PLEASE HELP

[paytononemom]

I am so confused!  This will be long, but I am so upset and don't know where to turn!  I feel as though my baby is speaking a different language more and more every day!  I am trying to get my baby on EASY but she is just getting mad and things are getting worse and have been for a few weeks!  She is 21 weeks old and never used to cry!  I mean never unless I let her get too hungry or tired.  Now she is so cranky!  I can not get her to nap more than 30 minutes, and latley it is down to 15 minutes!  And she crys for 20-40 minutes before that.  She is in bed by 6pm-6:30pm, no later than 7 on rare occasion, and sleeps until 5:45 or 6 am, getting up once or twice, but past two nights not at all.  She will play in her crib until I get her, for about 30 minutes.  I change her diaper, and feed her.  She will lay in bed with me in dark/dim light.  She will fall asleep with her pacifier (I know, but did not hear about easy till now) and she fusses a little, but acts tired.  She will then fall asleep (only with me in bed) until about 8:45-9:30am.   Then I get her up and dressed, and play with her.  I have an in home day care, so there is no quiet around here when I go to work at 9, (it is my moms daycare and I live in an apartment in the basement) She usually acts tired by rubbing her eyes, getting cranky (which she never used to, not like this) about 1.5 to 2 hours later.  I try to take her downstairs away from noise in her room.  I read her a book, sing lullabyes, and try to rock her with a pacifier.  She just gets so upset, nothing calms her, I offer my breast as I BF and sometimes that helps, but only for awhile.  I try to lay her in her crib and she gets so inconsolable!  I gave up on that.  I lay in my bed with her, and she just gets mad and trys to sit up, etc.  I usually end up nursing a little, and she does drink, but I feel bad b/c then she is off EASY, but I can not calm her down.  Then I wonder if she is really tired, or what, or if I just have no clue what she is telling me.  I am so LOST!!! She will usually eventually fall asleep and I put her in her crib, but she only sleeps 30 minutes max.  Then we repeat the above, two more times.  Please, please give me a schedule or tell me what to do!  I have no idea anymore!  If I could, I would pay Tracy to come here herself!  I would do anything for it!  I would love to be able to afford someone to help me "listen" to my daughter, but I am so broke!  Please help!  Am I just thinking she is tired, and she just falls asleep out of frustration that I don't know what she wants?  I am so confused- I just break down at the end of the day from stress over this!

[hatshetsut]

Can you outline what your day is generally like and what type of routine you're trying to do with times? My daughter is 15 months and still uses a pacifier to go to sleep, so as long as your daughter will continue to sleep after it has fallen out it isn't a prop. If you can't get a really quiet spot, can you use a sound machine? I use one because I have an obnoxious dog and it does help to cut down on the times he wakes her.

If she is 21 weeks is she on solid foods, and how long have you been trying EASY? Sorry for all the questions, but I want to help you get this sorted. Hugs to you!!

Holly

[paytononemom]

We are again trying solids (cereal) she is just not keen on them at all.  Am going to try it once a day all week to see if she will take it.  She just spits it all out!  But here was our day yesterday (today was little goofed up, b/c Daddy came home early)  She woke up at

-5:30am and played in her crib for 30 minutes (she had gone to bed at 6:30pm the night before, no waking to eat)
-Ate around 6am for 10 minutes
-lays in bed with me in dim light, we talk and play quietly
-falls asleep around 6:30 to 7am and sleeps until 9am
-eats at 9am
-gets dressed, diaper change and lotion massage right after
-plays in bumbo chair with toys, talks to mom, visits with the daycare kids
-she acts tired about two hours later
-take her to her room, read one book, sing 4 lullabies, and rock with her pacifier until/if she falls asleep.  Usually begins fussing as soon as we go into her room, as she knows this is naptime
-sometimes I try to lay on my bed with her,or nurse her, and she eats a little, but she still fusses, this goes on for 20 minutes or so, and by then I have to get back to work, she may or may not fall asleep, if she does I will put her in her crib, she will sleep 30 minutes or less
-I go get her and we repeat above one or two more times
-about 5:30pm we try to have her in only dim light, no TV.  She then gets a shower with Dad if it is her bath night (every other), if not it is on to her nighttime routine
-we change her diaper, put Desitin on her
-then massage with lotion (this is when she usually begins crying) then is her pajamas, and we read 5 short books, in the same order every night, and then she gets a bottle of breastmilk or I nurse, if she did not nurse just before her routine.
-we then sing 4 lullabies, she has her pacifier, and we rock her until she goes to sleep or just try to calm her down.

Lately every nap time and bedtime is a battle, and she gets hysterical if we try to put her down before she is asleep.  I can not seem to get her down at all without nursing/drinking bottle, I don't know if she is really hungry or I am misreading her.  Sometimes she is truly hungry, so it messes up EASY.  I really need help b/c my husband is getting mad and saying I am spoiling her and we need to let her cry it out.  Please help

[EllenS]

21 weeks is still a little early to start solids for a bf baby, don't stress if she's not interested.

I learned the hard way that my lo only rubs her eyes and get cranky when it is already too late.  Then, because she was overtired she'd get "wired up" and it would take forever to get her to fall asleep.  30 minute naps like you are describing are almost always related to overtiredness/overstimulation.  The hysteria, etc. - I've been there, it's awful, but you can get it sorted out! 

I also found that too-long a wind-down just jazzed her up more.  (personally, my lo finds books SOOOO exciting, I have to only do them early in the Awake time - same with baths)

What helped us a lot was taking her in for a nap about twenty minutes BEFORE I knew she would be getting tired.  So, if she gets cranky at 2 hours, try taking her in at 1hour 40 minutes from her last wakeup.  Have you read about the pat-shush and pick-up/put-down techniques?  Pat/shush helps soothe the baby in her own bed without creating a dependency on rocking, etc.  PUPD helps teach self-soothing without letting the baby cry alone (but does involve some crying!)

The good news is, sounds like you are getting some solid night sleeps out of her - that's a good sign and will help sort the naps out.

I tried crying it out before finding the babywhisperer, and it just did not work for our lo, she was so overtired she could never catch up that way.  The only reason to CIO is that it is supposed to work quickly and be over with.  Well, it was just torture for us that went on and on - if it doesn't work it's just cruel.  We're really lucky our baby didn't wind up with crib phobia or trust issues.

Hugs, hang in there! 

[hatshetsut]

I agree w/ Ellen.

At 21 weeks she may not be interested in solids, no worries. Most docs don't recommend solids until 6 months anyway.

At 5 months they should be on a 4 hour EASY which means (generally) they eat every 4 hours and have 2 2-hour naps and 1 cat nap. Below an EASY routine is outlined based on your current wake up times...

6am- wake/eat
8 - nap (this may happen sooner than 8 because most LOs find the first awake time of the day to be the shortest)
10 - wake/eat
12 - nap
2 - wake/eat
4 - nap
545 - wake
6ish - eat/bed

I also agree w/ Ellen that if you know she starts getting fussy at the 2 hour mark begin the wind down routine earlier. Also, a 30 min nap usually means they are over tired so by the time you start putting her to sleep she is already past her prime sleep window. I would kick the wind down back about 15 - 20 min and see how she does.

Do you want to stop rocking her to sleep? Rocking is a prop, but some people like to do it. Tracy recommends to "start as you mean to go on." So if you want to rock her continue. If you don't then at 5 months you will have to do some PU/PD. It does involve crying, but it is not as bad as CIO, which is not recommended for many reasons. (The main two are that it breaks the trust bond between parent and child and the child burns a ton of calories crying and they tend to wake up later hungry. Not to mention making them afraid of their crib!)

With any change in routine it is going to take some time for your DD to adjust. Give it a good 2 - 3 weeks before throwing in the towel. They always say it takes 21 days to form a habit, and your LO will resist the change initially, but if you remain consistent changes will occur! Below are some links for you to look at for additional help. Hugs!

Holly

https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=63839.0

https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?board=89.0

[paytononemom]

How do I get her to go four hours?  Also, if I put her down in her crib, and she begins to fuss, how long do I let her fuss?  Tracy says parents may go in to early, and they would have put themselves to sleep if they waited, so how long do I let her fuss/cry?  Also, if she starts to cry, all that will make her stop is giving her my boob.  I do not want to do this, but sometimes she does eat for a minute or two (which is a lot for her as she only nurses 5 minutes a time.  Her doctor did say that sleeping only 30minutes at nap was okay b/c she sleeps so well (usually) at night.  This PU/PD was only touched on briefly in the book, does she have another book or something?  Is there anywhere to look for someone similar to Tracy who does this that she trains?  I am so desperate!

[paytononemom]

Also, once I get her to sleep she sometimes wakes up a little later, and cries, how long do I wait before I go to her?  I just did shush pat and it worked, but this does not work for her 30 minute naps.  But if sush pat works and she is still awake, do I stay there or leave? Keep patting or just stand there? If she cries as I leave, how long do I wait?  If I have to pick up put down, how long do I hold her?  Just until she stops crying?  If she doesn't stop then what?  How long do I hold her crying?  If she stops crying and I begin to put her down and she starts before she is all the way down, do I still put her down or pick her back up?  If she starts to cry right after I put her down, do I pick her back up?  Stay or go after she stops crying with pu/pd?  Sorry for all the questions, but I really want to do this right, as I think it is best for DD.  Thanks you for the help so far, I think I almost get it!

[EllenS]

You can let her fuss as long as she wants, but don't let her cry alone.  It's about being able to hear the difference between fussing and crying.  If you've done shush-pat and she's calm, go ahead and leave.  But if she is actually crying go back right away.

There's a whole thread on PUPD here on the boards that has all the details you are asking for, and yes there is a second book with more detail, called "the Babywhisperer Solves All Your Problems".  PUPD is the thing you would do rather than use the boob for comfort.  At first she will scream louder, but then she will figure out how to go to sleep without the boob. Yes, she will stop crying eventually.  You may have to PUPD until it's time for her next regularly scheduled feeding (in other words, a missed nap), but sooner or later it will work.  Just don't leave her by herself if she's crying.  Sometimes when my lo is SOOOO CLOSE to asleep, but is still crying, and I know picking her up again will make it worse instead of better, I just sit with my hand on her.  I can't make her go to sleep, but I am there with her. And she gets there eventually.

I think part of the problem may be that you are trying to do this during the work day when you are on a limited timetable.  Can you take a couple of days off or do this on the weekend when you don't feel pressured to make her nap in a particular time slot?  Trying to break the nurse-to-sleep habit is difficult, and if you feel like, "I've GOT to make her sleep NOW so I can get back to work", you'll have a hard time breaking YOUR habit, never mind hers.  Sometimes WE are bigger boob-addicts than the baby is, because it seems like a magic power!

You know, you seem really stressed right now - maybe you need to take a break.  Starting serious sleep training and breaking habits like nursing to sleep is hard and not fun.  VERY WORTHWHILE, but you need to be as well-rested and calm as possible.  If you are feeling edgy and helpless, you may have a hard time getting through to the good part.

I think if you can stretch her feeding times and get her into the crib before she is overtired, it will help a lot.  It's all interrelated, and often if you do one thing, it makes everything else change.  Even if you can stop the nursing to sleep, and the naps are still short, it will be progress.

Oh, and not all bf babies can go 4 hours, especially not all at once if they've been used to eating really frequently.  Try getting to 3, then to 3.5.  It's okay for her to have some awake time before the feeding as well as after: EASAE, in other words.

Hang in there!  Things will get better!

[hatshetsut]

Ditto to Ellen, great advice!