12 week old can only sleep on my chest. PLEASE HELP!!!

[AnnisMom]

My DD is 12 weeks today and It was the first day I tried to break the terrible habit of her sleeping on my chest. The first few weeks she  had reflux and would vomit everytime she was put in the cot after a feed, so I was advised to keep her upright for at least 30min after each feed, the problem was that by the time the 30min were ier she was fast asleep, but even then when I put her in her cot she woke up every time. Because she was born low birthweight and I was afraid that not getting enough sleep would do her harm and impact her weight gain I let her sleep on me for all naps. I know this was a terrible mistake as she got used to falling asleep and staying asleep on me. We stuck to the 3hr EASY without a problem, only all naps were on my chest - she would have no problem sleeping up to 6 hours. At night, so I could catch up on some sleep we started to co-sleep at about 4 weeks. She is exclusivy breastfed and would demand feed during the night. I always realised that I am risking a bad habit developing, but didn't have the heart to let her cry and miss naps because she was so small. People kept telling me you cant spoil a baby this young, but I now know that you can form bad habits which is essentially the same if not worse!
At 12 weeks today (she has been gaining weight well and no more reflux) I decided she is old enough to try and teach her to sleep in her cot. It was a complete disaster, we are both exhausted, she cried more than she slept, I feel completely lost and that I have failed her. She is now again sleeping on me as I couldn't bear to see her so desperately crying and OT. She was up at 7am and has until now 5.30pm had only 2hrs of sleep:
Nap 1 - 24min, after about 40min of mantra cry, which turned into hysterucal crying, PU, calmed her PD drowsy, hysterical crying, PU, calmed her PD but asleep as she fell asleep as soon as I PU
Nap 2 - 0min, tried to persevere and not let her sleep on me even if she misses a nap, shhing and lullaby for an hour to see if I can get her drowsy in the cot, no effect, mantra cry, hysterical cry, PUPD to calm her which lasted until the next feed so she missed the whole nap
Nap 3 - 45min, I gave in and slept on me after same as above ending in hysterical crying which I could only calm with bouncing and lound shhing
Nap 4 - 1 hr, again on me because of same as above and PUPD attempts which just made her hysterical and so OT so after eventually the last PU 25min of holding and rocking shhing she calmed and I let her sleep on me.
Sorry this is so long and fragmented, but am rushing to write while she is sleeping. I feel totally lost and don't know how I could possibly break this habit, which is not healthy for either of us. I don't want to use CIO, but feel like thats what I am almost doing. What really frustrates me is that I cannot calm her when she gets into hysterical crying in the cot no matter what and even when I PU she continues crying and tensing up for a good 10min despite me holding and trying to calm her. Any ideas what I could do and what I am doing wrong?? Should I just persist and if need be let her miss all her naps? Doesnt feel right, but equally when I give in and let her get some sleep on me I feel like all her stress and crying has been for nothing. HELP!

p.s. am not even thinking of our night sleep yet, I want to handle the day first and get her used to the cot...

[Fiver]

Welcome and hugs.  Being a mum can be so hard and guilt ridden sometimes.
If it's any comfort to you, I struggled big time to get my DS to sleep in his cot when he was tiny to such a point that I simply made myself miserable.  Yes, he did it in the end, but boy was it stressful!
With my DD, I simply didn't have the time to be sitting in her room trying to get her to sleep when I had DS to take care of too, so she literally took all her naps either in the sling or asleep on my chest.  No, it's not terribly BW, but at 12w she may still need the comfort of your presence.  I knew with DD that she was likely to be my last baby, so wanted those extra snuggles (how selfish of me ) but made the point of making sure she at least started off her night sleep in the cot so that she got used to the bedtime routine.

I guess all that ramble is to say that you'll get loads of help here, but don't beat yourself up over loving your LO and trying to do your best for her
There's nothing that can't be amended when you're both ready.

[pennypie1]

My LO was the same way!  My LO slept in a wrap connected to me for all naps until he was 4 months old.  Every time I tried to put him down he would cry.  Around 4 months he started sleeping in his crib for naps.  Very slowly at first 5 minutes then became 1 hour.  Don't give up hope, she just wants her mama.  Do you use white noise. That helped us a lot, Also around this time he could roll to his tummy so his sleep improved dramatically once he wasn't sleeping on his back.

[TB9]

Don't be too hard on yourself!  I went though the same thing with DD, I had to keep her upright or she would wake in pain and all her food would come out   I found that using a swaddle really helped her, she would just get so frantic and flail about when she was trying to fall asleep...I think the swaddle made her feel nice and cozy like she felt when she was napping on me   We also used white noise to keep her calm.  I found it easier on all of us to just start with baby steps, implement some sort of routine to calm her down for sleep, then get her as close as you can to sleep before you put her in.  You can always work up to putting her in wide awake, you don't have to start that right off the get go.

[AnnisMom]

Thanks for the replies and encouragement.
Pennypie1 did you use PUPD at 4 months to transfer your LO into the  crib? I have a noise machine (the cloud b sleep sheep), but tbh don't really see it having an effect I turn it on when she gets upset and have also tried turning on as part of the wind down, but don't see any reaction in DD, it doesn't calm her at all. I still leave it on just in case it does help her when she is sleeping. I swaddle, but have started with one arm out as she really tries to get her thumb when awake and I don't want to stop her with the swaddle.

So to my surprise she slept better than usual during the night, I would have expected that after so little sleep during the day she would have a disrupted night sleep, as this is what Tracey would predict, but rather than waking in her usual 2hr intervals she went for  3-4hr gaps between feeds - I guess she was really catching up on sleep. So she woke up after nap 4, which ended up being 2hrs (i.e. until 6.30pm), then went to bed (on me) at 8.30pm and woke up for feeds at 9.30pm (feed before that was at 6.30pm), 12.30am, 3am and 7.30am - for all of these she slept on our bed next to me.

I thought a lot about how yesterday went and after reading up again on Tracey's sleep interview there was probably no point to what I did because I wasn't consistent and gave up so quickly. So I have decided to do this properly next week again with DH's support, who will have a few days off and will be at home. I want to arm myself with all the info I need until then so I am prepared and have the strength to see it through, so I have a couple of questions and hope someone can help:

1. Tracey does not recommend PUPD before 4 months, but in the FAQs section I found someone suggests it worked perfectly with a 3 month old:
PU/PD for 3 month old - info from consult with Tracy
So starting at 13 weeks is not to early, right?

2. Also in the sleep interview and the book Tracey says to calm the baby completely when PU before PD again, but in the post above Tracey suggested to the poster to just PU and NOT calm, but put straight down again. I am confused as to what is right, should I pick up when hysteric cry and them put down immediately again. Surely this will only upset her more?  This also raises this:

4. In the BW book Tracey suggests to not do PUPD for more than 40min, but if I have to completely calm her before PD again it may take me 20min or longer if it is to be done without any rocking or bouncing, so I may only get 2 PUPD attempts at a go. Should I do it for more than 40min? This is what she suggested to the poster in the link above.

5. Should I really do this for all naps and bedtime at once? I am concerned it will end up with her only crying and no sleep at all.

6. If yes to doing it for all sleep, should I start with the evening or with the first nap in the morning?

7. What do I do if she gets so OT that she falls asleep as soon as I PU, I PD and she wakes up in hysterics 30sec later, do I just continue PU and put down immediately? Wont this OT her more and just exhaust her completely?

Sorry so many questions, but any advise/tips would be so helpful. 

[deb]

This is going to sound completely mental, but I found that those chest naps were super-restorative for me as well; the two of us sometimes slept for 2-1/2 to 3 hours and woke soooo much happier. (I had a HUGE refluxer for my first one as well, and very Touchy to boot.) Shortly after the 3-month mark she no longer would sleep on me like that, just gave it up on her own, and I missed it like crazy. Same thing happened with #2, although she was the one who did spend most of her first 5 months napping in a carrier or sling because she was so Spirited that she needed the body rhythm to lull her to sleep; otherwise there was too much to look at and she didn't seem to want to miss anything.

Another thought: how's her head control and strength? Would you be comfortable letting her tummy-sleep? My second slept super-well on her tummy and after our experiences with our first - and in retrospect since her head and neck strength were great from birth we probably should have considered it with her much much younger than we did - we let her tummy-sleep from the start. It does have to be something you're comfortable with, obviously, and whether/when it's appropriate I'd imagine will vary from baby to baby. I don't know that I'd suggest trying it without knowing how your baby's head and neck control are, and as a disclaimer you should probably check with her doctor, but the position would mimic her sleeping on your chest and might give her the sleep she needs and give you the break you need.

[pennypie1]

I actually started with nursing/holding him to sleep and then putting him in his crib a sleep for naps.  I know you are not supposed to do that but that was the only way he would sleep in his crib.  Somedays would be good other days he would wake up as soon as I set him down.  Once he got comfortable with that, I started put him in the crib drowsy and would put his pacifier in his mouth sometimes holding it in there until he fell asleep.  I would stay in the room by the crib with him until he fell asleep patting his back if he got upset (he was a side sleeper). I tried not to give eye contact because then he thought I wanted to play.  Now I can put him in awake, leave the room and he falls asleep on his own.  I know thats not what the book says but that is the only thing that worked for us. 

We had the same problem with the swaddle around 3 months so we stopped using it and used a sleep sack at nap time.  He really didn't like sleeping on his back so with this he could roll to his side to sleep and then pretty soon after he rolled onto his tummy to sleep.   Maybe she would do better without the swaddle she maybe getting to the age where she wants to move around and get comfortable???

We used the cloud b sleep giraffe but it turns off after 15 or 40 minutes.  LO would wake up as soon as the sound went off so we started using a fan on high.

I also found by doing the same routine before nap prepares him for naptime. 

[jessmum46]

Hi there, I see you've been having some lovely advice from the BW ladies

Just wanted to answer a few of your questions:

1 - at 13 weeks I would most definitely stick with shh pat rather than PUPD.  PUPD was only meant to be used a a last resort and can be very over-stimulating for younger LOs.  Given she has only fallen asleep on you, to expect her to suddenly work out how to do it in the crib on her own is not fair on either of you.  It would be better to start with shh pat all the way to sleep in your arms, and then once she is used to that as a settling technique, gradually work on putting her down more and more awake and continuing the shh pat in the crib.  Also wanted to say that PUPD is not recommended for babies with reflux .

2 - as above I would stick with shh pat, but when using PUPD with younger LOs you PU and calm completely before putting down again.  For older LOs the technique is different and you would put down after 2-3 mins even if LO is still upset. 

3 - for naps, using shh pat or PUPD I would try for 45 min max, then take a break, short A time and try again for another nap.  At BT or NWs you do it for as long as it takes.

4 - if you do this for naps and BT all at once she will have more chances to practice . Often night sleep is actually easier than naps.  It's good to have a plan for nights, e.g. If she wakes and it has been three hours since a feed, then just feed and put back in bed.  If less than three hours, use shh pat to resettle all the way to sleep even if you go past the three hour mark, then feed the next time she wakes.  That way she doesn't associate crying for ages with you giving in and feeding.  OT is inevitable when sleep training, but provided she is not in discomfort (I.e. her reflux is completely gone) then at some point she will give in and sleep.

5 - I would start with the first nap of the morning.

6 - stick with shh pat in your arms to get her used to it, and you shouldn't have this problem


Other things that will help are having age appropriate A times and a consistent winddown for naps.  We can help with ideas if you need them