Walking vs being carried

[Emami]

This is a recent problem, but my arms and back need help!  For the last month or so my dd wants me to carry her whenever we go out.  She's never wanted this before, in fact from 13 months when she started walking she's been very independent and wanting to do it herself.  I stopped using the stroller because she would always want to get out and walk.  She's pretty good about holding hands when I need her to, and staying close other times.  We were going to the park every day or just going for a walk for the sake of walking, it was great! 

Now within a minute of leaving home she stops and says UP and never wants to get down!  I know she's still little and I don't mind carrying her in theory. I never refuse her, but it's killing me!  It's worse now the weather's hot, and she is a sweaty 20-something lb lump clinging to me!  She's heavy and makes me hot and uncomfortable too.  Most places we go are around a 10min walk, and once we get wherever we're going she's fine and will get down and play.  I've tried re-introducing the stroller and it worked a couple of times as novelty value, but now she still wants me to carry her and I end up pushing an empty stroller too.  Any ideas how to encourage her to go back to walking?  Thanks!

[Emami]

I should also add she doesn't have any SA and isn't particularly clingy in other ways.  I am a SAHM and she gets plenty of one on one time with me.  At weekends when DH is home if the three of us go out she still wants me to carry her even though he'd be a better option!  But she is fine if the two of them go out together, it's not like she wants me to be around all the time.
She also used to be happy sitting in the grocery cart with a snack or just people-watching, and now wants me to carry her around the store too, which isn't the easiest thing when I'm trying to shop!

[LovelyLilyandJack]

We had this too.  I think we dealt with it by saying "you're getting to be such a big girl now,  you're too heavy for me to carry for long.  I'll carry you til the bush over there and then you'll have to walk (or go in the buggy)". Then i reminded her as we approached the bush,  then when we got there I said "here's the bush.  I'm going to put you down now". I also offered a choice of walking or the buggy.  She had a tantrum at first but I was firm with her options and after a while she knew I wasn't going to give in over it.  I still have to do it now occasionally if she's tired but we don't get any fuss over it any more!

[creations]

I've only used the buggy maybe twice since DS started walking at 13 months.  I do organise trips out based on how far he can manage but there are times he wants to be carried.  Sometimes he is tired but mostly he is bored, it's amazing how they have the energy to play in the park once you get there but grumble about walking there.  Mine is older now, quite a petite boy so not heavy but I do have a bad back and basically I give him no option but to walk.  He has seen me in a great deal of pain unable to bend or barely walk myself when my back has been bad (always after a phase of teething or illness when I have picked him up repeatedly during the day and night or held him for long periods to comfort him) and I've explained to him why I can't pick him up.  If he complains whilst walking I will stop, get down to his level and have a little chat and hug then continue, I also suggest a little rest on a bench if there is one, sing marching songs to make it more entertaining, give him the option to run holding hands so we get there faster, or walk slowly if he prefers, etc.  I think for a LO it is so comforting to be held in arms and also they are so small they may feel they are missing out on sights and sounds, conversation is easier when in arms rather than being several feet lower down.  tbh I don't like to refuse him but I know I have to save myself for when he REALLY needs me to pick him up.  I also now have extremely sore tendinitis in my arm (tennis elbow and golf elbow and no I don't play either) from holding him and playing with him so even more reason to reserve picking up for the important and unavoidable times.  I think if you are already suffering with back and arm pain you do need to make changes now before it gets worse.

With supermarket shopping we have a routine where DS begins walking, helps to fetch all the fruit and veg and put them in the trolly, very interactive.  Then we head to bakery where he also helps until he chooses his snack/lunch from the fresh baked goods (something like a cheese twist, not cakes or cookies) and is lifted up in the trolly to eat whilst I quickly do the central aisles which don't take me that long. I also carry fruit and drink so he is fully fed and watered.  When he starts to get a bit fussy he is lifted out and from there on I ask him to help push the trolly and pick up a few items.  He gets to play in the toy aisle for several minutes at the end of the shop then it's back in the trolly and head to the check out.  After check out and being patient in the trolly he gets 2 or 3 minutes playing on one of those machines like a school bus or ice cream van, the sort you put money in but I don't put money in (!), he just plays make believe on it and I join in.  The point here is that the trip is broken up into several different parts so it doesn't all seem like one long slog for him.  He also gets to take part rather than just watch, and when he is in the trolly gets the food and lots of chat so he doesn't feel forgotten.
it takes time to establish routines and expectations but I do think you can just tell your LO you need her to walk. Every parent has to do it at some point for some a little sooner for some later.
Good luck!

[Emami]

Thanks for your thoughts Lily & Creations.  I do talk to dd a lot, but I guess I missed the obvious in that I should talk to her more about the actual walking part!  Like when I'm carrying her I'll ask if she wants to walk and if she says no I'll keep talking about the pretty butterflies or whatever, and haven't really gone back to the issue and explained to her that I can't always carry her or tried to turn it into a game.  I always pick her up when she asks because I don't want to refuse her that comfort, but I actually think she's being lazy more than it being anything emotional! I also thought it was a phase when she first started doing it, but now it's been a while I do think I need to tackle it!

[LovelyLilyandJack]

I remember worrying that lily would feel rejected if I didn't carry her too.  We did the same as creations and got down on her level andioffered her a cuddle there.  She normally said she didn't want a cuddle,  she wanted an "up". We also do lots of running races / first thing one to touch the lamp post etc m, and more recently,  stickers or treats if she reaches a certain point in the walk without being carried or using the buggy. Good luck! 

[creations]

I don't want to refuse her that comfort

I totally understand this. I think it's worth having a think about people who physically cannot lift a child, for any mobility difficulty or disability or when the child gets too big to be carried by even the strongest parent.  None of those kids need to feel rejected or loss of love, but the hug and the walking do become separated.  There are diabled parents who have never picked their kids up, ever, but their kids are stilled deeply loved nd feel deeply loved yk?
I would just be straight and tell her you can't do it any more, offer hugs, offer validation of her wants, offer breaks in the walk to rest but just make her walk.  Maybe plan shorter trips for a while then build up.

[anna*]

I CANNOT carry Audrey far. She is 14kg/31lb - for context, that's around the same as a 3.5year old (who I would NOT expect to be carrying any significant distance) on the 50th centile.

I just don't have the strength to carry her more than a few minutes, even in a carrier or sling it's not feasible for me to walk more than a little distance without getting tired and grumpy. So her choices are walk or buggy. That's it. She can walk (holding hands or holding onto the buggy as appropriate) but if she's not going to walk she has to go in the buggy. I know from bitter experience that if I pick her up she will be furious with me when I put her down so best not even go there when we are out and about. If she's begging for UP, UP, I get down to her level, give her a cuddle, and remind her that she can walk or go in the buggy. If she doesn't walk, buggy it is, and we just ride out the ensuing tantrum. She is getting better at accepting these as her two choices, and better at holding hands when I say it is time to. Again, sometimes the choice is 'hold hands or buggy'.

[Emami]

Well today we were out and I was prepared to be firm about it and she didn't even ask!  Just said "hand" and held mine the whole time Hope it continues, but thanks for your advice ladies!

[creations]

She likely sensed the change in approach from you and knew there was no point asking
There are so many things we are afraid to ask of our LOs and really they are very cooperative and caring souls when we need them to be.
Hope your back and arms feel better now from a little less carrying!