9m old never sleeps

[Runnermd]

I'm losing my mind and don't know where to turn. My 9m old has never been a good sleeper. We have been to multiple peds for help, tried multiple routines, nothing works for more then a week then it's back to hell. It's so bad I'm getting seriously depressed from lack of sleep and I hate being a mom. For a few months she was at least napping semi ok. Now she's refusing naps.

This was what our schedule was like yesterday and it's been pretty much how it goes.

Wake between 7:30-8am and BF.
An hour later offer solids.
Play until 10ish when she starts acting sleepy.
Rock and sing to her then put her to sleep for nap. She used to go right to sleep if she wasn't asleep. Now as soon as I put her down she's back up screaming. I've literally tried to get her to nap for 2 hrs before. We are reaching that time as I type. I've tried sitting in there with her for reassurance so she's not alone but not engaging her(suggested by one ped), I've tried Ferber(which I hate but another ped said to try and I don't know what to do anymore), I've tried cosleeping(which worked until 7m), I've tried picking her up getting her back to calm and repeat (have done this 3times now today).
Yesterday she naps for 45m after this ordeal.
Offer solids again
Play
Then breastfeed again around 5hrs after first.
Play again
Try for a second nap around 3-4pm
Sometimes this one goes better and I can get her to nap for an hour.
Wake up and do solids again, play until 7:30pm
Start bath time at 7:30.
Read and try and start doing lights out by 8pm. BF again. Often is takes at least 45m of me sitting in there with my hand in the crib to get her to sleep.
Here comes the fun part....
She wakes at 12-1am. It takes anywhere from 2-4!!! Hours to get her back to sleep. I end up laying on the floor in her room for much of this time. At this point the peds said she doesn't need to nurse at night. I don't mind doing it but here's the thing..if I nurse her right when she wakes up at this time she will wake up again 3-4hrs later after she falls asleep. So if she finally goes back to sleep at 2 then she's up at 5-6am wanting to eat. Then sleeps until 8am.
If I don't feel her once she falls back to sleep she will sleep until 8am fine.

I have no clue what to do. She's clearly not getting enough night sleep but I can't do anything to fix it. I'm desperate and miserable. She's rarely happy too. I feel so lost. Anyone have any advice?

I just don't know what to do guys.

[deb]

Is she teething? Might she have an ear infection brewing? I'd try giving pain meds about 20 minutes before sleep time and see if it makes a difference - if so, you know you're on to something.

Also, since she's on solids, might she have tummy pain?

[jessmum46]

Big big hugs, sleep deprivation is horrible . I'm sorry you're struggling and I'm worried for you, the first year is tough but it shouldn't be tough to the point of making you hate being a mum do you have support for yourself?  Have you chatted to your doctor about how low you're feeling?

It sounds like you've tried a lot of things and I understand that feeling of desperation.  We would love to help you with gentle ways to get a routine established and help her settle alone.

Looking at your day I think part of the issue is that you are probably trying for her first nap too early.  Sleep cues are notoriously unreliable as LOs get older, and most 9 month olds would handle 3.5-4h awake before needing a nap, possibly a little shorter for the first awake time.  Bearing in mind she is probably rather overtired right now I would err on the lower end of that to begin with, but from a 7.30 WU I would try to hold off trying for a nap until 10.30am at the earliest, and possibly even 11am.  She will be grumpy I imagine but if she is more tired before her nap, she may not fight you quite so hard.  Do your normal winddown, put her down and stay with her for reassurance if needed.  Would you feel able to use PUPD?  (How to PU/PD (inc age adaptations) - probably just PD at her age). 

I would try for a nap for 45 mins max before taking her out and giving both of you a break.  Then try again a little later.

If she naps for less than an hour, I would try to resettle her but only for 15 mins or so.  If she doesn't go back in that time she probably won't.  Get her up and then make sure she has another good stretch of awake time, at least 3h after a short nap and 3-4h after a longer one before putting her down again.  She will probably only need one 'good' nap and one shorter one at this age.  Just for reference my DD at 9/10 months was doing something like:

WU 6.30/7
Nap 10.30-12
Short CN 4-4.30/45
BT 7pm

And my DS at 8 months is doing more like:
WU 6/6.30
CN 9-9.40
Nap 1-3ish
BT 6.30pm

What do you think?