FRUSTRATED & TIRED

[appletree]

   
I'm sitting here in bed crying because I'm at a total loss as to what to do with our 1 year old.  I've posted on several different boards about sleeping and SA and have gotten no response so I'm frustrated and tired and have no idea what's wrong or what I'm doing wrong.

1 Year old foster daughter has always had probs sleeping through night but naps were good during day.  Now, she screams (blood curdling, I swear she's in severe pain but can't find any prob) and stands in her bed and throws herself around even into sides of bed. Arches her back and will topple over. I try to do pu/pd and sometimes she'll settle down and stop crying but mostly she just will scream and arch her back in my arms - very rigidly.  Last night I did this with her 4 times and each time lasted a minimum of 20 mins. The longest being 1 hr. 15 mins.  When she does settle in my arms, the minute I put her down it starts all over again.  She does this now at naptimes at school and home too.  She will also scream if I leave the room or am not directly interacting with her.  Visits have increased with biomom, she started eating solid food, she just got her bottom 2 teeth (first ones), she was sick for 5 or 6 days with a virus that caused a rash, fever, and constipation; I think that's all the new stuff that could be affecting her.  She used to be such an unbelievable happy baby and now we're miserable. 

I am hoping someone will come to my rescue here and give me some advice or something.

Wendee

[em_here]

}}}}}Huge hugs{{{{{{{

Can you post your routine, maybe someone can have a look and see if the problem lies there?

[* Paula *]

Hugs, I am sorry you are going through such a rough time.

Is your lo doing this at any other time during the day, or is it only at nap and bedtimes?

When my DS was constipated when he was younger, he would do exactly the same thing as you are describing, throwing himself around, arching his back etc.  Do you think your lo could still be constipated?

How does she react when she is with Biomom?  Do you think this could have a lot to do with seperation anxiety?

She could very well be teething too - does she settle any better after any pain meds?

Sending you loads of hugs 

[appletree]

Thanks to both of you for replying. 

Her schedule is like this:

7:15 a.m. up for day
8 a.m. eats brkfst
9:30 a.m. morning snack if hungry / bottle (4 oz.)
10 a.m. lay down for nap
11:15 a.m. Up from nap
11:30 ish a.m. eats lunch
1:30 p.m. bottle (4-6 oz.)
2:ish p.m. lay down for nap
3:45 p.m. up from nap
4:00 p.m. small afternoon snack
5:00 p.m. bottle (4 oz.)
6:15 p.m. dinner
7:30ish p.m. bottle is offered but not usually taken
8:15 p.m. lay down for night
*she stirs quite a bit from now til 1st nighttime wakeup
12:30 a.m. Up - screaming
1:45 a.m. Up - screaming
2:45 a.m. Up - screaming (we HAD eliminated nighttime feedings but then I found out she wasnt eating dinner or drinking bottles at biomoms visits so I gave in the past 4 nights between 3 a.m & 4 a.m.)
3:30ish am. Up - bottle (6-7 oz. - usually gone in 5-10 mins.)
5:45 a.m. up - bottle (4 oz.)
7:15 am. up for the day................................

We try to keep the same exact routine and schedule whether she's at home or at school but the screaming and back arching, etc. is limited to nap & bedtimes or whenever I walk out of a room & she wants me (tho at this time it's not near as extreme).

We've had her since she was 4 mos. old so she's very bonded to us and not so much to her mom. She does like her mom & won't throw a fit when we drop her for a visit but I don't think the SA is associated to not being with her biomom.  She does ok with the SA as long as there is someone taking care of her that she is used to (ex: her primary teacher, my oldest son, dh, biomom) she does well with all of these as long as I'm not there. If I am there then it has to be me.

I keep thinking the nighttime problems seem like constipation as her tummy is SO TIGHT and RIGID. Last night I gave her some baby laxative drops (she was with biomom for about 4 hours and I don't know if she pooped while with her but did not with me) and she had 2 big blow outs this morning.

She doesn't settle after tylenol or anbesol typically.  In fact, I thought it may be agitating her more.

I haven't been offering her bottle earlier than 2:45 am. and maybe if I did she'd be better as she seems to calm down after this. HOWEVER, we had done so well eliminating nighttime feeds til 4:45 ish.  She still woke up on average 4-6 times a night but pu/pd worked fairly well and there wasn't a lot (if any) of screaming, etc.

Her biomom says she won't eat while with her and I don't know if she tries real hard. So, it's totally messed up our lo's schedule. AND, I didn't know this at first so she was probably starving from not eating.

She also is offered a sippy cup of water throughout the day (she doesn't like juice).

Any thoughts?  As I'm writing this, it's afternoon nap time and she started out standing in bed screaming.  Then, I offered her bottle and she drank 6 oz. and fell asleep. I know, now it's a prop again. I feel like I just can't win.

Wendee

[Peek-a-boo]

Hi Wendee--

First, {{{{hugs}}}} to you.  It sounds like you have a TON on your plate right now.  Some of these issues, like the emotional disruption from visits with her bio-mom, well, I don't know what to tell you.  I have friends with foster kids and they've mentioned how disruptive visits can be, but I really have no idea how to help you address that, other than to encourage you to be as consistent and predicatable as possible with her routine so that she knows what to expect from you.   

Paula brought up a great point about the gas/tummy issues.  I notice that you said she's just recently started on solids.  Has the arching, etc become worse since starting solids? 

Looking at your routine, it seems like she may be getting too much day sleep for her age.  Three hours is quite a bit for a one year old.  Have you considered shortening her morning nap?  Perhaps start with 45 minutes and then reduce it from there.  This may help with the night wakings. 

And, yes, like you mentioned, feeding before sleeps can definitely be a prop.  I totally understand worrying about her being hungry, but you need to keep a barrier between when she eats and when she sleeps.  If she needs a feed near a sleep time, I would try to do it out of the nursery and then do something--read a book, sing a song, something--before putting her down.

Finally, I notice as you describe your pu/pd technique, it seems like you are too involved in the process.   Here are the age adaptions for a toddler:

Toddler pd -

Do your bedtime routine, lay your child in his crib and stand back. When he cries, go to him, lay him down and stand back regardless of whether or not he is still crying. Repeat as necessary. If he is laying down crying but does not stand, go to him and comfort him briefly. If he is not crying but only stands, ignore him.

At this age you really shouldn't be picking her up at all.  Babies this age soothe best in the crib.  Just lay her down, facing away from you and step back.  Give her the space to figure out how to self-soothe.  Once she seems to be settling, leave the room.  For best results in terms of ending night wakings, you need to be out of the room when she falls asleep. 

Honestly, I think you might consider using wi/wo.  Sometimes it can be really helpful for the LO to go through the process of you leaving and returning promptly for an "I need you" cry.  Every time you leave and return it establishes for her that you are trustworthy--that it's safe to fall asleep without you in the room because you return reliabley. 

I hope this helps a bit.  I wish I had more to offer.   

Bethany

[appletree]

Bethany, thanks for the great ideas.  I realize after reading the toddler sleep issues post that she's too old for pu/pd so I'll start tonite just trying pd.  I'd do wi/wo but she sleeps in our room.  Her brothers sleep in their own room together but sleep throughout the night.  I'm afraid if I moved her into the other room she'd wake them and then I'd have triple the problems. 

Yes, the arching has just started in the past 2 weeks which is about the time we went to solids (big kid foods).  She really likes dairy products (yogurt, cheese) but, is still trying to figure out fruit and veggie textures.  She only likes applesauce altho I keep offering her the others. Do you think I should still be doing babyfood fruits since she's not eating a lot other than applesauce? 

She's not going to be happy about a shorter morning nap but we'll start that tomorrow - I'll be sure her teacher at school is on board too.

No more bottle during nighttime but I will be adjusting her visitation time so that I KNOW she's eating/drinking at dinner time.  Hopefully all this will help.

She went to sleep well tonite - no screaming or waking so far (it's been 3 hrs.) but I gave her a bottle to sleep (last time) and she didn't have a visit today. 

Is there anyway that I can do wi/wo with her in our room? There's not anyway to do a room divider but maybe you have other ideas? 

Thank you so much - I appreciate the help & am hopeful! Wendee 

[Peek-a-boo]

Okay, I'm getting into murky waters in terms of my knowledge here on food issues, but is there any chance she's lactose intolerant?   My DS is and he has crazy night wakings, arches, screams and can't settle if he has any dairy.  It sounds like she's drinking a cow's milk based formula, yes?  So that probably isn't it.  If some of the arching/screaming behavior seemed to start when you started big-kid foods, can you back track and eliminate some foods and see if you can find a culprit? 

About wi/wo, is she going to bed at the same time that you are?  If not, you can just do wi/wo and then slip in later when you are ready to go to bed.   Since you're sleeping in the same room, getting out of the room may not be as big of a deal in your situation.  The thing is that when she falls asleep, you want the room to be the way that it will be when she has a normal little partial awakening during the night.  We all have little partial wakings during the night.  If everything is as it was when we fell asleep, we go right back to sleep and don't remember.  If something is wildly different (like DH has stolen all the covers, LOL) we wake up, fix things, and then go back to sleep.  If you're leaning over the crib, or resting your hand on  her, or anything like that when she falls asleep, when she has a normal little waking, she's going to expect you to be there and be confused and upset that you aren't.   

The key thing in terms of ending night wakings is for you to be removed from her falling asleep process.  So if you are doing toddler pd with her, I would maybe just step back from the crib and sit down on your bed.  That way you're out of her space and line of sight.

When you shorten her nap, you may need to move her afternoon nap slightly earlier. 

Let us know how things go.   

Bethany

[appletree]

Bethany, she had a problem with regular formula so has been on a soy based one since we've had her (about 9 mo.s).  I am going to talk to Dr. on Wednesday about switching to milk - she gets shots this day so I'm sure it'll be a good night then.

Will try all suggestions tomorrow (and tonite with no bottle). She's up now and crying (mantra?) and then will stop and say "hi". Gonna try to go to sleep now - maybe. I'll let ya know how tomorrow goes. Thanks-Wendee 

[zed]

just lurking

[Peek-a-boo]

She's been on soy formula?  Hmmmm, you are going to hate this idea  , but I would seriously try cutting out all the dairy she's been eating.  I know that's going to be hard since that's cheese and yogurt are things that she's eating well, but, wow, the arching, writhing, refusing to settle etc. you describe really sounds exactly like what my DS does when he's had dairy. 

 

[appletree]

What if she's had yogurt for the past 3 months & no problem. Just started adding cheese in last 2 wks. though.  Wendee

[Peek-a-boo]

If the appearance of the behavior you're describing cropped up or escalated since introducing the cheese, I'd try dropping just the cheese.  If there's a potential it's putting her in pain, it could really complicate all the sleep-training stuff. 

I'll come back during my DS's nap when I have a bit more time to write in complete thoughts.  

Bethany

[lisi's mum]

sorry to be jumping in here - yogurt is WAY easier to digest than cheese, or at least for me - I can eat yogurt til the cows come home but there's something in cheese, sour cream and cream that means if I have more than a little I get terrible stomach ache and wind.

I'm afraid that's not very scientific, I have no idea what it is but the higher the dairy fat content the harder I find it to digest, so your LO could really be able to take yogurt, but not cheese.

[appletree]

That makes sense. So, we'll take cheese out but leave yogurt for now & see if there's any change.  Why would it only really affect when she's laying down or getting ready for nap/bed?  So...... probably should keep on soy formula for a little while longer and not start milk?

I appreciate all the help and input - thanks! wendee

[Peek-a-boo]

Thank's lisi's mum for jumping in!    

Personally, I'd drop the cheese for 2-3 weeks and see how that affects her.  Keep up with the soy formula during that time.  After you see if dropping the cheese helps, then maybe talk to her doctor, sharing all that's happened, and see what the doctor thinks about if/when it is advisable to try other milk products.  It is weird that it mostly bugs her at sleep times, so, who knows, it may not be a tummy/cheese thing at all, but something else going on.  I think it is definitely worth pursuing though to rule it out.

I do have to say though, with my DS, when he was about 10 months old we gave him a little cheese with his breakfast 3 days in a row.  All three days he struggled to fall asleep.  He normally sleeps on his tummy with knees tucked under him.  He would get in that position, then kick his legs out, roll onto his back, arch, toss and turn.  It was like he was trying to settle, but his tummy hurt when he put pressure on it and he couldn't get comfy on his back because he wasn't used to sleeping like that.  Then he would wake in the middle of the night screaming, again, unable to settle.  Eventually, we'd get him out of the crib, he'd fall asleep in our arms, sort of stretched out flat with his tummy facing up and then if we tried to lay him down, he'd wake instantly.  We stopped the cheese and the problem stopped.  DH didn't think it was really the cheese causing the problem because he acted like he felt fine while awake, so I posted on the allergy board and several other mothers shared similar symptoms.  Kinda weird, huh? 

About pu/pd vs. wi/wo--sorry if I wasn't very clear last night, my DH needed the computer.  Since you're sharing a room, I think for you the "walk out" part, would just be you going back and lying down in bed.  If she's content or mantra crying, let her be.  If she's giving genuine cries, I'd go to her, lie her down (without picking up), and then go back to your bed, repeating as necessary.  In the end, when she falls asleep, it'll be best if you are away from the crib, out of her line of sight. 

Let us know how things go. 

Bethany