Help with 21mo - hard to settle at night

[MommySteezy]

Hi Mommas! I'm in desperate need of help with my little guy who is having a really difficult time getting to sleep at night. Long story short, we've gotten stuck on a couple of AP issues and I've been rocking him to sleep for both nap and night for a while now. He had a little spell where he did great, but honestly, he's never really STTN except for maybe a handful of times. I know... I end up bringing him to our bed most nights - which I really don't mind as long as he spends a while in his own bed so my husband and I at least have some time together for the night. But now, its taking upwards of an hour, and sometimes a little over even to get him settled and in his bed! What is really confusing me is that he settles for nap in about 15 mins and sometimes even less and I almost always have to wake him up from naps bc he is so zonked out. I know I need to do some sleep training...and prob have needed to for a while now, but I'm just not sure what to do.

Our day usually looks something like
wake - 8:00/8:30
Breakfast 9:00
Activity (play dates, park, etc)
S - Down for nap about 1:30
wake - 3:30 - (4:15 at the latest)
Activity
6:30ish - Dinner
After dinner play (playground, activity inside - trying to get energy out so he will be tired for bed)
8:00-8:30ish - tub
9:00 - Nighttime routine (book, milk, lullaby)

Lately I am not even leaving his room until 10:00 or after. He will fidget and talk and sing, ask for his milk over and over, try to read his books again, etc, etc. Is it possible that he's just not tired yet? I'm hoping to find the outlying factor in all of this so I don't just have to start something intense, but I suppose that might be wishful thinking. I really do want him to know how to self settle, as I def think that is an important skill, but I'm just not sure how to go about it now that I've dug myself into this hole. When I try to put him in his crib awake he freaks out. He thinks it is a punishment. He'll cling on to me and say "rocky" (to rock in the chair with me) or "huggy"and just scream and cry "mommy" when he is in there until I pick him up (patting his back or talking to him from outside doesnt seem to help at all). When I  bring him to my bed he curls up and is lights out - I don't even have to be laying next to him always...My bed is def comfier than his crib mattress...could that be a factor too? Anyways...I digress...would love to hear some suggestions bc I am just straight up clueless and foggy brained about this now. I know I need to do something, but I'm just not sure what. I've had several friends recommend the Ferber method, but I really don't want to leave him to cry if I might not have to. Please help - any guidance is so SO appreciated. 

[creations]

I've had several friends recommend the Ferber method, but I really don't want to leave him to cry if I might not have to.

There is no reason ever to leave a LO to cry alone.
Sleep training might be tougher at this age than at a younger age, or it may not... he might cry and scream as you've described but you would not leave him and there is a *huge* difference in a child crying whilst you are in the room reassuring them and letting them know they are safe and cared for (low stress levels) rather than a child who is alone and doesn't know if mummy or anyone is ever coming back to them and doesn't know if they are safe (ghigh stress levels, broken bond, child eventually gives up, can have life long effects).

Certainly if you think the crib mattress is not as comfortable as you bed then it could be time to upgrade the mattress or just him move to a proper bed and make sure it is comfortable.  I realised at some point that my DS's mattress was not comfortable and a new one was much better, he slept better.

There is a big language developmental leap around 21 months so if this additionally difficulty is recent then it could be that. My independent sleeper suddenly found it super hard to sleep through this language leap, then he returned to normal sleep and a short while later all the new language came out.

I'm a huge believer in giving a child the gift of independent sleep so I would suggest sleep training. Whether you go all out or take baby steps is up to you. I honestly believe it is one of the loveliest gifts you can give to your child, the confidence to sleep alone, the level of trust in you which goes so far as not needing you in the room because they absolutely know you will always always come when needed, being happy and not afraid in the night...it is a truly lovely thing.

[MommySteezy]

I certainly do not want to leave him to cry on his own. That is why I am reaching out for help.

Do you have any particular suggestions for sleep training? I'm really not sure which route to take. I was considering GW, as I did this with my daughter around this age and had some success with it. Of course, she was a bit more independent than he was. I have really APd him more than I am proud to admit....
He is VERY attached to me, which makes it difficult. My husband can't even put him down. Sometimes I feel that me being in the room where he can see me makes him even more upset. Like he doesn't understand why I am there and won't pick him up and love on him and hold him. It breaks my heart.
I'd love nothing more than to give him the gift of independent sleep, and in turn, to get a solid nights rest for myself as well. I just feel really lost. I suppose I should be better off since he is my second, but the sleeping stuff is just not my forte at all. I feel like a failure. 

[creations]

There's a link here for toddler sleep training, inside there are several links to further info:
https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=275734.0
one of the links within is this one on how to choose your ST method:
https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=80750.0

If you feel more drawn towards the GW approach I would suggest to first set down the steps you will take, think about where you are at now and where you want to be, these will be your start and end points, then write down small steps which get you from A to B.  The reason I suggest writing this down is because this is a huge step for *you* and the more you can have it planned out and clear in your own head before you begin the more ready you are likely to feels.  Also in the middle of it all, when he is screaming, it can feel very hard to know what to do, having a written plan can help to keep you on track and help remind you that it is okay to sooth and comfort him and that it is okay (and needed) to take these steps towards independence.
I would also say that having a plan written out can also help to show and remind you how far you are moving towards your goal.  it can feel like nothing is changing so actually recording your progress even in a simple list format can be very encouraging.

With a LO who is still in a crib it can be physically hard work going from cuddling and bringing him to your bed for sleep to keeping him in his crib all night simply because of the design of cribs and the size/weight of your child.  For this reason you might consider setting up a toddler bed now and doing the transition to toddler bed and sleep training all in one go.  It would be easier to hold and keep arms on him for instance when there are no bars in the way.  IMO it would be physically easier to cuddle and reduce rather than picking up from the crib and putting down in the crib which is just hard going.
You need to think about what you are capable of and ready for, it needs to be realistic so you can stick with it and not be tempted to "give in" in the middle of the night.
You might be able to set up a mattress for you to sleep on in his room for instance to help him learn to stay in his own room all night, this would make it a little easier for you and help you to stop going down the route of bringing him to your bed.

*You are not a failure*!!  Please don't think that.  You are a caring and loving mummy who has done what you feel best to comfort your child.  Yes it has been incredibly hard for you and yes you would likely have more energy and patience to care for both your children if you were not using up all your energies on BT and middle of the night disturbances...but please be clear with yourself, you have comforted your child and this is not the sign of failure!!

Read through the info, have a think, maybe write a plan. The plan can include time to get a new mattress or a new bed set up, and to ready things before you begin. When you are ready you will have greater success than jumping straight in and somehow hoping that LO is going to "get it" in a couple of nights.

Like he doesn't understand why I am there and won't pick him up and love on him and hold him.

Different people will have different ideas about this and some may say that it is easier if Daddy can do the sleep training so that you are not involved.  My approach though would be that you never need to break your heart, you do not need to stop picking him up or cuddling him - but you DO need to then put him down and tell him you are not going anywhere, you are right there and he is safe. And when you put him down if he screams and your heart is about to break, pick him up and cuddle again... don't get me wrong I realise what I describe can last ALL night but if you keep on doing it then at some point he will go to sleep in his own bed with you by his side maybe with a hand on him and as the days go by it WILL get easier.  With consistency he will learn:
- he sleeps in his own bed
- mummy is always here (or returns) when I need her
- he is safe

[Buntybear]

Hi, another couple of ideas - is he generally happy in his cot or does he tense when it come to sleep times? If so have you tried putting him in his cot with a few books and toys and leaving him for a few minutes to play to get him used to his cot but not at a sleep time, so as part of his A time?

We did GW with Olly. He had medical needs when he was younger and so was very clingy and had periods of disturbed sleep that we couldn't control. At 21 months your DS knows what rocking is obviously as he can vocalise it so you can start talking to him about how much you love him and would never leave him but that big boys don't need to be rocked to sleep. You do need to break that cycle first so at least you can settle him in his cot and then gradually withdraw. Do you have anything else he connects with bedtime, a favourite song, back patting etc? Any o these you can do whilst he is in his cot and giving him reassurance. Just remember even if you re not rocking him he will learn that you are still right there beside him and can have that physical contact he need by having a hand on his back etc.