I remember when we started solids DS initially didn't quite get the idea that he could do it himself. It makes sense that if they have always been fed by someone else (ie we put a breast or bottle or spoon to their mouth) then they eat in a passive kind of way, and it takes some encouragement to help them realise that they can feed themselves independently.
Experimenting with food (as with any other new item/toy) is normal, discovering what happens when they drop it off the side of the high chair or squish it in their hands is part of the learning process and in a way I think you need to be patient of this aspect if he hasn't yet got it 'out of his system' and moved on to tasting and feeding himself.
I would try these:
1. pop him in the high chair or on the floor on a mat and just give him one piece of finger food (a baked sweet potato wedge, wedge of pear, cracker or bread stick for example) and let him do as he pleases with it. If he drops it over the side give him another. Be positive in your words and tone. Show him that you have tried a piece of the food too. I would do this when it is not a meal time so there is less pressure for the food to be eaten and he is just allowed to explore and experiment with it. I would also try this with small portions of sloppy food for him to dip his fingers in (yoghurt, humous, mayonaise, guacamole, mashed sweet potato), again not necessarily as a 'meal' but as something to explore, smear, squish and taste.
2. at meal time I would reduce what is put in front of him at any given time. have two plates, one with his meal on as a serving dish, another in front of him and just place one or two pieces of food on it. Make it things that are easy to pick up himself without the need for cutlery and something you know he has eaten before and likes. If he begins to show frustration that you are not feeding him then hold a piece of him to taste and then pass it over and say 'you do it' (and use his name). (I had a very brief episode of major frustration when I told my own DS, 'you do it'. he very quickly realised he could do it himself and that this was more self fulfilling).
3. At meals show him that you too can eat with your fingers and verbally confirm that it is ok to do so. I wouldn't try to make him use cutlery yet, not until he has accepted that he can feed himself independently. I believe it would help to prepare meals that you are happy to eat with your fingers. LOs, depending on their character, are sometimes happy to eat 'messy' food with their hands, other times they are not so happy to get messy, either is ok. But I do think it would help to model behaviour by you and your family all eating with fingers for a while.
4. I would stop feeding him with a spoon. If he starts to self feed finger foods I would load a spoon and leave it for him to pick up himself, or encourage him to hold it himself. If he shows interest in using a spoon and self feeding you could show him, hand over hand, to scoop up (I found it easier to teach fork use first, stabbing is a bit easier than scooping esp when it comes to getting it to their mouth) and bring it to his mouth but it's really important not to force this but to do it in an encouraging and helping way.
During the learning process it's very helpful that you accept there will be mess and don't respond negatively to it. He needs to experiment with the food even if he is not eating it. I would ignore all dropped food. There is time later for teaching that food is not dropped/thrown, I think at this point, given his age and reluctance to self feed I really wouldn't worry about table manners just yet but focus on relaxed and positive encouragement to self feed.
I hope some of these ideas might help x
