14 mo old will only sleep if he's being held...help!

[lize566]

Let me start by saying we are in midst of the 2-1 transition. And I know he's been working on some teeth, but they have been visible. He is 14 months old has been a great sleeper the past few months. STTN usually around 11 hrs, and most days takes 1 nap, depending on his WU time. I'll post our EASY, but it's pretty all over the place b/c he's been a bear to get down so I've been letting him sleep in so he's not grumpy all day.

Out BT routine is pretty simple, PJs, play a little while in living room, read a few books and sing a few songs while being rocked and drinking a cup of milk (this depends on how well he ate dinner, though). Usually he is pretty drowsy if not asleep by this time, which I know is part of the problem b/c he doesn't fall asleep on his own, even though he does when he wakes at night and when he is at his sitters. So anyway, he goes to sleep just fine if we are holding him, fusses a bit when we lay him down and is fine as long as we are in there, but as soon as we hit the doorway-all he!! breaks lose. He screams and screams until someone comes back in there. If we pick him he is usually right back asleep. If we don't it takes him a little longer to calm down with us sh/patting, but he eventually falls asleep, until we leave again. What is going on??? My gut says some kind of separation anxiety or possibly him learning what kind of control he has, but I just don't get it. Is it possible that he is OT, even though he falls asleep when we are holding him?

Here is our EASY today

WU 8:30
Nap 12:45-2:10 (naps are shorter than I would like as well, but I'm wondering if this is UT, b/c he was barely up 4 hours)
BT 8:15, fell asleep in car, woke up when we put him in bed at about 8:30, and it's going on 10 pm and he's still crying when we put him down.

We let him cry 10 min or so in between going in there. On occassion he has gone to sleep within the first 10 minutes, especially for naps.

Any advice??

Oh and nap times are sometimes difficult but not nearly as difficult as BT. I know that our naps need to be longer, but I dont know what to do about that. I clearly need help!

[Tweakster]

Hi there hon, bumping up for you.  It's really hard to say because teething makes everything a total PITA, but I think you are right on the first nap, you need to aim for at least 5 hrs I think, possibly more.  This is looking like an UT/OT loop to me.  If he's only going to do 11 hrs overnight and at 14 mths I suspect he needs probably a 2 hr nap, you have 11 hrs A time to make up. 

So maybe something like:
Awake 8:30
Nap 1:30 - 3:30
Bedtime 9:30

Is that type of day working for your family?  To be honest most studies show that kids do much better with earlier bedtimes ie 7 p.m. as a middle ground.  But if that schedule is working then no need to change it

Can I ask why you are timing the crying?  To be honest, in BW there is no timing of crying.  It's about responding to the type of cries LO has and knowing when they truly need you.  Do you think he needs you when he's screaming like that, or only wants someone in there?  Have you tried either GW or WI/WO?  What temperament is he?  I would caution about picking him up at all.  This is random reinforcement and it's the strongest kind of reinforcement there is. 

Here's a link to help you think about the two most popular methods for working with SA and sleep issues:
http://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=80750.0

[lize566]

Thanks for the response!

That EASY schedule looks great, but I would prefer him to be in bed earlier, and with that said, I go back to work hopefully in a week, so his WU time will be more like 7 or 7:30, making his bedtime closer to 8 or 8:30, so that should work. Especially with his naps being more like 1-3 or even 12:30-2:30. Otherwise, I don't know how to get his BT any earlier.

We aren't really timing his crying necessarily, more like going off his cries. If he is just fussing, or whimpering a bit, we wait a while longer until it reaches a more intense cry. He has also typically more of a tension building crier. But he's not a big crier in general, so to me his cries sound pretty desperate. But if he needs me, I can't figure out what he needs besides just being held, which is okay, but I can't hold him all night. My gut says he just wants someone in there, and I am not sure how to handle it.

We thought it might be an OT thing, so here is today's schedule

WU 7:45
Nap 12-1:30, then fussed on and off every 20-30 minutes until 2:30 (according to his daycare, and I trust that she goes off his cries, so I think he was dozing in between fussing the last hour)
BT 7:30, woke at 8, is still awake at 10:30. We have been doing the walk-in walk-out type soothing, but he is not showing any signs of going to sleep.

It's possible he is still OT, I guess. And he started coughing this morning and has a runny nose, so he might not feel good. How am I suppose to know, though?? I know you guys cant give me a definite answer, but I am so lost right now. Both my husband and I are at our wits end, since not only are we dealing with 2 hrs of crying and fighting with our son every night, but this is usually our time together so we aren't getting any time together now either. I feel so helpless.

[Roseii]

((hugs)) sweetie that sounds v tough. From that routine I would guess he is OT as a 1.5 hour nap in an (almost) 12 hour day isn't a huge amount for a 14mo. Is there any chance you could put him to bed a little earlier?

As he's not an independent sleeper I would advise a more gradual approach. Around about this age with my DD1 (who was rocked to sleep for over a year) I started doing the usual wind-down, putting her in her cot awake, then lying on a mattress next to her cot. She obvioulsy cried because it was different but I calmed her with my voice and encouraged her to lie down. At first I stayed there until she fell asleep, the idea being I would graduate closer to the door night by night. To be honest I didn't follow through with that But it is possible and can be a very successful, gentle way of calming baby. I found that by lying next to her she cried less than if I tried WI/WO, and after only one night she was a lot quicker to settle. For me it was a much better approach than 2 hours of screaming and us darting in and out of her room (given her, and your LO's young age)

x

[lize566]

I agree about the OT. We are trying to put him to bed earlier, although I am gone in the evenings so it's not always possible (my in-laws watch him one night and they aren't very good at putting to sleep) but we are going to try the gradual weaning method with the rocking him to sleep. I don't think he feels good either, so that's probably part of the problem as well. Thanks ladies!