6 month old sleep has gone from bad to non existent

[Mrsmercurious]

My son is almost 6 months old and has never been a good sleeper.  He was colicky for the first 3-4 months, and the only thing that soothed him was to nurse him. So he nursed a lot and did a lot of comfort nursing.

In those early weeks he had terrible gas and was up a lot in the night with gas pain. I ended up holding him at night and nursing in bed. We ended up bed sharing, even though that wasn't the plan. I would hold him in my arms all night, but ateast he would sleep. And when he woke up (usually every 2 to 3 hours), I would nurse back to sleep quickly. It wasn't ideal, but it worked.

But he has become completely dependent on nursing to sleep. To the point that I must be in bed with him for every nap and at night. I just can't do this anymore. I have a 5 year old and I'm starting work again soon. I need time in the evenings. I want to spend time with my daughter. I'd like to go out to dinner with my husband or have sex or do just about anything normal people do.  It's just taking a toll on everyone in the family.

The latest problem is that for the last few days, he'll nurse to sleep for naps, but really struggles at night. He nurses for a while but then pulls off and just fusses and cries. But he can't put himself to sleep. I've tried putting him his crib in our room, but he gets frantic. I've tried putting him down next to me in bed and he cries. My husband will walk him to sleep, but the second he tries to put him down he wakes up screaming.

For the last 2 nights we've hardly slept at all. I'm really desperate at this point and don't know what to do.

I can't CIO. Even if I was comfortable with it, he gets so frantic and has no ability to self soothe. He gets so worked up even if I'm sitting right next to his crib talking to him and soothing him.

My daughter was always a great sleeper and unjust don't know what to do anymore. I know I've created a bad situation with always holding him and nursing him for hours. But now what? I'm just stuck and feeling quite helpless.

Thanks!
Alex

[debo620]

Can he sleep in his own room?

At this age you would want to separate feeding from sleeping. So feed him when he wakes and away from his room. When he is getting tired ( maybe at 2-2.5 hrs) start a new nap routine. That might be drawing the blinds, singing a song etc and the put him in his bed. When he cries you go to him and try to soothe him with your words. If frantic you pick him up but then put him immediately back down.  The point is to reassure him that you are there but it's his job to sooth himself.

This might take at least 3 days but maybe even a week. It is difficult but you can't PUPD for one or two days and then give up-- it just makes it harder next time. Personally it would do this for all naps and bedtime..

[jessmum46]

Have you heard of the gentle removal plan?  Nursing to sleep can be a really hard prop to break but this is a gentle way for both of you - Gentle Removal Plan

PUPD would also be appropriate, would probably work quicker but involve more crying.  It kind of depends - are you a 'slowly and gently' kind of person or a 'rip the bandaid off' type?

[Mrsmercurious]

Thanks for your thoughts. 

Unfortunately we can't put him in his own room right now.  We are living in Europe temporarily, for my husband's job.  We just arrived yesterday (after I posted my question) and will be here through June.  We are living in a small 2 bedroom apartment.  My daughter is sleeping in the 2nd bedroom.  I obviously can't put him in with her, because at least one of my kids needs to be sleeping.  The living room is small and doubles as an office, so we can't put him in there because I'll be working from home beginning next week.  I need him in a separate space for naps and night time sleep.  I guess it's possible for us to sleep on the pull-out couch in the living room temporarily if it comes to that.  But eventually we'll be moving back into the bedroom with him, so I'm not sure it makes a big difference.  Once we return home in June he can be in his own room, though our hope was to put him in with sister if he is ever sleeping well enough.

Once we've adjusted to the jet lag a bit more, we hope to do PU/PD.  I've tried it in the past without much success.  He will start out rather calm, but eventually starts fussing.  Once he's really crying and I PU, he quiets down immediately.  So, I have PD at that point.  But he immediately cries again and then crying just gets more and more frantic them more times I pick him up.  He always calms down rather quickly, but gets so upset right away.  I've persisted for up to 2 hours in the past before giving up.  But we're ready to try again.

Any suggestions?

Thanks!

[jessmum46]

2 hours is really not that unusual when starting out with PUPD - after all you are changing everything about the way LO knows how to get to sleep.  It is tough though, and I'd encourage you to post on the PUPD board when starting so we can support you through it.

One of the keys to success with PUPD (other than consistency) is making sure the routine is right and age-appropriate.  If the routine is off, no amount of PUPD will make a baby who isn't tired go to sleep, and an overtired baby is always harder to settle.  Did you want to post your routine here so we can have a look before you get started?

[Mrsmercurious]

Thanks. I wish I could say we had a consistent schedule but his sleep has always been so poor and inconsistent that we haven't been able to establish anything.  I'm still in the mode of letting him sleep whenever he can.

But generally, we wake up at 7.
7 he nurses
8 we leave for a 25 minute walk to his sisters school
8:15/8:30 he falls asleep in the stroller or carrier
This nap can last anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours.
When he wakes up I nurse him
90-120 minutes after he wakes, I nurse him to sleep
He naps for 60-90 minutes
60-90 minutes after that I nurse him.
At 3 we walk to pick up his sister and depending on the time/length if the previous nap, he sometimes falls asleep in the stroller/carrier.
If he doesn't sleep then, I nurse him down around 4.
He sleeps for 45-90 minutes.
Around 6:30 we start bedtime.
We start with a bath
We read a book with his sister
I bring him into the bedroom and nurse him
I sing a lullaby and tell him it's sleepy time
He usually falls asleep easily, but rarely sleeps more than 30-45 minutes
He wakes up and is awake until 9ish
Then I nurse him again and try to get him back to sleep

Until a week or so ago, I could transfer him into his car seat in the crib
But that doesn't work anymore.
He won't go down in his crib either.
Sometimes I can get him to sleep next to me in bed.
Sometimes I have to hold him.
But no matter what I do, he wakes constantly.
Sometimes he only sleeps for 30 minutes at a time.
The only way to get him back down is to nurse him.
My husband can occasionally get him to sleep by jiggling him and rocking him and swaying him.
But once he tries to put him down, he wakes up immediately.
And then I end up nursing him.

It's pretty awful.

I'm willing to try Pantley or PUPD, I'm just not sure what to do.
I'm so exhausted and now jet lagged with the move from New York to Paris. I'm also not sure if it's worth trying to do anything with him while he is also her lagged and sleeping worse than even usual.

Thoughts?

Thank you for reading!

[jessmum46]

No I wouldn't try anything just yet, give him a few days to get over the jet lag, and just get some sleep into you all as best you can.  But then get started - the sooner you tackle this, the sooner you all should be able to get some better sleep

What you may need to do if every day is totally different is take an approach Tracy recommended for establishing a routine for the first time.  It can be quite tough but what she suggested was sticking rigidly to set times for WU, naps and BT for several days to set LOs body clock.  You might find this link helpful: Starting E.A.S.Y. at Four Months or Older. You wouldn't use the four hour routine suggested in the link as that would be more appropriate for a four month old baby, but rather aim for something like:

WU 7am
Nap 9.30am for 1.5-2h
Nap 2/2.30 (3h after first nap ends) for 1.5-2h
BT 7pm

Or you can look here: Sample EASY Routines from 0 - 13mths+ for some other suggestions, bearing in mind that a two nap routine is likely the most appropriate to aim for at this age.

If you could plan to start on a day where you can stay home for 2-3 days instead of having to make trips out that would probably be the best option.  Start first thing in the morning and be consistent with PUPD for all naps, BT and NWs.  For naps you try for 45 minutes before taking a short break, feed if you need to (don't let him fall asleep - if he is dozing, sit him straight up) and them go back to PUPD for the rest of naptime.  At BT and NWs you do it for as long as it takes for him to go to sleep. 

Have a look here to ensure you are doing PUPD in an age-appropriate way: How to PU/PD (inc age adaptations)

I'd also suggest you make yourself a plan for overnight feeds.  If he is used to nursing frequently at night it is a bit tough on him to go straight to no feeds - and it would be entirely reasonable for him to still need one or two night feeds at this age.  What I would suggest is to note the time his BT feed starts (e.g. 6.30pm) and then make a note of 4h later (10.30pm).  If he has a NW, check the time - is it before 10.30pm?  If yes, then use PUPD to get him back to sleep.  All the way to sleep, even if it takes you past 10.30pm.  He has to learn that protesting for long enough does not lead to mum and dad giving in and feeding him - that just reinforces the prop.  If it's after 10.30pm when he first wakes, then note the time, feed him immediately and put him back down.  It is ok to feed to sleep on these occasions, but if he needs help settling use PUPD as before.  Next time he wakes do the same - has it been 4h yet?

The first few days will be tough, but the more consistent you are, the quicker he will get it.  It is normal for LOs to have very short naps or even no naps the first day or so, but at some point the fact they are so exhausted starts to work in your favour as LO will just not be able to fight sleep any more. 

How do you feel about all of that?

[Mrsmercurious]

Thanks so much for your reply. I think that all sounds good.

I guess my biggest question about PUPD is how long do you let it go on if the baby isn't falling asleep.  When I've tried in the past, I've given up after 90-120 minutes because he just Became so inconsolable and was not even calming down when I picked him up.  Once we tried a couple of weeks ago and he tried so hard he threw up and, because he was on his back, started choking. Thankfully I was in the room and was able to pick him up. But, as you can imagine, that put an end to our attempts for a while.

Do you think it makes sense to pick a day, maybe this weekend, to just go for it and do PUPD for all sleeping. Or would it make sense to start with naps or start with bedtime?

Thanks so much for your time.

[jessmum46]

You PUPD for 45 mins for naps, take a break, then try again.  For BT and NWs you do it as long as it takes.  2h is not unusual for when you first start, but I appreciate it is stressful.  Tracy suggested wearing headphones/ear plugs to dull the sound a little just to help you keep your own emotional response more controlled.  You can still hear and respond to LO, it just means the stress levels come down a bit. 

If you have an age-appropriate routine you are more likely to have success with it and hopefully the marathon sessions should be kept to a minimum.

I would pick a day to go for it and start with nap 1, and be consistent for all naps, BT and NWs (apart from night feeds as I suggested above)