Help establishing EASY

[gemma (jakes_mummy)]

Hi there, i'm a regular poster on here now and love this site. My lo is 7wks + 5 days and he's adorable!!! We have good days and bad days but i think i'm having trouble establishing EASY - I'm okay with the E part its the A & S that i find hard... but i have some things which i need some help with and hopefully i will be able to get things sorted in my head and have some consistency for DS

My routine which i try and stick to is
E - 7am / 10am / 1pm / 4pm / Cluster feed 6pm + 7pm / DF 10-11pm
A - I try and watch out for cues from DS but he's not always great at showing them...try to wind down after 45-75mins as suggested for his age. If BF then this takes up most of the A time, so there's only time for a quick nappy change etc and then its time for wind down. If bottle feed with formula or EBM then this is much quicker and i feel like we have time to let him do things like - sit in his bouncy chair/listen to nursery rhymes CD + watch visualisations on TV/lay under playmat/look out window/sit with mummy/read a book etc.
S -BIGGEST probelm!!! No matter how much i watch out for cues my lo just wont go to sleep whether its day or night!!!

Questions abt E
1 - Does it matter if we have 1 day of waking at 8.30am instead of 7am -as long as i follow EAS still? Worried that it means he will be going to bed later than normal - can he pick up on this?
2 - How many ozs per feed shld my lo have - he is abt 10lb now
3 - DS sucks on hand even after a feed, what does this mean? I don't think he is still hungry...
4 - if its been 2-2.5hrs since last feed and lo still hasn't slept - shld i start next feed early and then start next nap early? what abt if he's had formula - doesn't it take 3-4hrs to digest so don't want to overload him and make him poorly...
***I do feeding in living room so he doesn't get too sleepy and he knows difference b/w awake and sleep time

Questions abt A
1 - When there is time - what kind of activites can i do with DS? What abt quiet play/wind down activities? Any suggestions appreciated as having trouble getting a wind down routine sorted, apart from 4s don't know what else to do as feel like i can't just take him to his room and sit there in silence holding him until he falls asleep - shldn't there be a quiet activity period in between high activity and sleep time?
***He sits in living room with me during A time - i don't have a baby carrier but i'm thinking abt getting one - is this a good idea, i don't want him to get used to being with all the time but i need to get things done and can't always leave him alone.

Questions abt S
1 - He will happily sit in his bouncy chair past the 45min-75min mark but later whinges which i think is due to OT, but if i try and start wind down within the 45-75mins then he still whinges. I feel like i don't know whether he's OT / UT - i don't want to force him to sleep if he's not ready but i just can't win either way.
2 - I try and put him down to sleep in basket in living room or in his cot for naps but i'm wondering if its better to have ONE place for all sleep so he gets used to it...what do you guys do? or what if he falls asleep in his bouncy chair etc is that ok?
3 - at what point shld i start wind down?
4 - when i think he is getting tired i swaddle/sometimes take him to his nursery/sit quietly with him and shh/pat if he starts fussing - i also play lullaby CD. At what point shld i put him down in his cot - try and do it when he is relxed/starting to drift off but as soon as i put him down he wakes up and starts crying again. if i shh/pat, stroke his face or hold his hands for reassurance it doesn't work so i end up picking him up again and repeating the process (i don't want him to start using me as a prop!)...or when it does work and he calms down, i'll sit there for 5-10mins and leave...and he starts again!!! I feel like its a battle to get him to sleep and if we have a good day, he wont sleep at night and vice versa. Another thing is i feel like i can spend most of the nap time trying to settle him doing shh/pat etc and then i get so fed up i end up bringing him back downstairs and sitting with him, where he will happily fall asleep in my arms - argh!!! What shld i do?
5 - i feel like i'm constantly worrying abt time - thinking right well he's been awake for an hour now, i have to get him ready to sleep so he doesn't get overtired, and if he doesn't sleep all day then i'm worrying abt what the night is going to be like...or if its been a bad night worrying abt the next day and the consequences of things...
6 - if he's OT and wont settle mum says i shld let him cry as evenutally he will burn out and fall asleep - but i don't want to leave him. How long shld i leave it until i go back and check on him? Mum thinks he's doing it for attention and running rings round us (sometimes i've gone in to him and he's shut and smiled at me!!!) and that he'll get used to us going in to him all the time. She works with autistic children and sometimes has to teach self soothing but they are older children - mum thinks if i let DS cry he will learn to self soothe but i'm worried he will just associate it with being left alone and when he's older hate sleeping in his bedrom as he'll be scared...i don't want him to hate me and break our trust!!!
7 - 45min naps - often this is all DS can manage - how can i extend?

I do feel like we're changing the rules on him all the time so he's getting confused but i just don't know what to do for the best. My mum says is shld relax as i do tend to overthink things...she says i shld stop worrying abt problems before they start and just let him sleep wherever he wants to and not worry abt whether he's been awake too long - she says in her day they didn't think abt whether they wer OT/UT/OS etc they just followed the baby and if it slept, then great!!! But i want some kind of structure to the day, but i do think i'm worrying abt things all the time.

I'm really struggling with the structure of things and what shld i do if things don't go to plan??? I wish i had a fairy godmother...

[meltown]

I just want to mark this.  I'm going to have some other mods come answer the parts of E and S.  I will be bakc with some other help.

[marensmama]

I think that firstly you need to ignore that well-meaning mother of yours.  I'm sure things were done differently in her day, and you turned out just fine, blah, blah, blah, but this is your life and your baby and if you are choosing to follow the BW methods, it's your choice.  What she's telling you to do is CIO which is not a method of sleep training that is endorsed by the BW community.  Your LO is crying because that is the only way he knows to communicate with you.  If you ignore that, you are not teaching him to self soothe, you are teaching him that his efforts at communication are in vain.  It is impossible to spoil a baby at this age.  He doesn't have the capacity to manipulate you, he's only communicating his needs with you and as his Mommy, it's up to you to sort it all out for him.  It sounds like you are doing well with all of that, and you'll find that while the routine can be tough to establish and maintain, it's worth it for so many reasons.

I think your feeding routine looks great.  At his age, most LOs can handle about 75 minutes of A time, including diaper change and feed.  Do you know what temperament he is?  Some LOs prefer/require a longer wind-down, some just a very short swaddle and into bed.  If he starts to lose patience and get fussy during the wind-down, cut it shorter.  My DD2 can tolerate being swaddled and turning the blinds with me and that is it.  DD1 liked 3 lullabies and a cuddle, so they're all different. 

Regarding his naps, IMO, it's best if they occur in the same place he sleeps at night.  I find it helps reinforce the message that it is sleep time.  Pat/shh is a wonderful method that is appropriate for his age and it will help him learn to self-soothe.  He should be put down in his crib when he is calm but awake, and pat/shh is continued there until he stops crying.  Then leave the room (or hang back out of his line of sight).  If he starts up again and it's not a mantra cry (Mantra cry is not escalating, not an 'I need you' cry), go back to him immediately and pat/shh in the crib.  It can take some time, so don't give up.  The first few times it can take 30 minutes or so.  If you do it for 40 minutes and he's still crying, get him up, feed and then try it again.  The key really with any sleep training method is to be consistent.  Consistent with the whole routine, the place he sleeps, wind-down, pat/shh, etc.  If he doesn't nap for long, then the next A time should be shorter to make up for it so he doesn't get OT.  Look for his cues, when he gets tired he may yawn, get fussy, look away from you, get 'glassy-eyed'... when you see those signs start the wind-down right away.

Check out the link here: https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?board=86.0, there's some great information about mantra cries, teaching sleep to newborns, wind-down routines...

Most importantly, try not to obsess about the 'schedule'.  It's meant to be a flexible routine that helps your baby know what's coming next and helps you be able to plan your day accordingly.  I know it's hard because you want to get it all 'right' but lots of babies don't fit the cookie cutter ideal of nap length or A time... it's all about knowing your baby, reading his cues, respecting his individuality and responding to what he needs.

HTH!   And hopefully others will come on to help address the many points in your post!

[Miss Kate]

I just wanted to throw in here that W2S is really helpful for us with extending 45min naps.

I sneak in there about 25 mins after he's gone to sleep, move his arm so that he opens his eyes briefly and re-settles. The whole time I hold my breath and pray he doesn't wake up, and I try to stay out of his line of sight. It took a few attempts for me to get it right and now it works 90% of the time.

Hope that helps!

P.S. I should add that if your LO is OT, W2S won't stop them waking after 30min.

[claires mum]

Hi and welcome.  Lets see if I can answer some of your questions:

Questions abt A

1 - At this age, you can give your LO some different textured items to hold (balls, bells, rattles, cloths etc) so they get used to different textiles.  You can read books with bright pictures and show your LO photos (close ups of faces are a big favourite).  Keep the activities very short in duration .. just a few minutes.  When your LO looks away, this is a cue that they are tired and can't keep up with you anymore.  Looking out the window at the trees and walks in the pram are great.  Keep activity quiet towards nap time.  As you know, there's not much time once feeding/nappy change is over and you start wind down!

2 Baby carriers are a great idea if you want to get out and about.

Questions abt S
1 -As your LO is approaching 2 months of age, he may be able to increase his A times.  The average for this age is between 1 hour 15 - 1 hour 20 (wind down is prior to this).  I found that it was best to observe a combination of tired cues and the clock to work out what was best for my LO.  Keep a diary to help you keep track of what works, doesn't work.  For some babies, once they show tired cues their sleep window has already passed.  It's a matter of trial and error to find what works.

2 - Yes, as per marensmama, it's better to start as you want to continue.  So try to have your LO sleeping in his cot for all naps.

3 - Wind down occurs during the A time not during the S time iykwim.  So if you have a 15 minute wind down and your Lo goes to sleep within minutes of that...then you would start 20 minutes prior to when you want your LO in his cot asleep.  Make sense?

4 - Marensmama said it beautifully

5 - Ha ha...welcome to parenthood!  Just relax a little and enjoy this time because it passes SO QUICKLY.  You will find that babies pick up on a mother's mood too.  If you feel relaxed and confident, your LO will feel safe and secure and trust you to lead him through the various phases of his day.  EASY is about setting up a predictable sequence of events for your baby.  He will soon feel comfort in the fact that there is a set routine to his day....it's not meant to be about watching the clock

6 - as per Marensmama!! 

7 - if your LO wakes at the 45 min mark, then go into his room 10 minutes prior and watch.  As he comes out of one sleep cycle, see if you can help him slip into the next one without waking up fully.  You can rest a hand on him to stop the jolts or try a soft shh/pat.  Sometimes they just look around to see if you are there and will fall back to sleep again.  What they are looking for is that their sleep conditions (what their environment was like when they fell asleep) hasn't changed.  This is why rocking/feeding to sleep is such an issue as the baby fell asleep under one set of conditions (ie. in Mum's arms) and then woke up in a completely different place (the cot).  It freaks them out.  That's why it's so important to work towards putting your LO in the cot drowsy ... so they know where they are when they fall asleep and then wake up.

Above all else, remember that he is very new to this world and is learning a lot every day.  The best thing you can do is relax and enjoy his company, be consistent in all matters where it's important (ie. learning new skills), give him a predicable sequence to his day and love him to bits.  You're doing great...give yourself some slack and don't doubt yourself.