Hello,
I've read the FAQ on SA in toddlers and it all sounds like really sensible and good advice but then when I try to apply it to bedtime with my 13mo I am unsure whether I am providing enough/too much reassurance or if I am developing a bad habit.
I went back to work at the start of September (about 2.5 months ago), 3 days/week, and over the last month DD has become increasingly attached/clingy to me - I think she is very worried about me leaving her. For example, she does not like it when I pass her to DH (but is fine if she chooses to go to him and he picks her up) and gets upset when I go to have a shower in the morning. Oddly, she is fine when I actually leave the house in the morning and waves me off quite cheerily.
Anyway, at bedtime she goes down fine for DH (he does the bedtime routine, ending with a story and sings twinkle twinkle little star, puts her down in her cot, leaves the room and that's it, she falls asleep quietly on her own). However, when I put her down, she starts whining. I leave her for a bit but when it escalates (usually after a minute or so) I go back in, lie her down (she is almost always standing), put a hand on her legs and say 'sleepy time, mummy loves you'. This pretty much always quietens her straight away and I leave the room immediately (or within 10 seconds max if she takes a few secs to stop whining/crying). However, she starts whining again almost immediately so we repeat the whole thing (I wait a bit, wi, pd, wo..). This usually happens several times before, after about 15-20 mins, she is quiet and falls asleep. I am finding it really frustrating, especially when I know how well she goes down for DH!
Really, my question is, do you think I am allowing her to manipulate me by responding too soon to her 'whines'? She doesn't do this to anyone else (but then, she wasn't 'attached' to anyone else like she was to me before I went back to work). Or, on the other hand, should I respond sooner to her whines, before they escalate? She is clearly worried at the moment about me leaving her so I want to reassure her but at the same time I don't want her learning to manipulate me.
I'm finding it really hard to figure out how much comfort is enough and how much is too much. I don't want to make things worse by not providing enough reassurance.
Is it OK to go in to her more often (i.e. when she has been whining for a while but not actually crying) provided I just wi, pd, wo and don't hang around, or should I try letting her whine/cry a little longer to see if she settles herself? I guess I only let her whine/cry for around 2 mins max before I go in. It feels like ages when I'm waiting outside her room but does this sound like too long/not long enough to you?
Thanks for reading this (I know I get a tad waffly and repetitive when asking a qn - sorry!)
Any advice, or just btdt reassurance that I'm doing the right thing and that things will improve would really be appreciated!
TIA