More Questions - please help!

[Holdens Mum]

We are on night 3 of wi/wo - My husband is doing the walking in and out as we think it will be an easier transition for our son (he is very attached to me and gets very upset at naptime when I do not rub his back to get him to sleep - was the same at night to).  And I am worried I"ll cave in and sneak some backrubs in if I do the night-time training....

Anyway, it has been going not bad - first night took 1 hour 40 min; last night took about 25 min (but I was out of the house so I think that does make things easier somehow when he knows I'm not here); tonight we have just started - about 15 min so far.....my husband has been going in only when he is crying and the crying is escalating - otherwise if he is just whining or slightly crying moma moma we are leaving him be as it does seem to upset him quite a bit when my husband goes in and then leaves. 

A few questions - if I am still rubbing his back at nap time will it negate the work we have done at night (well who are we kidding we - my husband ??
How long are most people waiting before going into the room? 
So far my husband has been doing the 'training' - should I be alternating days with him???  I'm worried once I do it it'll be game over - however, I am also hesitant to do the initial work b/c of above reasons.  Has anyone else just let their hubby do it for a while and then transitioned themselves in?  How did it go? 
And is it awful that he is crying moma moma but it is my husband going in and out?  I just think that he should learn that he can't always have me to soothe him......

Thank you to anyone who responds!! 

Kim

[Jaime]

i would think that as long as your dh is on board... he should be the one doing the nighttime routine until you've all got it figured out.  probably will be easier on you & your ds in the long run. 

as far as what you are doing at naptime - well, you & dh are different people, and i bet your ds has come to expect completely different things from both of you. (why i also think your dh should stick with nighttime for now)

And is it awful that he is crying moma moma but it is my husband going in and out?  I just think that he should learn that he can't always have me to soothe him......

no it's not awful.... just think - he is learning that daddy is okay too & will be there to help him out as well. 

[andibig]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

And big pat on the back to DH .
I've never done WI/WO with Sasha so probably not the best to advise but sound like DH is doing really well.
My DH actually got rid off a really bad spate of NW that Sasha had as i was always sneaking in a cuddle or spending a little too long in the room .whereas he was straight in,told her to lie down and go to sleep and walked back out.
Its fine to alternate the nights so DH does one night and you do the next.It tends to be more problamatic if one starts off doing it and then halfway through the other takes over (in the same night that is).
So if you think you can do it as DH does then go for it.But ... I would try and stop the back rubbing if you are.Toddlers are pretty clever at working out that one particular person will do something.so if you rub his back at naps he will expect YOU to do it at night (JMHO).
Hope that makes sense

[Holdens Mum]

thank you for your posts ladies...

Yes, I think Holden definitely now has gotten to expect the back rubs from me - which is probably partly why he calls for me constantly during this sleep training stuff - b/c he knows if he gets me to come in he'll get his way . 

I think I will take a night (starting tomorrow and I will NOT do the back rubbing - which means I think I"ll also have to give it up for the naps too.  It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't require so much back rubbing - my arm and back are killing me by the end of a session (worse at nights - more manageable for naps).  Anyway, I don't think I can continue back rubbing at naps and then not do it at night as that would confuse the situation I'm sure.  We'll see if I chicken out for tomorrow night though. 

Thanks again!  Kim

[andibig]

let us know how you get on

[Holdens Mum]

Well - here's the update...

Last night he did sooo well - DH again took over and he only had to go in twice!!  Soooo, tonight I thought I would take the plunge.  And it didn't go well !! 

After an hour he was FREAKING out - wouldn't lay down when I went in - held onto the side of the crib in fact - and was the closest to having a tantrum that he's ever been (minus the sleeping issues he is a very laid back little boy).  I wasn't sure what to do - so DH took over and went in - did pick him up and sing to him for a bit - then put him down - he cried of course - had to go in one more time - then he settled and went to sleep!!!!  It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong that I couldn't get him to settle, and I just felt so bad about the whole thing (maybe that was partly why he wouldn't settle).  In part I still feel guilty that I am not just rubbing his back to sleep - even though I know it is best for him to learn to sleep on his own - and in the end he is sleeping way better with the wi/wo (through the night) then he ever was with the back rubbing - and the back rubbing usually would take 45 min for him to settle anyway - anyway, I digress...DH reassures me telling me that Holden wouldn't settle for me because he has always been used to me rubbing his back, nursing way back when etc etc and is just really fighting this change. 

So...a couple more questions - if Holden is like almost having a tantrum - should I pick him up and soothe him a bit - eg sing (he asks me to rub his back and sing whenever I go in there) - or should I just persist as that will just mess things up more?? 

I am going to give it a go again tomorrow - I started trying at nap but then ended up rubbing his back at the end.  I know this inconsistency is biting me in the butt !!!  He just gets so unbelievably upset - it is so hard to just leave....

As an aside - I am in Canada (Saskatchewan) and right now it is -31 outside (-45 with the windchill)  ay yi yi!!   

[andibig]

Dh is absolutely right .Holden expects you to rub his back and sing and was protesting because he is now not getting that.DD did the same with me when we were having the NWs.
If DH is happy to do the nights for a little longer then you could start with the naps and no back rubbing.If you do the nap then he won't be as tired as he is at night and you'll have a bit more energy during the day .

I know what you mean about the crying.Its hard isn't it .((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[Holdens Mum]

Thank you for your response.

Is is common that kids do cry so hard during this process that they are pretty much in tantrum mode?  My husband thinks that he is just mad; I'm worried that he is very very sad...I guess you can't really read little guys minds can you

Holden does know that he can get his way with me, last night and today when I was talking to him about moma putting him to sleep - he would say "back" "ing" [sing] - and  today I just rubbed his back for his nap as I just wasn't quite ready to go through the screaming again.  [ie I wimped out!!!]

I am out at a volunteer thing tonight but tomorrow I am determined to give it a go again (at naps and at night). 

I'll keep you updated (it is also cathartic for me to write about this I think

[mari]

Hi Kim, I've read through your posts and I think that it seems that you are doing fine.  It's great that your DH does do the bed times for you as he probably will expect you to rub his back, but have you thought about starting to wean the backrubs for the daytime, just ot try to add some consistency between the two sleeps?  I wonder if you could try to reduce the rubs little by little when you put him to sleep during the day, just try a little song (Instead of the whole song, just do a chorus!) and a short back rub and then walk out, then when he inevitable cries, go in, just a sshh and a little rub til he settles again and then walk out again.
The reason that I'm suggesting this is because if you can reduce your back rubbing then it will be easier for you both when you do decide to take over the bedtime and you and DH can take turns.  It's great that you are both working together on this and full marks to your DH.

[Holdens Mum]

Thanks for the suggestion!!!  I am going to try the total no back rubbing tomorrow - but if it goes haywire I'll try a more gradual approach as you suggest. 

Yes, my hubby is great!!!  He has lots of patience!