Help! Everything fell apart at 4 months

[Caroline30]

Hi everyone! I am new to this forum and hope you don't mind me posting asking for help, but I am at the end of my tether.

I have been following EASY with my son since he was born, and after a lot of hard work and standing in the dark shsh patting a screaming baby (!) it finally seemed like we had made it. He was following 3 hour EASY, he was happy, I was happy and everything seemed wonderful.

Then two things happened.... firstly, my in-laws came over from Australia to visit for 3 weeks and secondly, he hit 4 months. The only person who has ever supported me doing EASY is my husband.. all our friends and family keep telling me to stop trying so hard to get him into a routine. My in-laws were the same and after a couple of big rows, I started to cave in when they wanted to take him out during his nap-time and I started feeding him at strange times. For 3 weeks the routine went out the window.

He also went through quite a few developmental milestones at 4 months. He could stay awake up to 2 hours, started sleeping through the night (about 1 night in 3) and generally became more aware of his surroundings.

Quite quickly everything just seemed to fall apart. His naps were all over the place. He was staying awake for 2 hours, but could only last 3 to 3.5 hrs between feeds (he is bf and a big baby... 22lbs at 4 months), so was waking up screaming for food halfway through his naps. So I started topping him up before his naps... great! He would sleep for 2 hours.... then we ended up with a severe case of accidental parenting, in that I now HAVE to feed him before I put him down for a nap. Whereas I used to put him down for naps, in his cot, awake and he would settle himself. Now he will scream and scream and scream if I put him down awake.

He has also started refusing the bottle.

I feel absolutely desperate about all this now. I feel like all my hard work and those hours and hours of getting him into EASY at the start have all gone down the drain. My son is completely confused and has turned from a happy little chap into a whinging little thing.

I want to get back on track but I have absolutely no idea how. I don't think I can put him on 4 hour EASY as he doesn't seem able to last that long between feeds. Should I try and get him back onto 3 hour EASY? Or should I aim for 3.5 hour EASY? I really don't know where to start and feel so exhausted and worn down by it all. My husband will support me in getting back on track, but he is at work all day and the people who are around me during the day think I should just 'go with the flow' and 'forget this routine business'. But that really isn't working!

Aaarrrggh! Help! Someone!!

Carrie xx

PS. Sorry for the long post. I so rarely have anyone to talk to about my worries with EASY (or lack of) that once I started I couldn't stop!

[stagemanager2]

First off MAJOR HUGS!!!!!  I know what it is like to have few people around to talk to about EASY... strangely enough my sister who turned me onto bw suddenly became a go with the flow kinda mom and it worked out better for her- my son not so much... I know your pain!

Welcome to the forums!!!

Also I wanted to let you know that I was the same with my ds- started very early with easy (almost birth )  and at 4mo, even though I kept to the schedule whole heartedly the EXACT same thing happened... he flipped the world upsidedown on me... I started feeding him before he went down for his naps, he was eating every 2hrs, wouldn't go down after his normal A time... this is what I did...

1) needed to fix the feeding problem so (I formula feed, but it might help) I started one morning after he had had a rather good night with sleep... ie hadn't woken but very early inthe night and eaten... and fed him as much as he would take... then I kept him up 2hrs... I then tried to get him to sleep w/o the food... shh pat and such... well that morning was awful but after 45min of getting him down and an hour nap loandbehold he was hungry again 4hrs after his last feed... I fed him as much as I could.  He chugged it!  suddenly he kinda got it- he could eat more all at once.  This I did for two or three days and always focused on eating every 4hrs... no sooner. (Fortunatly ds caught on fast and he didn't really need food between feeds)

2) After I got him used to eating every 4hrs I worked on his A time.  I knew his A time was all wonky and I would have to figure out when he was "actually" tired instead of just keeping him up the 2hrs... so I started putting him in his bed at 1.25hr activity time... read to him until I saw an 'eye rub', 'yawn' anything!  finished the wind down and he would fall asleep.  I found that he was generally getting to bed at around1.5hr A time... so that was my next big discovery!

3) I'm doing this one right now- trying to get him to extend his naps... good lord... That is what I have been trying to do... so not much advice there but I want you to know you are not alone!  I guess that is my #3 to let you know we are here for ya!

hth

[Wriggly]

Hi Carrie,

Am afraid thta I don't have any specific advice for you, but wanted to offer some words of encouragement - my lo has been on EASY since I put him on at 3months, he's now 7.5months, and we have plenty of ups and downs, one thing after another, but EASY works great, it gives us both some predictability, which 'go with the flow' just doesn't. I tried all sorts of different things before 3 months as a first time mum, hadn't a clue what I was doing, tried schedules, go wiht the flow etc, but BW changed my life, and ly los for all the better.

 Heather's advice seems very good, it won't be easy getting him back on track, but it will be so worth it for both of you. Don't let anyone discourage you, you are doing the right thing - if it feels right to you, it is the right thing to do!!!

In my little experience, of various ups and downs, and lots of changes between 4-6months, feeding is key, and so is sleep, so I'd go with Heather's approach and try to tackle the feeding thing. I have also found that it usually only takes a few days to make a big difference, so if you stick at it, you should see some results fairly quickly.

Many hugs, and keep coming back here for support, I've always found lots and it's reassuring to know you're not alone.

[babymunkey]

Hi Carrie

Same as other posters - if you check out my other posts you'll see we're in the same mess at the same age - and same as you we were cruising on EASY since very early on. Everything went mad for us from our 4 month growth spurt.....

Just wanted to pick up on the pressure from other people....I also have the same issue with my ante-natal group - most people don't get that BW ISN'T a routine, its based on what the baby needs, and if I say I need to leave a coffee meeting cos he's getting tired and I want him to have a nap, I get the same thing - "oh leave him be, he'll fall asleep if he's tired" when I know he's crying and won't go to sleep BECAUSE he's tired, and I should have been home 30 minutes ago.......

I mostly just change the subject and do want I want to do. I'm very lucky - my parents are very supportive even if they don't alwyas agree, and so is my MIL. FIL isn't so convinced, but MIL keeps him in check! Just have faith that you are doing this cos its what you believe (and probably after this long, KNOW) that its what is best for you and your lo.

Best of luck sorting yourself out,

H

[jswmom]

Hi Carrie,
Same thing with us.  Things went a bit crazy at the 4 month growth spurt / transition to the 4 hour EASY.  We're just getting back on track now (almost 5 months).  I also had pressure from the in-laws.  My MIL continues to ask me/tell me to keep my DS up till 10PM because she thinks he'll sleep better.  LoL, you'd think she'd realize that I know my son best.  Anyway, you have to do what you believe is right for you and your LO.

What I had to do after a long visit from the in-laws with lots of cuddling to sleep by them (which I had agreed to since they live so far away and don't get to see us very often) was to pick a fresh day and "start over".  By starting over, I just kept things super consistent - feeding, then play, then sleep.  All naps in the crib, no snack feeding.  There, of course was more crying, but it got better after a few days.

I would try to get to the 4 hour EASY if possible.  I think finally getting my DS all the way on the 4 hour EASY really helped with naps and NW.  We were at 5 NW, but now we're down to 1 or 2 on average.  To get to the 4 hour EASY, I would recommend a gradual approach.  Maybe wait 5 extra minutes each day until you get there, or add 5 extra minutes before a feeding every three days until you get to the 4 hour mark.  He'll eventually get there.  One of the things that helped me was to feed my DS and then top up half way through his A time with a small bottle of expressed breast milk (an extra ounce or two).  I also try to do this during any growth spurts to make sure I'm giving him all the calories he needs during the day.

Good luck!  Let us know how it goes...
Michelle

[ginadsp]

My DS is also 4 months and we are in the same boat. Trying to move to the 4 hour easy but making a mess of it in the process. No-one gets what we are trying to do so I've just stopped trying to explain it. You're not alone. 

The one thing I did have a bit of success with however was getting him to take a bottle after he went on bottle strike. I desperately needed him to take a bottle because for me it was near impossible to get a routine down when I had no clue about how much he was eatting (which was every 2 hours and definately before going to sleep). I was breastfeeding and giving maybe three bottles a week when he suddenly forgort how to take a bottle at 3 months. This is what I did...

1. plaxtex drop-ins with the brown nipple (i'm in the US and hopefully they are sold elsewhere)
2. if you use formula I found I had to use the already premixed one (although this may have had more to do with reflux issues)
3. Make sure the milk is warm! For use this is key and ds will still start refusing the bottle mid feed if it gets too cold (he's so spoiled
4. I sat him in his bouncy chair and I faced him (in the kitchen, a room where I never bf him)
!5. I would put the paci (dummy) in his mouth till he started sucking then pulled it out quickly (before he got a good hold of it) and sliped the bottle in. He would take a few sucks and then get all confused again. I would then repeat the process throughout the entire feed. By the end of the day he was much better and by the end of day two we had it down (I only gave him bottles for the two days and pumped)

Wish I could offer more help on the routine and 4 hour switch but as I said we are still struggling so I will leave that to the others. But isn't it nice to know that we're not alone. good luck 

[Caroline30]

Thank you so much everyone! I wrote that post earlier in the week when I was feeling really low and desperately needed someone who understood to listen... which you all did. Thank you!

For a few days things just seemed to get worse and worse. I had decided I was going to stop the feeding before naps and perservere with PU / PD to get DS down. The first day he screamed for 1 1/2 hrs before I got him down for his morning nap (and I mean screamed!! He has developed this terrible blood curdling screech!) The second day he screamed for 2 1/2 hrs. I ended up calling my Mum in tears and she came round and held him while I stood in the shower and cried. Not a good day!

I decided to take a break for a couple of days and just give us both a chance to relax. Although I really want to get back onto EASY (and I really believe it works for us both) I knew that the state we were both getting into was not going to help.

Funnily enough, when I decided to relax it all suddenly seemed to fall into place. Instead of getting uptight and stressed as we approached nap time, I took the approach that if he went down, fantastic! If he didn't, then I would take him for a walk round the house or give him a cuddle until he calmed down, then try again. I don't think this is really inline with PU / PD, but it seemed to work for us! By the time I tried to put him down again, he was so tired that you could see the relief on his face when I put him down!

I am trying to stretch him towards 4 hours between feeds, but to be honest, we are still a long way off. I tend to feed him half way through his A time and sometimes feed him twice in each A time. He is now having 3 naps a day.... normally 1 nap of 2 hrs, 1 nap of 1.5 hrs and a catnap of 3/4 - 1 hr before his bath.

So we are definitely not there yet, but both feeling happier. I have a feeling that we won't make it to the full 4 hrs between feeds until he is weaned. We weighed him this morning and he was 23lbs.... I might be making excuses for myself, but don't think his little tummy can hold enough milk to keep him going for the full 4 hrs! If there is anyone out there with a similar weight baby, exclusively bf, who is managing the 4 hrs, please tell me! I will harden my resolve to make it 

Thank you for your advice about the bottle feeding as well.... DH and I have been invited to a really posh wedding next weekend and I am dying to go! It is my first chance in over a year to put a nice dress on, see DH in a tuxedo and have a lovely evening out. The wedding starts at 4pm though! So I would miss the 4pm feed, the 6pm and 7pm split feeds and most likely the Dream feed as well....we had hoped to get DS on the bottle by now so my Mum could look after him. I have 7 days to get him back on...... I will try all your suggestions and report back. Fingers crossed!

Glad to hear I am not the only one with friends / family who say "Oh he's not tired, just bored" (when DS has been awake for 2 hrs and is grizzling because he wants to be put down in his quiet, dark nursery for a snooze, not sit in a bright noisy room and battle to get some sleep) or give you funny looks when you have to leave a coffee morning early or arrive late because DS has to go down for a nap at a certain time.

Anyway, I will stop rambling now... if you have managed to read my essay like post, thank you!! Thank you all for your support as well, I really appreciate it!

Caroline xx

[momstheword]

Thanks for posting Caroline. I'm a new mom, too and in a similar boat with my DS who is 4 mo old and 18 lbs (which is up there but not quite up to your DS's weight - nice BFing!). We also just got back from a month of travelling and visiting relatives and I can't tell you how happy I was to get home and not hear anymore about how my DS was so alert and why would I be ptting him down to sleep again? arghhh!!! because he's fussing and yawning, getting overstimulated and is in motherly opinion, TIRED!!

Ok, enough venting....

I don't have much advice to offer as I'm just stumbling my own way through this whole 4hr EASY routine, but it sounds like you are doing really well with the length of your naps so far. Just wanted to offer my support. You're doing a great job and your DS is luck to have such a dedicated mom.