Playplace woes...

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

We just got back from the awesome playplace that is in the auditorium of the church right across the street from our house...it's great, loads of little tikes cars, bikes, climbing things, a swingset, one of those blow up bouncers. We hadn't been since Spence was a baby (by that I mean crawling) 

So today there were two other parents with two small boys...not sure if they were related or not, or if one kid belonged to each. I would guess they were in the range of 20 months - 2.5 years or so and they were mean! One boy in particular physically removed Spencer from the car she was in,  shoved her, and stole a toy from Masyn's hands. I know a kid that age will act that way, my own kids do, but the parent(s) did nothing!! It's an unsupervised playplace and I was up and following both my kids while the other parents sat and chatted, ignoring what was going on. 

So, not knowing these parents from a hole in the wall, I said nothing and tried to keep my kids away from theirs and ended up leaving earlier than I intended. Uggh...I don't care that it happened and certainly Spencer could learn a bit about interacting with other kids and sharing, but when someone elses kid gets physical with mine and they don't even do anything?? I feel like having a Spencer -style tanrum "I'm mad...mad mad mad mad mad  "

sheesh maybe this belongs on the couch!!!

[Mashi]

Hugs Heidi - it really is hard dealing with this kind of thing and I never know what to do in this situation. We had a similar thing happen both last weekend and this weekend. We have an indoor kids play centre here that is fantastic - but it is for infants to pre-teens all in one room and unsupervised by centre staff and so it's really frustrating.  It's got areas that are much more meant for pre-teens (five full sized trampolines for instance), areas for preschoolers (large bouncy castles and huge slides) and for babies and toddlers (soft play mats with large soft blocks and a ball pit).

So many kids are dropped off there as "daycare" or even if the parents are there with them, there is a huge cafeteria style area around it and the parents just sit and chat and leave their kids to it - which leaves 10 year olds playing in the toddler ball pit (like, hello?) and so on.  Even some people who leave their 1 and 2 year olds unsupervised.

So, although I am not really sure how I *should* to deal with it, I have decided that as long as I am there and someone is bullying my child without their parents being proactive or reactive about it, I will take charge.  Two weeks ago some 8-10 year olds came into the soft play area where the only other child was my 17 month old - and DH and I. They proceeded to take ALL 20 of the large blocks that were there, including the 4 or 5 that DH and I had built a tunnel with for DS and he was climbing on and playing with. Just walked right over and took them out form underneath us.  DH told me to calm down and ignore it, but it left DS with nothing to play with.  Do they not know the concept of sharing???  So, as soon as they had built their tower/house/whatever, I told DS to go over and take one ("Can you find a yellow block?! Yes, that's it! Bring it to mommy!")  He pulled it down and carried it over to me. The two boys started freaking out and shouting and I ignored them.  Sent DS over to get another one.  I knew what they were saying ("hey we need those! he's wrecking our tower!") and when they tried to take them back I stood in the way, glared at them and said in my sternest voice "Grow up and go play with your own toys! And if you don't know how to do that, then learn to share!"  They were so gobsmacked to get lectured in English that they only played another 30 seconds and then left and went to their own area.  

Last weekend we went again and there was a 2ish year old boy who kept hitting DS.  I was eating, DH was playing and so I only saw a glimpse of it and saw DH deal with it.  But then it happened again. And again. Then we swapped and DH was eating and I was playing and this little boy ran up behind my DS (who is terrified of other children as it is and so was doing his best to play alone....a good 10-15 feet away from anyone else, crawling around in his own little corner with three balls from the ball pit), and for no reason at all reached out and smacked DS on the back of the head quite hard.  I shouted "OY!" at him as loud as I could and it startled him a bit. But then he reached out to smack him again and I stuck my arm out and grabbed his wrist and stopped him.  I shouted "HALT!" (stop in German, don't know if I had the right context but it was all I could think of!) He kicked me.  Little brat!!!  I turned my back to him and then DH came in and calmed me down as I was fuming. About 3 minutes later ( ) his mother came in because he was hitting other kids.  He hit her and so she walked away and left him in there.

I don't know what the answer is, but I guess going on my own actions I would say that if the parents are not going to get involved in it at all, I would step in and say something.  Keep in mind that I am also extremely on top of my OWN child when he does things like this at playgroup - he took a car right from another child's hands this morning and I stopped him immediately and made him give it back to her. It's not favourtism! (He then spent the rest of the morning chasing this girl and tapping her on the shoulder and handing her random toys, as if to try to make it up to her!)

I am curious how other parents would / do handle these kinds of situations though...I am torn between letting DS sort it out himself and in making it right for him. KWIM?  

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

 I am torn between letting DS sort it out himself and in making it right for him. KWIM?  

Yes, and for Masyn I let her sort it out first, and if she knows the other kid she is more likely to work it out with them. If she doesn't she will go off in a huff, have a pouty moment and then get back to playing with something else.

With older kids like you describe, I have no problem telling them exactly what I think. At our local playground last summer some older boys were playing on the baby swings and I went and asked them to get off - even though my kids weren't using them at the time they are not made to carry 100lb 12 year olds. They whined about it but did get off (they were also put out by the fact that the even older teenage girls were hogging the big kids swings!)

I am also right on top of my kids at public payplaces/groups...more so Spencer now, but Masyn still needs an eye kept on her. That is so cute that he kept trying to give the little girl toys!! Spencer is not a confrontational kid, rarely will take something out of another kids hand, she's more backhanded and waits until they aren't looking!!! She just screams and wails when another kid touches her, which made it odd that the parent didn't come as she was screaming the place down and in tears over being pushed. 

Maybe tomoorow Spence and I will go over while Masyn is at school when it opens and hope that no one else is there, or different kids altogether!!

[Shiv52]

So, although I am not really sure how I *should* to deal with it, I have decided that as long as I am there and someone is bullying my child without their parents being proactive or reactive about it, I will take charge.

This is how I look at it.  When we go to places like that I always keep an eye on Maeve and if she was to hit/push I would intervene straight away.  Same if she was to snatch. I probably have higher expectations of her than others.

I find the politics involved in toddlerhood so complicated.  i do know though if another kid hits DD and their parents don't intervene I will watch them like a hawk and if they go near her again I will intervene if they attempt to do it again.  My DD is no angel and has been known to push the odd toddler herself but the as a parent I am on top of it.  Its the fact other kids parents don't intervene that bugs me more than anything.  I have no problem if a toddler hits/pushes Maeve and their parents comes over and addresses it with their LO. 

I have a really hard time with DH's family.  We all have different parenting styles.  We had a dinner with them over christmas and we weren't in 10 minutes and DD had been whacked across the head THREE times by DH's nephew with a plastic toy.  I saw him do it the third time and he wasn't holding back.  DD is a total drama queen so you can imagine the tears and screaming but no one else seemed to notice at all.  No one intervenes, no one disciplines.  I spend the whole of our visits there trailing round after DD otherwise she ends up being battered.  We have been to those soft play places together and they are the parents chatting while their kids are causing havoc.  Apparently I feel this way because DD is an only child and isn't used to being round others all the time.  They all think she needs to 'toughen up!!' 

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

My IL's have a totally different style of parenting too, one that led to Spencer falling down the stairs at SIL's on Xmas eve because I don't have eyes on the back of my head and no one else was worried about where she was.

It can't be just cause she's an only child Shiv, otherwise Spencer would be tougher then she is, following that logic    The only thing I did intervene in was when Masyn was about to mow down the one boy with a racecar that shoots off a ramp, I grabbed him out of the way. That I wouldn't hesistate about, it's the grey area of shoving and snatching that gets me!

[~*Nicole*~]

Heidi-I am a completely non-confrontational person and I rarely say anything to anyone...but I have gone to one of those soft play places with DD and there were a couple of more rambunctious toddlers there (she was the youngest at the time and still a bit unsteady on her feet). They would almost jump on her in the toddler ball pit etc. HOWEVER their moms were there and warning them to watch out or be careful or redirecting them to other places...which made me feel better. Had they not though, I probably would have only said things like "Be careful where you jump." or if they hit "that's not nice...could you say sorry?" or something just so that I sounded polite, but also so that the mom's would hear me and maybe DO something, you know?

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

Thanks Nicole, I'll have to try that tomorrow if the same kids are there. I'm only confrontational if something really p!sses me off - most things just roll off my back.
 I want to handle this nicely and not have to say something to the pastor of the church (which I don't actually attend, it's just that it is across the street and open to anyone) about other parents not watching their kids. I actually had to sign a waiver saying I would watch them and that if anything happens the church is not liable, which the other parents would have had to sign too!

[~*Nicole*~]

They really may not genuinely notice or may not think it bothers you or your kids if it doesn't bother them and their kids. Hopefully saying something will subtly let them know your girls are not okay with it and neither are you, ykwim?

Good luck.

I have got to get Ava out to places like that more often.

[deb]

I remember having to tell Josie when she first went to preschool that if the little boy in her class hit her it was OK for her to tell him to stop, she didn't like it.

We didn't foresee that she would not only tell him to stop it but hit him BACK, and then when the teacher wasn't looking, climb over the table to do it again...   But giving her "words" did at least stop him hitting her.... 

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

I remember reading about that before Deb!  That would work great for Masyn (the words, not the hitting!!) and perhaps I could teach her to stick up for her sister while she is at it! I still can't figure out why she let the little boy take a toy from her without a fight, maybe she was worried that she would seem mean.

[speechie]

Heidi- I'm the mom at those places racing after my child to help him apologize, learn to share, and give mini time-out/quiet time on the sidelines if I need to- I am AMAZED at how many moms just let their children run around and terrorize other kids! I too take the stance of being polite, but firmly helping Nick through the social puzzles of this age, and directing other kids as needed. I've rarely seen another parent step in and help their child learn to navigate socially. I know kids will push, pull, hit, bite, kick, whack, etc etc etc, and I am fully prepared to help Nick learn what is acceptable behavior. Now I find myself telling other people's kids too....a bit awkward, but better than having a fearful black and blue kid! Nick is no angel and I spend most of the play group time supervising and not socializing, but that's why I go- so my kiddo learns how to interact with others nicely.