Please help me- not coping with short/no naps - 6 week old

[sezzab]

Hi there

I have a 6 week old baby girl who has had a rough time with reflux.  We are finally getting it under control with meds, so thankfully she isn't in pain all day any more.

My problem is that she has got so used to us carrying her around, rocking her and falling asleep on us that she doesn't know how to go to sleep by herself.  When I finally get her to sleep she is waking after only 1 sleep cycle (i.e. 30 - 45 mins) and is ending up sooooo overtired it is then taking up to an hour and a half to get her back to sleep - for another short burst.

I know I need to sleep train her, and have got the concept of shhhh pat, BUT I have a 2 year old as well.  At the moment I just can't see how I am going to give sleep training the time it needs whilst also looking after my toddler.

I am desperate to get these sleeps sorted so I can give my other daughter some kind of attention - I feel so badly for her that not only has she got to deal with a new sibling, but one who has screamed constantly for the last month and has been carried around on mum all the time.

I am on antidepressants and my husband tells me I have to pull myself together.  I can't bear the thought of letting my wee one cry herself to sleep.  What do I do? ANd how do I extend her short naps??

Desperate for some advise and help.

Sarah

[LizzieN]

Sarah,

Huge hugs to you and well done for getting help for the reflux sweetie, I know it's bloody hard!!!  Firstly you don't need to "pull yourself together", it's hard and you are having issues coping...we have a refluxer and I STILL go through patches where I don't cope, it is a whole different experience!!

OK, firstly if you don't have one I would invest in a sling or baby bjorn or something like that...we found our really good for our little refluxer.  Seriously we would go for a pram walk then DH would spend the whole time carrying Dyllan and I would wheel the pram....We just COULD NOT put him down.  If we were holding him, we couldn't sit down or he would start crying again....they just hurt so much, the poor little things.

I would imagine you have wedged the bed up and things like that?  Feed well before naps and give your LO a very good burping, reflux babies have SO much wind and it can take hours to get it out of them.  We also suffered with short naps, usually about 20 minutes, or he would be asleep in our arms but the minute we put him down semi-flat he would wake screaming again...I got to the point where I was shaking worrying about how I was going to settle him the next time as soon as he woke up.....

I know how you feel and I'm sending huge huge hugs to you.

What meds is your LO on now?

Ok as to your other daughter, it is hard sweetie, but they understand a LOT more than you realise. My step daughter has been absolutely AMAZING with Dyllan and very understanding.  Admittedly my DH has done a lot with her to free up my time, but she has been very understanding too!!!  Why don't you ask DH to look after your LO for an hour a week so you and your older daughter can go and do something together without bub?  Maybe just a walk to the park or library, or a little trip to the shops to get an ice cream together???  Let her know that you are so proud of how she loves her little sister and you know it's hard because bub is taking a lot of time, explain to her about bubs condition and that it will be getting better soon....etc  Talking to her will help you and it will help her, even if she doesn't understand all of it, including her will help her to feel a part of the situation

I didn't sleep train my bub until he was 11 months old (we didn't medicate until 10 months, huge mistake) so I get the limited YOU time....the way I would start is to shush pat your DD in your arms until she is asleep or nearly asleep...place her into the cot (warm with a hot water bottle first if it's cold where you are) and either put firm pressure on her shoulder and hip (lie on the side if you are comfortable doing that) with your hands, so she knows you are still there, shush pat if it comforts her more......Keep doing this each time, but gradually put her in the cot earlier and earlier, so she is going down semi awake.  If she wakes at 30 mins, go in as soon as you can (don't wait....well I found with our LO if I waited I would have NO chance of getting him back to sleep as soon as he got wound up the reflux would get really bad) and pick her up, give her a back rub and try again.  If it doesn't work put her in the sling and try again next time....

Your bubs sleep cycles will extend naturally as she gets older and so the wakes will be further apart.  Does she sleep in the car seat?  If you are having a bad nap day, take all of you out, bub may have a rest in the car and it means you and older DD can get out of the house and get some fresh air all together...

Hugs to you sweetheart, I feel for you, this will get better...hang in there and chat any time you need to, I'm here
xx Lizzie

[sezzab]

Hi Lizzie

You sound like such a lovely lady - and you soooo know what I am going through.  I have got a baby bjorn and guess I just have to resign myself to the fact that she might have to spend lots of time on me for the time being.

She was on ranitidine but now has been on Omeprazole for the last week, which finally seems to be making a difference.  I think I am probably expecting too much from her as the medication is only really just working so she will still be in pain the poor wee thing, and that is what is waking her. Just like you - she is happy if she is in our arms vertical, but the moment we put her semi flat she wakes.  It is such a process to get her in her bed for what ends up being a short nap anyhow, that the trying to get her to bed is probably what is soo exhausting.  What I probably need to do is stop trying to fixate on getting her in her bed at the moment and just work on her actually getting sleep.  Reflux and OT together are more than any mum should have to deal with! :-).  You just get to a point where you are so anxious about putting her down, and then sooo anxious about when she will wake that it becomes a vicious circle.

It is just really hard to accept sometimes that this is where you are at and for the time being I am just going to have to do whatever it takes, with one eye on trying to do what I can for sleep training when I know the reflux is under control.

It is so nice having someone understand what I am going on about.  People keep telling me I need to leave her to cry it out - they just don't get it.  Who can leave the little baby they love screaming in pain. Reflux is just so cruel.

I am trying to spend as much quality time with my DD1 as I can , and make sure I still read the bed time stories and night and have lots of cuddles.  I hope that even though this is hard on her now it will make her more understanding and empathetic when she grows up. 

I will let you know how I get on over the coming weeks.  I hope you don't mind me venting...sometimes just getting it out makes you feel so much better.

Sarah

[LizzieN]

Sweetheart you aren't venting at all, you are just explaining your situation and it sounds to me like you are doing a WONDERFUL job!!! Honestly, it is really hard....after bubs have been refluxing, even a little acid coming up (which still seems to happen despite the meds) burns already inflamed tissues, so yeah I think it will take a while for it to settle down.  My advice is though, if her naps don't start getting a bit easier, mention it to your doctor, they may have some other ideas to help or the meds may need to be increased (they are weight dependent, so do need re-evaluating every now and then)....hopefully your LO will be reflux free soon

It is hard to accept that when your LO has reflux the "normal" expectations go out the window, and I don't know about you but I felt tremendous guilt that I couldn't sort my LO out, couldn't get him to sleep, couldn't seem to comfort him, couldn't "fix" him....we didn't really get a lot of help either, which is why it's all gone on for SO long....I didn't insist on enough help because I assumed that all babies were full on...took me a long time to realise that what we were dealing with wasn't a crabby touchy baby, but a really nasty condition that we couldn't fix without medication and a lot of follow up appointments!!

I agree that letting your baby cry it out is absolutely ludicrous...in my experience letting our little man cry made him reflux really badly, (still does) and causes him to become hysterical....he is NOT going to fall asleep from that under any circumstance and never would....I wouldn't fall asleep if my oesophagus was on fire either!!!  People who advise that just DO NOT understand reflux or your bub, they aren't being intentionally cruel...CIO can work for some babies some times, but usually ones that are capable of self soothing easily...if your bub is at all touchy, forget it, if your bub has reflux, forget it!!!

Sleep training can happen when your LO is well and you are both ready.  We did ours at 11 months and although it was very very hard and full on, it worked....it doesn't matter when you do it as long as you are consistent (but realistic if your bub is refluxy) when you do decide to go for it....don't worry you aren't teaching your baby bad habits, you are responding to your babies needs and giving her the comfort and support that she needs and that is what is important

Also lovely, don't beat yourself up about not spending that much time with DD1, she does understand sweetie and I'm sure she cherishes the one on one time that you have together....just keep talking to her, praise her when she helps you and when she has been really patient, even treat her now and then for being a wonderful older sister...at the end of the day you are there with her (and DD2), she knows she is loved and cherished and that is what is important....I think we often spend so much time trying to give our kids "quality time" that we don't realise that being there and loving them is the most important thing ever...

Sweetheart I'm not an expert, I'm a terrible mum some days and an ok one other days.  I have had my share of crabby horrible days, crying days, and joyful teary days....I absolutely adore our little man and I think he is an absolute champion for coping with all he has had to deal with   But I am here for you any time you need me and I honestly think you are just doing a wonderful job and you are a fab mum

More hugs to you Sarah
Lizzie

[sezzab]

I have tears in my eyes reading your lovely message.  Big hugs to you too. No matter how hard it is we have to remember how lucky we are to have been blessed with our gorgeous little people.

This too will pass.. as they say.

Sending you lots of good sleep vibes!

Sarah x

[LizzieN]

Yes I completely agree Sarah,
I got to the stage where when ever anyone asked how Dyllan was all I could focus on was his vomiting and I suddenly realised I didn't want to be like that.  We have a gorgeous and wonderful little miracle, that is what you need to focus on.  Not that it isn't hard, really really hard, but as you say we are so so blessed!!!

Thanks for the sleep vibes, hope they kick in soon...may be there is a time delay?? LOL!!!

Sweetie, it has been so nice chatting with you...you hang in there and do whatever you have to do to keep your LO comfortable and yourself sane.  Don't forget to get out and about when you can, have an extra nap when you get your LO down etc....take good care and chat any time you would like

huge hugs and big smiles
Lizzie