{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} It sounds like you're really having an awful time. Anna's post sounds right on, he could be having some separation issues because he's always used the paci for comfort, now that he doesn't have that, he doesn't know what to do. I might try staying in the room with him as well at least at first, then using the gradual withdrawal method to remove yourself from the room. That method seems to work best when there's SA involved or when a bub has been left to CIO. I would also try to introduce a lovie to him at this time (a favorite stuffed toy or a blanket). He's had almost 2 years of comforting himself with a pacifier, and he does not know of any other way to comfort himself, but you can help him to figure that out - offering a lovie, staying in there talking to him, putting a hand on his back, rubbing his back - figure out what will work to soothe him, and that's what you do, then you can gradually pull back on that.
I know of another mom who has twins that she is doing gradual withdrawal with - it started with her rubbing their heads for 20 min, now she's down to less than 5 min. She just pulls back on the length of time that she rubs her head and gradually removes that. As she's doing it, her bubs are learning to comfort themselves to sleep.
It also will help if you can get dh to help (especially since he is opposed to giving the paci back, he can help be part of the solution). You can both figure out a plan that will work for you and then do it super consistently - every nap, every bedtime. It can be really confusing for our bubs when we try lots of different things to help them, because they never know what to expect. By addressing napping and bedtime the same way each time, he will learn a new way to go to sleep on his own. It won't be easy, and it will take time, but we will be here to support you.
hang in there!!
