Seperation anxiety and I have no idea how to help him?!?!?

[Kassandra]

When my son was 7 mo old I started using pd to get him to sleep, three months later I could lay him in his crib and he would go right to sleep, however he still woke up at 11 and 1 and needed a few minutes of pd to get back to sleep. Since he use to wake every hour I didn't mind these two nw's.... however, two weeks ago I dropped him off in the nursery at church and he was hysterical. We immediately thought seperation anxiety, so daddy started doing the bedtime routine to help our son adjust to the routine and not the person doing it... we did this for a week, our son screamed his head off the entire proccess. Since that dreaded Sunday he has decided he can't settle himself to sleep any longer. It takes me 20-45 min of pd again to get him to sleep and once again I am a hostage in his room, he checks to make sure I am sitting in the rocking chair. He gets up a couple times in the early evening, and then always around 12 or 1 he is up, I did pd for three hours four times this week... three hours is all I can take before I feel like jumping off our balcony, if dad goes in our son is even more upset.... I have been sleeping on the floor with my hand threw his crib and sometimes that isn't even enough to help him sleep... He's been sleeping on the floor with me after 3am....

How can I help him... this is horrible... I feel like even my presence isn't enough to comfort him... if I do pick him up, because he is crying so hard he can barely breathe, he immediately quiets down, but clings to me for dear life. Last night he whimpered in his sleep for 1.5 hours because he had been crying so hard. Here's his schedule... Please help me help him! Also, my son is now 12 mo old. I've been doing pd for 5 months and he still hasn't slept through the night!

Anytime after 4am I will nurse him once
7:00am wake up
7:15 breakfast
10:00 nap normally 1 hour
11:00 snack
12:00 lunch
1:30 nap normally 1.5 hours
3:30 snack
4:30 daddy comes home
5:30 dinner
play with daddy
6:30 daddy takes son upstairs for bath, pj's and baby lotion
7:00 mommy nurses, brushes teeth, reads story, says prayer and lays son down in crib
last night went like this
8:30 cried, maybe in his sleep, resettled himself
10:45 pd for 10 minutes
12:45-3:30 pd then brought him on the floor with me- immediately feel asleep
6:00 woke to nurse
7:20 wake up (I let him sleep in since he's been up for three hours every night)
p.s. between 12:45 and 3:30am I am doing continuous pd- with a few hugs to help calm his crying. He has a lovey- and a pacifier sometimes- he doesn't use it during the day, doesn't always need it to fall asleep, and if he does fall asleep with it he doesn't wake up because it falls out....

[zed]

I feel your pain.   My youngest is now 15 months.  In cases where he has been really traumatized with SA his sleep has been affected too.  I have just started to be able to leave him with grandparents.  I was taking him to church and staying with him in hopes that he would be comfrotable in the nursery. 

In the last month I haven't been able to go to church and now he will willingly stay with Gpa. and Gma.  I am wondering if my success with the G.parents is b/c I haven't been taking him to a place that he isn't comfy in.  He somehow knows that I want him in the nursery without me (even though I haven't actually left him there). 

In my case teaching my Son that I will comeback in places he already knows has had to come first and the other will come later, I hope. 

Maybe for the next while just give up on church for your LO.  See how he does with an afternoon just with Daddy.  If that goes well then with Grandparents, and when that starts to go well then maybe ease him into the nursery. 

I try to leave my DS at least once a week with Daddy or Grandparents for practice.  I think the more times you leave and come back the faster your LO will trust that you always come back. 

Leaving Lo's for the first while doesn't have to be long.  DH used to hold DS and they would watch me as I lugged the garbage the 200 yards to the end of your driveway.  In the beginning my DS would freak out until I took my shoes off.  He still does when I am unloading the car and have to make several trips to bring everything in.  (He is way better when Daddy is with him) Every time I go out the door I tell him that I will be right back. Then he cries. When he sees me turn toward the house he starts to laugh.  He will do this 10 times in a row but I keep reassuring him and everytime he is just a little less frantic.

I hope this helps

[Kassandra]

Thanks it does help a little... I've resorted to the play time in his crib to remind him that his crib is not a scary place. I'm still sleeping on the floor, but currently DH is upstairs bathing DS and he is just screaming his head off for me.... I don't understand why he is that way with his own father? Yes, I am a stay at home mom, but his daddy comes home every night, and plays with him every night, and gives him a bath every night... should I be worried? Or is this normal behavior for a child to just prefer mom?

Last night was a better night too though... he still got up a few times, but it didn't take three hours to get him back to sleep... only about 1.5 this time. So we'll see how tonight goes, its about to start in 20 minutes! Fingers crossed!

[carrie13]

Hi Kassandra!

Oh how I feel for you!!  We are currently going through a similar situation with our little guy.  I am a stay at home mommy, but I went away for the first time a few weekends ago for 2 days, and although he had a blast with daddy, when I came home our son was more clingy, and that is when the NW started for us.  It got to the point if I was not even in my sons line of view, he would lose all control.  We are still going through the NW, but I try to remain hopeful.  We also got into a very bad habit of rocking our son to sleep which has never been a problem until now.  We tried to let him cry it out, (that was after hours of just trying to get him down for the night) and that's when he decided he was going to propel himself out of his crib... so now we are in a toddler bed, my husband and I are taking every other night when he gets up and for the most part, we to end up sleeping on his floor!  Before we started helping him settle himself to sleep, I would literally rock him for 3-4 hours to no avail!  We maybe sleeping on his floor, but it's better than that darn chair!  LOL 

I'm not real sure what the answer is, I'm still learning as well, but given the desperation I felt, I was willing to try anything... we tried the WI/WO, but given his SA, and how upset he got, we felt the Gradual Withdrawal would be best.  I think it is going to take awhile, but I feel like it will be worth it.  Are you familiar with the Gradual Withdrawal??  Below is a link that other mom's from this site sent me...

https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=80750.0

Also maybe your LO is overtired?  If they get overtired then they sleep less and less. Something else I'm learning about... this is a great site, and to have support from other mom's going through the same thing helps me breath a little easier...

Big Ol' Hugs to you!!!

-Carrie

[zed]

I agree Gradual withdrawl is probably better especially with a child that is younger than a year.  My youngest is 15 months and WI/WO still isn't the answer for him.  I tried that for 2 weeks and got no where with him.  B/c my son is older I have been leaving a 4 oz bottle of water in his crib and that has helped.  I am sure my son's NW were b/c of thirst.

I think that at 7 months it is completely normal for a child to only want Mom.  Both of my boys were like this.  It was bad enough that my DH didn't even want to try to help me b/c he felt like he made things worse.  I applaud your DH for helping every night.  I think this will benefit your son and you in the long run.

Play time in the crib is also a great idea.  I think that can only help in the long run too.  Unfortunately I think that with mostly everything you do, you'll see the results down the road.  SA is a normal part of growing out of baby hood.  Babies suddenly realize that they are not attached to Mom anymore and I don't think they know how to cope with that.  Teaching them how to get along on their own is a long and sometimes tedious process, but a necessary part of being a parent. 

I like to think of it as, you must be doing a good job b/c your LO thinks he can't do with out you.  Babies that are not properly cared for, will give up and stop crying. 

Hopefully, instead of getting frustrated and completely down, realize you are doing a great job and what you are all going through is normal and will pass eventually.  I know in the middle of the night when all you want is sleep, it is hard to think this way but try to keep your chin up and know you are doing a great job. 

I found with my first one that SA completely disappeared somewhere between 20 and 25 months.  (Leaving my DS1 with grandparents was easy from 18 months on)  Maybe, you'll find some friends that your son will get to know like an Aunt. 

The last incident I had with my DS1 was at church.  He didn't want to get left in his own class, b/c he was 27 months at the time I decided it was time to just tell him like it is.  So, I said, "you are a big boy now.  You will be fine and you'll have fun with all of the other kids.  No crying, I will be across the hall in the Nursery with your Brother.  You know I always come back.   Now go, and have fun."     From that moment on, I never had any problems with him.