can't get asleep without holding my hand.. HELP!

[Raff]

hi all!
my almost perfect toddler has been getting asleep independently for some time. But mummy made a big mistake when on holiday in Italy and ended up sitting on his bed and giving him her hand in order to get him to sleep.
We came back from our holidays last friday, thinking that it would be easy to go back to our old life. It didn't quite go as expected!
when putting him to sleep in the evening (and for his nap) I cannot leave the room without getting him upset, so i have to stay in his room until he gets asleep. He often asks me to hold his hand. In addition to this, he takes him ages to get to sleep so I end up being in the room for 1 hour and a half!
I have tried for a few days the gradual withdrawal system, but he then asks me to hold his hand and I have to get back to a position close to his bed in order to do this.
Haven't tried walk in/walk out yet, but what do I do when he asks me to hold his hand?
suggestions are very welcome!

[RACHPEM]

Gosh it is just like reading my own post.  Sorry I dont have any advice but I will be watching your post as we seem to have got ourselves into the same mess.  Maya gets so worked up with wi/wo so I thought gw would be better but I am still sitting in the same spot 6wks later for hours sometimes!!!!
lets hope we get some resolve.
Rachale x

[rinajack]

What ages are your los?

Could you try - I just have to duck out to the toilet I will be right back.  And a myriad of other excuses.  And actually go back.  Over time, teh things you ahve to do will take longer, you will be gone longer, but you will always promise to return, and you will always keep your promise.

I have been doing this with my DD since she was about 14 months I think, she is 2 yrs 4 months now.  Now we can leave and clean the kitchen etc, and only go back like 1/2 hr or more later, and she is fine with that most of the time.

[LucyA]

I have so been there, done that (and tbh, still doing it...). We have successfully weaned it in the past, but come travel, sickness etc it always comes back.

Anyway, my advice, fwiw, I would start by staying by the bed, holding their hand til they're almost asleep, then taking it away. If they want it back, give it back, then take it away again as they're dropping off. Repeat for as long as it takes. Over a few days take your hand away sooner/give it back more briefly. Don't try and move away from the bed until lo is falling asleep without wanting your hand. This could take a few days or a few weeks, depending how fast you want to push it. Once the physical contact is removed, you can either keep doing GW, or switch to WI/WO.

Good luck!

[Raff]

Thanks to all, guys! some good suggestions and I will definetely bear them all in mind.
a strange positive result last night:
I did something similar to what rinajack suggested. I distracted him by going in and out of the room with several excuses and kept him chatting all the time (he is a bit of a chatterbox, so I talked to him about how his little pacifier would be soo much better than mummy's hand, how he is going to have beatiful dreams with bob the builder, thomas the tank engine, etc if he gets to sleep quickly, etc.). He was in bed by 745. At 810 I was sorting out our room trying to keep quiet and noticing that he was not talking back to me anymore. Checked on him and he was asleep! He woke up twice during the night but went back to sleep on his own pretty quickly.
I will try to do the same tonight and let you know how I get along!
thanks to all again!

[marcimommy]

I just want to lurk here as i have a similar problem.
DS was always a great independent sleeper until about a month ago. My IL's have visited us from Europe and stayed with us for 9 weeks. It was awsome and DS has grown very close to them. He has been battling SA on and off since about 11 months old and it has gotten really terrible when the IL's have left. So now he needs some assistance to fall asleep. We also got into a bad OT cycle beause of this problem and now it is of course even worse. He doesn't take long to fall asleep and sometimes WI/WO works but sometimes it just upsets him to the extent that he doesn't even want to be in his crib. Most of the time he lays down in his crib as soon as I enter the room and he really wants to fall asleep, he doesn't fight it just needs help KWIM?

[marcimommy]

these are great suggestions but I have a question; do you just leave the door open and keep talking to your LO from the other room? DS doesn't chatter to himself but keeps calling us and than gets upset and starts crying?

[rinajack]

I always leave the door open, so I can just peek in occasionally, and if all is quiet, I just give her a little nod and walk away again (that is now, initially I went in and gave another kiss, simply because I promised to return).  I don't talk to her when out of the room, but then she wouldn't answer anyway because she has a dummy.

[brightside]

We've been through stages like this. What i've found to be most successful is explaining it to him eg, "Mummy is not going to hold your hand tonight but I will  sit next to you/stand at the door/wait outside". Bit like the gradual withdrawal.

[meri anne]

Sorry, no advice but I will go through the same in 4 days. DD is on holiday with grand parents and my mom did several mistakes too. DD was an independent sleeper just 10 days ago. Now it takes her 1-1.5 hours to fall asleep, with my mum holding her. So marking my place.

[Colesmom]

Hi everyone,

All great suggestions so far!  That's great Raff that he ended up settling on his own.

For those of you going through this, i strongly suggest nipping it in the bud ASAP.  I held my sons hand for a YEAR.  yes, as I was PG, then newborn, and didn't have the energy to tackle the crying etc.  Your los will get upset, but you are there to support them.  If you continue to hold hand etc, then you give the impression (my opinion here) that something is amiss, and they need it, kwim?  Say things like, mommy is right here, you're safe, close your eyes and have a good night sleep etc.  all PP had great suggestions.  key is to be consistent...as always.  good luck everyone!

I thought I should come back and add that we used GW, but I'm still not out of the room. We started in April!  I got lazy once I got near the door, and didn't want to go through the few nights of crying it would take to do that.  Anyway, just thought I'd add that bit as I wasn't consistent and now I'm kind of stuck, and DS is reverting back a bit needing my hand.

upset baby, gotta go

[Raff]

I read all your recent replies girls, thanks for yr support!
An update on Thomas. Technic worked ok for a couple of nights. Last night, after chatting to him in and out of the room (door kept open so he would see/hear me), I started talking less and less and kept quiet in my room which is close to his.
When I thought that he was completely asleep I went into his room to check, but he woke up completely so went to him and said "have a good nanna now (nanna is sleep in italian baby talk!). unfortunately he asked for my hand, so I gave it to him but withdrew it pretty quickly as suggested by one of you. He asked for it a few times, so gave it back but took it away soon after. this went on for a few minutes until he turned his back to me and seemed to go to sleep. waited for a few minutes and made my way to the door as quietly as possible. Unfortunately these old british houses have squeeky floor boards so thomas woke up and asked for mummy. I just said "mummy is here" and decided to wait for a little bit at the bottom of his bed pretending to sort out his teddy bears (from there he could see clearly that I was not going away). he then settled and I managed to leave the room. it was 2045 by then!
so, although not a complete success, at least I didn't need to go back to him and give him my hand again I guess. As cole's mum said I have to try to be consistent so will repeat same things again tonight. If he calls for me and ask for my hand, I will go to him but will try to be as brief as possible.
hope this will work for me and for other mothers too!
Raff

[rinajack]

Regression a couple of days into making a change like this is normal.  Sounds to me like you did great, your ultimate aim is for him to fall asleep without holding your hand, and he did that, even though it took a little longer than you would have liked.

Well done!

[Colesmom]

you're doing great Raff, keep it up!

[Raff]

thanks again girls! I will stick to this plan as much as possible. last night tom got asleep at 830 and although he asked for my hand a few times, I managed to change the subject and at the end I even managed to go downstairs when he was still awake (I told him first that I was, and strangely he didn't complain!). when I came up the second time he was fast asleep.
this is actually better than before our holidays as I used to stay upstairs until he was completely asleep. So hopefully we are on the right path, will keep it consistent as much as I can. GRAZIE!!!