11 month old - how do I teach him to sleep on his own?

[Newmum1111]

Up until our lo was 10 months I used to sit next to the cot while he drifted off to sleep.  I never wanted my baby to CIO so this was the only way I thought I could prevent it!  This method worked every time (unless he was sick etc) until recently when he learnt to crawl and pull himself up.  He wouldn't cry, he'd just play.  So one night I left him to play and he eventually fell asleep on his own!  I was over the moon!!

This was all good until after a couple of weeks, there were a couple of times that he started to cry when I left the room.  It wasn't ever a serious cry, just a 'oi where do you think your going?' type cry and it wouldn't last more than a minute and then he would go to sleep. 

Now he's realised that if he chucks out his dummies and gives a serious cry, I come back into the room.  This is where I get stuck. 

I lie him back down with his dummy and he just keeps sitting back up.  No crying.  So I can't do PU/PD.  If I start to leave the room, he cries.  Half the time now it becomes a serious cry, probably because he's not tired enough or OT (he's going through the 11 month naps going wonky phase).

I've been very conscious not to let him CIO because I never wanted him to experience those feelings, but I will admit I'm starting to lose patience and there has been a couple of times where I've wondered if I've let him get too upset.

What do I do?

I feel like a prop and I desperately want to teach him independent sleep.  Is now the time to get rid of the dummy, which will cause him to cry and then I do PU/PD or is there another solution? I've never done PU/PD before.  How does that teach him that it's ok that I leave the room for him to sleep?

We have the same problem when he wakes up of a night.

Any help would be much appreciated.

Thank you.

[*Ali*]

Personally I wouldn't get rid of the dummy in your case unless you particularly want to because it isn't the problem and it may make it harder for him to self soothe when he is actually doing really well already.

I would do a gradual withdrawal where you put him down and then instead of leaving the room all together you stay until he is asleep but gradually move closer and close to the door until you are outside the door. You can start as far from the cot as he will allow. When I did it we started sitting next to the cot and then across the room for all sleep for a week, then just inside the door for another week or so, then outsidde with the door open a crack and now he doesn't look for me I can just go and come back if he cries (rarely but if OT etc.). At the earlier stages of the sleep training I used my voice a lot and shushed if he cried lots. If he stood up and got too upset I would lay him back down and calm him the take up my position again. If he cried I would just say our sleepy phrase and he would know I was there and be soothed by my voice (eventually). It does take a little while, I wasn't in any rush as I just sat on my phone on BW while I waited but you could definitely speed it up by moving every few days I would think if he is taking well to it. It is so much gentler than CIO which is against BW principles so no one here is going to suggest you do that. With this method (and any BW method) he will just be crying in protest rather than because he feels abandoned. This or PUPD will teeth him he can put himself to sleep and if he needs you you will be there. CIO would break that bond of trust and he would just stop crying because he knew no one would come anyway.

Do you think this is something you would be willing to try.

If you prefer to get rid if the dummy you could do PUPD but you would still need to couple that with gradual leaving of the room.

Is his room dark BTW? Babies tend to respond better if you can leave out of their line of sight. It would also help him switch off as he wouldn't have the stimulation from the light.

If you think he is close to the 2-1 transition do you think his routine may need a tweak?

[Newmum1111]

Thank you for your reply Ali!  It was very helpful and I've already put it into play during his two naps today. 

I sat on my stool for about 15 mins until he started to cry.  I laid him back down and tried twice to return to my stool but each time he pulled himself up immediately and started to cry.  So I then laid him down, said my sleepy time phrase and left my hand rested on him (so he knew I was there).  He pulled himself up a couple of times but the third time he stayed down.  I think leaving my hand on him helped.  I might have to do this until he realises I'm not leaving.  Does this sound like a good idea or should I be trying to use my voice more? 

Unfortunately for the next nap we got interrupted so it all went pair shaped and I had to rock him to sleep.  He was too OT. 

I definitely need to tweak his routine.  He's been fighting his naps a lot lately and waking up around 5am most days.  We've just started daylight saving here so I had to get blackout curtains to help him get back to sleep until 6-7am which I'm successful with (after a feed) most mornings.  Most days he can stay awake for 3 hours and now I'm limiting his naps to 1.5hrs.  I just read that 3hrs of naps per day is a bit long for his age so I'm planning on limiting his total nap time to more like 2.5hrs.  Does that sound right?  Is it best to have a longer sleep in the morning, say 1.5hr and then a 1hr in the afternoon (if possible)?  I'm guessing if I do that I might have to bring his bedtime in a bit earlier.

I try to get out of the room before he pulls himself up, but because he knows it's coming up he's usually up and looking over the rail before I get the chance to close the door!  Sounds like the gradual process should help reprogram that behaviour

I think I'll keep the dummy for the moment.  Like you said, it's helping him settle.  It sounds like you may have experience with dummy removal.  Is there an age that is a good time to get rid of it?

Thanks again for your help.  It's such a relief to know that I'm working towards helping him achieve independent sleep.  I might have to bring up BW on my phone to help pass the time  

Much appreciated!

[*Ali*]

You can definitely start with a hand on him but it will take longer to get out the door as there will be more steps in between. Will he let you gently take your hand away and sit right next to the cot once he's calm. Try not to make eye contact once he is settled or he won't be able to resist interacting with you.

My DS1 didn't have a dummy and DS2 just lost interest in his and would spit it out and settle himself to sleep at 7mo so I just stopped offering it. I was still sitting in the room until he was asleep at that point, albeit out of his sight. Then he got too big for the Moses basket and I had to move him to a cot. Then he could roll in the swaddle and so I had to wean that and he was cutting teeth at the same time. That was at 8mo and I think all that happening at once was the reason we had to sleep train again. So I wouldn't say I have good experience with the dummy actually. I know many people seem to think it is better to wean young, like 6mo or so or to wait until they are older and can understand what is happening say 18-24mo If it is a problem though, as in they are waking and needing you to replug constantly then it is best to wean at any age. Most LOs will learn to replug themselves so then it won't be a prop and is unlikely to cause a problem. I know many people just put multiple dummies in the cot at night so LO can find one easily.

Do you know if you DS is high or low sleep needs? That would determine whether 2.5hrs is too much sleep or not. DS1 was quite high sleep needs and had a 2hr + a 45min nap at that age and was on one 3hr nap by 12.5mo. I couldn't let DS2 sleep that much or he either had long UT NWs or he EW after 10hrs at night. He did a 1.5hr nap plus a 30min CN. When we do one nap I have to wake him around 2hrs so he will still do an 11-12hr night.

I have always done long AM and short PM nap. Mine never really refused their PM nap on a regular basis and our play groups and swimming lessons were in the PM so it suited me to have the long AM nap when I could be at home. I know some people find having a short AM better if their LO is prone to EW or if they refuse their PM nap after a long morning sleep. Some LOs use the AM nap to catch up from an EW so it can also help to push the first A time as far as possible.

HTH. Let me know if I missed anything.

[Newmum1111]

Thanks again for your reply!  I've taken your advice and just put him down for his morning nap by sitting next to the cot without my hand on his back.  It worked!  I didn't even need to get up out of my chair once!  Woo hoo. Progress.   

The last two mornings I've pushed his morning nap out by 30 mins.  Yesterday and this morning he woke about 6.20am and I put him down for 10am (rather than 9.30am) and he went down easier than normal both times.  More success! 

He's pretty attached to his dummy so I think I'll have to wait it out for a while before getting rid of it.  He does wake up during the night but they are habitual wakings (same time pretty much every night - 10-11pm, 2-3pm, 4-5pm).  Unfortunately I kind of 'trained' him to wake for night BFs which has been ingrained since birth.  In the past I've used PUPD with success but he's been a bad teether and I just keep reverting back to panadol & then a BF to get him back to sleep.  I want to start employing some techniques to get rid of these NWs but I'm not sure where to start since he's possibly OT and catching up on sleep during the day. 

How did you work out whether your boys were high or low needs sleepers?  I believe from my experiences that 2hrs for the morning nap causes more NW so I've been limiting his morning nap to 1.5hrs and I think I should start to limit total naps to 2.5hrs. Yesterday he had 3hrs and he had the usual 3 NWs plus an additional NW at 11.30pm.  I got him to go back to sleep but he woke again 10mins later.  I couldn't work out why he woke so I fed him and sure enough he went back to sleep until the next NW at 3am.  It can't have been hunger though because he had only just eaten at 10.30pm.

Can you suggest what my next move might be to eliminate the NWs?  Post my EASY on the forum?  Employ the same technique that you have outlined for me for naps to eliminate night wakings?

On a side note, I'd just like to say a big thank you for dedicating your time to help me and others like me.  It really is greatly appreciated and I can't express my gratitude enough.   

[*Ali*]

Personally I would work on reaching independent sleep during the day and see if this helps him to put himself back to sleep for any of the night wakings.
Alternatively you could do exactly what you are doing in the day for some or all of the NWs. I think I might find this a bit overwhelming all at once though.
You could also try wake to sleep if the wakings are habitual.

Just like you mentioned above, to work out whether my boys' sleep needs I kept track of how much day sleep they had and what sort of night that led to and I noticed patterns emerging. It was partly trial and error over several weeks and of course as they got older it was constantly changing I found it easiest to write it down each day. Please do feel free to post your EASY

[Newmum1111]

That sounds like a good idea.  I've started writing down his daily sleep so I'll give it a bit and see if I notice any patterns.  In the meantime, I will keep working on independent sleep.  He seems to be teething at the moment anyway (just for something different!  ) so it's probably not the ideal time to enforce night changes.  At least we are making progress with going down for naps so I think we have his A time worked out at the moment.

Thanks Ali. 

[*Ali*]

Great. Let us know how it goes.