Nipping it in the bud: Separation Anxiety

[riuliani]

I believe our 8 month old is beginning to have separation anxiety when we put him to sleep.  It is not happening for all sleep times yet, so I might be able to catch it before it becomes too late.  He definitely opens his eyes to make sure I am still there.  We are having nightwakings as well that may be related.  Sometimes all I have to do is walk back in the room and he puts his head down for sleep.  If I don't stay there for a while he wakes to check for me and then will start crying if I am gone.  Other times I have to stand over the crib with my hand on him or sing to him. 

I am just looking for some advice on how to keep this from becoming a big problem.  He doesn't seem to do it when DH puts him to bed.  Last week he was really sick and would only sleep with me.  He couldn't sleep on his own.  I think that is how it all started.

[riuliani]

Last night was an absolute disaster.  By 6am I was in tears.  I just couldn't handle it any more.  I was becoming hostage in his room.  It hasn't been that bad before.

Unfortunately, sleeping on the floor won't work as he won't be able to see me.  We have had to put the bumper pads back in.  He has a nasty habit of sticking both legs through the crib slats and then rolling over.  Then he is stuck and in pain as he is all twisted up.  I was terrified he would dislocate a hip or knee.

Last night I got into the crib with him at around 5am.  I have had to do this once or twice before a long time back.  However, I am not sure that is the best way to handle this situation.  I think it will probably make it worse.  Plus, I can't spend the whole night in the crib.

Tonight I am going to have DH do the bedtime routine and maybe the nightwakings.  He doesn't work tomorrow.  Maybe if I keep myself out of the bedtime picture DS won't always be expecting me to show up.

Part of the problem is he still hates waking up on his stomach.  He sleeps on his stomach fine but if he wakes up when he is on his stomach all hell breaks loose.  This has been going on for several weeks.  We have tried to soothe him on his stomach etc. but he just can't seem to get over it.  Yet, when he is starting to drift off the first thing he does is roll to his tummy to get more comfortable.  I can't figure that one out.

BTW the crib is right next to the door, so Tracy's idea of slowly moving myself out of the room over several nights won't work either.  All I need to do is take one step and I am gone.  That's why I thought I would post to see if there were any other methods.

[momofclaire]

Are we sure it is SA?  I know you have another post going but can you post your daytime sch here?

You could do pu/pd but I think we should explore other options first. 

I am sorry you are having such a rough time.  It will get better.

[momofclaire]

I was mistaken you don't have another post going. Sorry

[riuliani]

I am pretty sure it is SA.  Our routine is below.  Since he was sick last week he is just getting back into it smoothly.  Always takes about a week to recover. 

8am wake and BF
9am Solids
10:30am nap (we try for 1.5 hours but frequently only get 1 hour)
noon Bottle or BF
1pm solids
2:30/3pm nap (depends how long his first nap is as to what time he goes down for his second)
4pm Bottle
6pm solids
7-7:30pm bedtime windown (bath if it is bath night, brush teeth, lotion, sleeper, story then a bottle)
7:45pm in his crib no later than 7:45pm he can't handle any more A time, he tops out at 3.5 hours at the end of day

[momofclaire]

Could you sit in a chair by his bed? 
Believe me you aren't the only one to ever get in their childs crib  
Can he not get from him stomach to his bach yet?  If not I would make sure I let him practice that as much as possible during the day.
Do you think introducing a lovie of some sort may help? 

[riuliani]

Momofclaire - I took your suggestion and tried the chair by his bed for his morning nap.  We started to go down for his nap at 10:30am as per usual.  He had been sucking his fingers for a while which is usually a good sleep cue.  However, it was 11:30am before he actually fell asleep.  Then he woke at noon.  I left the chair about 5 minutes after he fell asleep.  How long should I stick around?  He doesn't seem to have a set time that he is waking.  It just seems if he wakes at anytime he might be expecting me to be there.  I think he was overtired for this morning's nap due to his nighttime antics.  I may have missed the sleep window.  That would also explain the brevity of the nap.

He has been a rolling machine since 3 months.  Actually he was very early to roll both ways.  He conquered the harder one first.  In fact, he is reluctant to try the crawling since he is so efficient at rolling his way around the house.  This is why I can't understand him getting so upset when he wakes on his tummy.  It is like he forgets he can get back on his own.

We introduced a cuddly at about 3 months when we weaned him from the soothie.  He has never really grown attached to it.  It is in his crib at every sleep time.  He looks for it if it is missing but he doesn't really snuggle to it or anything.  In fact he really isn't attached to much of anything except me.  Even then he is fine to go with anyone while he is awake.  We haven't really had any waking SA yet.  If we are home alone and I leave the room he will cry out but only if he notices.  He doesn't keep tabs on me yet.

It is all very perplexing.  I am pretty sure he is experiencing SA.  I don't think I am misjudging but you never know with these babies  .

[momofclaire]

So would you say the chair thing went well?  What was going on during that hour? 
Is it possibe that he isn't ready to go down for that first nap. Babies his age have awake times of 3-4 hours. This is an est but maybe if you try to put him down a little later he wouldn't fight it so much?  Just a thought. 
To help SA I would play peekaboo a lot during the day.  Walk around a corner and then pop back in.  All that will help him learn that you will leave and come back.  SA can rear its head only at night.

[riuliani]

I am undecided as to whether the chair idea went well.  He thrashed about and cried for the most part of the hour before he fell asleep.  This was the first time he has fought the morning nap.  Usually 10:30 is the perfect time.  Up until two weeks ago 10am was the good time.  Our second nap today went well.  He did cry a little but I was able to leave the room and he sorted himself within minutes.  Then he napped for 2 hours.  He woke once but put himself back to sleep.  At least I know he does have the ability to self soothe.

Until today we really didn't have much problem with the naps.  It really has been the nighttime that when we have issues.  I will let DH have a try tonight and see how it goes.

[momofclaire]

Overtired babies tend to not sleep well day or night. If he's up a  lot a night he's tired and thus the cycle starts.  Maybe today was a fluke nap thing.  I would stick with your normal sch unless he keeps having trouble with that first nap.  When he is crying do you just sit in the chair or do you pick him up? If he's really worked up I would pick him up till he calms and then put him back down and then sit in the chair. 

[riuliani]

When he is crying I try to soothe him in the crib.  He is not so conducive to the PU part of PU/PD.  He is a thrasher and I don't want to fight him.  He arches and throws his head back most of the time we pick him up.  Right now he seems to want me to stand over the crib with my hands on him and sing Twinkle Twinkle.  This works to calm him but as soon as I remove my hands he starts looking for me.  Every once in a while the singing is enough by itself.  I am only 5 feet tall, so it gets very awkward to lean into the crib to keep my hands on him.  I tend to lose feeling in my arms sometimes.  The sacrifices we make for our kids  . 

Is it possible I am becoming a prop?  He sucks his fingers to soothe himself but obviously this isn't enough over the past few days.  How can I determine whether it is SA or me becoming a prop?

[momofclaire]

I have often had blue hands from having then hang over the side of the crib   
If you pull the chair over to the crib and just put on hand on him through the slot would that work?  I am not sure how to tell the difference between SA and you being a prop.  If it is SA that appears only at night then it would look a lot like a prop.  I am going to have  Jessica come take a look and see if she has any insight on that. 

[Loube]

This may sound silly   but what about a tape of you singing, whispering sweet nothings, reading a fav story etc? Do you have a piece of muslin or something you could have on your shoulder for each feed and sleepy time that could be left with him at night? I'm not at the SA stage myself but certainly dreading it!

Good luck.

[Colin Macs Mom]

riuliani, I think what you have going on here is more of a prop problem than SA. He's rather young for SA yet, and I think that you've become a prop which then looks like SA. Does that make sense? If it were SA you would also see it during the daytime and it doesn't sound like you are.

I think that the best course of action for you is PU/PD and/or Gental Removal.

[riuliani]

I might trying wearing his cuddly during the day to see if having my scent near him might help.

Last night DH handled everything and it all went very well.  DS only woke twice.  The first time it took DH 30 seconds to get him back to sleep.  The second time it was about 5 minutes.  I realize it was only one night of testing but it seems to support the theory that I am the issue.

I could try the tape of my voice.  He already listens to a cd to go to sleep.  Although he seems more attached to my touch than my voice.  Don't blame him...I am tone deaf  . 

Jessica - What would a gentle removal plan look like for this type of prop removal?  We tried it for the soother removal.  In the end we went cold turkey for that.  He doesn't like to adjust to things gradually.  He does better if we just jump right in.  This has been the same for increasing his EASY routine.  We just had to jump straight to 4 hours.  He got too out of whack when we slowly increased it from 3 - 3.5 etc.  Unfortunately, he is one of these babies that PU doesn't work so well.  He really thrashes and arches his back when you pick him up.  It is too hard to hold him without risking dropping him.  Of course this isn't all the time but a good portion of the time.  We do our best to soothe him in the crib instead.  Any other thoughts to modify it would be welcome.  He does a lot of kicking in the crib if he is upset.  When I help to hold his legs down he calms down faster.  It is like he loses control of his limbs when he is upset and needs our help.  He used to love being swaddled but outgrew it at about 6.5 months.  He just decide one day he didn't want it anymore.  Again no gradula removal.  Just cold turkey.  Anyway as you can see he has always been a baby that likes a snuggled feeling when going to sleep.  Just like his mom  .