DESPERATE HELP NEEDED!Getting 21 month old into own bed plus some "rambling"

[mommyforever]

Hi everyone,

Hope all is well...we have a problem and need help desperately!!

We have a 21 month old little boy.  Our first child, of course, which will be obvious once you see the problem. 

First, a little history.  I had a wonderful, fairly uneventful pregnancy.  However, once he was born, I became very ill.  It resulted from 7 (yes 7) failed epidurals.  I ended up with what was called a spinal headache that wasn't diagnosed until a month after he was born.  If you've ever had this pain, you understand.  If not, it is not something that can be described.  Horrible.  This resulted in a very weak, very much in pain mommy who instead of "sleep training" properly, he ended up in bed with daddy and me to avoid crying.  So, sleeping with us is all he has known.  I know (BAD MOMMY).  I take full responsibility.  He also was diagnosed with very bad acid reflux where he had to be elevated after eating and during nightime feedings it was "easier" to feed and have him elevated on my arm. 

Fast forward to today, he is now 21 months old and has never slept a night totally on his own.  He also got used to a night time bottle, so even though he doesn't have a bottle during the day, he has to have one at night.  Sometimes he will drink 3 bottles at night just to soothe.  I know he cannot possibly be hungry as he eats wonderfully during the day.  I am convinced he takes all the bottles at night only to prolong time awake.  Sometimes he'll have the bottle in his mouth and doesn't drink, it just sits there and he latches on for dear life.  But, he cries for it every night and does not have an easy time taking "no" for an answer when it comes to his "ba-ba".  He doesn't sleep well even when he's in bed with us.  I am sure that when we move around it causes him to stay awake.  He always goes to sleep with us in the bed with him while drinking a bottle.  He is like clock work on his bed time which is one good thing.  Between 9:30-10:00, he asks for a bottle and his blanket and stands at the door to the bedroom.  We have tried earlier and later bedtimes due to the fact that our doctor suggested that sometimes babies don't get enough sleep or get too much.  Once asleep, he gets transferred to his crib, where he'll usually sleep until midnight or so.  I will also add that his crib is in our room, the main reason for that is that our master bedroom is on the bottom floor and his bedroom is upstairs. 

Before finding this site, we have had several people tell us the "cry it out" method.  Among those suggestions, 2 of them were from our family doctors.  I finally convinced myself and hubby to try it for a few nights to see what happened.  We agreed to each other to be strong, however, after 6 minutes my husband broke down and refused to budge on trying that again.  We are at our wits end...

I will also add that hubby and I were high school sweethearts.  We waited until we were finished with college and had good careers before starting a family.  We were married for 13 years before becoming pregnant with Logan.  So, needless to say, we "were" a very strong couple with a wonderful bond.  We had words every once in a while, but nothing severe.  We've always been deeply in love and committed to our marriage.  We thought a baby would only add to the love.  However, once born, and the sleeping ended we have become almost distant enemies.  We both work very hard at our careers and never realized how much sleep was dependant upon being successful.  My husband blames me deep down for starting the baby's routine off the wrong way.  Even though I admit it, I regret him feeling that way.  Hubby is all the time frustrated and it shows.  He's constantly, every night, during our "why can't we get him to sleep" middle of the night routine rolling his eyes and breathing very deeply.  We wake to start our day just glaring at each other and I would say 99% of the time I leave the house feeling very empty and wondering how what is supposed to be the "perfect family" has taken this path.  I have NEVER contemplated divorce, and now that our "dream" is here, I would say I've contemplated it every day.  I know it's lack of sleep and feeling depressed as a result that causes these feelings, but I just don't know what to do.  I didn't work at my marriage for all those years to let it come to an end, but through the eyes of a very busy life, I just cannot handle the stress. 

I know this isn't a marriage forum, but I posted in hopes that I am not alone.  I don't blame Logan one bit, I take 100% of the blame.  It's not his fault, he doesn't know anything other than what I've provided.  I also don't think it's fair to him to see our daily jabs at each other.  I know he picks up on this and as much as I've promised myself to stop, when the moment hits, I don't hold back as much as a "good" mommy should. 

One more question to throw in.  Does anyone have experience with post partum depression?  I've never had a depression issue, so to even think this is possible is hard for me to admit.  Just recently I've wondered if this is part of what I'm experiencing.  What makes me shy away from thinking this is me is the fact that he is almost 2 years old.  Is it possible to be experiencing this for this long?  I haven't taken the time to go to the doctor because I keep telling myself it is ridiculous.  Not to mention the time limitations.  I literally am "on the go" from 6am-10pm most days.  I still suffer almost daily from the head pain (that I assume stems from the birth).  I know I need to see a doctor, if nothing else for the head/back pain, but was wondering if you had any suggestions on mentioning the way I've been feeling emotionally and mentally?  Some days I just break down when I'm alone and can't "shake" the feelings. 

I am so sorry this rambled on so long.  I have not been able to tell anyone my feelings and I guess I got carried away.  This started off asking for help to get my sweet angel to sleep on his own and turned into an hour of therapy. 

If anyone has any suggestions on my many rambles, please let me know...I thank you in advance to making this far in my "issues" and apologize again for letting things spill.

Sincerely,
Desperate mommy

[Erin M]

Hi there--

First off, I think you need some very big (((hugs))). 

Secondly, if you're concerned about PPD, please visit the PPD forum - here's the link
https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?board=60.0

While I don't know a whole lot about it, the ladies there can most definitely help you out. 

Third, I think you should mention everything to your doctor -- the headaches/back pain/ depression and see what kind of answer you get.  I had horrible headaches resulting from post-concussive syndrome for about 8 months a few years back and I feel your pain of having debilitating headaches every day.  It really is so hard.

Next, this is easy for me to say because I'm not you, but PLEASE let go of the guilt you have from when Logan was little.  IMO you did absolutely nothing wrong, you were a loving and caring mommy who did just what you needed to in order to provide for her son.  Babies can't sleep when they're in pain, so you did what you needed to to help him sleep.  A mommy can't be as good of a mommy as she wants to be when she's in pain, so you did what you needed to to keep him happy and comfortable.

Now, about the sleeping...first off, have you read any of the Babywhisperer books?  I would recommend the third one that was published -- The Babywhisperer Solves All Your Problems -- since in that book, Tracy goes through some scenarios about teaching LOs to sleep on their own.  In you case, I would try the Gradual Withdrawal method since he is used to you being there.  It is detailed under the Teaching Independent Sleep FAQ on the FAQ board (link is at the top of the board).  Also, can you share Logan's daily routine - eating, sleeping, etc?  That will help quite a bit. 

I'm not sure what to tell you about the bottles b/c I didn't have that particular issue but I'm sure someone else will have some insight on that.

Hang in there!

[mari]

Firstly, can I second what Erin said, please stop feeling guilty, you have done nothing wrong, you have tried to make Logan as comfortable and as happy as possible and in your situation, you did it the only way that you knew how, and let's face it, it has worked.  You now need to get some time to yourself to help you work out your troubles, so let's start with helping Logan to get to sleep in his own bed.

I would certainly recommend the Gradual Withdrawl method.  Here is the link:

https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=63896.0

I don't know if you want to start with a cot in your room, or go for a cot in his own room, but I would certainly recommend that you slept in the same room for a while yet.  As for the milk during the night, I wouldn't think that he needs it now, perhaps give him more milk during the day and ensure that he has enough to eat and try substituting one bottle a night for water. 

To try for an earlier bedtime, what is your bedtime routine?  Could I suggest gradually putting him to bed perhaps 15 minutes earlier each night and if you bath him, try giving his bottle before his bath to try to get him out of the habit of bottle and bed.  Perhaps you could try a sippy at bedtime, with a story to help him settle so that he gets out of relying on the sucking.  I'm just trying to give suggestions to see if anything might work for you.

I am sure that you will find lots of advice and plenty of support from the lovely community here.  Good luck and keep us posted.

[mommyforever]

Thank you both for your kind words and advice so far.  I will read the links provided and see where we can get.  It certainly helps to know you don't think I should feel guilty.  I truly lie awake at night wondering why I messed everything up. 

Looking forward to your replies...and thanks again...

Belinda

[mari]

Sorry, I just read through your post again and was wondering if you were planning to move your son into his own room or do you just want him in your room but in his own bed?

[joaquinsmom]

I'm going to start with the "DO NOT FEEL GUILTY" thing too    You were in pain and did what you had to do. I was not in pain or anything of the sort after ds and dd were born, and I still did accidental parenting and I am currently TRYING to get 32 month old ds and 11 month old dd to sleep in their own rooms. So you are doing way better than I am  

I would recommend a few things:
1. Can you fix up his room, like say decorate it with his favorite cartoon character or something like that to make it more appealing to him? If you make a big deal out him having his own room and fill it with things he loves, he could start wanting to spend more time in it and maybe even sleep in it down the road.

2. Does he sleep during the day? When my ds sleeps during the day it takes FOREVER to get him to go to sleep at night. I mean, he can sleep half an hour in the afternoon and that is all it takes to turn him into psycho baby until 2 or 3 in the morning. When he doesn't sleep during the day he's more tired and so he usually doesn't resist bedtime as much. On the other side, we have to deal with a lot more tantrums at night because he's so tired, so we're still trying to figure that one out.

3. Make sure you don't go from one bad habit to another one. Ds used to sleep in our bed, so then I started laying down with him in his bed until he fell asleep. I got him into his own room, but then it got to where I would spend 2 or 3 hours in his room waiting for him to fall asleep. It was torture!!!! My point is, he needs to understand that the ultimate goal is for him to go to sleep in his own room on his own, even if the road to that is a long one.

4. Consistency is the MOST IMPORTANT THING! And it's soooo hard! Some days I just want to say the heck with it and give in, but you can't let yourself do that. And he'll probably cry and won't be happy about the change, but it's something that has to be done and the sooner the better. And it really takes twice the time to form a good habit than it takes to form a bad one. I've found that if I let my ds sleep with me once, it undoes the work of weeks! I have been at this sleep training for the past month, and still they are not getting it. They are getting better, but there are days that when they finally fall asleep I just go to my room and cry because I'm sooooo tired. You have to tell yourself it's worth it though. If you're convinced this is for the best, you will be able to keep calm and kids sense that, so your ds will be able to relax if he can see that everything is ok because mommy is ok.

And I can totally relate to what you are describing with your marriage. Dh and I had only been married 8 months when I got pregnant. We were thrilled, but after ds was born we went through one of the hardest times in our marriage. Lack of sleep and stress and my guilt and anger at him for not feeling the same way I felt, and him feeling like I had turned into some mommy monster overnight was not a good combination. But we got through it and even did it again! You can get your relationship back, but you have to get ds in his own room. You guys are busy all the time, and then you get home and you have absolutely no time alone together at all, that's got to put a strain on your marriage. With our new routine the kids are in bed by 9 at the latest, and after that dh and I get to spend a little time together, watch tv, read, whatever, but it's soooo nice! and then we get to go to sleep together and talk for a little while before falling asleep (even if we do end up waking up with two little extra guests in our bed every morning...).

I recommend going trough the PPD forum too. They are very helpful there, and I learned that PPD can show up pretty much at any time, and the fact that you think maybe you are depressed means you need some sort of support, even if it's only a few virtual shoulders to lean on.

Good for you for not doing CIO again. I personally found it just made it worse. I think it's been so hard to get ds to go to sleep on his own because we tried CIO a couple of times and it just scared him so much, and made him associate bedtime with stress and mommy crying and just all around bad things. I thought it was really sweet that your dh was the one who couldn't stand to hear your ds cry.

Good luck, you can do this, you just have to convince yourself that it's worth it. When ds was little someone on this site told me to bite the bullet and get serious about teaching him good sleeping habits or I would end up trapped in a toddlers room for hours, resenting him for keeping me in there. I didn't listen, and I ended up exactly like that. So this time I'm being consistent even if it's hard.

HTH

Jennifer