BF no "fun" anymore... 13mo - time to wean?

[Kimberlina]

Hey mamas! Looking for some advice... but first let me give you some background:

1) we have all just had the Norovirus for the last week+, including DS2. Its taken me ages to be able to eat anything again, so I'm certain my supply has dropped HUGELY over the last week. I think this is upsetting him...

2) teeth are coming in :/

3) it's a WONDERWEEK - as if things weren't CRAZY enough!


Over Christmas, my DS2 has worked out that he can HELP HIMSELF to milkies! Joy. Serves me right for staying in my pyjamas for days on end. I'm not enjoying this. Before that, we had milkies in the morning and then again in the evening - now he just wants a "sip" willy-nilly throughout the day. No thank you.

Also, he has decided in the last month or so that when he is having one side, he wants to tweak the other side. I know this is a thing, but it's new to us... and I don't like it at all. He's not particularly gentle! And his nails are so stratchy!

He has also decided that when he wants a bit of comfort, he can just stick his hands down my top and grab hold... This is also not something that I'm loving.

When I tell him "no", he loses. his. mind.

We had been doing really well with no night nursing... now unless I let him have some, he screams in rage! Plus it's not very helpful, because it often doesn't get him back to sleep anyway!

I think it's time to call it a day... but the FURY I get from him! How will I do it?! My DH says that because of all the things we have been going through the last little while, stopping now may be a knee-jerk reaction and we should give it some time...

Any thoughts? Advice? Plasters for my poor poor nipples?

[4isstillnighttime]

The best thing anyone ever told me about BFing is that it's a relationship, and it has to work both ways. So if it's not working for you, then it's ok to change things. That might be that you stop feeding at night, or when you aren't at home, or whatever. I stopped BFing my twins at that age for pretty much the reasons you have described - I wasn't enjoying it any more, they were messing around so much, and I suddenly didn't want to do it any more!!

So no advice, but support for whatever you decide!

[Katet]

I agree with the PP it is a relationship so it has to work both ways & I also agree with your DH lots of stuff happening & it's all gone haywire.

One of the things my 12yo DS1 was saying last night sticks in my head "His parents will do absolutely everything so he doesn't get upset... but Mum being upset isn't that bad if you have someone to help you through that, it really isn't the end of the world to miss out on things you want"  long back story on how that came about, but the point is that sometimes children just need to go through the noise of disappointment,

I'd think of it like your older child asking for say a cookie, they can ask at Breakfast time, but they soon learn they will never get it at that time & eventually don't keep asking, so if he asks for a BF, quiet simply say "sorry only in the morning & at bed time" (at least for a while - in keeping with your DH's thoughts & also what is good for your body) & then just show empathy for his disappointment at missing out on it & ride out the time that he is upset... unfortunately the noise of upset doesn't seem to have a magic cure, it's just something we have to endure.

I'd also suggest as much as you can is wear clothes that prevent him any access, so it is only about what you are prepared to offer.

[Kimberlina]

Thank you so much for your wonderful support and advice! It is just what I needed to hear.

Katet, your son is wise!

[Katet]

Katet, your son is wise!

Yes, he's had some pretty big disappointments in life but more because he puts himself out there to try for things (sports teams & school Captain) that run the risk of not succeeding & through that he's really learnt an amazing lesson (that took me many more years than him) & that is what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I've realised over the years that with children we really have to look past the noise they make when things don't go the way they want  & not try avoid that noise, but help them deal with what ever the emotional outcome is & realise that the noise is my problem & often the best learning comes when we lovingly support them through their struggles... I've kind of realised they have the right to protest (annoying as the tears & drama is) but they also need to understand that the protest doesn't have power it is just a means for them to let of steam & in having that process of thought I (mostly) can cope with the noise & drama without feeling too stressed by it.  The reality is when we get upset we go through the stages of grief (be it for 2mins or for 40mins or days or weeks)  a child's (or adult's) tantrum is just a process of dealing with their "grief" over something being not what the expected & that's often helped me get past my stress when putting up with a child carrying on over disappointment.

[1stimer]

I'm going through the same thing pretty much here...just wants a sip or two. I joke and say he just wants to make sure they are still there lol...I think its hard bc BM is good for them so, for me atleast, saying no is hard bc I don't want to deny him something healthy but I'm also not a 24 hr buffet! lol

[*Ali*]

My DD rarely ask for the breast (just takes it when offered) but my boys both went through stages of demanding feeds willy nilly and I stuck to my guns and just said it wasn't time for milk then and would they like a drink or snack if hungry or a cuddle if they just wanted comfort.

I'd also be gentle but firm about not pinching your nipples etc. when feeding from the other side. I just take the hand away and either let her hold my thumb or I hold my top down so she cannot get her hand in. And I say a firm but jovial "no thank you" and maybe a "No, mummy doesn't like that." if she is being persistent.

I completely agree that you don't need to let him do what he wants to prevent him getting upset. As long as you are there offering empathy and acknowledging it is frustrating/upsetting when he cannot do something he wants then it will not harm him in any way.

If you are feeling bad about refusing breast milk when it is so good for them (I think it was actually 1sttimer who mentioned that) maybe add in another scheduled feed in the middle of the day some time. I'd have it at a predictable time such as before or after nap time so he knows when it is coming and you can name it when telling him it isn't nap time or bed time or morning if he asks in between.

Some people are happy for their babies to pop on and off the boob all day as they please and that is fine but like you it doesn't suit me and so I have found something else that does which still means my kids get/got breast milk. It has to work for both of you are you'll just stop and then your LO loses out completely.

[Kimberlina]

You know, Ali - I didn't think this about myself, but I think I have really been lax on just doing whatever necessary to keep him from screaming... And that's a long way from where I wanted to be!

I've taken you advice Katet and have started to wear clothes that made milkies a lot less available - especially at night (if anyone knows were to get a night time turtleneck, let me know! j/k). This has helped me a LOT - M is horrified. lol

[Katet]

ou know, Ali - I didn't think this about myself, but I think I have really been lax on just doing whatever necessary to keep him from screaming... And that's a long way from where I wanted to be!

Yes the whole "it's easier to give the milk than put up with the crying" happens & then suddenly there is the realisation that it's not that simple. I think as a society we do A LOT of trying to keep people happy & realise that in the process we might keep one person happy but others not so... Big discussion recently about "every child gets a trophy" in soccer & yet we don't do it in Athletics & the interesting thing is that the turn over rates of children coming back is about the same. In many ways I believe when we prevent children from being upset (because we struggle with the noise) we prevent them from learning some really important skills.

Away from the topic of BF but more about children learning disappointment is a part of life, but learning it "doesn't kill them" & "this too will pass" is really a life skill.

[Kimberlina]

So so so so so true! Well said!