please help with getting 23 month old to sleep independently

[luigi40502]

Hi.  I am new. Sorry if this is long. We are overwhelmed with a sleep habit we created.  We have rocked our son to sleep for too long!!  Duh. Our son Jack (23 months) is textbook with some spirited tendencies.  He is a great sleeper once we get him to go down.  Here is his daily routine:

7-8 am - wake and get ready for daycare (he LOVES daycare)
at daycare:
9am breakfast
then play, go outside, artwork, story time, etc. until lunch
12 pm lunch
12:30 -3:00 pm clean up lunch and nap
3:00 pm snack
3:30-5:30 pm play, go outside, etc.
5:30 -go hone
6:00 pm-6:30 dinner
7:00 pm bath
7:30-7:45 pm books, with a cup of milk, rock to sleep with music (I know, its bad)

He sleeps in a queen size bed pushed in a corner with a safety rail.  He loves his bed - plays in it all the time. He usually sleeps 11-12 hours with occasional NW, but not too bad. Lately, we have been able to get him to go to sleep on his own while we sit in the chair in his room most nights, after a little bit of rocking of course. We say “it’s time for big boy night night” and he will get in the bed on his own and we have stay there until he goes to sleep.  Some nights that can take over an hour. Some nights, 20 minutes.  It varies.

If we leave the room before he goes to sleep, it's over.  He screams and cries and is very hard to calm down unless you a) get back in the chair, b) get in the bed with him, or c) try rocking again depending on how upset he is (and how tired we are!)  I have tried WI/WO but he seems to get more upset.  I can't just walk in and calm him down - he won't calm down because he knows I am going to leave when I am close to the door or even get out of the chair.  I know I need to be more consistent.  But I also have a 7 month old who sleeps in the next room and I don't want him disturbed by all of the screaming so I tend to give in.  Plus I am exhausted all the time (I work full-time too) and just give in to get some sleep.  Has anyone had similar experiences?  Any suggestions on where to start with this one would be a greatly appreciated.  Thanks, Leigh

[deckchariot]

Because he's not used to sleeping independently, wi/wo may not be the best way to go.  Gradual withdrawal may be a better approach.  Here's a link that explains the difference:  http://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=80750.0

the key with GW is that you really do have to keep withdrawing - just do it slowly.

hth
michelle

[louis-mummy]

I'm not an expert so hopefully one of the CL's will also post but i wanted to say hi.

I totally sympathise about being tired and desperately needing sleep.....i don't have a new baby and i'm exhausted so you must be!!

You seem to have a good idea of what is happening now but a few things spring to mind, how long is his nap during the day? do you think he could be OT for his night time sleep? when you say that you give in....what do you do?

I suggest you decide never to rock him again (i'm sure that idea sounds a bit scary now?!) maybe you could substitute that part of his wind down routine with something else he likes, tell him too that you are doing 'this' instead.  I would then sit in the chair but give him as little verbal and eye contact as possible, IMO you will need to get prepared to write off a few evenings and just wait with him each night til he goes to sleep. Once its established you could move the chair nearer to the door each night til he learns to go to sleep alone. (gradual withdrawal)

I've done this with my DS and it takes longer if you try to leave the room before he goes to sleep (and he can take over an hour!) but after a few evenings he will do it on his own.  Try to keep telling yourself that if you're consistent he will learn to go sleep without you and then you can get your evenings back! 

Hope some of that helped, keep coming back - i find the moral support here invaluable

[luigi40502]

Thanks for your suggestions.  Jack's nap at daycare and at home on the weekends is between 1-2 hours consistently.

I am trying to implement GW, but it's so difficult.  He will get in the bed on his own and I will tuck him in and go sit in the chair, then he junps around in his bed and tears it up - throwing pillows, blamkets, etc.  When I get up to put him back down, he laughs and runs around the bed like it's a game.  It's very difficult not to get angry after just a few minutes of this.    I eventually just sit in the chair and ignore him until he finally goes to sleep.  This has taken up to three hours before. Sometimes I have to get in the bed with him to calm him down (I DO NOT like doing that and try not to), because I am so tired I need to sleep (have to work in the a.m. every day) and if I fall asleep in his bed he will fall asleep too.  It's getting to the point where dh and I both DREAD putting him to bed and that makes me feel terrible. 

Frustrated, Exhausted and Clueless,
Leigh

[deckchariot]

{{{{{hugs}}}}}  I know it's hard.  Try to remember that he's had two years of needing you to put him to sleep, it's going to take a while to teach him a new way to do things.  If he goes to sleep with you in his bed, that might not be a bad way to start.  You could get in bed with him, but tell him that you're only going to stay for x amount of time (you can even set a timer, or say "for two stories" or whatever). Then once he's calm, move to the chair and say "I'll stay here while you fall asleep".  Once he adjusts to that, then do the story time from the chair, not in his bed.  Then start moving the chair farther away from his bed.  Hang in there!!!  If you and dh can take turns, that will help - just make sure you are both doing exactly the same thing!!!

[luigi40502]

ok - so what do I do when he's bouncing around in the bed after I have lain him down and told him "it's time for bed" several times?  And when I say "lain him down", I mean chased him down all over the bed, pick him up and put him back on his pillow only for him to spring back up laughing and start jumping around again.  I can only do that so many times before my back breaks!! Sometimes he does that even if I'm in the bed with him.  That's what I'm having the hardest time with - how to handle the fact that he thinks it's funny to make me keep doing that. (that sounds so lame doesn't it? I'm the adult right?) How far do I go until I need to just start ignoring him.

Also, I will need to move the furniture in his room around to make GW work.  We have a big leather recliner in there, so I can't move it closer to the door.  I thought about sitting on the floor and moving closer to the door, but he would have to sit up constantly and look over the safety rail to make sure I'm there - that doesn't sound like it would work to me.  Anyway, won't moving his room around make this even more difficult? 

Thanks for your help,
Leigh

[louis-mummy]

(((((Hugs)))))

It sounds as though he thinks its all a good game 

I would act bored and try not to 'rise' to his jumping around (even though you might be gritting your teeth and going crazy inside!).  I often count or sing a song in my head to try to distract myself.

He doesn't actually try to get out of bed? I would leave him to jump around for a few minutes, once he realises you aren't going to play the up/down game he might lie down. 

I felt guilty about ignoring Louis so i used to (sometimes still do!) pretend to be asleep and snore really loudly.  He would actually sigh out loud and flop onto his pillow as if to say 'oh well fun's over mum's gone to sleep so i may as well too' LOL!

As far as the furniture goes, it just has to be something which is comfortable for you so if you have a little chair or stool then that would be fine

HTH

[deckchariot]

Laura's got great advice for you!!  I'd just bring a chair or stool in too, no need to rearrange his room.  Great suggestion from Laura to not play into his get up/lay down game.  LOVE the idea of singing a song to yourself (I do that with wi/wo actually, don't know why I didn't think of it here).  Hang in there!!!!