lochiesmum - first thing I have to say is reading your posts, it looks like you are doing a really good job. The next thing is that as some other mums have already said, it is worth developing this routine and structure for your little man. It does pay off in the end, especially if he is a spirited little boy. They do need that structure. Those other women in your group will probably find that as their babies get older that they will need to have some routine and structure as well. As an example, I have a relative who doesn't really have much of a routine for her kids. They seem like "good" kids but really its because they can do whatever they like whenever. When you do want them to do something they don't want to though, it is very, very difficult because they are not used to following anyone else's rules. Also, her toddler has no bedtime routine so is still wandering around at 10 pm and then falls asleep wherever and gets carried to bed. So it is worth it to start off with a routine from the word go. Also, I think if you are someone who likes routine and structure in your life, then you need the structure as much as your baby does.
What I am going to say next may go against what some people ascribed to but please, fellow board members, don't crucify me too harshly!! My 6 year old was a spirited and baby and is a spirited boy. He also had reflux and sounds like your little man (very happy generally but sleep was unsettled). Have you ascertained what might be causing his frequent wakings? Is he teething (if so, then pain relief might help). Is he windy? (have you tried a paediactric chiropractor?) Is his reflux bothering him? (would some mylanta help?). Is he too hot, too cold, is the room dark enough? OK, so back to my 6 year old. When he was about 4.5 months, after one night of the usual getting up a lot for things other than feeding, I eventually brought him into bed with us and never looked back. It really solved all my sleep problems at that stage. I know that this is not often accepted practice but there are safe ways of doing this and if it is a comfort thing (which it might be), then it really worked for us. (sometimes though being in bed with parents can be too stimulating for a child) ANyway, he is now 6 years old, is a good sleeper and goes to bed on his own, in his room and stays there all night. Once his emotional need to be close to us at night reduced, it was easy to transition him back to his bed for the whole night. (He did always start out in his own bed). With our second DS who is now 13 weeks old, I have from the word go, had him in bed with us and generally sleeps well except for waking up for a feed or if he is windy, growth spurt etc.
Anyway, I hope that things settle down for you so that you get to have more sleep.
