Help please! 1 year old major sleep issues. Failing mummy :'-(

[Haylz4684]

Hi all, I'm brand new here and really hoping for some advice as I'm at my wits end and feeling like a failing mummy 
My little girl is 1 in a couple of weeks. She is breast fed but can take a bottle. I have major sleep issues for bedtime and nap time and have no idea what to do first!
I don't even know where to start with this post!
Firstly, we co sleep, I want to stop this because my hubby is on the sofa as he's not comfortable sleeping in bed with her. Because she's been bf it was so much easier when she was smaller to pop her in bed to feed her. It started as something that I did to get an extra hour or 2 in a morning but it's slowly crept up to being all night and now I actually put her to bed in my bed 
Next, I'm trying to wean her off bf but she's such a boob monster it's proving a real challenge. I did succeed in stoping through the night which resulted in her sleeping through for the first time 2 weeks ago! But then she got poorly and wouldn't settle without the boob and now were back to square one with her feeding 2/3+times in the night. She also wakes around 4 for the boob then is up for the day about 5.30/6 on a good day.
My next issue (sorry for the huge post) is that she can't self sooth. I have to feed her to sleep for bed and naps and subsequently she will only nap on my knee unless were out in the car/pram. I have tried the retreat method but I could never get her to just fall asleep and now she can stand she just stands up in her cot and screams! This is probably partly because she's not used to sleeping in her cot.
As you can see I have so many issues and I don't know which one to address first 
I feel like I've really failed at this parenting and it upsets me that I have got myself into such a mess.
Please can someone help me, I'm feeling fairly desperate now!
Her day goes very roughly like this

Up 5.30/6 bf
7.30/8 nap 30 mins (on knee)
Breakfast 8.30 (she's not a big eater, I think also because she bf through the night)
11.00 nap for 30/40 mins (on knee/car)
12/12.30 lunch
1.30 nap for 30/60 mins (on knee/car)
3.00 snack
5.00 dinner
5.30 bath
6/6.30 bed

All naps are with a bf as she kicks off if she can't feed to sleep. I would like to move her bedtime but she's shattered by 6 and will cry. If I keep her up later it makes no difference to her wake up in the morning and I end up with a very grumpy baby the next day!

Thank you all for taking the time to read this
Hayley xx

[4isstillnighttime]

You are definitely not a failure! She sounds like a well-attached, confident little girl, and you sound like a lovely, caring mum.

I don't know what to do about your sleep, but I know what it's like to feel like a failure because your baby doesn't sleep! And it's rubbish - mine now sometimes STTN and I'm exactly the same mum I always was!

Good luck!

[jessmum46]

(((Hugs))), no not a failing mummy at all.  In fact a mummy who sounds like she's done her absolute best to give her LO what she needed over the really tough first few months . If you're ready to make changes now, it is totally do-able.  But never regret the time you've spent building up that strong attachment with your LO.

I've not been in the same position as you, but my thoughts reading your post would be to try a type of gradual withdrawal again, combined with aiming for a two nap routine.  You can look here for some ideas of what others are doing at this age: chronological EASY samples, 10-12 months

Have you read the BW solves all your problems book?  There's a case study in there of co-sleeping and bf to sleep, slightly older LO but you could do similar.  Tracy had parents bring LOs bed (mattress in his case) next to Dad's side of the bed and had Dad get up to do PD (put down) to settle him each time he woke. I think in that case mum slept in the spare room so she was not tempted to give in and feed. After three days they moved LOs bed into his own room and Dad slept next to him on a mattress on the floor, then over a period of days gradually moved the mattress further away.  Do you think something along those lines could work?

Put down is just the age-appropriate version of PUPD.  There would likely be a lot of crying the first few times, but if you see it through I'm sure your LO would learn quickly.  It might be as well to feed LO in a bright room before you try for a nap or BT, then put her into her cot fully awake, just so you aren't worrying that she's hungry when you start out.  Overnight I would either cut the feeds cold-turkey (probably the least confusing for LO) or pick a time that you will not feed before, e.g. 5am.  Whatever suits you is fine.  LO will be a bit hungry overnight the first night or so but it won't hurt her in the long run, and it will help her move those calories back to the daytime. 

What do you think?

[Haylz4684]

Thank you so much for your support and advice. I think your idea of hubby taking over during the night is a really good idea. I'm going to suggest it to him tonight. I think were all ready for a change to be honest. I think sometimes Matilda would like some space from me to sleep especially when it's a warm night but just doesn't know how to do it!
On a very positive note my husband has managed to get her to go to bed with a bottle for the first time tonight!! He's only once attempted to put her to bed and it ended with a lot of stress and tears! So I'm super excited for that!
Thanks again xxx

[jessmum46]

Great job hubbie!!  Let us know how you're getting on and if we can help more

[ewabear]

Hi, you are definitely not a failing mum and you have to understand that LO are very clever and know what to do to make us work very hard.
As they get older it's very difficult to get rid of bad habits so whatever you do do it slow and one step at the time and this way you will not upset DD. You will be surprised how quickly they can learn, it can take few weeks to sort it out and yes there will be crying but only because it will be different to what they are used to. Also remember that crying is a form of communicating and it doesn't mean that they are in pain, but for as long as you are there for them it will be ok. Definitely increase calories during the day to replace NF.
I have needy 10 month old and everytime I think that I cracked it  something else pops out and trust me she is a master in getting me to do things her way. HTH!