EW & separation anxiety?

[Groovia]

Hi.  I have a 19 month old that we have slept beside (alternating DH or me), in his room on a separate bed, for about 3 months.  When we initially started this, it was because we noticed he slept so much better on a regular mattress versus a crib and we were too nervous to leave him alone in his room.  In June (when we started, and he was 16 months old) we were getting 12 hour nights and 3 hour naps.  It was phenomenal!

We've gradually gotten him used to sleeping independently, without NW, but got down to 11 hour nights and 45 min naps.  As you can imagine, 45 min naps have created a sleep debt and serious OT, so we've had a whiny, cranky toddler for the past month.  Now we're at 9.5 - 10 hour nights and I will say the past few days we've had a little more success with naps: 90 - 120 min. putting him down after 4.5 hours A time, but I've stayed in his room until he has fallen asleep.  (I've also had instances where staying in his room the entire time still resulted in a 45 min nap, but I didn't pay attention to A time, so I don't know if staying in his room matters).

Our EW time is 4:45am - 5:30am.  It completely varies and I've tried a few days of going into his room to sleep at around 3am, hoping that him seeing me when he wakes up will keep him calm enough to avoid the EW, but no such luck.

For bed times, I've really made an effort to try to get him in bed no later than 5.5 hours after A time, which is pretty early with our EW and short naps.  Last night, I tried 4.75 hours after A time, so he was in bed by 6pm, but didn't fall asleep until 8pm.  It was completely out of character for him because he has rarely ever fallen asleep past 7:30, even in the past few months when I haven't paid close attention to A time, and he was seriously freaking out the entire 2 hours, only calming down if one of us went in to his room.  (He ended up falling asleep on his own, though).  I gave him Motrin about 30 min. into this episode, thinking his canines could be causing issues.

A typical EW features ds crying, but staying in his bed, standing up.  We go in and try to PD, but he just gets more and more furious until we ask if he wants to get up, and then he calms down and is happy.  The whole morning is a big whine-fest, though.  We've made some progress this weekend, though and yesterday, I was able to get him back to sleep for another 45 min (until 6:15am) with him sleeping directly on me.  This morning at the 5:30am wake-up, he didn't protest laying back down, but he wanted to be touching me.  I'm 8 months pg, so I was being too fidgety I think, trying to get comfortable on the 6 inches of twin mattress he allotted for me, and eventually moved to the floor.  He also came down to the floor, and then at 6am, he started babbling and chatting, so I decided to get him up for the day. 

I know the key to erasing sleep debt is to get him to bed as early as possible.  I'm wondering what we should work on most, though:  the independent sleeping or OT situation.  I suspect that me returning to his room to sleep will help him relax and possibly sleep better/longer, BUT, he sleeps absolutely fine on his own from 7pm ish - 5am ish.

I'm also not sure how much A time I should allot for the afternoon.  Last night was 4.5 - 5 hours, and that was a disaster.  Could have been a fluke, though.  Should I try 4 or 5 days at each increment, or just start with 5.5 hours and gradually work our way backwards?

For morning A time, I've found that 4.5 works pretty well, but today, that would be 10am.   I'd planned a play group outing from 10:30am - 11:30am, but I'm not sure if we should nix that so he can get an early nap, or if the activity could help. Or, it could backfire, and he could fall asleep in the car (in either direction) and that would throw all nap plans out of the window.

Any suggestions/advice would be appreciated.  I've been keeping track of his sleep the past few days.  I can post that if it will help.

[becky1969]

Hi there!

You know, I might be tempted to go back to 2 naps for a brief period to help with the EW causing such an early nap.  As you indicate, if you go by A time, then with an EW your nap occurs at 10 and even with 2 hour nap you've got a waking by 12 pm, which means 6 hours for even a 6 pm bedtime!

When I say 2 naps, what I mean is a VERY short AM nap (probably like what you did when you were doing 2-1 transition) that is around 15 minutes.  That should give him enough of a second wind to make it about 3-4 hours until another nap.  So, in your example, I'd probably put down for 1st nap at 10 am, let sleep until 10:15, then try again somewhere between 1:15-2:15, depending on sleepy signs.  Hopefully that nap will be at least an hour, and hopefully clsoer to 2, which will get you to a 7:30 bedtime more or less.  Now, for afternoon A time, I'd probably stick to 4-4.5 hours since you are in a big OT phase.  My son is nearly 3 and 5.5 hours is a stretch for him, especially when he's battling teeth.  We shoot for 4.5 hours while teething, even at this age! My son may not be the best example because he's a sleepy bugger, but most of the toddlers I help thru an OT cycle do best on less than 4.5 hours A time.

I think I'd concentrate on getting the sleep back into him BEFORE tackling the independent sleep issue.  My guess is the independent sleep thing will be fixed pretty quickly once you get him rested again.  Now, you're going to run into another problem which is this new baby! That will most likely cause a sleep regression.  Under no circumstances should you start sleeping with him again, once the baby is here unless you want to do it for awhile!  I think I'd be inclined to do Wi/WO once the baby is here, with perhaps an extra long cuddly wind down before bed, with books and cuddling and just loving every night that will be *his* special time with you.  I'm just anticipating problems, but of course you might be fine! Just in case, you might post on the 2 and more board for ideas on how to help adjusting to another kid in the house.

Let me know how the 2 nap idea works.  Give it at least 3 days before deciding it doesn't work, and check back here and we'll adjust as necessary.  Good luck!  8 months pregnant and sleeping on a twin mattress? Ugh! I feel for you! 

One last thing  -- you are one of many moms I've helped recently with a child around this age.  Teeth should not be underestimated as a factor! In fact, when it came down to it ALL of the toddlers teeth turned out to be the driving force to their sleep disruptions.  That doesn't mean we can't fix the OT problem, but you're going to want to make it a 2-pronged approach and make sure you are medicating sufficiently.  I wouldn't be adverse to medicating before nap as well as bed, at least for 2-3 days until we can get some more sleep in the little guy.  The 10 hour waking (in your example, 7:30-5:30 am) should be fixed once he's not OT anymore.  10 hours is a CLASSIC sign of being OT.   For instance, when not teething, your child may stir at the 10 hour mark because he's OT but not fully wake-up.  But when teething that stirring can be enough to fully wake him because he's also uncomfortable.  I'd also medicate at that 10 hour waking in an effort to get him back to sleep.  I'd also use whatever soothing method works best to encourage him to fall back to sleep.  If we can change that EW a bit, it will help the napping situation, which will in turn help the going to bed situation, and then the waking sitch!  It all feeds into itself during an OT cycle, doesn't it? 

[Groovia]

Things are getting worse.  He was in bed last night by 7:15pm (based on 5.5 hrs A time).  It took him nearly an hour to fall asleep and then he was awake at 9, 10, 11 and midnight.  Finally DH went in to sleep with him, but he he still woke up at 4am and 5:30am (up for the day).

This morning, I put him in the car at 8:30am and drove to a store far, far away down a long boring road.  No sign of sleep.  We got back in the car at 9:45 am and I even gave him a bottle (which he hasn't had since June, but used to put him right to sleep).  He drank his bottle and I kept driving around until 10:30am.  He was yawning and had red puffy eyes, and I'd think he was going to fall asleep, but then he'd see something and point and shout, "Ball!" 

So, we got home, I gave him a banana, changed his diaper, and we went together to his room, which was completely dark.  I dozed and he played in his bed for an hour.  It was 11:30am, so I decided to give him lunch and try the nap again after since I'm pretty sure he wouldn't sleep longer than 45 minutes anyway.

Interestingly, he's not being crabby or cranky, as he usually is with minimal sleep.  I'm also at a loss for how to keep him from being overstimulated.  Apparently, the car is too exciting now.  Wearing him in my Ergo sometimes helps, but think I'm too pregnant to try that.  I'll try the stroller if we have a nap problem later today, but I'm afraid it will be too stimulating like the car. 

How do you keep an overtired toddler from being overstimulated?  And how do you wind them down?  Our bedtime routine has been dinner, bath, book, singing.  It doesn't seem to work with with an OT child.

[becky1969]

Oh yes, I can definitely say car and stroller rides are too stimulating for toddlers!  They definitely can't relax enough to go to sleep.  I've gone on 2 hour rides with my son and he wouldn't fall asleep! It was even boring countryside, but it was all new and exciting to him I guess. 

First off, that bedtime at 5.5 hours A time was too late.  You probably should have started wind down about an hour earlier.  I know that seems insane, and it probably won't work the first day, but believe me over time it will absolutely work and help you get out of this cycle.  Just helped two mamas with identical problems, and they cursed my name initially but are now converts of the VERY early bed solution! 

For wind down, a quiet video is often helpful.  Not immediately before nap, but start about 20 minutes before you want to take child to their room for the typical wind down.  Laying down on the sofa watching a video can often help the child to relax.  Reading books in a dim room is also helpful.  Of course, can't be too dim or mama's old eyes won't be able to read! (or is that just me? turned 39 this year and man is my eyesight going!  ).  I would probably skip baths right before bedtime for a little while.  They can be stimulating rather than relaxing.  You might substitute some light massage -- make sure child's room is comfortable, towards the warm side, and that you rub gently and don't continue if your child seems upset or irritated by it.  You usually have to build up with massage, starting with maybe a minute initially, and slowly add minute by minute.  Quiet music and a massage might be very helpful right now!  In fact, if your DH is available, you might have him read the story while you gently massage.  I'd advise against tickley/light touch during this period as it can often heighten the neurological system, making it *more* difficult for the body to wind down (even thought lots of kids including mine *love* that light tickley touch!).

Give some of these quiet ideas a try, move bedtime to no more than 4.5 hours of A time, and see if you can't get a very short nap in during the morning.  Finally desperate times call for desperate measures! So, if it takes laying down with your child on your bed for that shorty AM nap, then do it! You're pregnant, so could probably do with a rest!    Lay down together, maybe even with a quiet video, and shoot for about 15 minutes of sleep.  That might just do the trick, if he's already pretty zonkered!