How long before they get used to daycare?

[GabrielleD]

Hi Ladies,

I am sorry I haven't been around for a while. I really need help and reassurance that I am in fact doing the right thing for DS. DS is EXTREMELY SHY and so far the only people who have watched him when DH and I are not home have been his two grandmothers. When one of them watches him, he usually cries a little when we go out the door but soon calms down and is fine with them for the rest of the time. Well, I am planning on going back to work and want to put him in daycare since his grandmothers are relatively far away and wouldn't be available to watch him. I picked a day care center in the neighborhood, met the teachers, and liked what I saw. DS has been going to the center every day since Tuesday. He went for the full day on Tuesday, then his teachers asked that I only take him for a half day (the morning) until he gets used to it. The problem is that it's now Friday, and I don't see any improvement. He cries when I pack his lunch box, he cries in the morning, and occasionally cries at daycare. And he's had diarrhea for this entire week because he is so stressed. I don't know what to do to make this easier for him. Questions:
1. How long before I see an improvement?
2. Did I make a mistake about sending him to daycare? Should I wait until he is older?
3. Did I make a mistake about sending him to a daycare center as opposed to a family day care provider? (I guess a family provider would have fewer kids, but do they also have a curriculum or do they just put them in front of the TV all day?)
4. What can I do to make this easier for him?
Thank you so much for any suggestions!!

[daniellechiasson]

Aww Gabrielle, I'm sorry to you're both struggling with daycare. It's so painful, on both of you.

My DD just started daycare last week, she did two days at one home which turned out to be a disaster and I was able to get her into a new one a week ago Friday. She still cries when I am getting her ready to go, sometimes even struggles to get into her carseat, will then struggle to get her out of the carseat, cries and carries on all the way to the door, gets even more heated when she's handled over to the caregiver BUT by the time we're down the driveway she's off playing and having fun.

I really just try to reassure her that she'll have fun there, that Mommy and Daddy will come back for her at the end of the day and that it's ok to be sad we won't be with her the entire day.

There is such an adjustment period for these LOs but he will adjust, Gaby is adjusting pretty good as far as I'm concerned and that still means she has trantrums (but both the caregiver and I are fine with that). Given that Ethan is very shy I would expect it will take him a few weeks to get to a nice comfort level.

I also wanted to put Gaby into a centre but wasn't able to, this second home is working out great because the daymom can give her a fair amount of love/attention IF she needs it. I know the home Gaby goes to doesn't have a curriculum but I'm ok with that, perhaps it just means we start preschool at 3 instead. I honestly believe you can find homecare where they TV isn't on all day. At the home Gaby goes to, the entire basement is done up for the kids, this is where they spend their day (as well as outside), there is no TV down there but there is tons of books, toys, music instruments, doll houses, ride on cars, etc.

I would just continue to talk to him about daycare, make it out to be not such a scarey place. Perhaps get to know the names of a few of the kids he will be there with, Gaby loves to talk about the kids she will play with, etc. Really try to keep it upbeat and positive.

Good luck, I'm right here with you going through this transition. As long as the daycare is on side with him helping him through this new adventure, he'll get there.

Danielle

[Dree]

It took my Sofia about 2 weeks to get used to everyone and a new routine. They used my routine more or less and it has gotten better. They are so good with her. She has been in daycare since July and is presently 16mths old.

I won't lie, she does have her moments but it is much better now. It is a transition and with all transitions everyone needs time to adjust...including mama...My dh takes her to day care after he drops me off at the train station. I am glad that he does it because I do not have the heart to drop her off. So in a way it is good that I start work at 7am...

Good Luck
Dree 

[GabrielleD]

Dree and Danielle,

Thank you so much for answering so quickly!! You don't know what your replies mean to me!  I hope the transition will go well for all of our LOs. Danielle, you mentioned that the first two days of day care at one provider were a disaster - what was wrong? I am trying to figure out if I need to find another place, maybe?

[Dree]

Choosing a daycare center in my opinion is the best way to go. They have a few daycare workers there to help out. 4 women I think. I tried home daycare. The place was a mess and I saw kids of all ages there. They did not give her the paci to nap and she looked exhausted when I picked her up. They lied about her sleeping. I know my dd. She cried in the car on the way home and I had to put her to bed super early because she did not nap at all there.

My dd is now with children her own age, in an organized privately owned day care facility. They are all under 2yrs old. She has friends. They give me daily reports on her day. I feel good about this place. My dh watches her when they are outside before he picks her up and he sees her laughing and playing. I love hearing about this when he picks me up from the train station. It makes my day. I can look in my dd's eyes and know she slept. mommy's intuition will help guide you. You will know in your heart if you need to change day cares....

Dree 

[JennŠ]

Mine transitoned to a new room in July.  Much wailing at drop off for the first 2 weeks.  Now our problem is mama forgot to warn her ahead of time that she was leaving with daddy and the tv was going off.     Bad me!!  Telling these littles what's going to happen next can help a lot.  Good to see you!!

[daniellechiasson]

The trouble with the 1st dayhome was that the daymom wasn't willing to help Gaby transition. She pretty much wanted DD to be a 'good girl' and just follow along with their routine. From my observations she didn't try to distract her, comfort her, etc. The dayhome she's in now is totally the opposite, she will cuddle her, distract her, whatever she needs to settle down. It hardly takes Gaby any time now to stop crying and I'm sure it's because she feels love from the daymom.

I agree with Jenn, preparation for change is very key.

It's heartbreaking eh?! But they do adjust with help. Let us know how it's going.

Danielle

[GabrielleD]

Thanks very much to all of you for all the great advice!! Now we just have to get through Monday morning!!

[GabrielleD]

Ladies,

We just bought the book "The Kissing Hand". DS loves books and I am hoping that this will help to make the transition a little easier. We'll see. I am so not looking forward to Monday morning after "no school" for two days.

[happy hollow]

Before becoming a mom, I had my own daycare in my home for 5 years, and worked at a larger centerfor 5 years before that.  The transition period is soooo hard, and I cannot imagine what you are going through.  I actually found it easier to get children acclimatized at my own daycare, as they were with me everyday (whereas, at a larger center they might be with one or two different teachers, and often the rules tend to be a little stricter).  I found that the quicker you can do drop-off the better.  It gives the childcare provider time to pick up the pieces once you are out the door, and just prolongs the agony for the child if mom or dad stays around too long.  Always say good-bye, tell them you love them and that you'll be back soon.  Bringing a special toy is always a good idea.  If you have time at the end of the day to hang out with your child at the daycare, I found that helped the child realize that it was a safe place.  You also have to make sure you have the right fit.  Your childcare provider needs to make you feel as comfortable as they possibly can, and you need to give them as much information about your child (no matter how trivial it may seem).  Have them make a favorite meal of your child's or play your child's favorite game.  I know I was always willing to bend over backwards for my new kids in their first couple of weeks to make them feel safe and secure.  After that, it is much easier for them to get used to all the new rules!  Hope this helps!

[daniellechiasson]

How's it go Gabrielle?

[GabrielleD]

Danielle,

Thanks for asking. It seems to be going a little better each day. This morning he actually walked out the door without crying, and didn't cry in the car on the way over, and only started whinging a little when we walked into the center. The teachers also confirmed that it seems to be getting a little better each day. The playground seems to be a problem - he stands in a corner and cries. I don't know whether it's the fact that there are a bunch of energetic kids running around, or the fact (this is his teacher's suspicion) that you can see the parking lot from the playground and he keeps expecting my car to be there ready to pick him up. But once they are inside it seems to be better.

How is Gaby doing with the adjustment?

[mari]

I run a home daycare and have had some kids who settle straight away and others that need a little time.  It does get easier, but sometimes they have a little setback even after having been there a while.  This has happened to a little girl I have had since June, she has suddenly taken to crying when she arrives, but it only lasts a minute or two.  it's the actual seperation, she is fine after a cuddle.

I put Nathan in a preschool and he cried for weeks and weeks, but it was the best thing I did I think.  it really brought him out and it made starting school so much easier.

I couldn't help but laugh at your question Nmber 3.

3. Did I make a mistake about sending him to a daycare center as opposed to a family day care provider? (I guess a family provider would have fewer kids, but do they also have a curriculum or do they just put them in front of the TV all day?)

No, as much as that would be so much easier, it doesn't happen, honestly.  I know plenty of childminders and we are busy all the time.  Believe me!

For anyone concerned about this I would urge you to ask your childcare provider to write a short summary of the day that your LO has spent with them.  I do this (when I have time!) and it is not only reassuring, it gives the parents and child something to talk about in the evening.

HTH

[daniellechiasson]

Hi Gabrielle,

Glad to hear he's getting better each day. Thanks for asking about Gaby. She is doing good for the most part. On Wednesday she didn't cry at all, not even when being dropped off!! Today was a different story but she didn't have a very good sleep and had woken crabby, so I will give her a break this once.

I'm sure your DS will adjust and be right into the playground in awhile. For some it's very overwhelming, those outside voices can get very loud.

Mari, I was also wondering about a summary of their day, half the time I don't even know what she ate for lunch. I'm torn about asking for something like that because I would rather she spent the time playing with Gaby than working on a list for me, ykwim. I guess I could make up a list of questions that she could quickly jot notes on like, 'what was for lunch, length of nap, discipline issues, activities'.

Danielle

[mari]

Danielle, what I do is make a summary as follows:

Toilet
Sleep
Food
Activity.

I tell the parents that I will do what I can to provide as much information as possible but obviously there are days when I can't do it as I am far too busy.  I usually jot it down quickly sometime towards the end of the day, usually when they are having dessert (I skip desset, good aren't I!)
It is very brief.  I try to mention important things like when they poo, whether I needed to apply nappy cream etc, what they have eaten and what time and when they sleep and for how long.  If I am unable to write it down I always tell them about food and sleep. 
I also try to mention anything else that might be relevant ie behaviour, an achievement (although I am careful about certain milestones, don't want to upset mum by saying her dd took her first steps and she wasnt' there to share the moment!) and a brief summary of what we did during the day, Like watch TV etc (only joking!)
If yo don't get a list and you really want to know then I would ask.  You could make a list of questions though and ask them to fill in what they can.  It doesn't take too long honestly, they do play independantly some of the time so there are chances to do things like that.

Mari