buggy and a 45 minute nap in the car seat. We didn't have much luck with his catnap at 5pm but we can work on that.

He's gone down very easily this evening, still putting him in his cot almost asleep and he needed a few pats and that was all. He struggled at the 45 minute mark and my DH had to pick him up and start again but it was a quick process :-)

So the way I see it, I have 2 hurdles still to face, and I don't know which to tackle first.

1. Getting past that 45 minute mark
2. Being able to put him down when he's slightly more awake.

Which would you suggest we look at first?

I've done lots of reading today about spirited babies and baby sleep cycles so I feel better informed. We will keep going :-)

[creations]

Sounds like great progress You sound happier and more energised as a result too - great!

I don't think your 2 hurdles are things to necessarily be tackled separately.  Being put down slightly more awake will help him learn he is ok to lay down and nod off to dream land whilst in his own cot and this will help him to learn to feel secure during a sleep transition from one cycle to the next - he will be confident to go back to sleep in his cot rather than needing to be picked up and put back down again so really this also helps him with the other 'hurdle' getting past the 45 min mark.

If you are not already doing so I recommend telling him when you are putting him down, so continue with the patting but interrupt your shush to tell him what is happening, it's always nice to know what's going on rather than being 'conned' into the cot.  "I'm going to put you in your bed so you can sleep properly" YK this makes his bed a good thing rather than a bad thing that you have to sneak him into. I used to say this to my LO and if he had already (accidentally) nodded off I'd say it quite loud to be sure he heard me, I even liked him to stir a little so he really knew he was being put down and left alone so it wouldn't come as a nasty shock when he woke.  When I left the room I said (which I think Tracy also said to her babies) something like "night night, call if you need me", it is a promise and reassurance of your return.
If you say these key phrases even if he has already nodded off or is on the verge he will still hear you and these phrases become a source of verbal reassurance when he is going into his bed more awake (still drowsy and ready for sleep).  Otherwise the process of getting him in the cot more awake is just to do it...it's your job to keep moving the plan forward one step at a time, he may be a little resistant but you are still there to reassure him.

You can also try a W2S for the 45 min transition
How do I address habitual wakings? (wake-to-sleep and other methods)
see the naps section option 1.  Again i would suggest working on just the first nap as it can be quite tiring for you to spend a long time shush/patting through the transition.