Hair washing trauma

[pod]

Hi there

My 18 month old has a lot of hair, always has done. And she hates having it washed, always has done.  I started swimming lessons with her recently and she was very nervous but is definitely improving but since then the hair washing thing has got worse and worse.  In the class we do 'ready steady go' and with the more confident children they dip under water but with dd I just trickle water over her head.  The swimming teacher suggested doing this in the bath, but the anticipation of it I think has just made it worse. 

So (and I have to take a deep breath here and be honest about what happened) yesterday I tried a new tactic.  My mum suggested leaning her over and wetting her hair so she's facing down (as I find it difficult to get her to look up to keep the soap out of her eyes), which is what she used to do with me and my sis.  We don't have a big bath, I still bathe her in a baby bath, so I leaned her over the shower cubicle and got a gentle flow of water from the shower head and leaned her over.  She totally freaked - it was only when I had the shampoo on her head (her hair really needed washing, it was over a week and had food and sand in it!) I realised the water was cold.  So I rinsed it with warm water, but it was awful.  She was very upset.

I felt absolutely horrendous about it and full of guilt that I have traumatised her even further and made the whole thing worse.  To make matters worse today I spoke to a friend who has an older daughter who said that I shouldn't have forced the matter, in fact she said something along the lines that I shouldn't get angry and force my daughter to do things against her will.

I am having a major mum ability wobble today.  I have never got angry with dd, never.  But I have continued to wash her hair, even when I know she doesn't want to.  Tonight she refused to get into the bath altogether.  She's done this before, and some times I have accepted that and others said no you're having a bath and done 'one two three' and got her in, after a few seconds she's fine.  But my confidence is shaken now, as I'm sure hers is, and I'm a bit at sea as to where to go from here.

I think I have really broken her trust and I'm worried I've traumatised her for I don't know how long.  I really need some advice.  Any hair washing tips would be great (she hates anything on her head, including those lampshade things that stop the soap from getting in their eyes, in fact she freaks if she sees me pick it up).  But also more generally do I pursue getting her in the water/washing her hair, or do I accept what she's saying to me and not put her in the bath/wash her hair if she says she doesn't want to.  Do we just put up with dirty hair for a while?  should we cut off all her hair?!  or is all that just delaying the inevitable that we have to deal with?  How do I rebuild her trust?

Feeling miserable about the whole thing at the moment.  Otherwise everything is great and we get on fantastically.  Amazing these curveballs being a parent can throw you...

Thanks, sorry about the ramble x

[rach321]

Not sure if it will help but how about if she gets in the shower with you for a few times just until you both regain your confidence she can always sit in the bottom of the cubicle maybe with a shower cap on so she doesn't get her hair wet until she's ready.  Does she have a doll with hair that she could wash or maybe a special bath toy to practice hair washing on? She will pick up on your stress so try and keep as calm as possible.  I don't have any direct experience but these are the things I would try - hope it helps.

[frano]

Aw pod my heart goes out to you. Lots and lots of hugs being sent your way {{{{{{}}}}}}

TBH I don't know what the answer is but I really hope that someone on here has some suggestions for you.

My sister had long curly hair and my mother ad to cut it because washing and brushing it became such a chore and battle. My niece was awful for getting her hair washed and would scream and cry until she was about 4 so I know that's of no help but I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's common.

I suppose you'll have to build up some confidence with her and the water and maybe give her some control. I give my ds a watering  so he can to help wash his hair. I'm rabling now....sorry.

Hope someone has some advice for you

Fran x

[First Time Mom]

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time, but don't feel you've done something traumatic- she won't even remember hating having her hair washed when she is older!

When my dd was around that age she went through a short spurt where she hated having her hair washed- hated the water and/or soap in her face and eyes. I stocked up on fun bath toys (which, maybe I'm being redundant and you already have done), we had bath crayons, bath squeeze water toys, bath dolls, all sorts of cheap and fun bath toys. Part of the ritual we got into was letting her go to the basket to pick out 3 fun toys to bring with her and this got her excited. Also, we used the normal tub (stopped the baby tub) and only filled it a few inches, I used a large yogurt container to pour the water over her head tilted back to both get it wet and to rinse (she HATED the normal hand held rinse hose thingy), I would tell her to tilt her head and pour slowly and lightly. I used a very small amount of shampoo during this phase. At some point after this she really got into watching Disney's Little Mermaid, and she loved the character (still her fav at 3.5 yrs). Once she started watching Ariel in the movie she wanted to become Ariel and started pouring water over her own head. We also let her take one of her water dolls and she loved to wash the dolls hair. Also bought her the Ariel Disney water doll (looks like a skinny Barbie and goes in the water).

Whatever you decide to try, I wouldn't worry too much about it- she'll probably be over the phase in no time and you won't even remember it yourself in time. Hang in there!

[pod]

Thank you all so much for your replies.  We have had 2 successful bathtimes since I wrote the post.  I took the idea of letting her choose some toys, although actually let her choose them all as she's used to having them all in the bath so didn't want to suddenly limit.  I think she's quite bored with them though and tbh they don't do alot, they're not that fun!  So I'm going to take her bath toy shopping tomorrow.  I do think its helping her being involved in the bath process.  She's also chosen to have bubbles and I have been washing my face with the bubbles so she copies me.  And yesterday I pored small handfuls of water on my arm and got her to do the same.  She wouldn't take it back but I think its small steps.

I like the idea of having a favourite toy in the bath and washing their hair, unfortunately her favourite toy is a bear - who she's really into doing the whole bedtime ritual with at the moment (nappy, vest, sleeping bag - she even gave him some books to read yesterday!) but I don't think he'd take too kindly to having his hair washed!  So I'll try and find one of these bath dolls and see if she wants to get one.  I wonder if any doll can go in water?!

We're taking it very slowly and calmly, I'm not going to wash her hair again until she's ready.  We're actually moving soon and so will definitely be going somewhere with a big bath!

Thanks again, you were all very reassuring  x

[frano]

Well done pod, sounds much more positive. Small steps......

[Mama2boys]

also try offering a bubble maker to keep her occupied while you wash her hair..works for us!

[Fiona (Leah & Kians Mom)]

Also do you have one of those bath hats that you can get from mother care? They are kind of like a sun visor and sit right on top of the forhead and it stops most of the water from coming down in their face, have been using it for years with dd and it really works. I also give her a dry face cloth to cover her eyes with now, but when she was a bit younger I used to tell her to look up at the ceiling and see if there were any fairies there which really worked. If she was sitting hunched over looking down in the bath more water ran down her face and annoyed her bath hat or not

[First Time Mom]

If you go with a doll in the bath it has to be one for the water- water ones have extra drain holes in them. We have baby Disney Snow White from Walmart (comes with a floaty), Disney Ariel who is a Barbie type doll (colour changes with water contact) and a real cheapy we got from Zellers for around $5 (a no-name mermaid). If you're using a non-water doll get a cheap one as you don't want to possibly ruin a good doll.