How long to shhh/pat?

[AdcTait]

I'm new to this forum, I'm new to motherhood, and I'm new to sleep problems. The past week my 3.5 mo old has been regressing in nighttime sleep. He was a good napper until about 2 mos ago. We always rocked to sleep and it worked fine until this week. As I sit here, we are going on hour 6 of him crying and not sleeping. He will fight into arms and then give out. I put him down and he cries. We start all over again. At wits end, I call the pedi. After many questions they said let him cry. I can't do that. So I've laid him in the crib and patted him for two hours. He is still crying. Please, for my child and my sanity, help us. My stomach is in knots, I'm crying with him, we are both exhausted Andy husband and I are not on the same page with this. So there is tension with us and I need us to be a team. I'm begging.

[anna*]

(((hugs))) with that much crying I would suspect he is in pain or discomfort. Have you checked out signs of reflux? Reflux 101 - General reflux information  Can you pop him in a sling and just cuddle/wear him to sleep for now?

[AdcTait]

I really feel like we have been building up to a meltdown.  There aren't any reflux issues and he is fine as long as I'm holding, rocking, or nursing him. I realize I have created this monster in always rocking or nursing to sleep. To give a little more history, when his daytime naps started getting skimpy, he was getting overtired and was having a meltdown by bedtime. After reading many  sleep books and websites, I realized his daytime sleep effected his night time sleep. At that point I did anything to get him to map well during the day. It helped for a while but we started regressing a week ago, now we're back at square one. In starting the shh/pat I'm trying to teach him to sleep in his crib and start good habits. I realize I'm a little late in the game but I have to start somewhere. What I was doing is obviously not working.

[anna*]

OK well if you are continuing with shush-pat, you don't just keep going at it for hours, that will just exhaust you both. You do shush-pat for 45 mins (at the start of nap time) and after that if he's not settling, you abandon the nap. Take a break outside the nursery, both calm down, change his diaper if necessary, feed if it is near time to, then do your wind-down again and shush-pat again for 45 mins. He may skip all his naps BUT it won't be constant crying for hours on end because after 45 minutes you take a break.

Also, if you feel that shush-pat is making him more aggravated rather than being calming, experiment to find something that works. If he doesn't like the shush, use white noise or hum or sing or speak softly to him instead. If he doesn't like the pat on his back, try patting his butt, or rubbing his back, or stroking his head. If being in your arms doesn't work, try to settle him in his crib more than in your arms.

It's really important that you stay calm. earplugs or earbuds with some music playing can help. If you are freaking out, he's going to pick up on all that cortisol and be fearful that soemthing bad is happening. That's why I suggested the sling, so that YOU can calm down before attempting shush-pat again.

Is he swaddled? Does he take a dummy/paci/soother? Does he have a lovey?

[AdcTait]

Thank you thank you for your help! I can't tell if the sush-pat aggravates him or if he is just used to being held and rocked. If I rock him, he fights as he is falling asleep and finally nods off. He will sleep int arms but as soon as I put him down he wakes. I have literally tried everything (putting him down drowsy, pupd, rocking again, you name it) I forgot to mention that he was only waking twice at night but for the past week it's every two hours and not napping at all during the day. I know he has to be chronically overtired. He is happy and smiley during awake times. He never cries until time to sleep.  As far as patting on the back, he sleeps only on his back, so I was patting his chest and stomach. He doesn't take a paci (we've tried but he is not good at holding it and ends up gagging) no lovey and he slept I swaddled for the first time last night. He has a sleep sack but has started breaking out and rolling onto side during sleep.

[AdcTait]

He slept *unswaddled for the first time last night

[anna*]

If you're getting rid of the swaddle this all sounds like it's pretty normal. If shush-pat isn't calming him at all, try something else. Shush pat in your arms until he's calm, then put him in his crib (even if he starts crying) and shush-pat in his crib for a while before picking him up again.