Ugh! I want my son back, please!!

[rooser]

My 34 month old formerly textbook, easy-going toddler is suddenly becoming very grumpy, sensitive and easily frightened.  He has always been a real laid back, well-mannered, easy sleepers so much that it often prompted comments/compliments from family, friends and strangers alike. He also has a very vivid imagination and has developed some imaginary friends and monsters in recent months.  The imaginary friends are kind of cute, but the monsters are taking over our house.  They have disrupted his sleep and can now send him running to me and clinging around my neck in the middle of play in the day.  His former sleep routine involved climbing in his bed, I would cover him up, sing You Are My Sunshine, kisses, walk to the door and say "night night, sleep tight, 'see you in the morning light" and then I would shut the door.  That was it.  Houseguests would marvel at how easy this was. He would even shut his own bedroom door if I had somehow forgotten it.  This past month, however, all bets are off.  It started with needing a night light several months back, last month he decided he now wanted the door open, now he won't sleep in his bed unless I am there when he falls asleep or he begs to come into my bed. I have tried night lights, monster spray, playing with shadows (thinking that was what he feared) and even a reward system where he gets a new animal for his toy farm (Thank you Dollar Section at Target) if he goes in his own bed without a fuss and stays there all night. Nothing is working.  I have asked him what he fears and he can never give me a straight answer.  He points to something and I ask "Elmo?" so I remove Elmo. Then he says "that" and I ask "the diaper pail?' so then I remove the diaper pail.  He keeps seeing these monsters that I don't see.  Please help. How can I retrain him and get my son back?  I'd like to do WI/WO but think that maybe I might have to do GW instead because he is so frightened. 

[Mimi 2]

To him the monster are real so I wouldn't dismiss his fears.  Children all goes through this especially when their imagination blossoms.  One thing to do is to acknowledge his fears of them then you can empower him to face these monsters.  Here are some things that will help are:

1.  Play super heroes.  Let him be the super hero that can fight these monsters.  Let him have a flashlight in bed or even a special spray bottle filled with magic water to scare the monster.

2.  Read or invent stories turning the monsters into silly monsters.  

3.  Introduce a new sleeping stuff buddy/animal with special powers. With dd, I made a small lavender pouch for her as the nice smell scared the monster away.  They don't like nice smell. 

I did all three with dd and found them to be very effective.  They didn't solve the monster problem overnight but they did make the monsters less scary.  We played hunting games for monsters and bad shadows during the day.  For some reason I found that doing it right before bed didn't work as much.  If you find that GW works best at this time then definitely do this instead of WI/WO.  Maybe introduce the new stuff animal as an alternative to your presence.  

I know of one mom who bought special super hero PJs (Spiderman) when her son was going through this.  It was really cute as he insisted on wearing it during the day as well.  

HTH

[KathrynK]

I like the ideas about making the monsters less scary. Sophie has never mentioned scary monsters since we watched Monsters Inc. together and she discovered that monsters are actually scared of small children, lol. 

[rooser]

Thanks for the suggestions, ladies.  I will take them all into consideration.  I went to 2 bookstores today, in hopes of a solution and learned what Mimi said about not just dismissing his fears. KathyrnK, I hadn't even thought of Monsters Inc.  I bet he'd really like it. It's on this Sunday; I'll have to Tivo it. In the car today, we had an interesting conversation. I expressed I was tired because I didn't sleep well last night, and he told me he was tired, too.  Then I asked if he remembered how we used to go to bed, detailing all the things we used to do and asking "wasn't that great?" and he said "YEAH!" and then we discussed whether or not we could do that again and that maybe the problem lately was because we didn't have 'the sunshine song' (which he has been telling me not to sing the past few weeks that we've been having issues) I asked if we could try it again at nap time today and he said ok.  'no idea whether any of this makes any difference or not, but we'll see....

[Mimi 2]

At his age, I think it's ok to ask for his input to how he wants the bedtime routine to be.  Sometimes just the fact of him having some sort of power will make him more agreeable. 

BTW, the Sunshine Song is one of dd's favorite as well.  GL for tonight.

[rooser]

Naptime seemed like it was going to work and there was no threat or sign of monsters when I put him to bed, but he was unable to fall asleep and an hour later, the monsters and fears showed up.  I tried for another 1/2 hour and then gave up.  He'll be so sleepy tonight that he'll likely go to bed without much coaxing.  It would seem dropping off the nap is an easy solution, but he really seems to still need them and is a big so tired he's wired mess if he goes with a nap. (and so am I -- my house is a wreck and I'm unable to get much cleaning done with a tired toddler around) I'll try again tonight. 

[rooser]

Ok, so yesterday afternoon he was so tired I laid him down for a late afternoon nap, since he absolutely refused earlier and I just didn't feel like fighting (bad accidental parenting Mommy) and I told him he was really tired and a nap would make him feel better.  He complained. I did wi/wo 3 times before he accepted it and laid down to sleep.  I told him I was going to work on the laundry, right across the hall from his room and he was ok with that and went to sleep.  Hoping for the same result last night, I tried again and was unsuccessful with wi/wo. It took him 1 1/2 hours before he finally accepted sleep and that was after multiple wi/wo attempts, one of which seemed to be working for about 1/2 hour until suddenly, I heard a big scream for me and was told there was a monster.  I explained again that monsters are afraid of little boys (Thank you, Where the Wild Things Are -- Max told the Wild Things to "Be Still" and they did - a little Mommy's artistic license on that one) but after that wi/wo would not work. I had to stay at his door until he fell asleep. He wouldn't try to sleep, just kept looking over to be sure I was there. I lost my patience around 11PM and yelled at him to close his eyes and go to sleep. I mean I really yelled. After that he closed his eyes and was asleep within 10 minutes.  I am now sitting at his door, right outside his room with door open so he could fall asleep for his nap. Am I making it worse by sitting here if I know he CAN go to sleep on his own and wi/wo sometimes works?  Any thoughts? advice?  It used to be so easy.  On a positive note, no night waking visits to Mommy's room last night, which I think is  thanks to an afternoon nap. He seems to still better at night when he's slept some during the day.

[Mimi 2]

What is his A time?  What is his total hrs of sleep?  Is he generally on the low/high side of sleep? 

I wonder if the fact that he is UT and laying in bed and thinking about these monster.  You are not making it worse by sitting outside his room.  It seems that he is still a bit anxious about not having you within eyesight.  Do you find that with the WI/WO he is more anxious?  What ever method you decide to do, you have to be consistent.  If he is fine with going to sleep with the door open & you sitting by the door, do so.  What he needs to be reassured of his fears.  After a few day, you can tell him that you will move further away but still leave the door open.  Slowly progress to closing the door a little at a time until the door is firmly closed or a little crack is left. 

GW is a slow progress.  Maybe you could read a book or listen to music or do some chores while sitting outside his room. 

GL

[rooser]

Thanks, Mimi. I was worried my sitting outside might become a prop.  I'm afraid that's what I'm just going to have to do until he is accustomed to sleeping alone again.  He slept through the night again last night, but it was another long night of waiting for it. I think you're right and he's just not tired enough when I put him to bed. I need to move his nap to earlier in the day. It had been getting progressively later and later in the day around the holidays, due to everything else going on and I think that has been the cause of all of this.  He is under tired when I put him down and that little vivid imagination of his gets going as he lays there frustrated he can't sleep, and before you know it, monsters arrive.  In short, I  was accidental parenting, while trying to do all the other things I needed to do for Christmas. I see that now. Earlier nap time today.  I feel so much better but also awful with this new realization that I caused this, especially since I was so frustrated with him. Thanks for all your advice and encouragement.  While not all of the BW stuff worked for us these past couple of years, I truly believe it's the best advice out there. After all, it's shush patting and a little flex-EASY that that taught him to be the little boy that everyone compliments me on. To gain perspective, I looked at my posts from when my son was an infant, and had a little chuckle to myself the other day, thinking about how stressed I was then. What an amazing adventure this motherhood thing that I thought I was prepared for, but then found I had no idea how unprepared I really was, has been so far.  I am so amazingly blessed. I'm confident we'll be back on track soon.

[Mimi 2]

Motherhood is an amazing adventure isn't it?  Don't blame yourself.  I think a lot of parenting is touch and go.  You do what's best at the time and adapt.