She's really freaking out in the a.m

[nevviemama]

Hello, some advice is appreciated. DD is 27 months. Since 11 months she's been sleeping through the night, no paci. She was not a good sleeper before that, and naps were always short. At just over 24 months, she started to drop her only nap - and at this point it's pretty much gone (she occasionally still will sleep at daycare where she is 3 days a week and sometimes she'll fall asleep in the car). But she copes quite well. She is up around 7 or 7:30 and bedtime is 7pm. Usually not a peep until morning, although she does cry out at times or needs the occasional fix on her blanket.

Lately, her wakeups have been upsetting. Although often she'd wake crying when younger, it was being replaced by waking and babbling, playing with her teddies, then calling out for us. Just after her 2nd bday, she started to have more 'rituals' like needing to close all the doors upstairs before coming down, same drill when going up to bed. We indulge it because to us it's not a big deal, but she becomes quite anxious to have it done. Last few weeks she's doing the same with her toys. For ex, if we're going up for a bath, she 'panics' and needs to put some stuff away that we may not have. I always talk gently through her whininess and tell her to simply ask for what she needs etc. She is a very easy-going and good natured, smiley and talkative little girl otherwise.

So the last few weeks, wakeups have been escalated to needing to go to her right away. She calls for help, to take her sleep sack off (it has a big soft elastic so it's not over the shoulders) even though she can get it off herself. She cries pretty hard and the other day it turned into a mini temper tantrum. I went and helped her take off the blanket and she just screamed at me, so I told her I was going to leave until she calmed. She then continued to scream, and I told her through the monitor that we would come once she calmed. Eventually she did and we went. But I don't know why she is waking up like this. At first I thought she may be waking prematurely so very cranky (and due to dropping the nap), but I'm not sure. Sometimes if she's slept at daycare, we still put her to bed at the same time but she has a bit more trouble and falls asleep a bit later so I think the amount of sleep is ok. Maybe she's starting to feel trapped by the crib? She never has tried to climb out and no other transitions have happened in the house or routine. She sleeps with a little token blankie over the sleep sack - once a few weeks ago we tried taking it off and giving her a small crib comforter but she had trouble that night and we reverted. Maybe we should try that again - she's ready to have a bigger blanket than a different bed? The sleep sack is fleece, loose and comfy and allows her to move without losing her warmth, my mom made it. I've been wanting to toilet train (we've done some passive work on this but nothing too serious) but I'm worried to introduce something if she's coping with something else. Wakeups in this house lately are stressful for all.

I posted this yesterday; this morning I followed advice of a mom and put some books in at night so she'd find a surprise when she woke; I don't think she even noticed. Crying to help with the blanket. I told her on the monitor that she could take it off, but she still escalated to screaming. I told her again that we would come once she calmed, and she did, but then when I went to her, she started freaking again to 'fix' the feet on her pyjama. Then she wanted to go to the living room and close the door of her room. She had an early wake so I told her she could come lie with us, or stay here. More freaking, to the point that I had to put her down, continually using a low voice. She finally calmed when I said I had to leave if she continued, and said she'd come to our bed, but the poor thing was beside herself, shaking and snuffling. Once she had her milk and lay with us for a while, she was back to her happy, cuddly self, like nothing had happened. Is this a phase? A few weeks ago she also started to say no to daycare in the a.m and is standoffish with the other kids (and apparently the son of my daycare lady who is 3 is starting to feel very bad because he feels rejected by her and doesn't like drop off time either now), even though when I come get her it's hard to get her to leave she's having so much fun. I started working 1 day a week at first, worked up to 2, then a third every other week over the period of many months, with no issues. After the holidays she started 3 days consistently - maybe this is the hard part for her? And coming off holidays where routine was a bit wonky?

[becky1969]

It's hard to say exactly what's going on, but I suspect it has to do with her age.  2s are hard!  And she's testing her independence, but also feeling quite fearful about it.

The ritual stuff is quite typical and you need to be careful not to play into that too much.  The rituals can get quite elaborate and then dropping them later is a pain (trust me -- been there, done that!!!).  Is she a touchy by chance?  She sounds a bit like that, and you may want to take the BW Toddler Quiz to see where she lies personality wise now that she's a toddler.  If she *is* a touchy, they can resort to external rituals to help them sort out internal chaos.  And believe me, there's LOTS of internal chaos when age 2 arrives! 


I think what I might do is introduce a reward chart (RC).  You will reward her for not crying/shouting for you when she first wakes up.  You'll reward her with stickers for the first 2-3 times she does the correct behavior, and then after 2-3 stickers you'll offer a BIGGER reward.  It could be a small toy (we use hotwheels cars which cost about $1 each), a trip somewhere (a playland type place) or special alone time with parents (have tea party or picnic in living room, something out of the ordinary).

You want to make the rewards achievable, so I wouldn't make your goal be "Silent when you wake up" LOL! That may ultimately be your goal, but she's not going to get there day 1! So maybe your first goal will be "Call for mommy and daddy without crying in the morning".   And then after 2-3 times getting that one right (and also earning her BIG prize), you then up the ante to "Play in your room for a bit before calling for mommy/daddy" or something like that.


Books in the room can be very useful for toddlers.  We keep a small stack on a step stool next to my son's bed.  Our rule is he can read books before sleep and when he wakes up as long as he doesn't make mommy/daddy come to the room.  If he calls for us, books go bye-bye.  I haven't had to take them away yet.  So you can do the same -- maybe even practice reading with her in the morning so it becomes a pleasant ritual.  In other words, when she calls for you first thing (and doesn't cry)  be very happy and pleasant, and then ask her if she'd like to read stories wtih you for a bit.  Then lay on her bed together and look at books.  Show her how nice that can be first thing in the morning.

Also, you might offer stickers for her taking her sleep sack off herself.  Since you *know* she can do it, offer her incentive to do it on her own.  I suspect the calling for you to do it is an expression of the inner war 2s have with wanting to be independent but also being scared of letting go of mommy's help.  So that's why she's showing anger (I think that's what those tears and tantrums are really about).  She's confused!  So let's praise her and reward her for independent behavior.  But also make sure to give her lots of love and cuddles when she does the independent things so she can let go of the worry that being independent means mommy goes away.

Make sense? Try that for a few days and see if there's any improvement.  If not, we'll brainstorm some other things! 

[nevviemama]

Thanks, I will continue with the books and try the reward system. We usually go downstairs and read first thing so maybe I'll try in her room instead.

Another friend mentioned she may be regressing if she wants help for things she could do - wanted to know if I make a lot of references to being a big girl and to be careful. I'm not sure I overuse that but I do say it sometimes, as praise for doing things herself. Such a lot to think about. In terms of the rituals, we've allowed the door thing because she enjoys playing with doors anyhow at this point. One morning she didn't want me to open the blinds in the living room and I gently resisted that - because morning time means opening blinds so I didn't think that one should be indulged. It's a fine line with cleaning up - we want her to be tidy and respectful of her things and respect her if she wants to put them away, but not to the point where she becomes neurotic about it!

I was also reading the dropping nap at 2 yrs thread. I suspect maybe she isn't handling dropping the nap as well as I think she is. Because she still naps sometimes at daycare, I think I will try a bit more diligently to put her down as she could start up again, or try adjusting bedtime by about 15-30 min earlier if there is no nap. Maybe that will help.

[becky1969]

That is definitely a possibility.  What I often see at 2 is mom's drop the nap when actually LO just needs nap to be later.  Usually by about 24-25 months, the LO has been on the same routine since first going on 1 nap.  Then they start having nap refusals because they simply aren't tired at the old nap time.  Try moving nap later by about an hour and see what happens.  That certainly happened with my guy! At 27 months he started skipping naps regularly.  So by accident I tried offering a nap at 1 instead of 12, and voila! Back to napping 2 hours.

[nevviemama]

Things have been better over the last few days. I put books in her crib but they lay there in the same position as I put them so she didn't notice or wasn't interested. But we told her when putting her to bed that we wanted her to ask for us in the morning without crying, and that we'd give her a treat in the day for being a good listener.

Additionally, we've gotten 2 successful naps over the last 3 days. We're putting her down around 1pm, but I do notice that her naptime at daycare is consistent at 12:30. So maybe without the other kids as a cue, the later time is better. Naps are around 1 hr, but that's typical for her. Bedtime with a nap has remained at 7pm (and I was, perhaps wrongly, still putting her down at 7 when there was no nap). If there isn't a nap, around 6:30 or so. So now she is getting 13 hrs total where before it was 12, and she is doing much better. Whew! Yesterday she got a sniffle and slight fever; hoping that won't throw her out of routine too much! Thanks all.

[becky1969]

Glad it's gotten better!