21 mos old - protests bedtime&naps

[crazymama2]

So I think we are having trust issues with our 21 mos old DS. Here's the background: 2 months ago we had DD and DS was moved out of our room into his own. The first week he was absolutely fine - STTN the as usual, taking his one nap. Then all of a sudden he started waking up screaming at night, standing in his crib, DH and I would take turns trying to soothe him - seating in a chair in the dark and patting him and sometimes he'd be screaming while we were there. He'd calm down, then as soon as we would get up to leave, he'd start screaming again. Each time we checked for sickness, wet/soiled diaper, gave him water. With a newborn who was also up crying, we were just exhausted, so would just leave him on his own. He behaved the same way at my parents' house when we weren't there. This lasted about 1 week. And then 3 weeks ago, he started protesting bedtime and naptime. He just stands in his crib, actually while we are still doing nightime routine and not wanting to go into the crib. Our presence does nothing except makes him even angrier, he shows that he wants to be out of the crib. A few nights we tried soothing him which seemed to make him even angrier, then we reserved to just putting him down, soothing him and walking away - yes with him screaming. About 2 weeks ago, he stopped doing that at my parents' house but still continues to protest bedtime at home. I cannot possibly sit with him in the dark, patting him until he falls asleep because I have a 2 mos old DD who is going to sleep at the same time, nor do I believe that's right to do. He has been falling asleep on his own and STTN since 8 mos - I want that back. Help!

[anna*]

I think he probably feels really displaced and insecure because a little baby has come and he has been moved out of your room and he's letting you know he's unhappy about it! Could you and your partner take turns in staying with him? It is asking a lot of him to sleep 'normally' in a new room with a new sibling - that is a lot of upheaval, I am sure most toddlers would react exactly the same way! Please don't leave him to scream - he doesn't understand that you are exhausted, or that you have to tend to a baby. You don't need to pat him but let him know you are nearby. Do as much as you can to make sure he gets plenty of attention and cuddles during the day time. Any time the baby is asleep, spend some special time with him.

[crazymama2]

No, unfortunately, we cannot stay in his room or take turns, for several reasons. First of all, I tried doing that in the beginning, id bring my pillow and blanket and try to settle myself on the floor or on a chair next to him - his reaction was out of this world - he would get even more ed and would scream even harder and resist lying down. Second, DH&I tried sitting next to him in recent days, but instead of going to sleep, he starts playing - takes his socks off, gets up, laughs. When we tell him that he needs to sleep and get up, he starts screaming, once we sit down, he starts smiling (like he got what he wanted) and continues playing. If this is not being a manipulative toddler, than I don't know what it is. Lastly, we need to be consistent and i cannot be consistent with him since I dont always have help at bedtime when I have my DD to put to bed and absolutely no help during naptime. As one can imagine, DD who is 2 months, definitely needs more attention for bedtime and naps. I also feel like I  give my son more attention now so to speak bc i feel guilty that we have another baby, so he def gets all the hugs and cuddles and playtime with mommy and daddy, and it's our DD who should feel "neglected", not DS. 

[anna*]

Of course this is only my opinion but I do feel that he is still too young to be purposely manipulative. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you on how to make him go to sleep peacefully without an initial investment of time, in the beginning at least.

[crazymama2]

I appreciate your advice! Thank you!

[Lolly]

My DS was only a couple of months older than yours when DD was born - it was a challenging time.

What's his routine like at the moment? What time does he wake up, nap and go to bed?

Where are you with teeth? His 2 yr molars could be on the move and they take months to come through.

I do agree with Anna that he is too young to be manipulating you on purpose, toddlers just don't think like this. They have their own reasons for doing things which may not be apparent to us but they don't plan to wind you up (it just feels like it ). I think the new baby and changing rooms will be a factor, a lot of toddlers also go through sleep regressions between 18 months and 2 years which makes everything harder.

Laura

[crazymama2]

Ok so:

WU: 730/8am
Nap: 1230/1 for about 1.5 hrs
BT: 8pm
 
I am not sure about his teeth - last time I check a week or so ago, nothing broke through.

But he smiles in a very sly way when he gets his way, thats why i consider it to be manipulation. And isn't it manipulation when kids know that they can get something by screaming or throwing a tantrum, to get a reaction. DS just has a very satisfied look on his face when he gets his way after screaming - that rarely happens with me, bc my "no" means "No"

[Lolly]

I think his day is too short and his nap too early - if you push things out a bit that should help. I would make his morning at least 5.5 hours long and then his afternoon the same. We usually find that by this age with an 1.5 hour nap they need at least a 12.5 hour day, usually 13 hours to be tired enough to sleep easily.

If he wakes at 7.30 you need the nap to be at 1 and then bedtime 8/8.30. If he wakes at 8 you are looking more at 1.30 for a nap and then 8.30/9 for bedtime.

If bedtime that late suits you then try that, if it doesn't I would wake him at a set time to get bedtime at a decent hour.

I get what you are saying, but I see manipulation as something pre-meditated, so he's not sitting there thinking about what he can do to get out of going to bed and keep you with him it's taking advantage of the situation so it's more cause and effect. He plays around, you give him attention then you get up to leave which he doesn't want because he wants the attention. He screams and you sit back down so yes, he gets what he wants but he hasn't planned it out! It's also worth remembering that toddlers have long memories and short tempers!

If he has been an independent sleeper then he may respond well to walk in/ walk out - have a look at this link  Walk In/Walk Out vs. The Gradual Withdrawal Method (HOW TO CHOOSE)

Laura

[crazymama2]

Wow, i am so happy I found this board and you ladies! Lolly, what you are saying about a short day is making sense! For the past 2 days, I out him to nap @5 hour mark, but he didnt fall asleep until the 6hr mark - he was just in his crib playing for an hour and then fell asleep for 1.5 hrs. I am not so sure i like the late bedtime but i see your point. I guess this is a wake up for me that my baby is growing up.

I took a look at WI/WO and Gradual Withdrawl. We've kind of been doing the first one but not consistently, plus it gets DS aggravated even more when we do that. The later we will give a try. Thanks