21.5 mth experiencing severe separation anxiety

[Miraclelim]

My 21.6 mth DF has always been super independent now started becoming extremely clingy. I couldn't evdn step away from her. Why?? Her dad who has been putting her to bed was away for 9 days n I m 7 mth preggy. Now daddy is back she didn't wNt him. She has started talking lots. She keeps saying mummy is here. Mummy is here all the time. She will scream for me during bedtime when daddy tries to put her to bed. She says no no daddy no no daddy mummy mummy is here. Last night she finally fell asleep at 815pm then woke up at 930pm screaming for mummy again. Both my DH n me did wi/wo for 1hr. Then she finally settled to sleep from 1030pm till its 0650 now n still asleep. I m so lost. She has bed. An independent sleeper since 2 mth except for the occasional sick n teething. Any advice pls???
Share ur experience..

Wu 0645 (if night wake I wKe her up at 0730)
Nap 1pm ( trying 1.20 to 1.5 nap as 2hr nap tends to have night wake now)
Bedtime 1930/2000 wouldn't sleep any earlier

Any advice n help r welcome. Thanks in advance

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

I wonder if DH going away kind of made her realize that you could as well? Resulting in more clingyness. I would say keep using wi/wo as she has been and independent sleeper and get DH to take turns so she gets used to him doing bedtime again.

[Miraclelim]

I am not sure if I m doing wi/wo right . What I did was when she woke up crying mummy is here as really needing me cry I will go in she will ask for water then I gave her some she will quietly lying down n I pat her n leave her then she cried again. I walked out of the room n said night night bedtime then wait outside her door for like 5 mins depending how hysterical is her cry then go in again pat her and said night night n out again. I kept repeating it till she settledn goes to sleep. Am I doing it right?....

Thanks so much for your advice.

[Miraclelim]

Daddy has put her to bed but she is screaming mummy mummy for 20 mins. My hb did wi/wo but she is still screaming. Should I go in?? What should I do leave her screaming mummy n she keeps pushing daddy away!!!! Help pls

[creations]

I would go to her.
SA is awful. IMO she is feeling panic that she could lose you and it's a real fear for her. Her independence will return when this phase passes, it is a phase and it will pass. All LOs go through it at some point.
There is a big leap around 21 months, we had a language explosion here which led to lots of disturbed sleep and that was without the added difficulty of Daddy going away.
If it was me I'd stay in the room until she is absolutely calm and even asleep and when you do leave tell her where you are going and that you'll be back, even if she is asleep, eg "I'm going downstairs now honey, I'll come back in 10 mins to check on you" and do go back.

Sorry it's so hard, it won't be for ever though. x

[Miraclelim]

  I feel so bad now. I didn't go in. I sent daddy in and he stayed with her for extra 5-10 mins n pat pat her to calm her down n she went to sleep. 

[Miraclelim]

Hi creation, this week I do notice she is starting to realise fear. She will tell me she is scared of something. Maybe she is recognising her fear n starting to be very clingy to me. I feel so bad now. She is also starting to talk n string words together n sings song. How long does this phase last? So u suggest I start gradual withdrawal instead of wi/wo? What should I do now? I am so lost. She also has been having NW screaming for me. So I cut her nap to 1.5 hrs or should I let her nap longer to 2 hr max? Pls pls advice.
Thank you so much in advance.

[creations]

Oh goodness, I didn't say that to make you feel bad. DO NOT feel bad!! Please!
 
Daddy is no stranger to her, she has had support from a parent she knows and trusts and has not been left alone or abandoned even if her preference would have been for you. anyway, if she calmed so quickly with Daddy then she can't have been that desperate for you, yk?

Whilst I really do believe SA is an awful feeling for a LO and I would stay with my DS if it was me he wanted, please please know that it is fine that she had Daddy there with her.
And please accept my apology for your bad feeling.
 

[creations]

WRT to the SA. It depends how quickly your LO gets through it really, it is different for all. My advice would be to respond to her as quickly as possible, accept her fears are real and respond sympathetically, accept you will get little or no housework done and probably no solo trips to the bathroom and just take her everywhere you possibly can. If you work then there are limits obviously, and any of us can only do what we can do, so when I say be with her all the time I mean so much as is humanly possible. it's pretty hard work but IMO so worth it, the phase may pass more quickly but in any event should hopefully pass more smoothly and less stress fully for you all.
This will give her increased confidence in your bond and that you are and will always be there for her, the effect of this increased confidence is that she will once again have courage to step away from you to explore the world on her own. You let her do the moving away then she has a secure base to return to.

WRT naps. Personally I'd try to stay on whatever routine you were on before the SA hit although I have a memory of mine being a bit UT at BT which wasn't helping. For us capping the nap wasn't useful as he really needed a full nap to get through the day, we were better with the longer nap and shorter night, but very many do well on a capped nap. Now that you've tried the capped nap maybe you can judge if BT and nights are going more smoothly or not?  If you are not sure then don't panic, do what you can during this phase and reassess when her fear has lessened.

hugs I know these phases are super hard. Please remember your DD knows you are doing your best for her x

[Miraclelim]

No no no creation I am so grateful for your kind words n advice. Thank you so much I very much appreciate it. Dh initially did wi/wo for like 25 mins and she was still screaming and the last wi he stayed longer n pat pat her n she calmed down and fell asleep. So all together she screamed for 25 mins. May if she wakes up tonight I will do gradual withdrawal.... I just hope this phase past quickly as I am heavily pregnant now so exhausted. But thank you so much for your advice...  really grateful.

[creations]

Perhaps there is something you can set up in her room to make it more comfortable for you?
And perhaps suggest to DH that him staying with her and patting like last night might be a more successful method than wi-wo at this stage.
FX for you all it passes quickly.

[Miraclelim]

Okie after a week dd still refuses to let dh to put her to bed so I have resort to doing in and using gw now sitting outside her door at bt. She goes to sleep quite quickly 10-15 mins. I have cut her to nap to,1.20hr to hopefully reduce NW but has not been very successful.
I think she might be teething her 2nd molars. As far as I know it can take months for it to appears is that right? She is drooling lots n appetite has reduced, very clingy n severe separation anxiety. She has nws sometimes at 11ish for 20 mins calling for me n I give her so water and tell her is okie mummy is here n generally she will go back to sleep. Then at 2-3 ish she will wake up screaming n crying for me I went in sometimes she will tell me she is scared. Is this night terrors? And it can take her ages to settle as she keeps calling for me every 5-10mins. Sometimes I answer her if I can tell she is getting distress other times I just ignore her but I still stay in her room till she settles then leave.

Sometimes I let her catch up on her sleep up to no more than 2 hrs then bt 2000. She still wakes up at night. I felt her gums this morning I can feel bump at the back indicating molars might be moving up.

I am not sure what to do. Let her sleep no more thsn2 hr for nap or continue to cut it at 1.20. We r also getting some EW at 0600.

I am lost to what to do. Mummies pls advice. Love to hear from u. Tia

[creations]

So sorry she is suffering with 2yr molars   I am sure this is not what you want to hear but here it was unsettled sleep for an entire year!! We literally had a break for about 3 days after the canines stopped hurting then the molars started and it was awful.  Meds before BT and dream meds (if you can) may help. I used ibuprofen pre BT and paracetamol after Bt when I could, my LO wouldn't always take meds after BT as he got too upset to take it.
Some people (even me a few times) can manage a dreams meds by putting a syringe into LOs mouth and letting them take it like a DF.

Sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can for her.
As you are expecting another LO I think I'd continue to get Daddy involved...how about he stays in the room with both of you and gives verbal reassurance, a key phrase repeated like a mantra, so that you can gradually wean your presence?  If you have the opportunity to try it I'd prob do a couple of nights with you both there with you doing everything as you have so far but with Daddy present and verbally reassuring, then night 3 you tell her you need the toilet but will come back, Daddy stays and you leave the room and return a few mins later. Next night same, then tell her you need to go tidy the laundry or something and will come back to check on her. Leave her longer (with Daddy) but do go back.
You might also find a more instructional (though not unpleasant) tone might help with a key phrase, something like "everything's all right, go to sleep." My LO seemed to respond quite well to instruction rather than 'just' reassurance.
I'm just trying to give you some ideas as you will obviously need to be able to leave the room when baby comes and your DD will need to accept Daddy as a source of comfort as well as you.