How much time do I spend playing with LO?

[muddyfeet]

Too much conflicting info from my instincts, husband's mom, my mom, grandma...AUGH!

I play with her actively about an hour total a day. We spend time in the kitchen together, where I cook her meals and she plays by herself--that's about an hour total. I do the bills etc and she plays by herself for about 30 mins a day. So we have 1 hr with me, 1.5 hr by herself, and then mealtimes, diapers, naps, and night sleep are excluded from "play" definition, but these are still together time.

I am being told by all sources that I'm not playing with her enough, but if I played with her as much as husband's mom wants me to, I'd never get anything done. And my gut says to let her discover and learn by herself, simply because the only way lessons like "the square fits in the square hole" only stick when you do it yourself enough times for that to sink in. If we play together, we roll around on the floor, I dance with her, but I rarely play with her toys unless she presents them for me.

When the people who don't run the household come to visit, they play with her nonstop and I have to make them stop so she can nap. She likes the extra attention, sure, but I can't do it all the time.

Am I REALLY not playing with her enough?

[littlerascalsmum]

The amount of one on one play time you are doing sounds like how much I do, so I think it sounds great!!! I personally think it is excellent to have a child who can play independently and discover things for themselves. How irritating it would be to be happily playing then have someone come and try to interrupt with different toys. Sometimes I do play with my boy's toys with him but that is because he will bring them over to me when he wants help or wants to share them with me (sometimes I start him off playing with his blocks or something too if I have to distract him away from something he isn't supposed to be doing!). Otherwise he plays alongside me (or me chasing him around the park!!!)

[~*Nicole*~]

I've always done what you do. Let my in-laws, etc. play with DD more and DH and I just play a bit with her and otherwise interact with her in normal day to day ways...bathtime, diaper changes, mealtimes, inside/outside, going on errands, etc. You're right, we wouldn't have time to get anything done if we "played" all day...but ALL things can be like playtime/teaching time if you interact, talk, explore, etc.

[clazzat]

Go with your instincts and what works for you and your lo - I would *love* to have children who play as independently as your lo, and I totally agree that she will learn more quickly and more effectively by doing for herself rather than being told/shown.  Even though my girls are rubbish at playing on their own, I probably spend a similar amount of time actually playing with them as we are normally out and about doing things, so I think it's fine.

[Mashi]

I have absolutely no clue how old your LO is so it is hard to judge.  And I also realise that it is totally a personal thing - if you are comfortable with how much you play with her then you are playing with her enough, kwim?  

And my gut says to let her discover and learn by herself, simply because the only way lessons like "the square fits in the square hole" only stick when you do it yourself enough times for that to sink in. If we play together, we roll around on the floor, I dance with her, but I rarely play with her toys unless she presents them for me.

I actually disagree with this.  And please don't take offense, I'm only saying it because you brought it up, and I am certainly not claiming that I am right and you are wrong, just offering a different perspective.  I think that kids who have someone to show them first how to play with their toys and encourage ways to use them (ie) "does this circle go in the square hole? noooo.  can the triangle go in the square hole....no.  can the square fit in? oh look, yes it does!" are the ones who learn it faster and get more enjoyment out of it.  if they don't have someone to show them how to play with their toys, show them different fun things they can do with them, then there is a world of things they are not learning or experiencing.  I know some people would say that this then outlines how the toy is to be played with and they don't figure out things to do with it on their own, but I think if they are shown lots of different things when they are younger then they have an open mind towards their toys when they are older and can use them imaginatively.  I think there is a lot of fun to be had in playing with toys together and not all toys are really that much fun for an LO to play with alone.  

But I also know that every parent is different and every LO is different! I have always played with my LO a lot during the day even from a young age. When he was on 3h of A time, I would say probably 2h of each A time was me (or DH) playing with him.   He is independent (an appropriate amount of independence for his age, IMO) and creative with toys and can easily play with toys on his own. But it's not always so much fun to play in a play kitchen with tonnes of play food for 20 minutes by yourself - in fact 5 minutes of play kitchen alone is pretty boring, but when you are cooking play food for a mommy who is pretending to gobble it all up and demand more, it's hilarious, kwim?

[muddyfeet]

Yes, I do understand that, Mashi, and no offense taken...it's why I asked!  My LO is 11 months.


Funny thing with her is that when I initiate play with her toys, she's goes away from the toy I choose and picks up something else. It's like she only wants my input if she asks for it. So I stopped doing that and started waiting for her cue, and this seems to make her happier.

I show her things like light switches, I explain how the dishwasher and the stove work and let her push the buttons, and I will play with her blocks and buckets if she gives them to me (which she does a lot). We play with the dog together, so I can make sure both baby and dog are treating each other well. I'd love to play with her more if I had someone to do laundry and keep the floors clean!!! I just wanted to know that I'm not "neglecting" her entirely, which is kind of how I think the in-laws feel. Even though I don't count eating and toothbrushing as specific play time, there is play around these activities. Spoon "swordfights", and funny sounds while she moves the toothbrush in and out of her mouth are some of our games. Lots of bath splashing, and diaper changes are peek-a-boo time.

So there's a lot of play, but not a ton of designated play time. I think that's what my relatives aren't understanding.

[Shiv52]

I actually spend a fair bit of time playing with my DD, less now she's older but still a good part of our day. She is great at independent play so she does spend time on her own throughout the day but I also spend a lot of time playing with her.  For me its not so much playing but a chance to interact and expose her to language that she won't othewise get exposed in the  way she needs to IYKWIM.  Kids learn by repetition and by playing with similar toys my LO has picked up loads of language I don't think she otherwise would have.  So although her trying out her shape sorter by herself does teach her to problem solve and persevere etc her doing it by herself isn't going to teach her that the label for that shape is 'circle' and that it is 'green'.

I also used our play time to 'teach' interaction skills, turn taking, attention building skills, getting her to follow my lead and not just do her own thing, to use different toys in different ways etc.   But that can most certainly be done in general around the house doing all manner of normal every day things!  Just like you're saying with tooth brushing etc.  Its all about interaction and that doesn't have to be specifically playing with toys.  All those skills I've  worked on throughout play from very early on have really become more apparent now that she's older as she can take turns and extend her play with various toys as she's seen me do ten different things IYSWIM.  She has fab attention skills and can interact well with other LOs as she has all those base skills already.  Her language is great but I don't think she'd have shapes, colours, numbers etc if it weren't for all the repetition in the early days. 

I'd love to play with her more if I had someone to do laundry and keep the floors clean!!!

This is probably where I differ!  I gave up a job I loved to be a SAHM and in my mind I am at home to be a mum so I think that contributes to the amount of playing and interacting that I do.  I'm not a cleaner first!  Of course I do the washing and the dinner etc but if its a choice between mopping the floor and playing with my DD, I play.  I get housework done in the evening when DH is home and we split chores for a couple of hours at the weekends to get them done and that gives me more time in the week to be with DD doing things for and with her.  And when I start to feel guilty about housework (which I don't very often!) I just think that she's going to be starting nursery in no time and I'll do housework then (or probably not!!). 

Your LO is still very young and I'm impressed by how long she can spend playing!  It makes a huge difference to your day when you can have a break and get things done!  Its really easy for people on the outside to say what you should and shouldn't do.  You're the one who is with her and you know best.  I would also start including all your 'interaction' time with DD in your 'play' quota for the day.  All interaction is important, not just playing with toys.  Your DD will learn as much during a mealtime with you talking about the different foods and about some being hot/cold and teaching sharing etc as she will playing with a shape sorter.   

Maybe telling your relatives that you spend x hours a day interacting one on one with DD will stop them being so critical!   I think you do much more 'play' than they give you credit for!

[~*Nicole*~]

I realize now, that I sounded as though I don't really play with DD much, but after reading Mashi and Shiv's posts....I DO play with her often....although less now than when she was younger. I spent a lot of days with her upstairs in her playroom or walking to the park or coloring or singing songs or reading books together. I think that all of that "play" just happened at unstructured, random times through the day so I didn't chunk it together as playtime in my mind.

[Love, laughter, & PJs]

Good post, I've been thinking about this myself.  I 'play' with DS about as much as you do.  Austin is also fabulous at independent play and I think sometimes I take that for granted a bit.  Mashi, I think you make good points.  Sometimes I just feel like I need more activities to play with him, you know?  We play with the same toys and he's great with those but I feel like I'm not being very creative at coming up with new things to do.  Maybe if I had that I'd be more inspired to spend more time on just play?

But I digress.   I agree that you should tally all the play/interactive time and present that to the inlaws.  If that doesn't work then just try to tell yourself that you're doing a great job with her and to keep it up!

[muddyfeet]

Well, I'm definitely going to think more about how much time is structured play and how much is learning/teaching type play. I think you're right, that if I present the total differently, I can get them off my back.

But I also wanted to make sure I was doing right by her. I think there are some tweaks I can make, such as more color and shape identification kind of play, but altogether, I think whe's getting enough interaction and attention from me. I feel much better.

Thank you everyone!!!!

[~Karen~]

I used to spend hours playing with DD when she was little as I felt guilty if I didn't.  Then when she started preschool I was actually pulled up on it as she was rubbish at playing independently and expected someone to sit and play with her there.  I do play with the kids now but nowhere near as much and like Shiv, housework etc comes in second and I just do the basics.  I rely on dd and ds1 to keep themselves entertained a lot of the time, which they more than often happily do and gain a wealth of knowledge from each other.  As with everything I think it's all about finding the right balance 

[~Sarah~]

I actually disagree with this.  And please don't take offense, I'm only saying it because you brought it up, and I am certainly not claiming that I am right and you are wrong, just offering a different perspective.  I think that kids who have someone to show them first how to play with their toys and encourage ways to use them (ie) "does this circle go in the square hole? noooo.  can the triangle go in the square hole....no.  can the square fit in? oh look, yes it does!"

HI
I too sit with DS and show him how toys work, this is bc he is VERY  stubborn and will MAKE it fit the way he wants to, but if I show him he works it out that way.  Having said that I know how old your sweet little girl is and I know that at her age Ryan was not ready for direction yet.
You also know our story and honestly, DS gets maybe an hour of my undivided attention a day...and that may be overshooting.  I have always let him play be himself a great deal and it helped a bunch since #2 has come.

On a different note-sorry we have not called lately...things have been interesting here.

[We Three]

Interesting.  For me, like a pp said, everything can be "play"...even laundry...(where are you? Are you under that towel? Or "This is the way we fold a sock, fold a sock, fold a sock...")   I was conscious that after breakfast, we would have time together stacking and then knocking down blocks, peek-a-boo, music, hand games, just being close and interacting one-on one.   I'd be sure to have more one-on-one time in the evening after dinner with books, singing, stuff like that.

I agree that if you feel you play with her enough, then you are probably right.  For me it was so important to have that time that was *just* her and I...no cooking, nothing else happening...but where my focus was on her.  Equally as important to me was that I could make a salad or grab a shower or wash some dishes and she could be ok with that...toys on her high-chair tray or whatever, and a running commentary by me kept her feeling in the loop!

Today I have a 3.5 year old who is GREAT at playing alone, but if I'm being honest, she brightens like Christmas lights if I join her. Play-dough is fun, but when I ask if I can sit with her and we can make play-dough cookies? She is over-joyed.  I think there is a balance to be found, and I do think that one-on-one time, no distractions, is so important....and it sounds like you do have that. 

[brenda2]

i agree with what a lot of people have said and it is all interesting.  but i also think (having 2 kids who are so very different) that how much they play independently depends a lot on THEIR personalities.  dd1 needed me to play with her a lot.  she still does though less now that dd2 is interacting more.  she never even played for 15 min by herself until she was about 20 months, and that was because i really pushed her because i was freaking out the baby was going to arrive and she wouldn't be able to entertain herself.  and dd2 will play for an hour by herself in a different room than we're in and if we go get her and bring her out to where everyone is she'll cry or crawl right back to where she was.  so most of the time we let her play where she wants to and with whatever she wants because that's what makes her happy.  usually it's in the same room as us because i bring her toys out to where we are but she still sometimes will be in her room when we're all out in the living room, and she's only 12 mo.  it's a lot easier having a child who can play independently than one who needs constant help and attention.  dd1 still often needs immediate attention and i can't see dd2 being like that.

so other than doing some of the teaching and reading stuff i think the independent play is great and i wouldn't worry about it.  as she gets older you can include her in chore types stuff and she can help out.

[littlerascalsmum]

True what people are saying about learning colours/shapes etc. As a primary school teacher my poor boy is always being told things like "yes that yellow square fits in that hole etc" Sometimes I cringe at myself as it is so 'teacherish' but it really is the way to teach them simple concepts. (up/down was a fun game we played today)

Interestingly enough I was just reading Tracy's toddler book today and she talks about the importance of balance between intervening and standing back - She basically said if they are getting frustrated with a toy they probably need help but that it is good to hold back and let them have a go first to learn problem solving rather than doing it for them and showing them straight off the bat. Like everything in life I am sure it is just a matter of balance.

It is good to hear I am not the only one who doesn't do all the chores during the day - I have to admit I feel like a bit of a failure when I go around to people's spotless houses. I try to get all the housework done during nap time but just love watching and interacting during awake time. Some chores he loves are to 'help' with like unloading the dishwasher etc and these I will do with him - as a very active boy thou we are at the park most days.

Most of the time when James is playing independently i am hanging back but offer a commentary on what he is doing (such as with the shape toy etc) and being there to praise him when he makes a new discovery. That could be a good strategy if your daughter doesn't like you doing it for her as she could still be independent but would be getting some language development and feelings of success also.