Hi
Right then. A plan. I'm assuming you want a gradual withdrawl approach with as little crying as possible? I've sent you the plan I used which took us a couple of weeks before we got independent sleep. As I mentioned in my previous post, I did some gentle gradual withdrawl before we started a proper gradual withdrawl plan so that it wouldn't seem so hard on DS.
Where we started: Having to hold his hand or have my hand against his cheek or stroke his head til he was asleep ... and then when he woke, he couldn't get back to sleep without this. At one point, I had both arms through the crib bars to soothe him while he slept. So here's what we did:
* Each sleep, do a little less of what you do to help him to sleep, so he does a little more. For instance, just as he was drifting off to sleep I would gradually move my hand away. If he woke, I'd comfort again as before but move my hand away again...until he could get to sleep without my hand there. And then I would begin to withdraw it a little sooner each time so that he would do more of the 'going to sleep' unassisted by my hand or anything. Until I could lay him in his bed, brief comfort, and he would go to sleep. But I was still a sleep prop. I had to be there and if I wasn't, he couldn't go to sleep. Cue the GW plan over 2 weeks.
* I moved him from his crib an inch from me in my bed and into his own room. But I didn't just leave him there - it's a new place and he doesn't 'know' it's safe like I do. It's new, can be scary and isn't what he's used to. So I moved with him. I made myself a bed on his floor (lay on a douvet, wrapped myself in another douvet). Not all that comfortable, but I felt it necessary. I wouldn't like to dumped in another room and if anything in my DS's shoes, I'd feel I'd been abandoned / done something wrong. And that's not going to help him sleep.
So, sleeping on the floor. For naps and the night. I would lay him down, say 'time to sleep', the usual comfort and then I would lie down next to him. I would ignore his standing up as much as possible. I would pat his mattress where his head should be, and say 'time to sleep'. I would comfort as necessary but always trying to make sure that he went to sleep without me doing anything except being there. For 2 days, we napped together and slept next to eachother (evening was the only time he slept alone). Then I started leaving him for his naps, once he was asleep. I started leaving him in the night too, once he was asleep, but still ended up in there most of the night and would wake up there to start our day. After a week, I made every effort to get up and leave him once he was asleep in the night so he would get used to me not being there.
At this point, I felt ready to implement proper GW: he was used to his room and he could sleep without me physically helping him. So now it was just me that needed removing from the picture. The GW was pretty straightforward. I think it was 4 days of being by his bed (not me lying down though), and getting him to lie down and go to sleep. There was a lot of crying because it was different and not what he was used to. Babies and change. The third night was better than the first and second. I did this at all naps and bedtime, but for us, bedtime is usually the tougher to get him to sleep. Naps he usually is asleep as soon as he gets in bed!
Over these first 4 days or so, I was doing less each time. I would lay him down less (I try to avoid this anyway because it's just a jack-in-the-box thing that winds him up), I would comfort less physically and use my voice more, and try to leave a longer time between my speaking (a song track for instance). Each time trying to do less. I would only comfort him when he lay down after day 2 I think.
Then 3 days or so of sitting in the middle of the room: starting at his cot, but then moving back a little whenever he settled down. I would crawl forwards on my hands and knees to pat his mattress, stroke his head and say 'good boy' when he lay down, but I always moved back to my spot. Gradually over the days, I kept moving away a little further towards the door.
Then another few days later, once at the door, I would just reassure by my being there and my voice. I wouldn't go over to him until absolutely necessary. Once he could get to sleep without me doing anything, I tried to say nothing at all. This didn't work to well for us.
Another few days and I'm in the doorway (door half open with me on the other side but my head could be seen)...gradually moving further through the door. Then another few days on the other side of the door with it pulled a little more closed (open enough for me to poke my head through to speak to him and reassure (and be seen!).
And then -da di di da da dahhhhhhh - lay him down, say time to sleep, leave the room (I always keep the door half open until he's asleep) and I would potter around upstairs while he got himself to sleep. I have to reassure him often with my voice, occasionally I pop my head around his door, but I leave again and he settles himself down.
That's it. Long winded. Sorry.
Other things I did.
* play music throughout all naps and all through the night. The same thing on loop. Very annoying through the monitor.
* made his room a little lighter so he can see to lie down, see the room and feel a little safer
* leave a light on in another room upstairs (seems to help him)
* make it his room: he plays in there (not with exciting toys, just exploring) when he gets up from naps, before his bath etc. He knows where everything is. I think it helps them feel safer in their surroundings.
* I don't leave him to cry. If he mantras (only did this once he could sleep independently), I will reassure with my voice or pop my head around his door IF he hasn't settled within a minute. I don't linger; just reassure and then I get off (usually close by) while I listen to how he's doing. Real cry: I don't leave him to cry and resettle. If he cries for help, I go in and assess the situation. If he's still ready for sleep, I kiss his head, stroke his cheek and tell him 'time to sleep'. I might pat his mattress or something to get him to lie down. I stay with him until he is calm and back in the zone. If very upset, I stay with him until he goes to sleep and then leave. Unless I'm getting him up because he's ill or something (hence the assess). We tried leaving him to cry for 5-10 mins when he woke. It was awful. He got hysterical and was really hard to settle. I think he thought something was wrong and understandably, at that point he wants to be with mummy not left alone in a room.
* a lovie: he hadn't taken to one so I sort of forced one. I bought something relatively small but soft and cuddly. It is everywhere he needs to sleep (2 in his bed; 1 in car seat, 1 in pram). I bought loads of them, machine washable and cheap. Plenty of replacements. Before they make it into use (after a wash), they spend either 2 nights cuddled up with me in bed or a day shoved down my bra (yeh, looks silly but the smell is comforting to him!). In your case, I would start using the lovie straight away and put it in between you when you cuddle etc. Rub the lovie against hand or cheek in high emotion situations - I'm told that helps them take to it.
I warned you it would be long!
Hope this helps. If you have any queries, questions at all, just say. And let me know how you get on!!
Charlotte
