Stressed to the max with my 13 month old who hardly eats!

[gabrielsmommy]

My son has become increasely harder over the last 2 months to feed.  He used to be an ok eater, but now is almost refusing to be spoon fed.  He eats stage 3 baby food, Gerber graduates toddler meals, fresh fruits, peas, carrots, french fries and some homemade food.  I don't cook often because my husband and I both work full time and my shifts are 12hrs.  When I am home, I usually feed my son independently of me or my husband and I eating because it is so stressful trying to get him to eat.  If I try and sit him down with us for dinner, I end up eating cold food trying to encourage him to eat.  I try putting different finger foods on his tray and sometimes he will pick things up and eat it, but mostly he just smashes it in his hands and throws it down or rubs it all over his tray and in his hair.  He needs LOTS of distraction with things like a movie or cartoons in order for me to get him to eat.  This is very frustrating for me and in turn cause him to get upset during meals.  Am I just expecting too much at his age?  Should I just stop trying to spoon feed him?  He is not loosing weight, but has slowly dropped now to the 25th percentile for weight. 

[Texomamama]

At 13 mo, both my daughters were fighting being spoon fed (unless they were trying to do it themselves).  I know this sounds cliche, but just keep trying new things, and mix in the things you know he likes so you can feel some positive feedback.  He won't let himself go hungry.  The more you stress, the more he will pick up on it.

And, off topic......how are you all doing weather wise?

[Rizo]

What does he do if you all sit together for dinner, you and your DH with your food and his in his own bowl with his own spoon and some finger food too? Even if he does smash it all up, maybe say Oh you are not hungry and then get him down if he isn't eating. Sometimes if we do this with our DS and he will go and play and then 20mins later ask for food. Maybe if this happens and he doesn't eat the first time then sit him up awhile later and see what happens?

Is there anything like a late snack at daycare that could be the reason he isn't eating/hungry?? I am an early childhood teacher and at a lot of centers here they give a snack at 4 or 5pm for the children who stay late.

[gabrielsmommy]

Texomamama, it is just quite windy her in Pensacola but very little rain so far.   I am trying to be positive but it is hard.  We have had struggles since he was a baby with eating.  He had a milk protein intolerance and bad reflux that we have now surpassed.   Now we have other challenges I guess.  Rizo, on the rare occasion we sit-down at home to eat he fusses to get out of his highchair. When we are out at restaurants we will sometimes reach for food on our plates and eat it but will not eat the same food if we put it in front of him.  I also wonder if he is drinking too much and that is why he isn't hungry.  He gets a snack at daycare between 2:30-3pm.

[creations]

When we are out at restaurants we will sometimes reach for food on our plates and eat it but will not eat the same food if we put it in front of him.

I think this could be key.
I have a very good eater and he has fed himself since 6 months old BUT he has phases where he appears to not trust the food I give him.  This is not something I have read about but my own theory based on what I have experienced with DS.  Every time he has a developmental leap, learns something new, he questions the world around him again to see what has changed and what has stayed the same.  Food is one of the things he 'learns' to mistrust every now and then with his increased awareness of the world (this is a good skill to learn, it could help him make a choice not to eat poisonous berries.  Annoying behaviour often has a positive side to it too).
Long and short of it is mummy and daddy are like the court jesters, you are there to 'test the food for poison' before LO will trust it.
If he wants food off your plate then for a short while I would dish his up onto your plate and offer one or two pieces at a time by moving them onto his plate/tray.  If necessary take it back off his plate and make a point of eating a bite of it, say 'yum that's nice' (you don't need to go overboard on this) and put it back on his plate.  If he eats it don't make a big deal of it.  If he doesn't eat it don't make a big deal of it.

I would stop trying to spoon feed, at 13 months he can pick up food and put it to his mouth himself and most likely wants to.  I would also make a big effort to have family meals together and never feed him separately.  Eating for humans is a sociable activity.  We always eat more when we are with others.  It also helps LO to learn about table manners and how things are done by watching you.  I would also turn the cartoons and TV off.  Again eating is a sociable occasion and some family togetherness and conversation at the dinner table is a valuable thing.  Food can should be enjoyed, and shouldn't need distraction of cartoons.
As for your food going cold, well, I often have cold food too.  DP and I try to keep our food warm whilst LO's cools down to enable us all to sit down to eat together, but often it isn't so warm by the time we are all at the table.  But if yours is going cold because you are fussing over LO, then stop fussing   Stop trying to feed him and let him do it.  If finger food is pretty new to him he will need to work through a phase of exploration to see what the texture, weight and feel of it is, plus how well it drops to the floor and if it's any good as hair gel.  When he is hungry it will find it's way into his mouth.  There will naturally be things he likes and things he doesn't.  Mine hardly eats any meat or fish but will eat plenty of veg and carbs for example.
I know it's a lot more effort to have home made food and all sit down together but I really do think that is the way forward and it will be so worth it in the future when you have already set up the expectations of family time at meal time.

Good luck with working through this phase.  It must be difficult for you when you have such long hours to work too xxx

[Rizo]

When we are out at restaurants we will sometimes reach for food on our plates and eat it but will not eat the same food if we put it in front of him.
I think this could be key.
I have a very good eater and he has fed himself since 6 months old BUT he has phases where he appears to not trust the food I give him.  This is not something I have read about but my own theory based on what I have experienced with DS.

My DS does this too, some nights he will prefer to eat the food off our plates rather than his own even thought it is EXACTLY the same. We just let him choose if he does this and we eat bits off his plate to show him that it is the same. If he fills up off our plate then we just eat his after so we have had a full meal. Oh and usually this only lasts a night or 2 before he is back to eating off his own plate.

I agree with creations about always having homemade food. And don't fuss around after him, if he is hungry he WILL eat eventually

[creations]

Another thing I do (just remembered) is I serve up a plate for DS that looks pretty much exactly as mine and DP's.  I use a side plate for this so it even matches our crockery.  This plate I put in the centre of the table like a serving dish, but he knows it is his meal.  Then I place an empty plastic plate in front of DS and serve him a little off of his crockery plate.
I have found that putting all the food on his own plate straight off is somewhat overwhelming for him, more so when he was younger.  If he finishes something on his plastic plate I serve him a little more from his crockery plate.  I think it really helps for him to see it served in the same way.

[gabrielsmommy]

Thanks Creations for the advice.  I want him to be independent with eating because he is so independent in every other way.  He is very smart and VERY active.  I just need to learn to relax and just let him figure out how to eat on his own.  I will try having more family meals, but this will be hard.  Most of our together meals are out at restaurants and that is just because my husband works late most days and I work 3 12hr shift a week at least.  This in itself makes it very difficult to eat as a family.  I am sure I will figure this out.

[creations]

I can see it is really difficult to eat as a family.
When you are unable to eat as a family try having a small snack yourself with LO so he isn't eating alone (or ask whoever his care giver is when you are at work).
When DS first started on finger foods I had some odd 'meals' because I always ate with him, sometimes just a few pieces of steamed carrot and green beans or cheese and cracker, then I had my real meal later on after his BT.  I'm really sure it will make a difference and also moving him from the shop bought prepared stage food onto home made food which is a completely different thing to learn about than shop bought foods.

I am sure I will figure this out.

I'm sure you will too xx