SA causing major problems !

[Michaela's Mom]

Ladies, i need your help desperately. Dd's separation anxiety has reached a point where i'm ready to tear my hair out!!! She is being utterly impossible these days.

When i leave for work in the morning, she screams blue murder. When i get home in the early afternoon, i have to keep her in my arms the entire afternoon - if i try and put her down, she screams and cries, if i put her in her walking ring, she may stay there for 5 mins or so, then screams and cries to be picked up, if i put her in her cot or on the floor with all her toys, she'll again stay there for about 5 mins then scream and cry to be picked up, when i put her down for the night, she's so incredibly restless and will wake 5/6 times to reassure herself that i'm still there. I literally cant move until she is in a deep sleep and even then, she can wake at any given moment.

It's not even good enough that i am in the same room as her, i have to be right next to her, holding her or touching her otherwise she just cries.

Last night i went to have a bath once she was down and left dp to watch over her - she woke up screaming after i'd just got in the bath and dp couldn't settle her - needless to say it was the quickest bath i'd ever had (long, relaxing baths are a distant memory to me now). I asked dp to help me get her back down, but dd just screamed and cried when he took her, once she was back in my arms, she settled immediately and went to sleep (restlessly).

Dd slept out at my sister the other evening because they had dampproofed our home and the fumes were making her sick. She didn't fuss once, didn't cry when i left and my sister had no problems whatsoever. WHY is it that she will go to my sister quite peacefully and yet will scream when dp tries to help me out with her? She won't even let dp feed her! I really am at my wits end - I HATE myself for resenting this phase she is going through, but i truly do not get 5 minutes to myself. By the time she's actually sleeping, it's often so late and i'm so exhausted that i just want to crawl into bed and sleep - then dp accuses me of never talking to him anymore - i'm too frikking tired to talk!!!!!!!! 

Dp and i had SUCH a fight over this last night, i was resentful because i have to do EVERYTHING when it comes to dd and he was telling me that it's because i've spoilt her (i think smothered was the word he used!), which resulted in me saying that perhaps if he'd been a more hands-on father, this wouldn't be happening ... GGGGRRRRRRRR ...

PLEASE ladies, is there ANYTHING i can do? 

Sharon

[Shdef]

Hmmmmm... There was an epiode about SA on the telly and Tracy was dealing with it really well (the girl was 9 mo old). She did not let her scream, and the wee girl would always be picked up when she screamed for reassurance. What she did was distraction. She got new toys and she did make the partner work a lot with the baby... The sleeping problem she solved with a mixture of PU/PD (for naps) as well as the gentle disappearing act (for the night). On night one mummy would stay by the bed all night, touching baby, next night stay by the bed not touching, next night a bit further away and so on...

[Katet]

Well in my opinion she trusts you so much that you are the only one she feels safe enough to let out her true emotions... 9mo is hard & being in daycare even harder, as she has to cope with lots more stress than if she were at home with you... in my opinion more time is actually the only thing that will make it better, sleeping next to her, being with her & comforting her & confirming that you will be back for her... not leaving her at daycare without a proper goodbye & also trying to find a comfort item that can be with her when you leave... is she in a centre with more than one carer? if so try to leave her with the same person... hopefully one she has started to feel close to.

Honestly if you feel frustrated & angry with her, you are actually fuelling the fire & making her crave you more as she feels you are pushing her away, when she feels all she needs is time with you, so when you get home can you sit down for 1/2 hour with her & play cuddle etc, I'm thinking as she starts to see you invest time in a positive way without you feeling frustrated she is more likely to let off... at least that is what I was advised with ds#1 & things did improve when I realised it was VERY normal & I had to work with him rather than against it

[Michaela's Mom]

Katet,

Michaela is not in daycare and does stay at home in the mornings and she loves her caretaker - it's just when i get home, the only person she wants is me.. Please don't get me wrong - i love the trust that she has in me, i just wish she'd give a little more trust to dp!  She sleeps with me in the bed at night (dp has been banished to the spare room) and i lay with her and cuddle her until she does fall asleep - naps and nighttime.

I'm fine with her in the afternoons, it's mainly in the evenings when i'm trying to get dinner ready and she's constantly fussing to be picked up or in the early evenings when i want to bath or wash my hair or something trivial like that and she just won't go to dp. I'm with her from 1.30 every afternoon and we play for longer than 1/2 an hour every day - every afternoon is playtime for her. I do work with her energy - she's VERY spirited and has the attention span of a flea!  , but by early evening i'm just so exhausted and i ache all over from her crawliing on me all afternoon or from me having to pick her up so much - she weighs 11.2kg at 9.5 months, so it's not easy to carry her around a lot.

I don't push her away - she knows i am always there and i'm always loving and affectionate with her - she has everything she needs emotionally, but by being there every second that she's awake (except when i'm at work), am i not fuelling her SA? 

From the end of the month, i may be starting work full day, and perhaps this is what we both need right now - i don't want her to become clingy and insecure - what happens if, God forbid, something happens to me and i'm hospitalised or something - how will she cope then?

Sharon

[Shdef]

Well, it looks as if your DH needs to do a lot of distraction when you want to do things without DD...

SA needs fueled though, it is nothing that can be fixed with PU/PD or stuff like that. When Tracy left that wee girl and the mum all they had solved was the sleeping and the girl could spend some time with daddy. She couldn't turn the SA "off" as it is one of the signs for psychological health and needs to be attanded to...

[Colin Macs Mom]

Sharon, you've already got great advice here but I just wanted to offer hugs and say that it's a phase, and the great thing about phases is that they END!

[Katet]

Sharon, I know what you mean about being exhausting with a big child, Liam was 11+ kg at 9mo. He is now 1lmost 15mo & honestly it is only in the last month that he has been really happy with dh, ignoring me over him when he gets home.. once they establish one relationship they then work on the next... her next is probably her carer, so it may take a few months before she trusts dp & also you need to let him have her when she is happy, if you pass her over when she is upset, then it just feeds it & makes it last longer...it is a phase (a XXX hard one at that) but while "Nana wisdom" says you pamper to the SA by spending time, most psychological research says that they actually grow up with higher self esteme when the needs related to SA are met... I have had both my boys be VERY needy & honestly been in tears to my dh over not been given an inch by them, but time has made it easier.
Honestly if you weren't there she'd cope, but she needs to develop security & the more you make her feel secure when she needs it the stronger her ability to build trusting relationships will be later in life... I learnt all this the hard way as I trusted "Nana wisdom" to a degree with my ds#1 & then ended up seeking professional help as we had all manner of difficulties & they did trace back to me thinking "I give him time, he never learns"... well he is very spirited/grumpy & has persistance of incredible preportions & once we "changed" to more "attachment based approaches, well to put it lightly, I stopped hating him & relised what a fantastic child he was... not the little sh!t I thought he was.

[Michaela's Mom]

Thanks guys, i'm feeling a lot better about the whole situation now. I just get so frustated because i feel like i'm all alone in this (because dd wants nothing to do with dp most of the time), I know it's a phase that she'll grow out of and i just have to have the patience to deal with it until she has grown out of it. I also know that the more i answer her SA cries, the more self-esteem she will feel as she gets older. I think i need to learn to relax a bit more and sod it if dinners not on time or the dishes arent done - what's more important right!

And you now, when she falls asleep in my arms and i look down at her beautiful face, all the frustration just melts away and i remember just what a precious gift i've been given.

Thanks again 

Sharon

[Katet]

What about getting dp to do the washing up/ cook up a big casserol & you eat that for a few days/freeze some of it... there was a time that I would cook all weekend & we'd eat "reheated meals"