Big big hugs, sleep deprivation is horrible
. I'm sorry you're struggling and I'm worried for you, the first year is tough but it shouldn't be tough to the point of making you hate being a mum
do you have support for yourself? Have you chatted to your doctor about how low you're feeling?
It sounds like you've tried a lot of things and I understand that feeling of desperation. We would love to help you with gentle ways to get a routine established and help her settle alone.
Looking at your day I think part of the issue is that you are probably trying for her first nap too early. Sleep cues are notoriously unreliable as LOs get older, and most 9 month olds would handle 3.5-4h awake before needing a nap, possibly a little shorter for the first awake time. Bearing in mind she is probably rather overtired right now I would err on the lower end of that to begin with, but from a 7.30 WU I would try to hold off trying for a nap until 10.30am at the earliest, and possibly even 11am. She will be grumpy I imagine but if she is more tired before her nap, she may not fight you quite so hard. Do your normal winddown, put her down and stay with her for reassurance if needed. Would you feel able to use PUPD? (
How to PU/PD (inc age adaptations) - probably just PD at her age).
I would try for a nap for 45 mins max before taking her out and giving both of you a break. Then try again a little later.
If she naps for less than an hour, I would try to resettle her but only for 15 mins or so. If she doesn't go back in that time she probably won't. Get her up and then make sure she has another good stretch of awake time, at least 3h after a short nap and 3-4h after a longer one before putting her down again. She will probably only need one 'good' nap and one shorter one at this age. Just for reference my DD at 9/10 months was doing something like:
WU 6.30/7
Nap 10.30-12
Short CN 4-4.30/45
BT 7pm
And my DS at 8 months is doing more like:
WU 6/6.30
CN 9-9.40
Nap 1-3ish
BT 6.30pm
What do you think?