How long has your toddler gone without eating?

[Mashi]

Ok, so we have serious food issues here.  DS started getting picky with molars, prob about Octoberish.  It has gotten increasingly worse, he is now refusing all old favourites and the old stand-bys.

I do know that a huge portion of the problem is DH. I really hate to sound like I am creating blame or passing blame but, really....it is.  He does NOT accept when DS says he doesn't want something, does not accept that when he is finished he is finished, and spends ages and ages begging him to eat.  He also is very quick to run to the fridge and get things that he knows DS will eat, when he does not want his dinner. So no matter how often we discuss this and agree on it, the next night, DH will run and get something that DS will eat. And he begs and begs him to eat, long after I have excused him from the table after one lick of ketchup for dinner, DH is walking around the house asking him to please come back and eat. Or asking if he's hungry, asking does he want this or that and so on.  He's now had these old reliables for so many lunches and dinners when DH rushes off to get them that he is bored of them as well and won't eat them either. 

So I have put my foot down (for about the 5th time but this time I am NOT budging!) What is for dinner (or bkfst/lunch) is what you get and that is it.  I make sure there is one thing that he likes (or used to like) and that I know he will eat, but only a certain amount of it, and the rest is whatever we are having.  And that is IT.  You don't want it, that's fine with me, but there's nothing else. 

So it's now been three days without him barely eating anything. Monday he had a wee bit of toast and a bit of fruit. Tuesday he had about 1/2 of a breadroll. Today he had 2 oatmeal biscuits (savory not sweet).  He is also refusing milk, though I suspect it is at least partly because DH is sitting there holding the sipyp cup to his mouth every 2 seconds saying "have a drink...have a drink....drink your milk...."   

And so I am losing face and DH is telling me that I am wrong. I keep saying that he will not starve, toddlers can't starve themselves, that we have to respect his right to not eat, that he will eat if and when he is hungry and so on. But he points out that when you ask him if he is hungry he beelines for his highchair and is desperate to get in. When I am cooking dinner he is desperate to climb up to his chair and if I tell him dinner will be a couple of minutes he freaks and signs hungry over and over again. But when you put him in his chair, show him what's on offer, he says blech and then says he's not hungry and doesn't want it and asks to get down and then won't go anywhere near food or the kitchen or anything. So DH is right, ds IS hungry, he would just rather go hungry than eat what I am offering.  FWIW it does not matter if I ask him what he wants and he chooses, nor does it matter if that is nutella on toast or pancakes and syrup...this is not just an issue of "adult dinners" this is everything you could possibly offer him.


So.....am I really wrong to take this approach with him? He's recently been ill and didn't eat for a few days because of that, so he should really be making up for it, but instead is eating less and less.   How long do you think I can let this go on for before worrying or changing tactics?

[babybarr]

Hi Mashi, we have done this on several occasions so you're definitely not alone!  I reckon DS has probably gone the best part of a week with eating very little, but eventually he just started again.

DS has good understanding and so I can reason with him...
"would you like a breadstick?"
"yes"
"then eat this first" I usually have to remind him after each mouthful but it does work for us and then we have days when he'll eat fine.  Would that work with your LO?

[Mashi]

DS has good understanding and so I can reason with him...
"would you like a breadstick?"
"yes"
"then eat this first" I usually have to remind him after each mouthful but it does work for us and then we have days when he'll eat fine.  Would that work with your LO?

No, we have long passed the tricks and tactics phase.  The try one bite, the you can have x after you eat z, you just need to taste it and then you can get down, just touch it with your tongue and if you don't like it that's fine....anything of this nature at all is totally out.  Does not work.  And TBH, I am past it as well - i am not begging or bribing or encouraging him to eat any longer. I suppose that makes me sound awful, but that kind of thing is part of what got us here.  I am now taking the whole different approach - here it is, you want it, fine, you don't fine. But that's it. Nothing more until xx time.  No praising or cheering when he does eat (again need to deal with DH on this one) and no bringing it up an hour later that he didn't eat (ditto on the DH). But no snacks other than what is on offer and when it's on offer.

I know this sounds harsh but I just feel I have exhausted all other options...and it was a road I did not want to go down in the first place - but DH and I have VERY different opinions on all aspects of parenting and for a while eating was one of the areas I chose to stop bickering about....which is when it all started going wrong. I am just worried how many days it can go on for before I have been proven wrong and need to go back to the begging and bribing and pleading with him to eat, kwim?

[We Three]

Oh (((hugs))) Mashi.  SO frustrating!!!  I have no words of wisdom, as i think you are doing all the right things. How is he for snacks? Do you have a "snack time" sort of thing, where he sits and has graham crackers or fruit or whatever? I wonder if a change of scenery would do something. DD has a small table in the kitchen, a kid-sized table...and she will sometimes eat better there because it's all "her", kwim?  Other times she gets up and leaves so much and so often that we do better in the booster, where she can't escape. (i.e. become distracted by something and wander off)I am super careful to monitor the times...like she just got up from nap and had raspberries and an oatmeal cookie. I looked at the clock when she was done and I know now that dinner needs to be no sooner than 3 hours after that snack.

I have a great eater, and she likes a relatively large array of foods, but once during a bit of a struggle I remember someone here telling me that with a toddler, instead of looking at what they ate in a day, it's better to look at the week.

Dh is feeling scared, so I get what he's doing, but it might be creating alot of pressure for Mini, and a bit of a power struggle.  Maybe tell your dh, "At this age, a lo can only control TWO things...what comes IN (food), and what goes OUT.(potty)"   It's no wonder why eating and PTing can be sooooo tricky!!

((hugs))  I know he won't starve, but it still must be so upsetting.    

[babybarr]

I completely understand where you're at.  We resort to your approach too.  I just wondered if you'd done the other bit and had any success!  I feel if he's hungry he'll eat, we do that here, I get fed up with the constant food refusal and if he doesn't eat it he doesn't eat it.  After a while though DS just starts eating again.  Hopefully this'll be the same for you.

[lynners]

Hi there,

I've just been through a really similar thing with my LO.  He too has had DH and MIL, and me to an extent to be honest, running around just giving him what he wants to eat to make sure he does eat.  He's been refusing more and more things to the point where none of us could get any veggies in to him.  Meanwhile for his two days a week at nursery he eats anything and everything - all healthy, homemade options.  I even went to the extent of taking home some meals from nursery to try and feed them to him at home and nope he refused. 

So enough was enough.  I spoke to a nanny friend and also a nutritionalist who agreed with pretty much the tactic you are trying to use.  So the plan was this.

DAY ONE

For breakfast - normal breakfast.  This was always an easy meal for us though - loves cereal, bread etc.

Mid morning snack - ricecake/fruit etc.

For lunch - offer him a meal that I want him to have e.g. veggie stir-fry (I too want him to eat our meals).  If he refuses don't make a big deal about it, just take him down from the highchair.  Nothing else.

Afternoon snack - none if hasn't eaten lunch

For dinner - offer same meal as lunch and again if refuses take down.

DAY TWO and onwards repeat with exactly same meal for lunch and dinner until he eats it...obviously being aware of food hygiene and re-heating.  If not exactly same meal because old and had to throw away, give same thing but fresh.

...well this felt very hardcore but I had to think of it for him and his long term health and eating so....

it took four long days of him refusing the same meal and finally for dinner on Day four he ate it!!!  And what's more he made his MMMMM noise he makes when he eats something he likes 

Since then he's eating had been way better.  I'm now giving him a 'proper' main meal for lunch and something less stressful eg baked beans on toast for dinner.  I'm still nervous on trying some things with him at lunch but his range has certainly widened.  I quite often use dinner as an opportunity for me to to be eating something new I'd like him to try while he's eating something easy.  That way I can just try him with a bit without relying on him eating the whole thing.

Since I did this there has been the occasional refusal at lunchtime, but I keep up the method and by dinner he's eating the meal.

So yes for sure I believe a toddler will not starve himself and it was a really important step forward for us.

[mini me]

If it's bothering you with him not eating (I am of the same opinion that a child won't deliberately starve themselves) what about sitting him infront of the tv and just randomly spooning something easy (like a yoghurt) in to him with no pressure. This will let you see if he is actaully just testing him ability to say 'NO' and control things when he's aware of the situation rather than he genuinely doesn't want to eat. Not sure that makes sense. I know DD whan teething refuses loads, but when she's being a rotter and just plain refusing 'because she can' then if she's so distracted by something else (the dreaded tv) then her mouth just opens automatically when the spoon gets near and she's fixed on the tv show.

[mumofalice]

No real words of wisdom Mashi - you know about A's eating habits (which are relatively good TBH) from the toddler thread, and you know how I have the same 'issues' as you and beat myself up about it. I hate to say it but I do think that your DH probably isn't helping and like you say it's more than likely turning into a power struggle between the two of them. I find mealtimes a lot less stressful when my DH isn't around because I've gone down the route that your talking about and although he agrees, he just can't help but try and encourage her. I now put A's meal or snack in front of her and she tells me when she's finished, I check to make sure, but explain that there's nothing else until X time. I don't get cross or stressed about it anymore (or at least I try not to - and don't show it to her!) Sometimes when I take whatever it is she was going to eat away she asks for it back - I think she knows that I mean business now and if she is hungry she will eat what's on offer, kwim? When she spat out her dinner a couple of weeks ago (not something she's made a habit of - I was gobsmacked) I took her down from the table immediately and she had nothing at all til the next morning - but she was fine and didn't wake due to hunger.

Sending you lots of hugs as I feel your pain   Am sure it WILL get better though.

[Sarah - Enfys' Mum]

I think you are doing the right thing.

[*Liz*]

Jacob has gone up to a week or so eating nothing but a bit of bread and drinking his milk (only am and pm - never during the day now).

((hugs)) and following along as I am considering getting tough with J as well. If he asks me for one more biscuit or yoghurt I will strangle him, I think  .

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

I think you are doing the right thing too, Mashi, by offering him what you made and if he doesn't want it, he doesn't want it.  I do the same for my kids, I make a couple of things that are a sure thing, and new thing and have fruit or yogurt as "dessert".

My DH goes into panic mode if one or both are not hungry, fearing that they will go to bed hungry and have NW's galore...but I'm not sure why he is concerned about that as I handle all the NW's!  I really don't think he believes me that they can and will make sure they get what they need and that his attitude is only reinforcing bad eating habits (ie, eat until you are stuffed) but my stubborness has won out on this one and if he tries to cajole them he gets the "look" and I get whichever one isn't hungry away from the table.

[jacsmummy]

Hi. We had a blip recently very much the same, and although the catalyst was molars I do think some of it was a power thing...especially as he wouldn't eat for me at all? One thing that worked well was when my friend came around with her son and we fed them together like a mini dinnertime date and the two lo's encouraged eachother to eat~it worked a treat. HTH 

[babybarr]

my friend came around with her son and we fed them together like a mini dinnertime date and the two lo's encouraged eachother to eat~it worked a treat. HTH

I do this with my friend too to encourage her LO to eat.  It does work wonders but I know Mashi you don't have a lot of contact with others with LO so don't know how easy that'd be for you.

Getting DS to eat with us at mealtimes also really helped us.

[scucci1979]

Lots of hugs. I can only imagine how frustrated you are. My lo is not a great eater. I ca count on one hand the foods she would eat.  I truly believe not to force feed/overwhelm them with food, as it will cause food issues later on in life. My mom used to tell me stories about my eating habits, where I would only eat one meal a day. This went on until the age of 8. I will never forget this but she used to take me to our neighbours house where she would force a spoon down my throught.   I agree with you, telling hubby to relax as your lo will not starve himself. If he is hungry, he will eat.
You are doing everything right!

What I found help, is having Madi sit with us at dinner time to eat. I know this is a bad habit, but for breakfast and dinner we have the TV on. Not proud of that but it does get some food in her.   If she utterly refuses meals, I give her more snacks throughout the day.  
When it comes to meals, I make her one meal and if she doesn't want it I would not stress in making another meal. It is too time consuming. She would live on french sticks if I let her.

I love the idea of the dinner time date. I need to try that.

[MLK]

Mashi, I can't help thinking he has developed a bit of an oral aversion because of his sore throat and then the antibiotics. This happened to my nephew, he had severe tonsillitis for a while but no one noticed because he didn't complain - just refused to eat. In the end even after he got his tonsils out he only ate "safe" foods for years.

What if you always had something soft on offer at meals? My DS2 will only eat things like fruit puree pots or soup when he has a sore throat, even after he's been on antibiotics for a while.

And maybe you could get your DH to agree to try your method for another week, including the milk. Then maybe renegotiate from there if there's been no improvement.