ACTIVITY => Activity Time & Toddler Activity => Topic started by: choc on October 01, 2016, 08:34:16 am

Title: Can't take much more.
Post by: choc on October 01, 2016, 08:34:16 am
Didn't know which board to post this on but I really need help. My 12 month old has been clingy now for a few months and I'm at the end of my tether. He follows me round constantly screaming trying to climb up my leg. He used to happily play on his own for a little while. Trying to get washed and dressed in the morning is absolute hell. He screams and screams and tries to climb up my legs. I set him up with 100 different activities/toys/random objects etc. I've even tried TV. As soon as I move away he's after me screaming. I can't go to the loo, pop to the kitchen or anything. I have to make the dinner with my one left arm and hold him in the other (I make as much of the meal as I can during nap time) and he is 99 centile baby so bloody heavy and my arm is now painful.
I try to play with him lots but he gets bored quickly and I go through every toy and game and song etc I can think of giving 100%enthusiasm and energy and then I'm exhausted after half an hour, try to stop for a minute and the screaming starts again.
I'm not enjoying him, I'm not enjoying being with him. I feel terribly about it. Im so tired as he is waking early, we are in the 2:1. He is tired because of  2:1 shenanigans. I think he's teething too. I know all of this doesn't help but I just feel like crying all the time, I'm so worn down by it. I should say that he goes to nursery and doesn't cry or even bat an eye lid when I drop him off! No problems with that separation, just at home if I dare to put him down.  :'(
Any one have words of support?!
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: Shiv52 on October 01, 2016, 08:43:12 am
Hugs xxx

Sounds so draining. Personally what I would do is just accept he wants to be with you. So if you're going to the loo say 'mummy is going for a wee. Are you coming or staying here?' Same with popping to the kitchen or whatever. If he sees you're not trying to move away he may well relax. But also this approach stops all that whiny and crying.

I remember feeling so trapped and saying to my DH he was lucky he could pee in peace.

In the kitChen Id be inclined to pull out recycling or whatever and just get on with cooking saying 'mummy will lift you in a minute' and just reassure. It's fine for him to be upset but you're right there so you can just reassure 'yes I hear you, two minutes'.

Have to run to collect from dancing but ill be back. Sometimes just accepting he wants to trail you changes the mindset and makes it easier all round.
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: MJ&N on October 01, 2016, 09:25:38 am
Hugs, we are in the same boat right now! I've just bought a Scootababy sling (designed for hip carries) so if he wants to be with me constantly, at least I can hold him comfortably.

It's bloomin hard! I will definitely be going back to work for a rest!!
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: choc on October 01, 2016, 09:34:49 am
Thanks for the support girls.
I do try to remember to tell him I am leaving the room, but will definitely be more consistent with that and reassuring him etc thanks for that advice. I will try to be more accepting!
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: choc on October 15, 2016, 08:53:33 am
Any more advice on this? It's getting no better and really getting me down. I have accepted he wants to be with me and have no problem with him following me everywhere and being at my feet the whole time, but he doesn't want that. He just cries and screams to be actually held. It's so stressful. I let him crawl round the bathroom when I'm on the loo and he tries to climb in my lap. I have given him the recycling to empty and every safe utensil to play with while I'm doing dinner but he doesn't want any of that. He just wants me to pick him up. I always reassure him I'm going out the room and I'll be back in a min and he can come to if he wants but he then follows me screaming to be held. Every minute  I am not cooking or on the loo I try to play with him. I'm exhausted!
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: anna* on October 15, 2016, 09:28:56 am
The way I see this is, either you need to get a sling and wear the baby until this phase is past, or accept that there will be a lot of screaming and fuss until this phase is past. Neither way is easy so it's up to you to decide which you prefer. You can't give all your attention to him constantly. Reassure him that you are nearby and get in with what you need to do. His mummy cup is filled (independent play is important too), he is not hungry or in pain, this about him not getting to be carried which (I'm repeating myself now ;) you either are (with a sling, or aren't going to do. We mums get a physical stress response to our babies crying, so listening to music on earbuds, or using earplugs, will help you keep your cool. As you've said the current situation isn't working for either of you so it's time to change your response and be pretty consistent with it.
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: choc on October 15, 2016, 10:14:00 am
Thanks Anna. I think I will try the no sling option. Would you advise just not carrying him when I really need to, eg cooking and toilet or would you suggest trying not to carry him at other times too? Probably a silly question, just keep worrying that I am damaging him! Stupid I know.
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: MJ&N on October 15, 2016, 10:17:35 am
I'm making some progress. Still carrying him a lot, sling and arms, but also trying to:

Give him a reason to leave me. I got a push along car in from outside that he's having fun with.
Leave SLOWLY and come back quickly, trying to build up his confidence
Lots of snacks whilst I'm cooking!!
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: choc on October 15, 2016, 10:31:11 am
Yes snacks work here to, sometimes give me enough time to go to the loo!
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: Katet on October 15, 2016, 11:01:44 am
Is he better if you are outside. I know with my DS1 playing with him didn't really keep him happy, if he wasn't on my lap he wanted to be outside & honestly he was so much easier to handle outside.
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: choc on October 15, 2016, 11:45:42 am
Yes he does like outside and we do go outside quite a bit but he tries to put everything in his mouth so I get fed up with it after a while! I spend the  whole time taking him away from stones/sticks /rubbish! We go for lots of walks in buggy though.
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: We Three on October 15, 2016, 12:24:59 pm
 At this age my dd knew the phrase "I'll be riiiiight back".   She had terrible SA if I was out of her sight (thankfully, a phase that lasted only about 2 weeks).  So I'd use the phrase like peek-a-boo.....popping just beyond the doorway, with one finger up and "I'll be riiiight back"  and then being out of sight for literally 2 seconds (BEFORE she got upset!) and then pop back in and say "I'm back!"  In short order she really got it, and when I'd return she'd say "Back".    :)  I think it's important too to use your whole body, in other words he needs to see that all of you can go away (rather than just your face as in a regular peek-a-boo game) and all of you always returns. Stick with 2 seconds for a few days, then build up to more, only increasing by a second or two. It's important to return before he gets upset.   This game is best to start when he's content and you're with him during floor time. 

  I think it's key here to use "I will pick you up in one minute, but first I have to do my work....(emphasize the word work).  And then Ok....that part is done! I can pick you up!"  Then ' stay right here, I need to do this work".   I'd avoid words like "Can't"  or "No".    More like "You stay right here near me....I just have to do this work." 

 Outside is great....does he have his own little push cart? That could encourage him to stray from you. 
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: choc on October 15, 2016, 12:42:43 pm
When we are in the same room he is ok to be doing his own thing sometimes for a little while and in the garden he happily goes off and does his own thing. He doesn't get upset when I drop him at nursery either. I do reassure him all the time and explain I will pick him up when I am done doing so and so. It makes no difference at the moment. I take him with me sometimes to the kitchen then pop him down by my feet and he starts going into meltdown. Is that SA? I don't know as he isn't away from me and isn't bothered about going to nursery.
I will try the tips though thanks. 
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: Hedgehog17 on October 16, 2016, 08:33:19 am
Could it be that he wants to see the world from higher up?

He doesn't sound like a baby with SA at all, he just wants to be held up high!

Either a baby carrier or popping him into a high chair may help? I would perch DS on the kitchen worktop (with a hand on him) sometimes, or just sit him anywhere up high so he could look at things from that perspective sometimes  ;D DH didn't think it was safe, but I always held onto DS  :)

I think they do get fed up with being on the floor all the time!
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: choc on October 16, 2016, 09:45:59 am
That does sound more like it. I don't think it sounds like Sa either. I will try the high chair and keeping him up when I can.  He does spend all day trying to get on the (large) windowsill  too!
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: We Three on October 16, 2016, 13:12:12 pm
^^ That's a really good idea!  Maybe the highchair with some cups and fun things will help!
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: anna* on October 16, 2016, 13:14:50 pm
Once he is standing you can also get something like a step stool that has 'walls' around the top so he can't topple off!
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: choc on October 16, 2016, 14:05:30 pm
I'll have a look out for one, great idea!
Title: Re: Can't take much more.
Post by: tathi-b on December 24, 2016, 16:52:38 pm
We went through something similar and for weeks I got nothing done! It felt like I couldn't be apart from her! In the end instead of lifting my daughter I'd sit on the floor with her for a minute or so. At the beginning as I sat she would cry and be upset, so I'd just say "come and sit with Mama", slowly her requests for my attention got a little less and less and after what felt like an eternity just the other day she started playing on her own for a few minutes!