2.5 year old help

[Jacksons dad]

My son will be 3 this may. Me and his mom are not together. She recently moved out of her parents and has no where to live so she asked me to have him until she figures things out. I don't think she payed alot of attention to him. Recently I have been having really big issue with getting him to bed. He will either come out asking for a kiss or hug. He will come out every 2 mins. Or he will cry and scream I want my daddy. He always wants me to sit beside his bed now or lay in bed with him (which I don't). I don't know what to do. I don't want him to get use to me sitting beside his bed.

[jenn1975]

Hello there. I'm not sure exactly where to suggest to start but if he's not used to any type of routine, I would give it a shot now. Hopefully soneone will have more knowledge as how to start one with an older child.

Does he nap? How/where does he usually fall asleep? How long does he sleep at night?

There are a couple of methods used here to help a child learn to sleep independently. One is called walk in, walk out, and the other is called gradual withdrawal. They both require a lot of consistency and patience. Since I've not had to use either I'm hoping someone who has can offer help. Or another suggestion.

It must be difficult for you but you've come to the right place. Hang in there and keep asking for help.

[michaeljacknnugg]

I know this might go against the grain a bit, but for now I'd recommend that you stay with him. Cuddle him, reassure him. He's just gone through the change of living with one parent to being with the other. Once he feels secure you can withdraw, but for now he likely really needs you. He's only little and this is an age where separation anxiety is strong.

[*Ali*]

Do you think perhaps he is feeling a little insecure because he is now living in a new house without his mum? Maybe he just needs some extra comfort until he feels more at home with his new situation.

Do you know if he was an independent sleeper before he came to live with you? Did his mum used to stay with him while he fell asleep? Did she or you ever use cry it out or controlled crying (leaving LO to cry alone for increasing periods of time) that might have broken the bond of trust that his needs will be attended to and he isn't going going the abandoned?

Walk in walk out is not a sleep training method to teach independent sleep really. It is more for getting back on track with a toddler who has previously been an independent sleeper. If he was never an independent sleeper or he seems to need that extra comfort due to his upheaval then I would definitely choose gradual withdrawal. There is a FAQ here with info on how to do it. Essentially it would be sitting in the room with him but moving away over several nights or weeks until you are out the door and he is falling asleep by himself.

[Jacksons dad]

I have 50/50 custody of him. So he was always with me every other week. Never had a problem until last week or the week before. His mom never stayed in his room.Her family members told me she has locked him in his room when he goes to bed and won't let him out till the morning. I just think he was in a bad situation there and now he's in a stable house he's feeling insecure maybe. I can't leave his side at bed time until he falls asleep

[nevinsmama]

Hi there, so glad you found BW. We are happy to help with your little boy.

Given his history I would make getting out of the room an "end goal". This will not happen quickly if he has been locked in a room and left there all night. I would recommend laying him down and making yourself quite comfortable on the floor or in a chair. I would stay there until he is fully asleep, this will change as he gains some trust in you, and then leave the room. If he wakes in the night and his fussing goes beyond fussing into an actual "I need you!" cry then I would go right in and do the same. When he is showing signs of settling more easily ( could be a few days) then I would start moving further and further away from his bed until you are at the door. Then we will work on getting you out the door!

Is his Mama willing to reconsider how her son is sleeping at night as you have a shared custody situation? I would be concerned if there was a fire what the implications could be, besides the impact on your son's emotional health and sleep habits.

About when does he get up each day? Does he nap at all? When is bedtime? All these things can help us know if anything about his day needs to be changed up to help his sleep.

Hope this helps and please let us know if you have any more questions!

[speechie]

I agree with pps...given how stressful things have been and recent changes, I am not surprised he is wanting the extra comfort of you nearby!
Definitely be there for him as he works through any fears or insecurities.
His mom Locking him into his room for the night breaks trust and knowing someone will help him if he is scared, sick, needs something, ....etc.
I am so glad you are responding to his needs. At 2.5 yo, he is still a baby and needs to know you are close.
So glad you are seeking advice from the lovely folks here!
Good luck, and know the most important thing is to respond with love and compassion. Independent sleeping will return in time

[Jacksons dad]

He gets up around 6 am. When my mom is getting ready for work. I start work early so I'm not home when he gets up. He does nap but lately he has been fighting it or only napping for a half hr during the day. At night when I put him to bed I read him his book and he always has to sit on my lap. When the book is done he gets up and crawls into bed and I get up to put book away and he's like daddy sit and points to the floor. It is kinda cute when he says daddy sit. If he is sleeping and I walk out he sometimes wakes up and starts crying and screaming for me. During the night he will wake up and come to my room and crawl into bed with me. I wait 10-15 mins and I get up to put him back in his bed. And he never fusses or cries when I put him back in his bed he just falls right back to sleep.

Thank you everyone

[weaver]

I have to agree that there is nothing wrong is giving him the comfort and reassurance of your presence if he needs it, especially if he's had a lot of upheaval.  I totally agree with Maryn about using gradual withdrawal to help him gain confidence in going to sleep on his own.  It sounds like more of an emotional issue than a routine one.

It is a bit of a paradox but the more you give to begin with, the more trust he will have, and ultimately, the more confident he will be. 

[zeri]

Another voice saying I agree I think if you give him the comfort he needs now, he will feel much more secure sleeping on his own in the future. Is there a way that you and his mom can agree on what the bedtime routine will entail when he is with her? I would fear you might be fighting a rearguard action against insecurity if he continues to be locked in his room when he is with her. In regards to coming out every 2 minutes - at 2.5 years this is not unusual, so he may continue that even after he feeling secure and you have managed to get him back to independent sleep. My son still comes out at least 5 times a night for some reason or another before he settles.
Good luck and I hope it settles down quickly, for both of you 

[Jacksons dad]

3 weeks now and when I put him to bed after reading a book or 2 he still tells me to sit by his bed or he cries and screams. I am now moving to the door instead now. Trying to slowly get him back to his room by himself. I hope it works.

[weaver]

It can be a long hard road sometimes.  Hope the bedtimes are a bit less stressful now for you both, though maybe very long!