Fears @ Bedtime

[nona]

hi,

I'm at a loss of how to handle fears. My son has been worried his bones are goign to fall out for the last few weeks ( i know, weird). I have more details about that on another post. Well, my Dh & Ds were talking about the brain/skull and DH brought home a mini skull & brain from work (he did NOT consent me on this first!). So the last few nights, he keeps telling me he doesn't want to see the skull, he's scared of the skull, etc. My DH took it back to work and DS keeps asking me "is the skull gone", etc. So we assure him the skull is gone, his bones are nice& tight,wont' fall out,etc.  What happened to monsters under the bed or in the closet???

Night before last, i let DS sleep with us after waking twice fearful of the skull (it was still in our house). I told him the next night, b/c the skull was gone, he needed to sleep in his bed all night. well, he woke at 2:30 and i put him back to bed, then he woke at 5 again and my husband (who was up) put him to bed with me (i asked him not too)  . Anyway, i obviously don't want to make at habit of this but he is scared and i just don't know how to assure him nothing will happen. I don't want him to feel deserted, etc.  But now I feel like a complete zombie and my DH gets up so early for work and has long hours so he is on weekend duty for NWs.

So how have you handled fear ? i know my case is certainly a little weird but maybe i can get some ideas.

TIA, Heather

[*Jo*]

eeek, poor wee man, it must be a frightful thought to think your bones are going to fall out. maybe say something along these lines like "Its not a nice thought to think your bones will fall out, but you see your skin? God made it so that your bones CANT fall out!" show the positive side of the thing that holds it altogether.
so something like "see how the water runs off your skin? nothing can get in, and nothing can get out! its all safe and tucked inside"

Im not sure really, just some ideas off the top of my head

[babybarr]

That's a tough one Heather!  If it were monsters or lions or whatever you could have something to "protect" him.  I like Jo's idea of saying how the bones are all held in by the skin.  Maybe also explain that bones can repair themselves, has he ever broken anything?

[anna*]

This sounds really silly and I am sure you have already said this to him but have you tried simply saying "I know you are really scared about this. But listen to me now: I promise that nothing bad is going to happen to you while you sleep. You don't need to be scared. Mama is nearby, you don't have to be afraid, I promise that nothing bad will happen."

[nona]

thanks for all the responses. i know our situation is kinda unique but i figure if someone else has dealt with this i can use their experience some how. when i was little, older than cade, i tended to have lots of scary nightmares so i feel bad deserting him KWIM?

we've tried most of the suggestions,  yet we've had 2 NW last few nights. i'm exhausted b/c he usually ends up with us on the 2nd one - which i know it is not helping matters. my husband battled him this morning since 5am to stay in bed. (granted, not sure what sort of technique he was using  )

his grandparents will be here tonight sleeping upstairs down the hall which i hope helps. maybe i can send him back home with them for a week LOL.

we had a lot of sleep issues last summer & long story short we had to put gates in & doorway and had to do minimal interaction in the middle of the night. (this was after trying GW, etc).

it just seems mean to have to do that again since he is scared KWIM? but then sometimes i wonder if he is just playing us b/c he would rather snuggle with us than sleep alone. he also says " i don't want to be upstairs all by myself"....i never know what to say, since i get a sleeping partner! (which TBH, sometimes i'd rather i didnt.....)

FWIW, he is still napping. we skip every once in a while, but then the next day he needs a nap. he can't make it. i'm not sure if it is a too-much sleep thing or not. when preschool starts, he usually doesn't nap at school so he naps about every other day.

but we've got to get this under control. i can't function like this. i become a horrible mother.

[babybarr]

What sort of routine is he on then?  Maybe he just isn't quite tired enough to stay asleep?  Do you think he is still genuinely scared now?  Has he got a special teddy or something?  Just so he's not alone.

[nona]

yes, he has 2 lovies.

routine. well not much of one at hte moment w/ all the NWs!

he usually wakes up around 7:15am and then takes a 1.5 hr (or less, rarely more) nap around 1:30pm. so wakes at 3p (very grumpy i might add) and then in bed 8:30ish.

i dunno if he is still scared now, or just wants to see us in the middle of the night. i'm really not sure. i do know he loves snuggling with us! i think this weekend i'll send my husband upstairs and we'll have to use the gates. sometimes if we mention using gates, he starts STTN again. i just feel bad about it if he is really scared! i'm torn, don't know what to do.

[anna*]

Maybe it IS time to be firm then? Does he have a little picture of you and DH that he can see from his bed? Maybe you go to him and reassure him, give him cuddles, and then say OK, now it is time to sleep. It's a really difficult one. YES they are prone to anxieties and fears, but also we do all know how quickly they can start to play up the behaviours that get them the attention they want - especially in the middle of the night.

I think that is why I would do. Give him some tools/direction as to what to do - when you wake in the middle of the night, you look at your picture of mummy and daddy, give your lovey a cuddle, remember you are safe in your lovely bed and then go back to sleep - and then be firm.

POSTED at the same time as Laura: Maybe he's a bit UT, do you think? We've been having endless NWs with Stan, but nights are definitely better when he hasn't had a nap. And he's a lot younger. Worth a try to do a couple of no-nap or very short-nap days?

[nona]

anna - yea, i should try but ugh really need them for my sanity. my child is like a leech, suctioned to my body!  he starts school end of august so i can start transitioning him soon i guess.

i think you are right, probably starting to become a habit. not ready for all the tears & drama in the middle of the night but guess we'll have to suck it up.

[squeakersmum]

Not sure how much he would understand, but could you do a trip to the zoo or an aquarium to show him that some animals have their 'bones' on the outside  and some have them inside - and that  it doesn't matter either way, but they can't fall out/off?

Or - and I don't know if this would just freak out a pre-schooler more, so feel free to shoot me down - what about buying a leg of lamb and showing him how it's bone just can't fall out because of all the skin and muscle attached to it???   Yup - even sounds weird to me now I've written it down!!

[nona]

LOL. DS & DS had a big discussion about fish bones last night. i think he is just bewildered. i have a pork chop in the fridge and the meat is not falling off the bone. i will try that today.

oh, and i made a crucial error the other day when i was talking to my mom. she is having inner ear problems, therefore balance problems, and i said on the phone " you need to ask your MD about PT(physical therapy), i don't want you falling and breaking your hip bone" and DS had tears in his eyes and was like "bones can break?" AHH!!!