Getting the hang of shh/pat sleep method

[ailan]

I'm new to this sleep method, though I've had my 3 month old son on a 3 hr schedule for a while.  Looking for a good way to put him to sleep that didn't involve breaking our backs rocking/bouncing him to sleep or listening to him cry without end until he dropped from exhaustion.  So bw was recommended by a friend and I'm still reading Secrets of...  So I think I need a bit more of an explanation of shh/pat.  Do I pick up my lo when he cries and shh/pat to settle then put him back down, or do I pick him up, start the shh/pat and put him down while still shh/ patting?  I sometimes can't settle him at all with this hence the question whether or not he should be settled when putting him down.  Or do I even pick him up at all and just shh/pat him in the bed? 

Very confused, but don't want to resort to just listening to him cry I would like to support him in OUR venture of teaching him to sleep.

Also any tricks for getting hubbies to understand the importance of this, he still want me to feed him whenever he cries...particularly at night when he cluster feeds.

Thanks for any input.

[Mrs. A]

Hi and welcome!   

Here's a link that explains exactly how to do pat/shh.  pat/shh
It's not easy to stick with it, but let me assure you that the results of your efforts will be SO, SO worth it!!!  Hang in there even when it gets tough. 

My husband wasn't crazy about it at first either, but I kept doing it anyway and as it started to work, he began to change his mind about it.  I have to admit though that I never did it in the middle of the night, only during the day, I was too tired... But it still worked! 

Anyway, good luck!  let us know how it goes!

[ailan]

Thanks for the link.  I guess my biggest issue with the pat/shh at the moment is that he starts to cry when we are setting  up the room and swaddling in anticipation of what's coming.  I've tried going into the room well before S to finish play in there so that he's okay with it, but as soon as the curtains are closing he starts to lose it on me...so I can't put him into his bed right away.  Although first nap of the day is underway here in Australia and he was actually in his bed zoning out quietly for the first time and he drifted out...the whole process only took 10 minutes, crying included.

Problem 2, lo also starts crying as I'm putting him into his bed, once/if he settles before I even get a chance to get him down.  Do I put him down anyway and continue pat/shh or pick up again...that has a tendancy to stir him up again.

Fortunately I don't have to do any of this at night as lo DOES know how to self-soothe, just not during the day

[Mrs. A]

Fortunately I don't have to do any of this at night as lo DOES know how to self-soothe, just not during the day

That's so awesome that he already knows how to self soothe!  That's half the battle.  The other (probably more difficult) half is getting him to do it all the time.   
One thing that really helped me and totally changed my attitude about it (since I get so frustrated when he doesn't self soothe, when I know that he can) is to remember that he just needs a little extra help from me, whether it's because he's overtired or overstimulated or what have you.  I've noticed that when I keep that in mind, I'm much calmer and things go much more smoothly and quickly than if I get upset about it. 

Do I put him down anyway and continue pat/shh or pick up again...that has a tendancy to stir him up again.

Yes, do put him all the way down anyway and try doing pat/shh in the crib.  Then if that just doesn't calm him down, go ahead and pick him up again. 

[ailan]

Fantastic!!  I've just put him down for nap one of the day here in Australia and it only took 3 minutes of wimper-like crying and he was out.  He's also really good at getting through the 10 and 20 minute jolts, he's always done them on his own.  I also managed to extend the 45 minute nap yesterday to 2 hours with method one of w2s for his second nap!!

Thanks so much for the support and advice, I'm feeling more confident about this every day...baby steps!

[Mrs. A]

Yay! I'm so glad to hear that things went well today!

Let me know if you need anything 

[ailan]

Hahaha, I'm between hystarical laughter and tears as lo has completely missed this nap.  Its funny because today is the first day that daddy gets to see this in practice and he's not sold!

Keep trying.

[Mrs. A]

Hi. 
I just wanted to see how things are going?  Are they getting any better? 

[ailan]

Thanks for checking in on me, I feel like I'm failing miserabley.  I can usually get him to sleep between 3 and 20 minutes for the first sleep cycle, but I'm hopeless when it comes to getting him into another 45 minutes.  I was trying to do w2s method 1, but it was killing my back and shoulders (he's all over the place with arms, legs etc. once crying himself crazy to begin the nap and I'm afraid to re-swaddle for fear of waking him) so now I just let him wake and try to do shh/pat back to sleep.  I've been getting him back to sleep after about 10 minutes of crying, but he only stays asleep for a few minutes, then cries again, sleeps again and cries some more.  The periods of sleep get shorter while the crying gets longer.  So after about 20 or 30 minutes I get him out of his bed.  I figure he's better off with some quiet A time as opposed to screaming all his energy away.  Plus I feel like every weekend I regress with a bit of fear that hubby will hate the crying even more than me, but that's my weakness I guess.  Some days I feel like it gets better then I slip back into some accidental parenting, desperate to get lo to sleep (ie. feeding to sleep).  I don't know why I just can't do it!!!  I know that if I persist it will get better, but it just seems like it may take a really long time for us to get the hang of this.

[Mrs. A]

Plus I feel like every weekend I regress with a bit of fear that hubby will hate the crying even more than me, but that's my weakness I guess.  Some days I feel like it gets better then I slip back into some accidental parenting, desperate to get lo to sleep (ie. feeding to sleep).  I don't know why I just can't do it!!!  I know that if I persist it will get better, but it just seems like it may take a really long time for us to get the hang of this.

{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}
I totally know how you feel.  My husband usually works a late shift so he sleeps during the early part of the day.  Plus in the beginning DS was sleeping in our room!  I was so tense all the time cuz I hated doing shh/pat when DH was home.  It was horrible.  DH was pretty tolerant though, I have to give him credit.  Eventually we moved Samir into his own room which was much better. 

Don't worry about slipping back into AP.  It happens.  I've done that tons of times!  The important thing is to take things one step at a time.  If you can't do things the way you want one day, just start fresh tomorrow.  It's so hard sometimes.  Hang in there and let me know how you're doing. 

[ailan]

Thanks Lisa
Our lo is also in our room, and dh likes to sleep in on weekends (I don't mind if he does, I would love to so why not let him) and I don't feel as bad about shh/pat for the first nap because the crying doesn't usually last long.  Its the rest off the day when daddy wants to play with him, and have a baby that doesn't have to cry to sleep.  I keep explaining that eventually there won't be the crying that happens now and that he'll be a happier baby for it with more stamina to play.  He understands most of the time, but then tries to tell me not to stress if lo misses a nap here and there "because weekends are different".  Easier said than done, plus it means lo has to spend LESS time with daddy because he's sleepy and takes longer to feed, and is fussier etc.  Oh well...we'll get there.  I'm going to be really diligent with the start of this new week.  I don't have anywhere to go until Thursday so I'll probably exhaust myself in the process, but I really need to for everyone's sake.

I really appreciate the support you're giving.  I feel like I have someone holding my hand through this!  Much needed especially since ALL the family is overseas!!! 

Unfortunately lo is having a growth spurt and seems to be hungry all the time, and usually decides he wants to eat just before naps.  I have a hard time keeping him with it so that he's not being put down drowsy or sleepy from the breast.  That is the latest and greatest challenge.  But I can do it, we can both do it.

Thanks again, I'll be in touch.

Ailan

[Mrs. A]

Hi Ailan. 
I'm so glad I can help! 

I keep explaining that eventually there won't be the crying that happens now and that he'll be a happier baby for it with more stamina to play.  He understands most of the time, but then tries to tell me not to stress if lo misses a nap here and there "because weekends are different".

yeah, weekends are different for your dh, but how's your lo supposed to know that?    For him every day is the same.  LOL 
I've found that now that we have a consistent routine the effects of one day of a changed routine (like on Sundays when we go to church) last for a couple days.  So usually for us the beginning of the week isn't as great as far as sleeping goes.  It kinda stinks, but at least I know to expect it and can plan accordingly.  It's really hard not to freak out when you know your lo's overtired and you just want to put him to bed but the people around you all want to play with him and argue that he's not tired!  If only everyone knew the babywhispering secrets.... *sigh*

I hope this week that you're at home will be a good one! 
Love,